Send good wishes my step-son's way... - Page 2

[VocalMinority]

Wow.  We're 4 days into the new year and our holiday conflict is not quite finished, yet!

DSS got home tonight.  He seems to have had a good time, seems fine.  That's good.

We had some concern that Mom wouldn't put him on the plane.  We told ourselves we were being ridiculous.  He starts back to school tomorrow.  Surely, if Mom hopes to regain custody, she's not going to commit "custodial interference" (a.k.a. "parental kidnapping") AND make him miss school!

Yet, shortly before DSS was to board the plane, DH received a text from Mom (...so her phone DOES work, after all!) saying she might NOT put DSS on the plane, because she was stuck in a long line with him at the airport.  Of course, it was DH's fault, for forgetting to give her the confirmation #, which would've allowed her to check him in without standing in line.  Now...did she contact DH and mention this - ask for the confirmation # - before DSS was in jeopardy of missing his plane?  Of course not.  That would be too...communicative.

Meanwhile:

* My older DSS (from DH's 1st marriage) is getting married this summer.  Naturally, DSS is in the wedding.

* The wedding is after the date Mom typically chooses for DSS's summer visit to start.

* Since summer tickets are already available, we expect Mom to elect the dates of her summer visit any time.  She always buys the tickets before telling DH the dates.

* SO...despite all the current conflict over Christmas, DH felt he had to tell Mom about the wedding before she buys summer tix, so she can adjust DSS's return date, to make up for the days he will spend here, for the wedding.

* Before contacting Mom about this summer, DH went ahead and bought tix for DSS to fly back here the weekend of the wedding (and back to Mom's afterward).  It's an important event.  The timing is non-negotiable and DH didn't want to get into some debate about whether DSS "had to" attend the rehearsal dinner and the morning-after breakfast, or whether he should only come for the ceremony.  (Seriously, when we got married, DH had to leave early the next morning, to get DSS to the airport in time, because it was such a PITA arranging it with Mom for DSS to be there for the ceremony, much less any of the other festivities!  We'd just as soon avoid a repeat.)

* True to her nature, Mom has simply refused to respond to DH about DSS coming back here this summer, for the wedding.

The irony:  DH did remember to give her the confirmation # for the summer tickets...and what did she do with that confirmation #?  She cancelled them!  (Without a word to DH.  He found out from the airline.)  

This can't end pleasantly.

[csekywithlove]

Wow. I'm glad your DSS got home safe and sound. I don't travel a lot (at least not to where i need to buy a plane ticket). So I didn't even know it was possible for her to cancel a plane ticket your DH purchased but with the confirmation number, I guess she could. Is it always like this? Is there an impending court date between her and DH for custody? I hope your DSS had some fun during the visitation. I know you and your family are glad to have him home. 

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by csekywithlove 

Wow. I'm glad your DSS got home safe and sound. I don't travel a lot (at least not to where i need to buy a plane ticket). So I didn't even know it was possible for her to cancel a plane ticket your DH purchased but with the confirmation number, I guess she could.

Airlines would probably restrict ticket changes to the original purchaser, if there were more families out there like ours!  

To be fair, DH also cancelled tickets Mom bought (the ones for DSS to fly out there Christmas Eve).  Now, he gave advance warning and was trying to ensure the tickets weren't wasted, not trying to keep DSS from visiting.  But I'm sure Mom felt just as ambushed as we did, when she cancelled the ones for the wedding.

Is it always like this?

No.  Mom changes a lot, depending on what's going on with her.  Sometimes conflict, for her, is total war, where the ends justify the means.  Sometimes she's actually cooperative!  Sometimes she's merely passive-aggressive, as if to remind people she's still in the game:  she may seem uncommitted to her stated position and satisfied with any perceived concession she can wrest from DH.  

That's how it began, this year.  She went ahead and gave DH Christmas (or thought she did), but she picked flights she knew he'd object to (where DSS had to change planes by himself in Denver).  So, at least she would force DH to accept her will about the flights; or to pay for different ones, himself (as he's done before).  Instead, DH refused to let DSS take the flights Mom chose; and he wouldn't pay to change them himself; and he pointed out her mistake about the date of Christmas, which likely embarrassed her.  

When she feels backed into a corner like that, she seems to look at things from an outside perspective ("How could I spin this, to get someone else on my side?") and then convince herself that her spin-doctoring is her own, true perspective.

So, rather than changing DSS's tickets (which would've make her feel like she gave in), she chastised DH for confusing her prior "flexibility" with a disinterest in Christmas; claiming it was terribly important that she have DSS this particular Christmas and she wouldn't accept anything less!  

Naturally, we found that bizarre, since moments before she hadn't known what day Christmas was and volunteered to let DSS spent it here!  But I think her new spin sounded very sympathetic, to her:  Poor, cooperative, peace-making mom lets dad have Christmas several years in a row; then he takes advantage of her kind, flexible nature by refusing to let her have Christmas, the year she was most looking forward to it!  And I believe the more she thought about it, the more that became reality, in her mind.

By the time DH broke down and paid to change DSS's tickets, Mom's Christmas tree had been up for a month (whereas, she didn't bother with one at all, last year) and she had a technicolor story line in her head about her cozy Christmas traditions and how ecstatic she and DSS both felt, that he'd finally spend the holidays "at home", after all the years they yearned to celebrate together, but were kept apart by selfish, cruel DH.  Paying for the tickets was no longer a sufficient concession.  By sending DSS on the 26th, DH "ruined her Christmas".  And now we seem to have progressed to total war.  DH didn't give in to her plans, so she won't cooperate with his!  

And completely removed from Mom's radar are any thoughts of DSS's right to attend his brother's wedding...or to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day, with the parent who observes it every year, completely unassociated with any post-marital conflict!

Is there an impending court date between her and DH for custody?

No.  She's been very clear she plans to ask for custody when DSS turns 14 (the summer after next).  

There are numerous things over which DH considers taking her back to court, but the headache, expense and conflict of it all tends to make him decide not to.  Yes, there are a lot of financial things she's supposed to be contributing, but doesn't.  Yes, it would be nice to have a clearly-worded court order about how to arrange winter break.  But the biggest thing is having custody and the other details kind of pale, in comparison.

I hope your DSS had some fun during the visitation.

It sounds like he did.  Thanks!

Edited by VocalMinority - 1/5/12 at 8:49am