At my wits end with the crying!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Page 4 « Back to Group Discussions

[jbk21]

Originally Posted by birdhappy85 

Oh for sure if Rhyko can sleep at an appointment, then bring him! I was just having flashbacks to when I brought Sora and she cried the entire time.  Since Rhyko has been screamy lately, I just figured Christina didn't see it possible to bring him in that state, which I'd agree with. I forgot you had that psychology background, J. Oy. I read things too literally at times and misinterpret what people are saying. *inserting foot in mouth*

I also agree that all women should cut themselves some slack and parent however works best for them and their families even if it may not be how they originally planned to do things. We need to be flexible sometimes. If I get stuck in an all or nothing mentality (I'm an extreme perfectionist...) then I am liable to go too far and feel guilty when I don't meet my impossibly high expectations of myself. I even went out and bought a can of organic formula the other day just in case I ever need it. It has been REALLY hard to even entertain the idea of giving my baby even one bottle of formula because of my paranoia, but somebody suggested it to me one day as a fallback plan if I ever hit such a wall with needing "me" time and I don't have any pumped milk on hand (as in, near nervous breakdown and need to hand the baby off for a few hours).

No, no no I probably was not clear.  I am often a bit rushed when I post and don't say what I really meant.  It all makes sense in my head, though.  

[MrsKatie]

Originally Posted by LunaLady 

I just don't feel like I'm an amazing loving mom. I am really, really not! I'm bratty and bitchy and I honestly dislike being a mother and I often have to hand over the baby practically as dh walks in the door from work. I pretend everything is okay quite often in the hopes it actually will be...but it's just SO NOT. I'm in just such a deep sadness over how much I hate myself and my life that I'm unsure what to do! I can't go on this way, but I see really no other alternatives? I can't go to work, I can't quit bf'ing, I have no one in my circle of friends/family that can just come over on my every whim and watch the baby for an hour while I have a melt down. 

Honesly, I need to change MYSELF, not my environment. I need to not be so selfish and bitchy and rude and short with people. I need more patience and I need more understanding and empathy. I honestly feel like, 'Poor me, my life is shit and I hate it' but what I really need to be doing is looking at my day to day and seeing the beauty in it - but I just can't!

And I'm such an absolute spoiled selfish brat because I have a loving husband who works his tail off to provide for us and a healthy baby boy who is adorable, and all I can think about is how much I'd love to run away to the other side of the planet.

Oh, Christina. I see so much judgment and hatred towards yourself, and it breaks my heart.  I can relate to that style of thinking - I have berated myself with it for many years, as well.  It's such agony.  You can change yourself, but it has to come from a place of love.  Love and patience and compassion for YOURSELF.  You are ok.  What you're feeling is ok - it's just unbelievably painful.  But it's not bad or selfish or bratty.  It just hurts so much.

Listen - AP is not about going through the motions.  It's not the end goal.  It's a MEANS to an end.  The whole point of AP is to connect joyfully to your baby.  AP gives us a WAY to get there.  But it is not THE way.  The things you do don't matter so much as spirit in which you do them.  So find your joy, whatever it takes.  And be patient and kind with yourself along the way.

[seraf]

Originally Posted by LunaLady 

1. I often have to hand over the baby practically as dh walks in the door from work.

2. I can't go to work, I can't quit bf'ing, I have no one in my circle of friends/family that can just come over on my every whim and watch the baby for an hour while I have a melt down. 

3. what I really need to be doing is looking at my day to day and seeing the beauty in it - but I just can't!

A 1. I think most SAHP do this.

A 2. Why not? I was raised with the idea that I could grow up to do anything. If you want to hire a sitter and go bag groceries for a few hours every day, have at it. There are resources to find childcare in your area. It doesn't have to be family. Hired help is awesome because you can say, "do x, y and z." and that doesn't work so well with family.

A 3. That does sound like a lovely goal, but it's not always possible or desirable. If you need help (it sounds like you might, no shame in needing help. The trick is to accept it gracefully) to get to that point, by all means get help. If you can't see the humor in a child shrieking, no one will blame you.

Shay has been a jerk lately, too, sometimes. I doubt it makes you feel any better to think that it could be one of those phases, but I'm putting that out there. He wants my attention more than he did a month ago, he screams when I leave the room, he shrieks when he is mad, he gets mad about more things he is pissy when he's tired, he is sleeping less and tire more, so he is pissy more. I try not to let it bug me, but I have been around the block a few times and , pissy children are as annoying as pissy adults BUT I have the comfort of perspective. I know that not all fussy babies turn into awful toddlers. Not all awful toddlers turn into bratty children. I can remind myself that it's good for him to express himself and I don't have to take it personally. I know his world is getting bigger and I'm not his whole world anymore, so it's not my responsibility to make him happy. Just like its no ones responsibility (or ability) to make me happy. I can meet his needs, I can encourage him, I can love him. Only he can determine if those things will make him happy.

I think I lost my point. I will try to make more sense tomorrow. Sorry, I'm kind of exhausted over here.

[Mal85]

Originally Posted by seraf 


A 1. I think most SAHP do this.
A 2. Why not? I was raised with the idea that I could grow up to do anything. If you want to hire a sitter and go bag groceries for a few hours every day, have at it. There are resources to find childcare in your area. It doesn't have to be family. Hired help is awesome because you can say, "do x, y and z." and that doesn't work so well with family.
A 3. That does sound like a lovely goal, but it's not always possible or desirable. If you need help (it sounds like you might, no shame in needing help. The trick is to accept it gracefully) to get to that point, by all means get help. If you can't see the humor in a child shrieking, no one will blame you.
Shay has been a jerk lately, too, sometimes. I doubt it makes you feel any better to think that it could be one of those phases, but I'm putting that out there. He wants my attention more than he did a month ago, he screams when I leave the room, he shrieks when he is mad, he gets mad about more things he is pissy when he's tired, he is sleeping less and tire more, so he is pissy more. I try not to let it bug me, but I have been around the block a few times and , pissy children are as annoying as pissy adults BUT I have the comfort of perspective. I know that not all fussy babies turn into awful toddlers. Not all awful toddlers turn into bratty children. I can remind myself that it's good for him to express himself and I don't have to take it personally. I know his world is getting bigger and I'm not his whole world anymore, so it's not my responsibility to make him happy. Just like its no ones responsibility (or ability) to make me happy. I can meet his needs, I can encourage him, I can love him. Only he can determine if those things will make him happy.
I think I lost my point. I will try to make more sense tomorrow. Sorry, I'm kind of exhausted over here.

Sara has the wise. A big yeah that to everything she said.

The thing is, most of what you're talking about is TOTALLY normal. We all feel that way some days. The difference is in whether or not we're equipped to deal with it. Have you talked to anyone about PPD, because I feel like that has been suggested to you before and I'm not sure if you went through with it. God knows you guys had a rough start. That would be difficult to bounce back from, it's okay if you need help with that. If you feel as if the normal stuff is so overwhelming you find yourself truly thinking about "offing yourself", get some help. The stuff your baby is doing is normal. The way you feel about it is not normal.

I don't want to make you feel bad, because I think you're really doing the very best you can and I know you love your baby. And yes, I pass the baby off too. Right now, she's with DH because I just spent the last hour trying to get her to go to bed and she just keeps smiling at me and the smiling is like nails down a chalkboard because I'm ready for this day to be over and she just. won't. go. to. sleep even though she is running on only an hour of sleep since 11 this morning. So I threw up my hands, handed her to DH and am now surfing the web trying to decompress. That's normal! At least I hope it is because I find myself there a lot.

Anyway, I lost my point too...

[MrsKatie]

Originally Posted by seraf 


A 1. I think most SAHP do this.
A 2. Why not? I was raised with the idea that I could grow up to do anything. If you want to hire a sitter and go bag groceries for a few hours every day, have at it. There are resources to find childcare in your area. It doesn't have to be family. Hired help is awesome because you can say, "do x, y and z." and that doesn't work so well with family.
A 3. That does sound like a lovely goal, but it's not always possible or desirable. If you need help (it sounds like you might, no shame in needing help. The trick is to accept it gracefully) to get to that point, by all means get help. If you can't see the humor in a child shrieking, no one will blame you.
Shay has been a jerk lately, too, sometimes. I doubt it makes you feel any better to think that it could be one of those phases, but I'm putting that out there. He wants my attention more than he did a month ago, he screams when I leave the room, he shrieks when he is mad, he gets mad about more things he is pissy when he's tired, he is sleeping less and tire more, so he is pissy more. I try not to let it bug me, but I have been around the block a few times and , pissy children are as annoying as pissy adults BUT I have the comfort of perspective. I know that not all fussy babies turn into awful toddlers. Not all awful toddlers turn into bratty children. I can remind myself that it's good for him to express himself and I don't have to take it personally. I know his world is getting bigger and I'm not his whole world anymore, so it's not my responsibility to make him happy. Just like its no ones responsibility (or ability) to make me happy. I can meet his needs, I can encourage him, I can love him. Only he can determine if those things will make him happy.
I think I lost my point. I will try to make more sense tomorrow. Sorry, I'm kind of exhausted over here.

Originally Posted by Mal85 

Sara has the wise. A big yeah that to everything she said.

The thing is, most of what you're talking about is TOTALLY normal. We all feel that way some days. The difference is in whether or not we're equipped to deal with it. Have you talked to anyone about PPD, because I feel like that has been suggested to you before and I'm not sure if you went through with it. God knows you guys had a rough start. That would be difficult to bounce back from, it's okay if you need help with that. If you feel as if the normal stuff is so overwhelming you find yourself truly thinking about "offing yourself", get some help. The stuff your baby is doing is normal. The way you feel about it is not normal.

I don't want to make you feel bad, because I think you're really doing the very best you can and I know you love your baby. And yes, I pass the baby off too. Right now, she's with DH because I just spent the last hour trying to get her to go to bed and she just keeps smiling at me and the smiling is like nails down a chalkboard because I'm ready for this day to be over and she just. won't. go. to. sleep even though she is running on only an hour of sleep since 11 this morning. So I threw up my hands, handed her to DH and am now surfing the web trying to decompress. That's normal! At least I hope it is because I find myself there a lot.

Anyway, I lost my point too...

to both of these responses! well said.

[KayPea]

Oh Christina, I've been where you are. There were some days where I had a bag packed and my shoes on and the baby screaming in the crib. I always talked myself down, but I was ready to just go. And I hated being a mother, I thought I was a terrible mama, and a terrible person, and how come I couldn't do sanely and calmly what other parents could do (with ease and grace?) And now, three years later I wouldn't say I am healed all the way, but I am doing so much better, especially when it comes to the kids. I still am a crap household manager and housekeeper though - those are the things I chose to let go, in order to allow for lots and lots more me time. I just couldn't do it all, no one can, but especially not if you are struggling with PPD. 

My DD was a screamer too (still is sometimes, though she's a sizzling firecracker of a human being, absolutely amazing little person) and it got to me.  I've done a lot to try and lessen the screaming, because I knew how much it affects me - all the sacrifices and acrobatics to get her to sleep, spending all day, every day out of the house because she hated being cooped up at home, nursing every 45 minutes through the night until she was over 2, because otherwise, oy, the screaming. And now that I've had Oren, I know that it wasn't me. Or at least not all me. It has been so healing to really understand this, and I'm so glad I had him after so many days of wondering "Can I do this again? How can I do this again?"

I did intermittent therapy with DD, and kind of got lost in the system. I relied heavily on a local group called Pacific Postpartum society, who had group sessions and a help line. It helped, but really, it wasn't enough, because I wasn't doing it enough, it seemed like so much work. And if I could go back and do something differently, it would be to just take those meds already. I feel like I lost 2 years of my life, the first two years of my first baby's life, and maybe I could have had them if I had at least tried medication. But I was stubborn, having pulled myself out of a depression before, I thought I had it in me to do it again. And maybe I do, but I don't really know if it was worth it, because here I am, three years later still trying to keep my head above water. I'm in therapy now too, a little more regularly, and I often take BOTH kids with me to session. The therapist has toys in her office, so I figure I'm not the only one. I am going to stop going with DD soon though - she is too perceptive, and I don't want to weigh her down with my adult problems. 

Anyway, for me the key to my improvement has been letting go of some things so that I can have lots of time for myself. I need lots of down time, lots of body free time, and lots of time to be creative. And my husband is super-dad, and tries to fill those blanks. And it's always during those intense-baby times like teething or illness that I start losing it, because I need to be doing babycare 24/7 and lose those times for me. I wish I had had the resources to hire a mother's helper and a housekeeper, since I didn't have the community support that I have now. But that's another huge difference for me this time around - I've worked hard to find a community these last 3 years. 

Hugs, hugs, hugs mama. I know how far away it seems, when people talk about the future, but it does get easier. Hold on, hold on. 

[jbk21]

Originally Posted by KayPea 

Oh Christina, I've been where you are. There were some days where I had a bag packed and my shoes on and the baby screaming in the crib. I always talked myself down, but I was ready to just go. And I hated being a mother, I thought I was a terrible mama, and a terrible person, and how come I couldn't do sanely and calmly what other parents could do (with ease and grace?) And now, three years later I wouldn't say I am healed all the way, but I am doing so much better, especially when it comes to the kids. I still am a crap household manager and housekeeper though - those are the things I chose to let go, in order to allow for lots and lots more me time. I just couldn't do it all, no one can, but especially not if you are struggling with PPD. 

My DD was a screamer too (still is sometimes, though she's a sizzling firecracker of a human being, absolutely amazing little person) and it got to me.  I've done a lot to try and lessen the screaming, because I knew how much it affects me - all the sacrifices and acrobatics to get her to sleep, spending all day, every day out of the house because she hated being cooped up at home, nursing every 45 minutes through the night until she was over 2, because otherwise, oy, the screaming. And now that I've had Oren, I know that it wasn't me. Or at least not all me. It has been so healing to really understand this, and I'm so glad I had him after so many days of wondering "Can I do this again? How can I do this again?"

I did intermittent therapy with DD, and kind of got lost in the system. I relied heavily on a local group called Pacific Postpartum society, who had group sessions and a help line. It helped, but really, it wasn't enough, because I wasn't doing it enough, it seemed like so much work. And if I could go back and do something differently, it would be to just take those meds already. I feel like I lost 2 years of my life, the first two years of my first baby's life, and maybe I could have had them if I had at least tried medication. But I was stubborn, having pulled myself out of a depression before, I thought I had it in me to do it again. And maybe I do, but I don't really know if it was worth it, because here I am, three years later still trying to keep my head above water. I'm in therapy now too, a little more regularly, and I often take BOTH kids with me to session. The therapist has toys in her office, so I figure I'm not the only one. I am going to stop going with DD soon though - she is too perceptive, and I don't want to weigh her down with my adult problems. 

Anyway, for me the key to my improvement has been letting go of some things so that I can have lots of time for myself. I need lots of down time, lots of body free time, and lots of time to be creative. And my husband is super-dad, and tries to fill those blanks. And it's always during those intense-baby times like teething or illness that I start losing it, because I need to be doing babycare 24/7 and lose those times for me. I wish I had had the resources to hire a mother's helper and a housekeeper, since I didn't have the community support that I have now. But that's another huge difference for me this time around - I've worked hard to find a community these last 3 years. 

Hugs, hugs, hugs mama. I know how far away it seems, when people talk about the future, but it does get easier. Hold on, hold on. 

quoting for truthiness!

[LunaLady]

Thank you all so much for the words of encouragement. I feel so embarrassed that I let myself get so frustrated and irrational. 

My mom came over after she got off work yesterday and talked with me a while. I was a seven week preemie, too, and my mom has always been a great source of support for me. She said she's really proud of me because she didn't have half the determination (stubborness???) that I have and by the time I was four months old she was back to work full time and I was in day care. She said she didn't have the resources or support to try to work things out, so I'm glad that I do. 

She offered to watch R and sent me and DH out to go out to dinner. It was lovely. You know how people always say that when parents get to have a date night away from their kids they end up just talking about them the whole time? Well, that didn't happen. I think we mentioned R once. We mostly talked reminisced about our 'old life' and talked about moving abroad (like that's ever gonna happen, but we can dream).

Anyway, my mom suggested maybe finding a babysitter that can come by a couple days per week for an hour or two and let me get some stuff done that I want to get done. Some 'me time'. I'm going to look into that.

Well, the baby has commenced crying, I need to go. I will try to get back here again today to address this more.

Thanks again, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jaimee]

Big, huge ((HUGS)) Christina!  You have gotten so much great advice and a lot of good support already.  I just want to lend mine as well.  I felt like you are feeling with my first... all the time.  There are some parents out there that will roll their eyes when you mention the word spirited- thinking that it's just another buzz term and that all kids can be difficult at times.  But I know from my own experience (and I know there are others on here that would call their kids spirited, too) that a spirited child is just plain harder to parent than a spunky or chill child.  It's just the way it is.  There are a bunch of pros to spirited temperaments, but right now in the baby phase you're dealing with some serious cons not to mention your harrowing beginning to parenthood.  You are dealing with a child that is just plain MORE.  Needs more, demands more.  More energy, more sensitivity, more moodiness, more persistence, more difficulty adapting.  I found a lot of helpful words of wisdom in Raising Your Spirited Child and I would be happy to email you the handout I made for an API meeting I led on the topic if you send me your email address.

There were days when I questioned why we had a child.  There were days I wanted to scream and throw her out the window.  There were days I wanted to jump out that window myself.  There were days I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.  Yes it was hard.  And yes, it got better.  She did learn to entertain herself.  She did make friends and hang out at their houses.  She did learn how to put herself to sleep and sleep through the night.  And I found time to run, read, garden, craft, and cook again.  It will happen.  This baby time is tough, no doubt about it.

I second what others have said about letting go what you can, hiring help when you can (mother's helper?), and continuing to do the things that nourish you.  I can't speak about therapy as I've never done it, but I do know that seeking help in other ways was necessary for me.  Learning to be more flexible and to go with the flow more was very against my nature and still is, but I'm working on it.  Learning coping skills and creative parenting techniques can be exhausting, but highly worth it.  Finding support from real life like minded mamas that understand what it's like to have a spirited child is priceless.  I am always a better mother when I hang out with other like minded mamas.  I also asked my MIL to come stay with use for an extended period of time (like 2 weeks) so that I could get some free time for a bit.  I set up time exchanges with friends and went to every playgroup I could get to.  It truly takes a village to raise a child and these days we have to make our own villages.  We were not meant to parent alone!

Please know that you are not a bad person or a bad mother for thinking and feeling as you are right now.  We have all been there.

[wellforth]

Christina, what you wrote about how you are feeling mirrors my feelings with my dd, now 11.  I felt like I was going crazy.  I didn't even have hormones to blame, because she wasn't my biological daughter.  The screaming was horrible!  The not sleeping was horrible!  The lack of time to myself was unbearable.  Every afternoon by 4 o'clock, I was sitting on the couch, looking out the window, listening to the clock ticking ever so slowly, waiting for my husband to get home at 4:30.  I was usually crying.  I too questioned why on earth I ever wanted a baby.  Well, I wanted a baby, but I wanted one of those quiet contented sweet lovable ones!

I felt a ton of guilt.  I had not much support the first few years, and my way of coping was to put her in her crib, stuff earplugs into my ears, and sleep for an hour.  It was terrible, but it was the only way I got through the day most days.  I had not heard of AP at that point.  Spirited kid, yep.  And now, as an 11 year old, we have a great relationship and she's a great kid.  And I'm a great mom, most of the time, when I'm not being a big meanie.  It really does get easier.  It's just getting through this part that is hard.

Luca is very similar to Kaleigh in temperament, but I don't feel nearly as crazy.  Partly I felt it's easier to cope this time, and also, my dh is not working right now.  That's 2 stay at home parents for one very needy baby.  Although 3 or even 4 might be more ideal, it's great having the both of us to take care of him.  If either of us was here by ourselves, we'd be throwing ourselves out windows, though in a 1 story house, that's not much of a threat. 

The isolation of being a stay at home mom really sucks.  I think the AP style of parenting is awesome, but this style in traditional societies includes LOTS of other people being around on a regular basis.  There's no being by yourself all day with a screaming baby. 

Alone time is so necessary.  Any way you can get it!  I second pretty much what everyone else said as well. 

carey

[LunaLady]

Thank you everyone for sharing your advice, stories and sympathies with me. I really appreciate it. I read every word. 

I feel bad because R is just not well. He's currently cutting SIX teeth at once and I am almost positive that's why he's been fussy the last week. Poor guy. I feel bad that I was so harsh and unsympathetic towards him. He's just a baby, after all.

As far as therapy, I guess I will still look into it. I've never been one to find therapy helpful (i've attempted therapy sessions on three different occasions), but I think it's just my personality. I'm so stubborn...

I think those of you who have been in my shoes and/or have a spirited baby AND went on to have more children are saints. I am ABSOLUTELY sure I'll never have more children. I couldn't do this again. And I think that the chance of having another PROM and preemie is just too high (even if that chance was 1 in 1,000,000 - that is too high). I wouldn't be able to handle that.