At my wits end with the crying!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Page 3 « Back to Group Discussions

[LunaLady]

Wow Seraf, thanks for doing that for me! that is so interesting... R is awake so much more than that! Currently he's awake and has been for about an hour. Eyes open wide awake. He spent the first half of that hour screaming, and I tried nursing, diaper change, potty, bouncing, swing... Nothing. I was so hungry and so got frustrated really quick so DH had to take over while I made dinner. He instantly calmed down with DH. Go figure...

Today he took just three one hour naps... I'm scared he's going to be a cranky head all night, now

Hopefully I can get him to sleep after his next feed.

Jaimee, I have only been breastfeeding for three weeks - but was pumping before that. R is almost 14 weeks old and I've been pumping the whole time. I think my supply has picked up since he started breastfeeding - my breasts get engorged feeling much quicker than when I was pumping.
Edited by LunaLady - 6/25/12 at 7:51pm

[Jaimee]

Nicole... DP=dear partner.  Sara's partner is currently pregnant!

Christina...  well, in that case I think I would be careful to get frequent feedings at night for a couple more weeks..  By frequent I mean at least every 3-4 hours.

[Abraisme]

While I've never recorded it, this sounds pretty similar to Coralie, only she sleeps in 3 hour stretches at night between 11pm-8am.  Most of her wakings are to eat or to poop. 
 

Originally Posted by seraf 

I'm glad things are getting better. 

Out of curiosity I recorded every awake time for my 7 week old during the day. He woke 16 times today, 2 of which were my fault. 5 of his wake ups were 30 minutes or longer. The longest was 45 minutes. The shortest were long enough to find the boob and crash again. He was awake a total of 5 hours and most of his wake ups were relate to either nursing or peeing. Only once did he wake, look around for 10 minutes and drift back off all on his own. Longest interval of sleep was 55 minutes with a total of 5 sleeps 30 minutes or longer. 

It sounds like very short wake and sleep cycles. Amusingly I consider him to be a good sleeper. 

[LunaLady]

Okay, yep - I will make sure to keep it frequent. It has been every 3 hours or so at night with the exception of the few times dh had to take him because of crying - those times were 5 or 6 hours.

I've got him nursing to sleep on me in bed right now, so i think i am going to skip trying the swing tonight. I just really want cosleeping to work!!

[seraf]

Nicole, I need to update it, he isn't a newborn anymore. And my dp is actually 19 weeks now. We are expecting another babe in may. We are crazy, without a doubt. I'm thrilled that Shay is such a chill baby because the other one is so close on his heels. 

Luna, I hope you got a good night sleep. This is new for you both, he will learn to sleep when he is sleepy soon.  One bright side of all this sleep depravation is that you won't remember exactly how intense it all was and you may yet want another baby.  I think we woke the whole campground when Shay decided he needed to poop at 4 this morning. He wasn't so happy about it. 

[Abraisme]

To prevent squirming in bed I have either swaddled my babies or let them sleep on their stomachs.  Two of my babies are belly sleepers and one loved to be swaddled.  I know it's against the general recommendation to let a baby sleep on their stomach, but it works so much better and I'm right there next to them.  The moment I flip Coralie over on her belly she relaxes and sleeps quietly. 
 

Originally Posted by LunaLady 

Okay, yep - I will make sure to keep it frequent. It has been every 3 hours or so at night with the exception of the few times dh had to take him because of crying - those times were 5 or 6 hours.
I've got him nursing to sleep on me in bed right now, so i think i am going to skip trying the swing tonight. I just really want cosleeping to work!!

[LunaLady]

W

Edited by LunaLady - 6/25/12 at 6:55pm

[LunaLady]

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Edited by LunaLady - 6/25/12 at 6:57pm

[birdhappy85]

Oh Christina  - I am so sorry! I don't have any advice and I know you're already doing absolutely everything you can to comfort Rhyko and still maintain your own sanity, so I just wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you and sending hugs from afar. It is so hard getting through the days on end of crying and screaming. You're insanely strong - stronger than you realize(!!!!) - and you will see better days again soon - I promise! You are an amazing, loving mom. Do not for a second feel guilty about any of this.

[LunaLady]

.
Edited by LunaLady - 6/25/12 at 10:55pm

[dashley111]

Christina- AP is not for everyone.  It is not the end-all-only-way.  Having a sane, healthy, functioning, happy FAMILY (not just baby) is way better!  Is there anything you could give up that would make you less overwhelmed?  Like, if you were not breastfeeding, cosleeping, etc- are you doing anything because you feel like you *should* and not actually because you *want to*?  Remember NOT to feel like a terrible mom for putting him down when it needs to be done- knowing when you have had enough is a stand up thing.

Have you been seeing someone for PPD? 

[dashley111]

Another thought, have you shared these feelings with your husband? 

[jbk21]

Originally Posted by dashley111 

Christina- AP is not for everyone.  It is not the end-all-only-way.  Having a sane, healthy, functioning, happy FAMILY (not just baby) is way better!  Is there anything you could give up that would make you less overwhelmed?  Like, if you were not breastfeeding, cosleeping, etc- are you doing anything because you feel like you *should* and not actually because you *want to*?  Remember NOT to feel like a terrible mom for putting him down when it needs to be done- knowing when you have had enough is a stand up thing.

Have you been seeing someone for PPD? 

Christina, nothing you did or didn't do made Rhyko who he is.  It is also not indicative of who he will be as he gets older.  It is not indicative of his attachment or how he will be when he is a toddler.  Spirited or high needs =/= ill-attached.  

Find the things that work for you, throw out the ones that don't.  Don't feel even one ounce of mommy-guilt over any of your parenting choices.  Seriously.  

I would also highly recommend therapy (I know I have said this before).  It is working WONDERS for me.  Honestly.  Just being able to talk with an adult about how I feel offers such clarity.  And she is very reassuring that nothing I am doing is screwing up my kid.  There is SUCH a spectrum of good parenting, and a huge spectrum that is considered AP.  But don't feel confined to a certain parenting style.  Do what works FOR YOU.
 

[LunaLady]

I just feel like this AP style of parenting should be the easiest thing and what's best for everyone. Isn't that how it's meant to be? I mean, it's so simple. 

Actually breastfeeding and co-sleeping are the easiest parts, for me. He's for the most part great during nursing and at night (except the last three nights, no one has gotten any sleep - but that hasn't been the norm for the last three months or so). And Rhyko absolutely has to be nursing to fall asleep (other than crying, I guess) and so not co-sleeping wouldn't work for us, I don't think. And I loathe pumping and bottles. And during breastfeeding is one of the only times I feel love for him.

My husband does know. He pretty much just thinks I'm crazy, irrational, and stubborn.

I feel like I suppose therapy might help, but I feel like a therapist would tell me to sleep train, bottle feed and get a job outside the home. Are there AP friendly therapists and how do I find one? I don't really feel like I have the time to be able to get away for therapy sessions, though. I don't have anyone who could watch R during the day.

I'd just like to fast forward 20 years so he's in college or at least moved out and I can get back to doing some crafting and traveling and perhaps feel human again. I just really dislike being a parent. Pretty much worst decision I ever made. Sucks I STILL feel this way 8 months pp.

[jbk21]

You will get more time for crafting and the hobbies you love.  This first year is hard.  It gets better after that!

I haven't found that my therapist tells me to do anything.  That isn't what therapy is for.  I would have never thought to look for an "AP-friendly" therapist because... it doesn't really matter, in my opinion.  A therapist's personal viewpoint should not color their ability to properly treat you.  My therapist has not encouraged me to bottle feed, or work outside the home.  In fact, she has only ever supported decisions that I make myself.  Therapists are often practicing later into the evening (I have appts at 6pm) so is that an option once your DH is home from work?  Honestly, if there is any way he can come home early just one day a week or every other week so you can get out for an hour and a half for a therapy appointment, I PROMISE it is worth it.  You need to be well, mama.  You cannot make it go away on your own.  I tried that for 3 years, and just now got help and I wish I had done it sooner.  You can never do better or fix just the right thing or find just the right solution.  I read something recently that really struck me- nobody (including you) can fix your emotional state (if you are depressed, etc).  That is what professionals are for.  It is really so true.

I am sure a therapist would be willing to see you with Rhyko as well.  I don't see why not!

 

[jbk21]

Also, your DH probably has an EAP through his work.  I can talk more about therapy, etc via PM if you'd prefer. 

Just want you to know you're not alone.  I was feeling hopeless about a month ago and I am happy to say that I feel about 75% better today.  Not in a "I'm covering everything up and faking it" kind of way.  I really feel like I am connecting with my kids and have some healthy coping mechanisms in place.  

[birdhappy85]

Originally Posted by jbk21 

You will get more time for crafting and the hobbies you love.  This first year is hard.  It gets better after that!

I haven't found that my therapist tells me to do anything.  That isn't what therapy is for.  I would have never thought to look for an "AP-friendly" therapist because... it doesn't really matter, in my opinion.  A therapist's personal viewpoint should not color their ability to properly treat you.  My therapist has not encouraged me to bottle feed, or work outside the home.  In fact, she has only ever supported decisions that I make myself.  Therapists are often practicing later into the evening (I have appts at 6pm) so is that an option once your DH is home from work?  Honestly, if there is any way he can come home early just one day a week or every other week so you can get out for an hour and a half for a therapy appointment, I PROMISE it is worth it.  You need to be well, mama.  You cannot make it go away on your own.  I tried that for 3 years, and just now got help and I wish I had done it sooner.  You can never do better or fix just the right thing or find just the right solution.  I read something recently that really struck me- nobody (including you) can fix your emotional state (if you are depressed, etc).  That is what professionals are for.  It is really so true.

I am sure a therapist would be willing to see you with Rhyko as well.  I don't see why not!
 

I just wanted to give some input about the therapy thing. I disagree that therapists aren't meant to "tell" you to do anything. There are different kinds of therapy. If you're in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) then you're probably doing more one-sided talk therapy. In my opinion, that kind of therapy can only do so much. I spent years in CBT and it didn't do anything for me as far as actually advancing past my problems. It wasn't until I entered DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) that my life completely changed. I believe therapists do need to guide their patients or at least encourage actions/provide ideas of things to do, like "homework", outside of the session. That doesn't mean the therapist is pressing any viewpoints of their own. Those aren't synonymous with one another. A good therapist will give you suggestions and guide you to make and respect the decision you yourself want to make. Therapists should be teaching skills and tools to use when not in therapy.

Also, I would not bring children to a therapy session. A therapist likely would discourage that as well. You won't be able to devote your full attention and have the "me" time you need. I tried it once and my former therapist and I quickly agreed that would never happen again! It was the biggest waste of a session ever...

While I agree that many cases of depression require professional help to get the person well again, I also do believe some people can get well again on their own depending on the cause of the depression. I don't mean to pick apart your post, J! I don't mean anything malicious by it. These are just things I've discovered over my long journey in the world of therapy. BUT - I agree that if you've never learned mindfulness, compartmentalization, and a whole host of other skills to consciously get through tough times, then for sure professional help is necessary and nothing to be afraid or ashamed of! I always liked going to therapy.

ETA: If you don't like a therapist, you can always find another until you are matched with one you work best with! Over 12 years I probably saw 4 therapists in that time until I finally found the one who I was most compatible with and soared in progress from then on.

[dashley111]

The way your feeling is not necessarily abnormal, and is very common with PPD.  Therapy and/or meds could be so beneficial for you!  A therapists job is not to give you advice, but to help you cope with the way things are.  A good therapist would never suggest you stop doing something important to you because of their personal feelings towards it, unless the behavior was self-destructive. 

The first year is the hardest.  You will get your time back, you will get your life back.  He will not always need you so much.  Before I had B we took trips without the kids and I had tons of time to craft while they played. 

I really really hope you can find a way to seek help.  You can love parenting, and can love Rhyko- it is possible.  You guys had an incredibly rough start, and have already endured so much together.

ETA: Have you thought about calling your OB and asking for meds?  Zoloft quite possibly saved mine and my sons life...

[jbk21]

Originally Posted by birdhappy85 

I just wanted to give some input about the therapy thing. I disagree that therapists aren't meant to "tell" you to do anything. There are different kinds of therapy. If you're in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) then you're probably doing more one-sided talk therapy. In my opinion, that kind of therapy can only do so much. I spent years in CBT and it didn't do anything for me as far as actually advancing past my problems. It wasn't until I entered DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) that my life completely changed. I believe therapists do need to guide their patients or at least encourage actions/provide ideas of things to do, like "homework", outside of the session. That doesn't mean the therapist is pressing any viewpoints of their own. Those aren't synonymous with one another. A good therapist will give you suggestions and guide you to make and respect the decision you yourself want to make. Therapists should be teaching skills and tools to use when not in therapy.

Also, I would not bring children to a therapy session. A therapist likely would discourage that as well. You won't be able to devote your full attention and have the "me" time you need. I tried it once and my former therapist and I quickly agreed that would never happen again! It was the biggest waste of a session ever...

While I agree that many cases of depression require professional help to get the person well again, I also do believe some people can get well again on their own depending on the cause of the depression. I don't mean to pick apart your post, J! I don't mean anything malicious by it. These are just things I've discovered over my long journey in the world of therapy. BUT - I agree that if you've never learned mindfulness, compartmentalization, and a whole host of other skills to consciously get through tough times, then for sure professional help is necessary and nothing to be afraid or ashamed of! I always liked going to therapy.

ETA: If you don't like a therapist, you can always find another until you are matched with one you work best with! Over 12 years I probably saw 4 therapists in that time until I finally found the one who I was most compatible with and soared in progress from then on.

You're right, there are different styles of therapy, but what I meant was that no therapist would ever say "okay, start formula-feeding, practice CIO, stop cloth diapering" etc.  I have limited therapy experience (a couple of years here and there) but my senior thesis was in clinical therapy strategies.     That said, I have obviously never personally counseled anyone either   Like I said, I am learning coping strategies and skills, but never "your parenting style is wrong" or "do this instead" types of advice.

I can see how bringing a child to therapy would be distracting but I also think if it is necessary for a bit and there is no other option, well then there is no other option.  I mean, I would rather be in therapy where I had to have my kid in the carrier (hopefully napping) than to not be in therapy at all.  Obviously it isn't optimal though.

[birdhappy85]

Oh for sure if Rhyko can sleep at an appointment, then bring him! I was just having flashbacks to when I brought Sora and she cried the entire time.  Since Rhyko has been screamy lately, I just figured Christina didn't see it possible to bring him in that state, which I'd agree with. I forgot you had that psychology background, J. Oy. I read things too literally at times and misinterpret what people are saying. *inserting foot in mouth*

I also agree that all women should cut themselves some slack and parent however works best for them and their families even if it may not be how they originally planned to do things. We need to be flexible sometimes. If I get stuck in an all or nothing mentality (I'm an extreme perfectionist...) then I am liable to go too far and feel guilty when I don't meet my impossibly high expectations of myself. I even went out and bought a can of organic formula the other day just in case I ever need it. It has been REALLY hard to even entertain the idea of giving my baby even one bottle of formula because of my paranoia, but somebody suggested it to me one day as a fallback plan if I ever hit such a wall with needing "me" time and I don't have any pumped milk on hand (as in, near nervous breakdown and need to hand the baby off for a few hours).