Dad wants mom back

[dadicated]

Ok, so i know this is a forum for moms, but i feel like i need some advice from a woman's perspective...

My GF and i broke up about 6 months ago and i really miss her and i'm hoping she'll come to her senses and take me back. We were together for 7 years, engaged for 3 years, our DD is 2. Our relationship was great until about a year after baby. We started getting into a lot of arguments with a lot of yelling. We both agreed that this wasn't good for our daughter. I tried many times to have a meaningful conversation with her about the arguing and all she would say is that she doesn't want to fight. I didn't like the arguing either, but i wanted to actually work on our relationship. I felt like we never took time to really reconnect after DD's birth. I know the first year was really stressful for her with breastfeeding and all, but i did try in every way to show my appreciation and support. After the first year, she went back to school full time and i stayed home with DD. I was able to work enough to pay the bills and support all of us. But with her going to school and me working whenever possible, we weren't spending any time together. When we were home together, she was busy with homework and we couldn't get a sitter most weekends so we were never able to go out together. It got to the point where i felt like i wasn't getting any attention or recognition. I understand that she basically didn't get to go out for a year and that school was stressful for her, but i was also stressed. I was staying ar home most of the time with hardly any adult contact and i really felt like she didn't care and was ignoring my requests to spend time alone together. Sh

Things got worse. She started staying out later and later, didn't tell me where she was going, and didn't answer my calls when she was out. This was weird because she used to like to go to bed pretty early and was never super concerned about socializing. Fast forward a couple months and i find out she's texting and calling another guy... Long story short, she cheated on me and then kicked me out.

A couple months after i moved out, she called and apologized for everything, said she knows she has a drinking problem and needs to quit and needs some time to figure herself out. Although, she continues to go out drinking whenever she can and spends all of her free time with friends. I still even watch DD sometimes on nights when she's supposed to watch her so my ex can go out.

I know that some of this was my fault. I was sort of depressed and was having a very negative outlook on things and i know she was annoyed by that. I have been trying to better myself. I took up meditation, yoga and have been seeing an energy worker, who i refered my ex to and she is seeing now as well.

We are co-parenting well and there is no problem there. Days are split evenly and we all do someting together a couple times a week. We both love our DD very much.

I guess i'm wondering if there's any chance she'll come back. I pleaded with her for the first few months and i'm sure i looked desperate, but i really do love her and our family means everything to me. She isn't seeing the other guy anymore. He stopped contacting her after about a month (great guy!). She has told me multiple times that she isn't happy like this and needs to figure herself out. When i ask her if she ever sees us together again, she says "no one can tell the future". What can/should i do? Should i just keep giving her space and hope for the best?

Thanks and sorry for the lengthy post

[laohaire]

All I can go on is your post, but my reaction is: move on, you can do better.

She has not shown any signs of changing. She is not committed to making it work. She is not showing an interest in renewing the relationship.

I realize you are forever tied to her, as co-parents. But I don't see any reason to believe that she will even get back together with you on a trial basis, much less actually put work into the relationship.

[Halfasianmomma]

Um, you want to get back together with your unfaithful and possibly alcoholic ex because...?

Having been married to an alcoholic and a cheater, I've discovered that there really is nothing that you can do to change someone; they need to do it for themselves and in their own time. I would strongly suggest focusing on yourself and your child. If you and your ex are meant to be, it'll happen.

[dadicated]

I guess maybe i'm a little too forgiving :\ I think its more constructive ti forgive than to hold anger. And i realize that she's the only one that can change herself, i'm just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience where the person did change. I know she's a good person and she's a great mom and up until about a year ago she was totally commited to having a family together and then it was like she did a complete 180. I think she's freaked out about "growing up". (we're both in our late 20's) Just hoping she might come back around...

[laohaire]

Forgiving is fine, but forgiving doesn't equal trying to have a relationship with her again. You can forgive her and still realize it's not going to work out.

Some people have changed. I think most don't . I don't see any evidence from your post that she is getting ready to change. You could put your life on hold and hope she does, and that is certainly an option. It might even work out in the end. But - probably not. It sounds like a recipe for pain to me.

I agree with Halfasianmomma, the best thing to do is focus on yourself and your child right now. It's the most stable option for your child, and has the most potential for your long-term happiness.

[dadicated]

Yeah that's what i'm doing, but once in a while i get to thinking about her. I definitely want whats best for my daughter, and the way things were going weren't best for her. I am focusing on myself and child. I have been talking to someone else, but i don't think i'm ready and i don't want to hurt someone else because i'm not all the way through this yet. Sometimes i feel like i'm giving up on my ex. I know there are underlying issues and that she needs to deal with it/get help. But she won't accept my support so i will continue to leave her be and keep working on myself

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by dadicated 

But she won't accept my support so i will continue to leave her be and keep working on myself

Sounds like a plan.

You don't have to date anyone else if you don't want to. But go for it if you do!

[Mom31]

Totally sounds like she just freaked at the life change and wanted her freedom youth back. I would see how she does with the drinking- if she is in a program etc.