Worried and in shock as a 4 year realationship is falling apart im second guessing myself

[ashatree]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this but i need some advice. I have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 3 yo daughter. We started out great just young freespirits traveling and romanticising life. I was in heaven.... When i was 4 months pregnant and he was still traveling for work he cheated on me with onw of his coworkers and not just physically cheating emotionally cheating which i felt hurt me soo much more than just if he felt he needed some" human contact" ( which is what he said) . Anyway long story short it has taken me years to completely forgive him and get over the pain and complications that that caused us.
    3 years later and we have had our ups and downs he is working in a warehouse 50 hours a week and is losing weight losing passion patience everything. He was a passionate guy with ideas and zest for life ...its all gone now he isn't the same person i met ...that and i was just really young and naive. We both were smoking weed when we met ..we were young travelers :)  but now he needs it everyday to be happy at all or have any patience this has been another sore spot for us because when he isn't high he doesn't have the patience to be a father. i tell him its like im in a relationship with 2 people onw who doesn't like to even hear me talk ad when he smokes he is in absolute love with me its great but ..kind of not real :(
 Anyway he has finally agreed to stop smoking when i begged him for the 100th time and gave ( for the 100th time) an ultimatum quit or we are leaving. With this comes suspician  when he goes out with his weed smoking friends ...it feels like im the suspicious wife making sure he isn't cheating on me. 
  When he finally stopped for a month he just picked up a new addiction .. computergames! every bit of free time he gets ( even if its just 5 min ) is spent gaming ..the most that he interacts with out 3 year old daughter is when he is showing her his games. For a guy that works 50 hours a week half of that night shift we don't see much of each other and i think that its just being wasted with these videogames. 

     And now the part i need advice over  Am i just being a picky naggy partner as he says? trying to take away everything he loves? he says im a control freak but i just want a happy family that spends time together.. :( its the night before christmas eve and we just broke up its never been this permanent I gave him the choice to please stop playing the computer games. He said plainly and with no emotion "no" i poured my soul out to him as i have been doing and he just looked at me with no emotion.He really was my first long term serious relationship. Ive been a stay at home mom planning on homeschooling my daughter and now thats all going down the tubes if im going to go it alone :( im a really attached parent i only get a sitter maybe twice a year . This is really hard for me I don't know how to be a single parent ..and the thought of seeing him with someone else still rips me up inside.
 I know that these issues if not resolved will continue to cause me pain down the road and by severing our bond i feel that breakup pain is less painful than a few more years of neglect and sadness:( .

   But this is a huge decision and i need some perspective am i blowing these issues up and being a control freak ?

[jess in hawaii]

I think your complaints are valid and you are setting appropriate boundaries, BUT... You can't control him, and you shouldn't try, so the only thing left to do is take care of yourself and your kiddo. I know you want the best for him, and that's why you give ultimatums, but if he doesn't want to change, he wont, no matter what. You are young and your daughter is still little, you both have a whole life ahead of you; don't waste it trying to get someone else to make you happy. Take some time to figure yourself out so you can be your best self and the best mama for your DD, and if he comes around, great, and if he doesn't, it's OK. I know it can be hard to picture life as a single parent when you have been an AP SAHM, but your life isn't what you want it to be anyway, so make it something good, and even if it's still less than perfect, at least it will be yours.

[Mom31]

Hugs mama. My ex was addicted to the computer and totally emotionally unavailable to me. I too was a sah mom....  I am so sorry you are going thru this at Christmas.