Scared of the baby

[Jula]

I am scared of not feeling a connection with this baby. I seem to be the only person in this position. All of you mothers-to-be seem to either already feel a connection or… are certain you will feel one. And I am deadly afraid that I won’t and what that will do to the baby and me, never mind DH.

Here is the back story: I never wanted kids. But this is a wanted, planned pregnancy; my first. How did I get from A to B? It was purely an academic, “rational” decision. DH has always been baby mad. So I decided to at least think about it. This involved me going around asking every woman I knew why they decided to have a kid, if they regretted it, if they regretted not having kids. Over the years, I made a list of pros and cons. The cons seemed to far outnumber the pros. Only one pro made any sense to me, people were telling me that having a child is a unique life experience – one that was largely positive – and one you simply couldn’t experience if you didn’t go there. So over the years, I went from not wanting kids, to being indifferent, to being intellectually curious about this supposed unique experience. So my decision to have a baby was made from the head, not from the heart.

I am ten weeks pregnant and I still don’t feel maternal. The first time I saw the ultrasound image of the baby, I thought it looked like an alien. Has anyone else made a decision to have a child based on it making sense on paper, and based on blind faith that an emotional bond will be formed at some point? I hate not knowing in advance, and having to hope and trust that some switch will magically turn on. What if it doesn’t?

[Kindermama]

Chances are it will "turn on". You're wired for it to "turn on".  I believe you have the opportunity of a lifetime to lead a life lived from the heart and not the head. Good that you are starting your internal journey now in the early stages of your pregnancy. As long as you can remain "open" hearted, your heart will change with time. CONGRATULATIONS!

[mirandamiranda]

Try not to worry. A lot of women don't necessarily feel "maternal" when pregnant, or even bond with the baby straight away. I think there is a myth that everyone falls in love with their baby at first sight, and sometimes people don't like to suggest otherwise. Personally, even though I definitely wanted my children, I still had worries and second thoughts, especially the first time round. And it took me a while to fall in love with my babies too. I had to get to know them first!

It is a pretty huge thing to get to used to, but I think you will find that having a child feeds your head and your heart. One of my favorite things about my children is watching the way they think and grow, how their personalities develop and the unique way they approach the world. They are an endless source of interest and amusement. And if you relax, and don't pressure yourself, the love will come.

[dogmom327]

It is normal for it to take some time. Truly. Odds are very good that your hormones will kick in and you will be nice and attached to your baby by the time it is born. That being said, as you progress in your pregnancy if your feelings aren't changing, it might be worth talking to a counselor or someone who can help you sort through your feelings. Pregnancy is a weird time, everyone handles it differently. But since you didn't go into this wholeheartedly it might be worth a bit of extra caution in terms of possibly getting some help if you feel like things are progressing in a manner you are comfortable with. I only say that because my sister was in a similar situation and things didn't go well once the baby arrived. I think it's very rare to have it go that way but it does happen. The fact that you are aware of your feelings and are being honest with yourself is a great sign though and puts you in a great position to get help if you need it.

[FeralFox]

My son is 3 1/2, and I still don't feel maternal.

My story is similar to yours.  I was a little more into the idea of having kids than it sounds like you were, but not sure I really wanted to go through with it.  During my first pregnancy, I felt no connection to the baby.  It was more like I was running a science experiment on myself - interesting, but there was no overwhelming feeling of love.  Then he was born, and guess what - I still didn't feel it.  For some women the connection happens the moment they see those two pink lines.  For others, it takes time to build.  Over the first few weeks and months with my son, the love grew with each diaper I changed, each breastfeeding session, every look or gesture or stretch that was uniquely his.  I got to know him, not as "the baby", but as a little person, and I quickly began to love that person.  Now that he's growing out of the toddler stage and into his preschool years, he continually amazes and impresses me, and I love the little person that he is more and more every day.  Not because I grew him, but because of who he is as an individual.

Now I'm pregnant with my second, and again I feel no connection.  This time there isn't even the excitement that comes with a first pregnancy.  I'm not worried though, because I could use anothert interesting little character in my life, and I know she'll be exactly that.  She's my child after all.

The love will grow when it's time for it to grow.  Relax and enjoy the ride - you'll do fine.

[AndtheStars]

I think it's totally normal during the pregnancy stage to not feel connected.  The connection part happens with the work and acts of mothering (IMO) so since you're not actually DOING anything to  or with the baby during this stage, it's hard to feel the connection.  I think that breastfeeding was a big part of the connection thing with me.  The idea that my body/breasts make milk that is perfectly tailored to fit my individual child never fails to amaze.  Like FeralFox said, each BF session was a chance to connect a little more with this tiny person who loved and needed me.  Maybe looking at very rational, science-based birth info would be helpful too.  My midwife let DH and I borrow a birth video called The First Hour of Life with Marshall Klaus.  She said that watching it really helped her to connect with her son because it really shows the amazing abilities that newborns have to connect with their mother themselves.  Fun fact from the video:  there are glands around your nipples that secrete a tiny bit of oil/fluid that smells like your amniotic fluid so that your baby can recognize the scent and find your nipples simply by sense of smell.  Things like that are so fascinating to me.  Watching it before the birth didn't necessarily connect with me with DS in utero but it gave me a healthy respect for the BABY'S ability to form a connection with ME which I hoped would help ME form a connection with him.  And it did. 

Pregnancy at 10 weeks is a pretty academic idea too.  You gain a little weight, feel sick (a lot or a little), you're tired, but there's no real evidence that all of this is happening because you are growing another human being.  I'm 16 weeks and still haven't felt the baby move.  It's the movement that starts the process for me.  Until I have daily reminders that there's someone else in there, it doesn't really feel like I'm pregnant and I don't feel connected. 

Don't be hard on yourself or have expectations about how you should feel.      

[Kindermama]

Originally Posted by AndtheStars 

Pregnancy at 10 weeks is a pretty academic idea too.  You gain a little weight, feel sick (a lot or a little), you're tired, but there's no real evidence that all of this is happening because you are growing another human being. 

That's so true even for us seasoned mamas who bonded easily. It doesn't feel real for a long time...sometimes with the first kick and sometimes not! With my 3rd pregnancy, it didn't feel real until she was in my arms....I had been too busy chasing around my 2nd baby during that pregnancy to really focus on the fact that I was having another one soon! 

[Jula]

You all sound so encouraging :)

Kindermama: Thanks for the wishes. The anecdote about your third pregnancy gives me hope.

Mirandamiranda: I too have always thought that I would need to get to know someone first in order to love them. I do like your suggestion that a child feeds both the heart and the head. I just wish I could hasten the process of language etc – I think I would have no problem bonding if the kid popped out and the next minute we were engaging in conversations about the nature of the universe and the meaning of life :)

Dogmom327: Thanks for the practical suggestion. Is your sister coping better now?

FeralFox: I identified with your post somehow. I like the way you separated feeling maternal and loving your child… it suggests that there are many ways of being a mother and that’s rather comforting.

Andthestars: Thanks for the video suggestion. Things like that fascinate me too. I hope you start feeling your little one move soon.

[eirual]

.... if the kid popped out and the next minute we were engaging in conversations about the nature of the universe and the meaning of life :)

You can, and your baby will love you for it. It will just be a little one-sided for a short while. It's amazing all the other ways of communicating a newborn has- there is SO much more than spoken word....you'll get to a point where their squirms mean things to you, their coos, their babble, their eye contact, their snuggles, their elimination even. They're all full of messages and info.

The connection will come mama.

[MrsSlocombe]

I'm four months pregnant, and I can't really say that I love my baby yet.  I am protective of the baby, and won't let my husband near my abdomen for this reason (in part because of a minor placental problem), and I am enjoying being pregnant, but I don't know the baby yet.  I don't even know if s/he is a boy or a girl, never mind what his or her personality might be like.  S/he's just something inside me that needs to be protected.

My theory, based in part on my experience working as a nanny, is that you can't go through countless tough times with someone, starting from when they are infants, and not end up with a bond.  This happened to me when I started with a five month old and worked 40-50 hours per week;  I'm sure it must also happen when I start with a newborn and "work" 24/7.  (I did not develop strong attachments to all of the children I cared for, especially if I started when they were older or if the parents were more involved, with me less in the primary role.  I don't have an especially maternal personality as nannies go.)  On the other hand, I am sure I am going to miss the "going home" part of taking care of a baby, and it is possible that the extreme fatigue will interfere somewhat with the bonding, but I still think there is a huge amount to be said for walking through a fire with someone.

[Psmythe]

I always think it's funny when people coo over those first ultrasound pics.  They totally look like blobs or aliens to me, even my own!  Hearing 'Oh, how cute!' gives me pause about someone's sanity.    One of my friends told me in confidence when I was pregnant with my first that she didn't really have any bond to her child until he was months old.  No one guessed, she wasn't neglectful, her child is well adjusted, it just took her some time to really feel it, and that's ok.  I would suggest if you're worried about it much further into pregnancy that you find someone in real life that you trust to communicate your feelings to, and have that person be a watchdog for any PPD signs for you.  I don't know how many times this pregnancy that I just plain forgot that I was pregnant.  People would ask me the latest news and I'd gush about my husband and our son and they'd gesture at the belly with an expectant 'and...' **forehead smack** AND yes, the pregnancy is going well, thanks for reminding me.

[FeralFox]

I just had my first ultrasound with this one.  The baby looks like a gummy bear.  Seeing gummy bears in the store afterwards made me feel slightly ill.

[cat13]

When I was pregnant, I knew that I would love my baby, but I didn't actually feel love for him, ykwim? Even in the first few weeks after he was born, I felt like I was so busy just being a mom, figuring out breastfeeding and daily life, that it took me a little while to develop my feelings. From the second he was born, I felt very protective over him and knew I'd do anything for him, but at about 5-6 weeks I could finally stare at him sleeping and just feel the love flowing through me.

[maryamrose]

Though my decision wasn't quite as calculated as yours, I decided to get pregnant for very similar reasons. I was never the girl who dreamt of having babies, and if I ever thought about it, it was in the context of adoption, not having a biological child. It was a pretty practical decision, in the end. 

I also felt the same way throughout the first trimester. To be frank, sometimes I just didn't want to be pregnant. I even thought that having a miscarriage wouldn't be the worst thing ever and that my life could just go back to normal. The ultrasound was funnier than it was inspiring (just this little living thing with nubs for limbs - I laughed the entire time). Toward the end of the first trimester when the sickness lifted was a sort of limbo where I wasn't showing, didn't feel sick, and in fact, felt pretty much completely normal (except for some bad acne), so I almost forgot about being pregnant.

I'm close to 24 weeks now and things couldn't be more different. Once it started kicking and squirming, I just melted. It's bizarre, and I can't explain it, but I suddenly realized that this tiny living human was having an experience inside me and I became so attached and protective. I've felt movement for over a month now and I'm still not over it.

Of course, that's just my experience. But I say that how you feel in the first few months isn't necessary an indication of how you'll feel later.

[Jula]

Glad it seems to have worked out for you. I wanted to adopt too once the decision to have kids was made. I just couldn’t understand what the difference was – why would you feel more just because it came out of your uterus; it seemed to me that in both cases love was predicated on getting to know the kid. 

You give me hope in any case. I think I might be okay too. It’s just a weird identity thing at the moment perhaps. I am the last person to coo at babies or even think they are cute. They all look like little old men to me, at least as infants. I can’t imagine cleaning diapers or any of that good stuff. It’s difficult to imagine being different. Who knows, maybe I’ll just be the same... continue telling people that “I am with parasite” for the next 6 months… and when its born, I’ll be the mom who pulls faces at it, messes with its head (tells it that it was born the prince of Zarathusthan…. or is an alien from planet Zogg, rescued by us when its spaceship crashed in our dining room) and experiments on it. (eg. what happens if rather than doing time out, it is made to eat junk food if it is disobedient? Could the association of junk food with punishment successfully induce a long-term preference for broccoli and beans etc? I am full of nefarious plots!). Ha, maybe looking forward to messing with its head is a positive sign – least I am looking forward to something kid-related! I don’t know… all I know is it will get introduced to many different people and places, it will be read to a whole lot, and it will be made to make up stories for my entertainment!

And of course, those who deserve it the least have the easiest time of it. No morning sickness here. And DH continues to cook and clean and do all else – I haven’t had to lift a finger. The kid will have a dad who is sufficiently maternal for both of us, at any rate.

Originally Posted by maryamrose 

Though my decision wasn't quite as calculated as yours, I decided to get pregnant for very similar reasons. I was never the girl who dreamt of having babies, and if I ever thought about it, it was in the context of adoption, not having a biological child. It was a pretty practical decision, in the end. 

I also felt the same way throughout the first trimester. To be frank, sometimes I just didn't want to be pregnant. I even thought that having a miscarriage wouldn't be the worst thing ever and that my life could just go back to normal. The ultrasound was funnier than it was inspiring (just this little living thing with nubs for limbs - I laughed the entire time). Toward the end of the first trimester when the sickness lifted was a sort of limbo where I wasn't showing, didn't feel sick, and in fact, felt pretty much completely normal (except for some bad acne), so I almost forgot about being pregnant.

I'm close to 24 weeks now and things couldn't be more different. Once it started kicking and squirming, I just melted. It's bizarre, and I can't explain it, but I suddenly realized that this tiny living human was having an experience inside me and I became so attached and protective. I've felt movement for over a month now and I'm still not over it.

Of course, that's just my experience. But I say that how you feel in the first few months isn't necessary an indication of how you'll feel later.

[BubbleMa]

hehe I like your idea of experimenting with the junk food...hmm...

Some mothers never feel maternal, but they're still good mothers.  You don't have to get that "awww...I could just eat you up" feeling every time you look at your child in order to be a good provider and loving parent.  kwim?  That doesn't mean the only other option is to be cold and uncaring either.  There's something in the middle.  You'll love your child no matter what, even if you never get the mushy-gushy-lovey-dovey feelings. 

[Plummeting]

Originally Posted by Jula 

Has anyone else made a decision to have a child based on it making sense on paper, and based on blind faith that an emotional bond will be formed at some point? I hate not knowing in advance, and having to hope and trust that some switch will magically turn on. What if it doesn’t?

I did that with my second. I just figured no one ever regretted their kids, so I gave it a shot. I did NOT bond with her right after birth, but I honestly don't think it had anything to do with that. Sometimes that just happens, and it's totally okay. I loved her and all that, but I didn't feel that instant connection I felt with my first. We got there after a couple of months or so - maybe 3 - and of course now I love her to death. Now I'm pregnant with #3 because dh wanted to try one more time. I bounce back and forth from being excited to being ambivalent, mostly because I got pregnant as soon as I stopped preventing, and I thought it would take a lot longer than it did, so I wasn't really mentally prepared. Silly, especially considering how easily I get pregnant (1st was a bc failure, 2nd was on 1st try, 3rd wasn't really trying at all - just not preventing, lol) but true. I'm not concerned, though. I know we'll get there. :)