I am now a single parent.....

[tireesix]

DH and I split up last Monday, it all got very messy and he moved out Friday. Theres a whole lot of hurt at the mo and it isn't fun. Its a rubbish time to have split up, I am not sure we can fix it but I think we should at least try. I mean, we've been together nearly 10 years, married 9 1/2.

The kids are finding it hard, especially as it was Christmas.

I suffer from Bipolar 2, Ehler Danlos and Fibro so I am not exactly finding it easy. DH also has health issues and depression.... We both carry a lot of baggage from before we met, child hood trauma etc.

Its just a horrible nightmare.

How do we move on?

The girls are all kinda angry, DD 3 hasn't been well for a while with weird temperature issues (mornings she is ok, afternoons and nights her temp can go up to 103 and then she had a stomach bug on top of everything else over Christmas. She was super clingy before all this happened, now shes a limpet, I can't even leave the house for 2 seconds to put the rubbish in the bin.

DD2 has anxiety issues as it is, severe enough that we are waiting for therapy for her, this is just going to be so hard on her.

DD1 loves her Dad to pieces, more than me and she is REALLY angry at me.

Their Dad is a fantastic Dad. Its just that with his health being more severe than mine, I was left to do the school runs etc, all the boring stuff and he got to do more of the fun stuff (which I am rubbish at anyway).

I just want everybody to be happy which is a big ask at the moment. Poor DH has no family but us so he was alone over Christmas which I felt awful about.

I haven't even got money coming in at the mo, I have to sort it all out this week (I am not allowed to work due to the number of problems and severity so I am on benefits but they are all in DHs name or joint claims, so I have to untangle all of that).

I really wanted to get back to education this year so I could find a job I can do (one that doesn't use too much energy lol and doesn't require me to handle finances etc and all sorts of other stuff).

The stress has caused a fibro flare, I can't sleep, I am in loadsa pain, I am tired, I can't think straight.

I just want to go to bed. I am also in the process of increasing bipolar meds to the right dose, was only diagnosed recently and they make me super irritable, so thats not helping....... Just got another 75 mg to increase by which is gonna take about a month.

Why can't life just be easy for once???????

[Emaye]

Hugs.

I am sorry to hear that you are having a terrible time. This comes at especially difficult time, it being the holidays and all. Have you read the book "Feeling Good" by David Burns? Since you said you and your husband suffer from various mental health issues, I thought I'd suggest it. At the very least go and check it out on amazon and see the reviews. It seems to have helped a lot of people. 

I hope things get better for you soon. 

Edited by Emaye - 3/10/12 at 10:50pm

[Kirstyandgirls]

I'll have been single for two weeks on weds so I don't really have anything helpful to say but I know how comforting it is to get replies. Stay strong, eat well and try to get enough rest... Easier said than done I know.

I really hope things get easier for you soon 

Kirsty xx

[tireesix]

Its just a majorly sucky experience.........

I don't know how anyone does it, I wish we didn't have to do it. Why is it that love isn't enough, I mean, we do love each other, so why can't we make it work??

I dunno. Just really sad for all of us. I feel so bad about it all, we have hurt each other so bad and I don't know why. Maybe its just all that baggage finally taking its toll.

I am so tired as well.

Its gotta get better?

Kirsty......

[Kirstyandgirls]

Being the holidays doesn't help either does it :( I've had such a crappy Christmas and my kids don't even know that their dad has moved out yet, it so hard pretending to be ok when I'm not.

Ive not been through a breakup before so I don't know how long it takes to get better. 

Do you think you and your husband can work things out? Have you tried marriage counselling? Or even individual councelling to help you through this.

I don't know why love isn't enough, I'm in the same situation. My now ex has been unfaithful but that doesn't stop us loving each other ... Which just makes the pain of seperation greater.

In time both our families will get through this and we will realise our own strength 

Hugs

I hope 2012 is a better year for both of us xxx

[tireesix]

Ok, our situation is a bit rough. Both of us have health issues, both of us have a LOAD of baggage.

Essentially, DH started getting really crappy with me, just mouthing of at me. He says I was acting a certain way towards him but all I have ever done is try to be understanding etc. Due to his health I ended up doing the majority of stuff like housework, shopping etc etc and I was knackered at the end of it cos of the fibro and EDS. So, that combined with vulval vestibulitis, previous sexual assault by a couple of people plus unresolved birth trauma from first baby and a uterine prolapse from third baby....... Sex kinda just became really hard for me and he decided it was because I didn't fancy him anymore, so he got really insecure.

Essentially, his insecurities and health issues, my health and sex issues just caused a load of issues. He started sleeping with a knife under the bed cos he was scared of summat (he was abused as a kid at night by his baby sitter), but I can sympathise with that BUT my brother who sexually assaulted me was obsessed with knives and threatened me on a number of occasions. That combined with his nastiness scared the crap out of me. Theres been trouble between us for a while. Monday we split up because he was having one of his weird turns (friends have assured me I did nothing to cause him to treat me the way he did but I figure it takes two to mess stuff up, I am really crap at talking cos of the way I was raised, so I literally clam up. I can write stuff etc.

He stole my bank card, I was just getting more and more freaked out, he was getting angrier and angrier and was terrified that when he finally left the family home I would prevent him seeing the kids.

So, Thursday comes around, I decide to report abuse to the police (the night before he kept being nasty to me, I asked him to leave the room cos it wasn't good and DD3 was there, he refused, I said I would call the police, he kept saying I was mentally deficient and had a defective personality cos of my bipolar and so the police wouldn't believe me) cos I was scared if I did call the police, they wouldn't believe me.

The policeman asked whether I wanted him to go round and get my bank card back (I had NO money), I kept saying no, finally I caved, really I just wanted things down just in case (I was really scared). Policeman goes to get my card, DH has destroyed it, I freak out and decide I can't go home and end up in emergency accommodation with the kids.

It just kept getting messier, I was told to go to the solicitors on Friday and get an occupation order to get him out and us back in but they couldn't do it. The whole time, I was in contact with my support worker who was in contact with DHs support worker who was in contact with DH. It ended up being chinese whispers and DH was told I had an injuntion against him and he would have to take a course for violent husbands before he could see the kids and he was also told that I had reported him as being physically violent, which I hadn't.

Occupation order couldn't be done anyway because everything was closed early. However, DHs support worker managed to get DH to apply for emergency housing and got him to leave me some money. So, we got back into the house Friday evening.

DH is really unhappy.

I know everyone is going to say he deserved it whatever

BUT

I knew DH was damaged before I married him, I knew I was damaged, with all the stress of finances, health problems, housing issues etc plus our childhood abuse etc, its hardly surprising things ended the way they did. I think maybe we are just too damaged to be together. One person in the relation ship is one ting, but both of us with all our current issues? Thats another. He admitted a few weeks ago that he treats me badly, he forgets things are hard for me too and he did go to the Docs for help, it just didn't come soon enough.

When things were good with DH they were FANTASTIC, but when they were bad they were dire. He is a BRILLIANT Dad, the girls absolutely adore him and his life revolves around the girls. He isn't a bad guy, hes a lovely guy, he just as problems as I do.

The other thing is, while I have dealt with his health, he has put up with mine, I have bankrupted us due to bipolar, I am more down than up and its hard to live with. I am a self harmer, I overdosed 3 times this past year, he had to cope with that and its not easy, I know its not. Thing is, I was only diagnosed bipolar this past couple of months. Now I am medicated and its really helping, no suicidal thoughts, no self harm, no overspending, no voices etc etc etc, thing is, it doesn't undo whats happened in the past.

I do love him, he loves me, but this past week, its been too much. Its gutting. I have been asking for a proper diagnosis for years and all I got was 'your just depressed', if I had had help sooner, if DH had had help sooner (he is in constant pain, has 2 sleep disorders so hardly sleeps and suffers from depression as a result) then maybe we wouldn't have reached this point.

We have struggled on and on and on with little help or support but its eaten away at us and this is the result.

I have to totally stick up for him, I know some will think 'typical abused partner syndrome', but if you knew as much as I do about whats happened to him, I think you would understand fully too why he is the way he is.

Not that I am an angel, I am a total pain in the ass, the bipolar meds have made me really irritable.

In this relationship, we both messed up.

Again, I must point out he is a great Dad, yeah he might have been crap with me when DD3 was about BUT, I think I was using the kids as an excuse not to talk and he became frustrated.

Hindsight is a bitch.

[Kirstyandgirls]

Maybe you just need to be apart until you both deal with your own issues? Sorry I don't have anything helpful to add. 

Hugs 

Kirsty x

[Mom31]

Hugs mama.  I am so sorry you are going thru this. I too have mental health issues and finally feel like my medicine is at the right dose and I am dealing with all my other issues a bit at a time.  When I went thru my divorce I was not on meds and I spiraled awful. Please if not already get under care of a psychiatrist.

It's just plain hard. 

Thinking of you.

[mamayogibear]

*hugs mama* I hope you and your little ones have been having a beautiful day. I'm sorry I wish I had some advice for you  but am also new to this whole situation. Your ex and my ex sound like they have similar personalities. Reading some of the links on the 'surviving abuse' forum here really helped me understand why my ex behaved the way he did and that it is not your fault. Anyways I just wanted to say hang in there mama you can do it one day at a time. Best wishes.

[*MamaJen*]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this, mama. It sounds like a huge load to bear. My only advice is that you want to try really hard to keep things as stable as possible, for the sake of your kids. That's really great that you've gotten a real diagnosis and you're working out the best meds. Maybe the relationship isn't over forever, but it sounds like he needs to start doing the same work that you're doing to be more stable. It sounds like he was losing touch with reality -- sleeping with a knife under the bed because he was scared of something definitely indicates that he should be seeing a mental health professional. It doesn't mean he's a bad person, but it does mean he might need medication.

My only other advice is to really focus on your own self care. You've taken great steps to make yourself healthy for your kids. Even though this is a really hard time -- or rather, because it's a really hard time -- it's especially important to keep up your self care. Do the things you need to do to stay healthy, reach out to your support network as much as you can, access a therapist, take long hot baths with a cup of tea, journal, just really treat yourself like a cherished daughter who's going through a hard time. You will get through this.

[tireesix]

We have sorted it so the kids are seeing him every other day. He can't afford to take them out now and he is in temporary accommodation so I said he can just stay here with them a few hours. I find it really hard and he was worried that I was not coping with it (he was here a while today and I did find it really hard) BUT, when my parents divorced, I was the same age as my eldest, I had to put up with them at each others throats for years. I appreciate that he is thinking about how I feel but I told him, I HAVE to get used to it. I don't want our kids feeling like I did. I WANT him to be able to come over and feel comfortable in my home. I want the kids to be comfortable with us together. We may not be together, but we can work on it. I convinced him to just let me deal with it, I have to. Hes gonna give me some time just getting used to it and I told him, if I find it hard, I will simply remove myself from the situation, it is better I go to my room or out for a couple of hours than to shift them out for a few hours. Like I said to him, this isn't about me, this is about the kids and him having quality time together and my feelings cannot get in the way of that.

At the moment I have meds, a great GP, a mental health nurse, psychologist, psychiatrist and a support worker. I also have an occupational therapy person,a health visitor who knows us as a family...... A school that knows us and is great with us.... Really,I am very lucky now (shame I couldn't have had this a while back lol).

DH is now in the depression and anxiety service.

I think we will get there, whether we end up back together or not isn't important right now I don't think. I am just happy we are mostly getting along (even though it is hard......).

Whats really stupid, is I can talk to him by text/writing but I can't actually talk to him. I know it stems from childhood, my thoughts/feelings etc were wrong and bad and I learnt to simply with hold EVERYTHING. I don't know whether that can be undone, wo knows? I do know though that it was a HUGE issue in the relationship. I kinda married young (21) to a guy 14 years my senior and the age gap really didn't seem to matter but I think our experiences did and the time we had to experience things IYSWIM??? Difficult to explain.

He is a really good guy. My friends daughter (15) has quite literally adopted him as her dad (short story, her bio dad is a twat, the guy who raised her who she loves died 3 years ago, her now ex step dad is a twat). My Dh is generally chilled, hes understanding etc and he reminds her a lot of the guy who raised her. She adores DH. I am so glad she saw him christmas day and met him the next because she was so sad about him not being here. Now she gets to see him whenever, he took her to the cinema with our girls today and she had a good time (our kids call her Aunty lol).

I do feel better about things, still incredibly painful and hard but, we do seem to be doing better with our own 'space'.

Yesterday I rearranged MY room so it is now a nice chilled out place to be and it does feel good.

Anyway, kids are due bed so I better dash.......

Thank you!!!!

[Kirstyandgirls]

you sound like your in the UK. Whereabouts are you? (if you don't mind sharing - I'm in the northwest)

Sounds like you're doing a great job with putting your childrens needs first. I'm glad your in a more positive place today.

I told my ex yesterday that there was no hope of us reconcilling and he didn't take it well :( He hasn't made contact today and yesterday refused point blank to sit down with the girls and tell them we are no longer a couple. I'm hoping he will cool off soon and start putting the children first.

[tireesix]

I live in Devon in the UK.

With regards to putting the kids first, both DH and I had messy childhoods due to divorce etc and we really wanted to avoid it.

I had a really bad day yesterday and he came round about 9:30 pm with some prawns and a bottle of cider and we were just able to chat. He was around today so he could visit the kids, he did some of his washing, watched the kids while I went shopping and met a friend.

Hes round on Monday for an arranged visit, Tuesday cos I have an appointment and then Wednesday for an arranged visit. We are actually getting on really well, simply not in a relationship now.

He was a bit concerned about doing washing here, wasn't sure I would cope well with everything (I was a mess Thursday) and he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable in my own home, BUT, I told him that I want him to feel comfortable here, I LIKE him being around as a friend, I enjoy seeing him and the kids together. I said to him as well, that with him being in temporary accommodation, it is probably better he does laundry etc round here (due to health problems) instead of him waiting around in a laundrette. He brings his own detergent etc or we work summat out so he doesn't feel like hes making me feel used/uncomfortable.

Once term starts hes going to come round 2/3 times a week to pick up girls from school, sit with them for dinner and then have book/DVD time with them and then one day over the weekend is going to be his day with the kids. I am happy with the arrangement.

He was also unsure of keeping the house keys, I said to keep them because a) I tend to lose things like keys, b) he has offered to take girls to school now and again and due to appointments, I might not always be in when he drops girls off. He said he will always make sure we have a prior agreement before he uses keys, and I am happy with that

I don't know, does all this sound weird?

I also told him that should he like someone and end up in a relationship that I want things to continue as are (he is adamant that he is not looking for a new relationship but I said things change, unexpected things happen, best to be clear about it now), I just wanted to reassure him that I wouldn't do as his 2 ex's did which was make life hell visitation wise once he was in a new relationship.

I am glad we are getting on well, I want him to be able to come round and me help him out, him helping me out. I want us to set a good example to the kids, that just because our marriage has ended, doesn't mean that it has to be the end of everything.

I think that as a result of the way we are handling things, while the girls are upset, they don't seem to be as upset as we expected, but then, he is in contact with them every day either through visits or a phone call and we make sure they know when he is going to visit next so they know where they stand.

He has also really helped me out financially, he took the mattress when he went, I was a bit surprised and a couple of relatives said nasty things about him because of it BUT it is his mattress, its memory foam which he needs for his back problems. I was told I could get a crisis loan to help get a new mattress, but it turns out I couldn't. My dad offered to buy a new bed (the money was my step mums though) and while on the phone to him sorting it out I could hear my step mum in the background shouting 'I'm not happy about it'...... She was a complete cow (like I hadn;'t been through enough, finances are up in the air, split with my husband, dealing with mental health issues, not sleeping because sharing a mattress with my 3 year old is uncomfortable and the mattress just kills my shoulders, back and neck anyway (I too need a certain sort of mattress otherwise my mobility is affected, severely sometimes)). DH though, came round, and bought me a new double bed and mattress (with a memory foam layer). It was money he needed (I am going to pay him back), he said 'just don't ever ask your Dad for help again because it always comes with problems and strings attached'. He didn't have to do that, it was with money that is supposed to help towards his care. I don't know, hes just been really good about stuff. I am going to try pay him back within the month because its not like he has lots of cash, neither of us do at all, he didn't have to do it, but he did. Then again, he knows the pain I suffer from. We both get Disability Living Allowance to help towards costs caused by health problems, so I will pay him back with that. I dunno, just shows you the kinda guy he is.

I don't know why we don't work as a couple, but we make fantastic friends, its just really odd. I do love him, very much and the same goes for him towards me. Our set up now, it just seems to work so much better, we get along better, we are able to focus more attention on the kids because we both give each other time to relax and recouperate so we aren't so stressed around the kids.

Anyway, my 3 year old is crying so I better dash........