I got an ugly letter in the mail on Christmas Eve! - Page 3

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

Originally Posted by One_Girl 

That sounds like a tough letter to receive.  Once you move past the hurt this letter caused, I suggest that you try to view the letter as someone trying to help you instead of hurt you though.  Either you are perceived as yelling a lot by neighbors passing by or by children talking to their step-mom about their perspective and that is something you may want to explore more and try to problem solve. 

It may be a simple matter of your children interpreting your emotions incorrectly and labeling the slightest irritations as yelling also, which is something you should explore if you think the letter came from their step-mom.

I am entertaining the possibility that this letter is truthfully from someone who walked past my house and heard yelling.  I am more careful to keep my volume down.  Thanks.  My children are NOT the people who think I'm yelling.  I don't know where you came up with that.  They dislike their step-mom and beg me to just live at my house.  I even asked them if they think I yell too much and they said no.  I told them if they ever think I'm yelling, they can ask me to use my inside voice and they thought that was pretty funny.   

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

The OPer seems to feel she HAS to yell because one of her kids has special needs. But when asked if he's had an eval and is receiving services, she remained silent.

WHAT???  Linda, seriously.  I always enjoy reading your posts on MDC, but this is quite a low blow. 

I think there are a couple of things here that could cause her problems. Her child *may* show behaviors that can be misconstrued as being caused by bad parenting, either to a neighbor or a CPS worker.  (I know my spectrum kiddo has from time to time). These behaviors *could* make CPS involvement more likely.

I agree with this post. Part of what CPS does is look at cases where things like a child has been injured falling down stairs and figure out if there is an underlying parenting problem.

Living with a kid on the spectrum, I suspect that many spectrum kids do all things that *combined with something like a parent seeming out of control* could cause a CPS investigation. I would want to have my ducks in a row. I would want documentation about what professionals believe to be going on with my child and clear plan of what sort of therapies my child was getting. 

I would not want to answer with "I have to yell because my child has special needs, but no, I've never bothered to talk to an expert about my child."  That, to me, would seem to risk opening the door to a lot of intervention on the part of the state.

I've suspected DS was on the spectrum since he was 12 months old and still not pointing, among other red flags.  The pediatrician wouldn't do anything about it.  He failed the MCHAT at 18 months and we had a screening done by early intervention but they didn't see anything wrong.  He passed the MCHAT at 24 months and the pediatrician was like, "see, he's fine."  This was all going on during the tumultuous period of getting divorced and his dad was majorly flipping out and was scaring the (bleep) out of me.  He was stalking me, borrowed a gun, slandering my name all over town and it worked I lost 99% of my friends.  He falsely accused me of child abuse (he admitted that he made it all up).  Because I'm on the spectrum and he doesn't think I am capable of taking care of the kids, even though he knows perfectly well in his heart of hearts that I am great with the kids.  He just wanted to 'win'.  What else?  He tried to have our five year old circumcised behind my back just to hurt me.  I went to the police about the stalking and harassment, but they couldn't do anything, then they talked to my ex and he sweet talked them into thinking I was just a crazy-(bleep).  And they believed him, because when I went to get a copy of the police report they gave me dirty looks and the write-up was extremely slanted against me.  See my ex is a 'pillar of the community' and a 'man of God', and pretty much has this whole town eating out of his hand.  He is a psychopathic con-artist. 

The thing he HATES about me is that I'm on the spectrum.  He cannot stand the thought that what he hates about me is living in his son.  That is a bitter pill to swallow.  All of the threats and crazy that he put me through was to get me to shut up about autism.  He already accused me of Muncheusen by proxy (or however you spell it).  I can do nothing.  My hands are tied to get help for my son until someone else is strong enough to see it.  The pediatrician will have to see it.  A teacher will have to suggest an evaluation.  He is having behavior problems at 4K like wandering off, not following the group, not listening, not remembering daily responsibilities, but his teacher is falling short of actually suggesting an evaluation or mentioning the autism spectrum.  I already know that if I do ANYTHING, I will be accused of doctor-shopping or diagnosis-shopping.  So there. 
 

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

This wasn't "negative, yucky criticism". This was a direct threat. Maybe OP does yell too much. None of us know that. I just haven't seen anything in this thread to suggest that she does. A nasty letter from an anonymous source wouldn't even make me think twice about my parenting (and I second-guess myself constantly). I always consider the source, and when the source is a gutless, anonymous maker of threats, what they have to say doesn't mean much.

People like the one(s) who left the OP that note are the source of a lot of problems, for a lot of people. The only possible result of a note like that is to add more stress to someone's life, and if the busybody thinks she yells at her children too much, adding more stress isn't going to be helpful.

I'm actually feeling really discouraged by the fact that a significant number of people on this thread seem to be assuming that OP does yell at her kids all the time, just because she received a nasty note to that effect. That old saying about "where there's smoke, there's fire" is wildly inaccurate, and an anonymous accusation is hardly proof of guilt. Frankly, the phrasing of that note comes across to me as an all out attempt to make OP feel like crap, and I see no evidence of real concern anywhere in it.

Thank you!  All of my closest IRL friends immediately assumed the letter was from the step-mom because they know she has been harassing me lately. 

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by EarthRootsStarSoul 

Thank you!  All of my closest IRL friends immediately assumed the letter was from the step-mom because they know she has been harassing me lately. 

Dude you've been through enough, let some of the comments on this thread just slide right off of you. I think it's hard for people to really "get" your exact situation without being there and I think everyone seriously means well.

Like I said, if somebody was walking by my house on any day of the week, they might think there was *actual* murder happening inside...what with the ear shattering screaming, the dogs going nuts and the loud world music we play and me, shouting over it to some kid who is about to use a guitar as a hammer or something crazy like that. But if the nosy neighbor looked in the window, they would see an insane pack of dogs running wild and happy kids jumping, playing and causing chaos - while a stressed out mama with knots ("pretty braids") in her hair, three day old PJs on, bread crumbs on her chin and empty, crazy eyes quickly obeyed the shouts of "MORE FOOD, MORE FOOD HAHAHAHAH!" - I'm telling you, my house can be so chaotic....but every creature here is very well loved and knows it.

I bet you it was the step mom, but please do be careful...it could have been some busy-body. butthead of a neighbor and I would hate for them to make good on their threat, given what you've said about your Ex...please, dear dear woman, do NOT give this man the hand-wrapped, shiny bow topped gift of a CPS investigation into your parenting. OH MY GOSH!! UGH!

Good luck. I'm so sorry for everything this dude has put you through and for the failure of the officials and teachers in your life to do their jobs properly.

[Heavenly]

Wow!  That is scary!  I would definitely make sure to not yell at all so as not to fuel the fire at all.  I would maybe even call some services (not CPS) to show that I am seeking help in case it does get to CPS level.  2 of my 3 kids are special needs.  My oldest has bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, ADHD, and multiple learning disabilities and my youngest will be assessed as soon as we can get in for similar issues.  On any given day I'm sure someone could think a CAS call was in order if they heard the stuff she comes out with.  Today we were at the mall (me and the 3 kids) and she was being ornery and misbehaving and just kept acting worse and worse. I just needed to grab some dish detergent so we headed to that section and she starts screaming and throwing a fit.  No one else was in the aisle with us.  All of a sudden she slaps herself in the face and starts screaming that I slapped her!!  She kept screaming that all the way to the check out - that I slapped her in the face and that the police were going to take me away and that everybody hates her and so on and on. My 9 year old was freaking out trying to get her to stop screaming and when she saw some woman staring at us (Ellie had a mark on her face from slapping herself!) she turned to the woman and said, "My mother did not hit my sister, she did it herself because she has special needs and doesn't understand."  Thankfully no one got the police involved!  People just don't understand how hard it is with special needs kids and it can sound a LOT worse than it actually is!

[Altair]

You don't need any pediatrician's or teacher's permission to get an eval. 4 years old is an important time for kids with asds to be getting services, because socially things will keep getting trickier and trickier and they fall further behind. OT sounds like it could be incredibly helpful in terms of tantruming and feeling overwhelmed.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by EarthRootsStarSoul 

WHAT???  Linda, seriously.  I always enjoy reading your posts on MDC, but this is quite a low blow.

.....This was all going on during the tumultuous period of getting divorced and his dad was majorly flipping out and was scaring the (bleep) out of me.  He was stalking me, borrowed a gun, slandering my name all over town and it worked I lost 99% of my friends.  He falsely accused me of child abuse (he admitted that he made it all up).  Because I'm on the spectrum and he doesn't think I am capable of taking care of the kids, even though he knows perfectly well in his heart of hearts that I am great with the kids.
 

I'm sorry that my post came across the way it did. I didn't mean to insult your parenting (which I really don't know anything about) but rather to point out how things could come across to a CPS investigator. A lot of what they do is make suggestions about what families need to do to keep their kids, and then follow up to make sure that the families are doing them (at least here). Reading this thread, I can easily see how they could feel that you needed a parental "to do" list with legal follow up.

Your response actually raises more flags -- even the fact that a woman has been in an abusive/controlling relationship raises flags with some CPS investigators, and all the issues with your ex could seriously blow up in your face. This is really a lot more than "neighbor wrote nasty letter about me yelling."  I seriously doubt that CPS would bother to investigate a report of a parent yelling, but you have a lot more stuff going on, including previous allegations of abuse. 

What I was trying to say is that I think it would be a good idea to start covering your a$$. May be start a thread in special needs about how to do that, or in the blended family forum. Your situation is complex. I didn't mean to sound like I was blaming you for the situation, just that I think that staying stuck at venting is most likely not the best option. I honestly think taking action could be helpful to you and your kids in the long run.

Because "I really feel my son needs an eval but his father won't let me get him an eval" sounds like an invitation for the courts to take over the situation, and I doubt that is what you want.

(I would start with a meeting with his teacher and talk honestly about your concerns and ask for her help, and I would also check into parenting classes through a children's hospital or other organization, mostly because I think that would look good to an outsider)

But none of this is about how you are actually parenting right now, rather, it's about how it *looks* to others, esp. CPS.

I'm very sorry that you are going through this, and I'm sorry that my post came across as a blow.

[kathymuggle]

I think threatening to call someone over yelling is almost never appropriate.  It is not CPS worthy, and as such is a hollow threat. 

To those who were hurt by their parents yelling, I hear you.  

I do not think all yelling is the same, however.

Me raising my voice ( and saying :  put the milk away - it will go bad if you do not!) because I have told my perfectly capable teens to cleanup their "snack" 3 times nicely, is very different than screaming obscenities at someone, or using your size and voice to intimidate a small child, yk?

I got the impression from the OP that she was yelling out of chaos and frustration (get down from the chandelier!) not name-calling or causing her kids to cower in the corner.

Hugs on everything else - it seems so complicated!  If what you want (say an evaluation) is what CPS or the courts would want - do it.  At the end of the day - do what is best for your kids despite the ex and his drama - you are their mom and it is your job.  I am not saying you are not doing this, just putting it out there in case fear is making you parent out of fear.  

[minkin03]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

The OPer seems to feel she HAS to yell because one of her kids has special needs. But when asked if he's had an eval and is receiving services, she remained silent.

I think there are a couple of things here that could cause her problems. Her child *may* show behaviors that can be misconstrued as being caused by bad parenting, either to a neighbor or a CPS worker.  (I know my spectrum kiddo has from time to time). These behaviors *could* make CPS involvement more likely.

I read it differently, as her child has sensory problems and possibly aspergers and the kids scream at each other when they fight, not her screaming at the kid b/c he has special needs. If that is the case, I can totally relate with a 6 year old who is spirited and short-tempered and.... who knows.... maybe is somewhere on the spectrum or has sensory problems...and boy is she a screamer. Up until last year we lived in a neighborhood where the houses are really close together and they could ALWAYS hear her screaming when something would upset her or wouldn't go her way (literally a drop of a hat). Luckily for me, my neighbors and I were very close (they were like family to me) and they knew my dd and how she is so it was more of a running joke. (FWIW she's been like this since the day she was born... she came out irritable and the nurses claimed it was the pain medicine I had during labor.... she also pitched an instant fit when she couldn't coordinate her suck at just minutes old). Anyhoo the problem now is we live in a new neighborhood and I cringe when she screams wondering what our neighbors (who I really don't know well at all yet) must think.

[Mom31]

I will never forget my dd being about 2 when she got mad cause I would not let her eat soup cold.... out of a can. I insisted on warming it up. She screamed and screamed and a neighbor came over and wanted to see her to make sure she was ok. Oh the joys of being a single mom.

[cat13]

I just came across this post and don't really have anything further to add except to the OP. It seems like you XH is more interested in getting revenge than raising his children in a happy, healthy way. I wish you the best of luck!