Support for encountering people who have money don't remember what it's like NOT to have money - Page 3

[seawitch]

I think it does depend on individual situations but the people who have more and who have posted on this thread, do have a feeling (which may be totally right, in their cases) that their family members with less money feel entitled to their money.

That's the sticking point, I think. Perhaps the individuals are entitled money-grubbers. (I'm more than happy to take the posters at their words. It's quite likely we all know at least some people like that. But I think the other posters in this thread are especially wary of being lumped in with that category of people and DO worry they come across as entitled.

My father made a fortune from absolutely nothing other than pure hard work. He was ALWAYS feeling like people were trying to cheat him from his money or wanted too much from him. Yes, some people definitely were. But, he became paranoid after a while - and lumped everyone in that category, even people (like my aunt and uncle) who felt very uncomfortable getting anything from him. He gave them money because he felt obligated to, but then talked crud behind their backs about how they were trying to get his hard-earned money. When... no, it wasn't like that at all. Eh.

[Greenlea]

I understand it can be difficult dealing with people who have more money AND are thoughtless when it comes to your situation, but it really is up to you to speak up.  If you can't afford the restaurant your Aunt wants to go to, you need to be clear that you can't afford it.  Don't just sit back and assume she will pick up the check.

I have a tight budget and me and my DH hardly go out - when we do its to do free stuff we can find.  I also give up alot of non-necessities in order to buy the healthy organic food I like to buy too, but thats my choice.  I know there are people out there struggling way more than me, but just don't lose your voice when it comes to your life and your money. 

[MariaMadly]

Originally Posted by Greenlea 

I understand it can be difficult dealing with people who have more money AND are thoughtless when it comes to your situation, but it really is up to you to speak up.  If you can't afford the restaurant your Aunt wants to go to, you need to be clear that you can't afford it.  Don't just sit back and assume she will pick up the check.

I have a tight budget and me and my DH hardly go out - when we do its to do free stuff we can find.  I also give up alot of non-necessities in order to buy the healthy organic food I like to buy too, but thats my choice.  I know there are people out there struggling way more than me, but just don't lose your voice when it comes to your life and your money. 

Re the bolded part, I'm on the fence about this and think it may depend on the situation and relationship.  Sometimes it's healthier to be forthcoming about it, but other times with other people then I don't think it should be necessary.  I don't think I owe someone else an explanation every time I don't participate in something, and I think it can be overbearing in some circumstances for people to expect it.

[Imakcerka]

Have you ever had a friend that will insist you go.  " Come on it's only 20 bucks!"  No matter how many times you say no it's still not good enough.  In our office everyone does weekly treat out.  As in you fly I'll buy kind of deal.  So if I go out to get lunch I'm getting everyone lunch and they pay me back.  I told them from the get go I'm not in on it but it doesn't stop them from asking all the time.  Even now when I have money I really don't want to get into the habit of doing it because I may need to pay for things later.  A tire or dentist bill and I don't want to be short even a dollar.  Believe me this has happened.  
 

Originally Posted by bearski5 

That wasn't what I was getting at at all...... It all comes down to this....If you tell someone that you can't go somewhere, I don't think you should have to give them a reason why you can't go. I never tell people that I can't go because I don't have the money, I just don't think it's their business....so I'm not sure why people feel the need to tell others. They should take it that you can't go and leave it at that.....or you could come up with something that you can afford.     And you should always check into things before you to them..always...even if you don't live that life!

[MariaMadly]

Originally Posted by Imakcerka 

Have you ever had a friend that will insist you go.  " Come on it's only 20 bucks!"  No matter how many times you say no it's still not good enough.  In our office everyone does weekly treat out.  As in you fly I'll buy kind of deal.  So if I go out to get lunch I'm getting everyone lunch and they pay me back.  I told them from the get go I'm not in on it but it doesn't stop them from asking all the time.  Even now when I have money I really don't want to get into the habit of doing it because I may need to pay for things later.  A tire or dentist bill and I don't want to be short even a dollar.  Believe me this has happened.  
 

This would screw me to the ceiling.  I hate someone else defining what's affordable for me or not, or even how I should allocate what I *can* afford.

[bearski5]

That would really make me MAD! I'm all for doing things every once in a while...but like you I could need that money for other things....
 

Originally Posted by Imakcerka 

Have you ever had a friend that will insist you go.  " Come on it's only 20 bucks!"  No matter how many times you say no it's still not good enough.  In our office everyone does weekly treat out.  As in you fly I'll buy kind of deal.  So if I go out to get lunch I'm getting everyone lunch and they pay me back.  I told them from the get go I'm not in on it but it doesn't stop them from asking all the time.  Even now when I have money I really don't want to get into the habit of doing it because I may need to pay for things later.  A tire or dentist bill and I don't want to be short even a dollar.  Believe me this has happened.  
 

[jess in hawaii]

Sometimes people just don't "get" that, yes, $10 makes a difference for some families. Hell, plenty of times I can't spend $2 to get a coffee with a friend. A lot of people simply can't wrap their minds around poverty, especially if you look nice and reasonably well dressed.

[seawitch]

Yeah. I think you're "supposed" to look a certain way if you're poor - haunted eyes, dishevelled hair in a bun, aged beyond your years, dressed in a potato sack or something - like you're out of a 1930's Great Depression photo. If you don't look the part, you must be exaggerating your financial situation.

[Adelio]

Yes, definitely the potato sack!!!  I love it!
 

Originally Posted by seawitch 

Yeah. I think you're "supposed" to look a certain way if you're poor - haunted eyes, dishevelled hair in a bun, aged beyond your years, dressed in a potato sack or something - like you're out of a 1930's Great Depression photo. If you don't look the part, you must be exaggerating your financial situation.

[jess in hawaii]

And then did you ever have the experience where once they figure out that you really are poor (despite the $200 outfit which they have no idea you put together for $15) they act like you "aren't one of them"? I mean, yeah, I'm not one of them in that I do live well below poverty, sometimes barely squeaking by in a month, but I am like them in that I want to have a more comfortable life, I have pretty traditional values, and I am not lazy/stupid/crazy; I have made some bad choices and had troubles that were completely out of my control. So, no, I can't just "get a job", get out of debt, etc, etc. but I still want to be treated like "normal" people.

[Paigekitten]

Originally Posted by seawitch 

I think it does depend on individual situations but the people who have more and who have posted on this thread, do have a feeling (which may be totally right, in their cases) that their family members with less money feel entitled to their money.
That's the sticking point, I think. Perhaps the individuals are entitled money-grubbers. (I'm more than happy to take the posters at their words. It's quite likely we all know at least some people like that. But I think the other posters in this thread are especially wary of being lumped in with that category of people and DO worry they come across as entitled.
My father made a fortune from absolutely nothing other than pure hard work. He was ALWAYS feeling like people were trying to cheat him from his money or wanted too much from him. Yes, some people definitely were. But, he became paranoid after a while - and lumped everyone in that category, even people (like my aunt and uncle) who felt very uncomfortable getting anything from him. He gave them money because he felt obligated to, but then talked crud behind their backs about how they were trying to get his hard-earned money. When... no, it wasn't like that at all. Eh.

[Mom31]

I am poor but was raised middle middle class( with an upper class mindset lol) and I don't really know how I come across to others now adays. My boyfriend is well off and he bought me a sweatshirt with the logo from a high end winery he takes me to. I get asked all the time if I work there.

When I say no- my boyfriend and I go there they act surprised. I am digesting what this means and if I should present myself differently.

[seawitch]

Originally Posted by Emilie2 

I am poor but was raised middle middle class( with an upper class mindset lol) and I don't really know how I come across to others now adays. My boyfriend is well off and he bought me a sweatshirt with the logo from a high end winery he takes me to. I get asked all the time if I work there.
When I say no- my boyfriend and I go there they act surprised. I am digesting what this means and if I should present myself differently.

Care to elaborate on the last bit? I'm in a point where I really am struggling with the same thing. I feel like I am living authenitcally but I'm often surprised when people get the wrong impression about me. I'm finally, now, approaching 30, starting to realize that while I know who I am and am comfortable with myself, it's kind of also my job to present myself in a way that other people get to know me properly as well. Since we move around a lot and meet new groups of people a lot, I'm more conscious now of how I come across and think I've been downplaying myself a bit, being a bit too modest, etc. I never liked the rich snobby girls I grew up with so I learned to cultivate the opposite, but I think I've gone too far and I'm trying to find a happy medium now.

[Mom31]

Yes- I think I do the same thing- I don't want to come across as snobby or stuck up...but I come across as i don't know uneducated and I don't know.... I will think on this.

[mamaofprincesses]

I haven't read all the posts, but I had to chime in here. Like many on this board, we are on a tight budget. For the longest time, I thought of family reunions as luxuries. I didn't go. I still saw my parents a couple of times a year, but I passed up opportunities because of money. 

My mom died in July. She was only 58. I thought I had years left, and I didn't. One of my uncles died last month. My brother-in-law died last year. Two other aunts are contending with serious health issues. I still wouldn't go to a family reunion if it meant putting my family in debt, but I would accept a generous offer from a family member who could afford it. And I would make my gratitude very clear.

Originally Posted by Adelio 

And currently, dh and I have a debate about whether or not we should let family pay for things.  I have a rich aunt that paid for us to come to a small family reunion a few years back....a big reunion is coming up and dh doesn't want to go unless we can afford it, which we can't unless we charge it.  I figure auntie  wouldn't offer unless she wants to pay, so why shouldn't we go....but he feels it is taking advantage and would rather not go.  

[Amys1st]

We have always kept our money earnings private. No one else needs to decide how we should spend our money. I was a SAHmom for several years because we had the means to do so. Does that mean we drive new cars, take budget breaking vacations, and shop for all kinds of things? Nope. We live quite simply. We do have a few hobbies etc that cost some bucks and we are foodies but that can be done in a simple way as well.

We do have the means to go here and there and everywhere with the friends, do have the means for the game tickets, meeting everyone for pizza etc. But we would need to choose one of these things, not all of them. Why? Because if we did, we would be living a very tight budget or put us in debt. Not worth it for us.

Just like because I was not employed for several years and many many people have had a crazy thought they could use me for anything from babysitting to whatever since 'all I do all day is sit at home' its not open for discussion why I am not helping you all the time but in a bind, by all means since you would do that for me too- right?

So for us, its not that we dont have the money, but we do have a limited and budgeted amount and if we use it for the playoff tickets, than we cannot do several date nights with just the two of us, which is really how we would really like to spend that money.

And yes, as a pp said- you say, no cannot do that for whatever reason but you are spending money on this!!! Yes, I am and its my money and I will decide. Of course if the person lent you money, they will have that over you which is another thread all together.

[goldfishkate]

To the original poster: I completely understand where you’re coming from. It’s easy to be envious of those who have what you want, but I’ve come to learn that appearances can be deceiving.  My husband and I have a limited income and we have to make decisions about how to spend our money. I hate telling my kids that we can’t do xyz because it’s not in the budget.  We live in a working class neighborhood and I’m very fortunate to have friends who understand. It also helps to have a husband who escaped genocide, lived in a refugee camp and immigrated to the US with literally nothing. It’s all in perspective.

My parents have a good income and tons savings. They make gifts to my husband and I, but we never ask for a hand out. My parents don’t know our annual income but my mom likes to make snide remarks about why we can’t afford xyz when my husband just bought another toy. The “toys” my husband buys are things like a snow plow for his side business. He takes some of the money he makes and reinvests it back into his business. My mom doesn’t understand that we don’t have tons of cash! It’s very irritating.    

[crunchy_mommy]

This is a really interesting discussion, & something I've been thinking about a lot lately. My friends often talk about how 'affordable' something is, how they're so glad business X is making Y affordable to everyone... that drives me insane because it is simply NOT affordable to everyone, only to the solidly middle-class, and I don't understand why they don't realize that. I am also often invited out to places I just can't afford. I turn down their invites, but it's hard to continually come up with excuses that don't make it look like I don't want to see them, so sometimes I have to flat-out say I can't afford it. That is a TOUGH thing to say, no one else is expected to state their families' finances just to get together with friends, you know? I think it is quite obvious that we are not financially well-off -- my DH can't find a job, we can't afford to sell our house, I am vocal about shopping almost exclusively at thrift stores or curbside on trash day, I've dropped lots of hints, yet they still keep assuming I can afford things. It's just a tough spot to be in.

I don't expect anyone else to pay for anything for us, and I actively refuse offers (except the inlaws, they often buy us takeout, though I guess we spent the money in gas to visit them -- they won't drive to us -- so it all equals out) or, among close friends, make absolutely certain to reciprocate. I'm not necessarily envious of anyone else's money, it's just the attitude that if they can afford something, everyone should be able to afford it.

[Imakcerka]

That's the sucky part.  You shouldn't have to tell everyone your financial situation.  I just wish people would understand that it's not that you don't want to spend time with them it's that you cant afford to spend time with them the way the they want to do it.  I haven't been invited anywhere in years.  The invites stopped.  I couldn't afford shopping trips or spa days then, but I can now.  However, I dont want to.  I don't want to waste one dime on that crap.  I like keeping things the way they were.  For me it's more comfortable and more enjoyable when money isn't what is powering your time together.  I do have one friend that is a notorious spender but she's mentally ill and I have to reign her in often.  She still asks to do stuff with me but I want us to do something small like game night or running.  Not all the other crap. 

As far as family is concerned they literally scattered when we were having tough times.  But when we had money they had their hands out all the time.  Always asking for loans.  Not kidding.  Dh's mom needed 200 for something to do with buying her house.  He gave it to her.  And I once needed about 200 for a doctors bill... we borrowed it.  ( this was years later by the way)  She wanted it back ASAP!  I reminded her that we lent money to her for her house and didn't demand repayment.  "Well, this is different and it's not your money that he lent"   Ha... yeah it was!  Family still expects us to visit them.  The cost on us is enormous to visit and for them it's only 1/4 of what we would pay but they still refuse to do it.  Like my mom this Christmas she told us she couldn't afford gifts for the kids.  I told her that was fine I knew she was going through a lot.  However my sister reported my mother spent 1000 on gifts for her and her husband as well as my step dad and my step dad spent over 1000 alone on mom.  What?!  You'll ask me for stuff all the time but you can't take 20 out of your supposed gift budget and send the girls something small?  By the way my sister is dirt poor and does what she can for others.  And that is why were sending them a wad of cash for their birthdays that are close together.  She never asks me for anything.  But then again I'd give her the world. 
 

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

This is a really interesting discussion, & something I've been thinking about a lot lately. My friends often talk about how 'affordable' something is, how they're so glad business X is making Y affordable to everyone... that drives me insane because it is simply NOT affordable to everyone, only to the solidly middle-class, and I don't understand why they don't realize that. I am also often invited out to places I just can't afford. I turn down their invites, but it's hard to continually come up with excuses that don't make it look like I don't want to see them, so sometimes I have to flat-out say I can't afford it. That is a TOUGH thing to say, no one else is expected to state their families' finances just to get together with friends, you know? I think it is quite obvious that we are not financially well-off -- my DH can't find a job, we can't afford to sell our house, I am vocal about shopping almost exclusively at thrift stores or curbside on trash day, I've dropped lots of hints, yet they still keep assuming I can afford things. It's just a tough spot to be in.
I don't expect anyone else to pay for anything for us, and I actively refuse offers (except the inlaws, they often buy us takeout, though I guess we spent the money in gas to visit them -- they won't drive to us -- so it all equals out) or, among close friends, make absolutely certain to reciprocate. I'm not necessarily envious of anyone else's money, it's just the attitude that if they can afford something, everyone should be able to afford it.

[dramallama]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

I am also often invited out to places I just can't afford. I turn down their invites, but it's hard to continually come up with excuses that don't make it look like I don't want to see them, so sometimes I have to flat-out say I can't afford it. That is a TOUGH thing to say, no one else is expected to state their families' finances just to get together with friends, you know? I think it is quite obvious that we are not financially well-off -- my DH can't find a job, we can't afford to sell our house, I am vocal about shopping almost exclusively at thrift stores or curbside on trash day, I've dropped lots of hints, yet they still keep assuming I can afford things. It's just a tough spot to be in.

 

Maybe your friends are making an effort to include you and letting you decide if you can participate?  There was a time in my life when I was broke and people just wouldn't invite me and when I asked why they would exchange sideways glances and say, "well, we didn't think you could afford it."  Or I would be interested in doing an activity they were involved in and they would look embarrassed and say, "its kind of expensive........"  I found it insulting. Let me be the judge of what I can afford.  Personally I would rather be invited and then make the decision about whether to attend rather than just left off the list kwim?  Have you tried saying, "I can't make it to X, but why don't I host a game night or a knit night," or something and make it pot luck?