Two years ago today, I was lying in a hospital bed flat on my back after a spinal fusion, pregnant and 16 wks along. A couple of friends came to visit me, brought me little gifts and treats. I was crying my eyes out because my husband wouldn't come see me. He had emailed me, saying "When you get out of the hospital, we need to talk." I cried and cried and cried, and could barely eat. The doctors and nurses were worried about my iron levels, and kept bringing me Boost with ice cream in it. That helped. The pain meds were worsening my stomach ache, so I stopped taking them. I remember one of the guys that delivered my meals, Phil, brought me a flower and told me not to worry, that everything I was crying about was going to be okay. That cheered me up about 1%, but it was so nice to hear those words.
I just remember laying there, the smell of hand sanitizer and bleached sheets, and thinking how much I hated that my husband was being so cruel, all the while believing he thought I had behaved so badly that he had to leave me. I was so utterly crestfallen than the man I had married, whom I would never withhold anything from, be it affection, help, attention, time, money, food, sympathy, and yet he deserted me when I was carrying his child and going through a living hell.
The day after Christmas in 2009, I was released from the hospital. He came to drive me home. My mom was flying in at 5pm, and the airport was 45 mins away, so it was around 4:15pm when he dropped me off at the house so he could go pick up my mom.
In the 10 minute drive home from the hospital, he says, "I've decided to file for divorce. I'll be doing it next week. " He helped me get up the steps and into the house with my walker, and sits with me for about 5 mins, telling me his reasons for his decision. I'm utterly shocked to the core. Then he says if I will sign us up for marriage counseling, he's willing to go. Then he left to go get my mom.
This Christmas morning, I relive those moments in my mind, and I wish I could go back in time and tell myself it was all going to be okay, and in two years I would be thanking God for that day. I probably wouldn't have believed it anymore than coming from a stranger.
But more than everything turning out okay, it turned out GREAT! I am happier today than I have ever been. Looking back at every moment of my relationship with my ex, I see I was constantly on edge, hoping he would not despise the next thing I said out loud or criticize me for putting effort into something he thought was pointless, or chastise me for having needs. I was always hoping he would be happy for a few minutes so that I could feel permission to enjoy the day. It rarely happened. He preferred to enjoy things alone.
Anyway, I was pondering the phrase "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away" and just feeling ever so grateful that He took my ex away from us. Even though it seemed like my husband was abandoning me, it really was the greatest gift I could have gotten for Christmas that year. Life without him is AMAZING!!
People everywhere remark on how HAPPY my DD is. She's just a ray of sunshine dancing around, being friendly and sweet, shy and spunky, acting out her natural impulses, and having fun. They tell me it means I'm a good mom. I think I do okay, but to me it's the LACK of a critical harsh snobby arrogant passive aggressive presence in our lives. If we were still together, I would be constantly grooming her to his approval (or at least he would think I was...I think even now he thinks I'm doing that when I try to share little stories about her) so that he would approve of my mothering skills, i.e. me doing the job he "pays" me to do.
It's been a hard bumpy scary road getting to here. There was a lot of despair and sadness, lots of fear and a lot of throwing up just from nerves, but I made it, and DD has been thriving since birth. She has no idea what we escaped, and I hope she never will. I'm raising her to be joyful everyday, to give and receive affection often, and to sing at the top of her lungs whenever she likes.
Life is good 2 years later. I hope this encourages those of you who are just starting out on your path to single mommyhood. You can do it. It'll all be okay, you'll be stronger for it, and hey, it might also turn out to be more WONDERFUL than you could have imagined.
Edited by bananabee - 12/25/11 at 7:54am