High needs babies anyone? « Back to Group Discussions

[Mama2ChicknLil]

Ok, I've accepted it. It took almost 4 months but I have come to terms with the fact that no amount of begging or pleading or crying is going to make my baby sleep longer or eat less. He's high needs...and I'm exhausted.

This boy still east every 1 1/2 -2 hours around the clock, and take MAYBE 3 hour long naps during the day. He also has a giant fight with his bowels (which apparently he is keenly aware of) every night at 4 am, resulting in a blowout poo (on  good night), or 4 more hours of fussing, wiggling, arching, and snorting. I don't consume much dairy (butter in the pan for my morning eggs and maybe a piece of cheese on a sandwich once a week), and I can't imagine that's affecting him. I do drink coffee, although he seems to sleep worse on days when I miss my morning cup o joe (don't ask, it makes no sense to me either).

Anhow, NOW my DH just got over a cold, which I got (on top of fabulous allergies due to it being dry and in the 70's out here in lala land), and it seems Kai's coming down with something too...ear unfection maybe?

I honestly cannot keep it together!!

Anyone else's babe high needs?

Am I a freak of nature?

And to think I was happy being a couch potato...

[konayossie]

My first one was super high-needs. Really, I still have a lot of residual tension left from it. He got a lot better after about 5 months, and the more he was able to do things for himself (achieving mobility) the better he got. He's still A LOT of work at 2.5, but my life is easier now with him and the newbie than it was at even 18 mos with just DS1. Nothing has even been close to as bad as it was during those first few months. When I made a photo book of DS1's first 6 mos, I titled it To Hell and Back, which people thought was so awful, but it was accurate. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done.

So, it will get better, you're not causing it (if anyone's telling you it's your fault, they just haven't had one of these special babies!), and try to get help to take breaks as much as you can.

[Mama2ChicknLil]

Konayossi thank you so much for responding! I'm sorry you had it rough too with DS1, I am in awe that you agreed to have another child...I'm too afraid I'll get another HN baby. Sometimes I'm not sure it's him, so much as me. I mean, I was perfectly contented to sit around in the afternoons after work and watch hours of TV, or read a book, and ignore dishes, laundry, and bills. I think maybe to someone with more energy and/or patience Kai would not be so hard to handle.

I get what you mean about it getting easier once they can do stuff for themselves. I've noticed lately that he gets REALLY frustrated why he can't get his toys in his mouth (still working on coordinating body parts) and will actually yell at them. He will yell at his toys, and then, usually very quickly, he will begin screaming at ME! Of course, when he CAN get things in there he is so happy and contented...he could stay there for hours.

I have a dear wfriend ( his Grammy, for all intents and purposes) who kept telling me to get him on a scheduled (I kept asking her how exactly? He doesn't understand what I say to him!!), let DH give him a bottle with expressed BM at night, let him lie around and play by himself...my son just doesn't do these things. It wasn't until I forwarded her Dr Sears HN checklist that she called crying and apologizing...of course I didn't need her to apologize, just understand, and support my decision to continue on with the whole AP thing.

To make matters worse, he is already acutely aware of my absence and when I have left him with my sister (who has been with us since he was born...she actually moved in for the first month PP) on Sundays, he creid himself to sleep in her arms and refused to take the bottle from her. Seriously? I am gone for 2 stinking hours to yoga. And I start work next month. Sigh. But it is like you said, I NEED that break once a week. And DH is great, when he gets home from work he immediately takes baby and I get a couple hours of peace. Still though...

Sometimes I do feel like a total failure. I so ascribed to the "just do what they need when they need it and they will be happy contented babies" crap before I had him, that I actually feel like a jerk for some of the things I've said to clients. I couldn't possibly provide for him any more or any quicker, and yet it never seems to be enough. And I'm bone tired about 80% of the time.

Sorry about the rant-i-ness of this :( No sleep last night either. It seriously feels like he is sleeping WORSE as time goes on!!

[konayossie]

Big hugs, mama! High needs babies are SO ROUGH! Do a search on MDC for high needs babies and you'll find tons of threads that will make you feel better to see it's not you--it's the HN. I'm glad you found the dr. Sears HN list. Have you got his Fussy Baby Book? It's all about HN babies and has tricks to try. I found it when DS was about 18 mos and not too bad anymore, but it made me cry reading it bc it really hits the mark and will make you feel so much better if you're blaming yourself.

I completely understand about not wanting to leave baby since he cries the whole time. DS was that way too. I felt guilty inflicting him on anyone else, but I wish I had done it a bit more now. Your sanity is important too. DS also refused to take a bottle, which made it interesting when he started at daycare. Hopefully your LO won't continue to refuse.

It's ok to vent! And try not to beat yourself up about what you might have said to other parents in the past. Now you're going to be able to help other parents who are "blessed" with HN babies. I have known 2 moms who had HN babes since I did, and it really helps them to know other people have been thru it too.

Someday soon, it'll feel like its been worth the struggle. DS1 has such a strong personality and is super-loving. All of the people who've worked with him (daycare providers and such) have loved him and everyone comments on how smart and interesting he is. Those traits that make them so frustrating as babies will serve them well later!

I think there should be some sort of support group for parents of HN babies. I feel bad to say its traumatizing, bc it seems to trivialize severe physical/emotional trauma, but I really don't know a better word to describe what it's like to live with a truly HN baby. For instance, when I got out the cradle swing for ds2 and turned on its music, it made me feel a bit physically ill, I suppose bc I spent so many hours stressing to get ds1 to sleep there ((the only place he'd sometimes sleep besides in arms or being worn).

Speaking of being worn, have you tried that? DS didn't like inward facing carries at all, but he did well facing out.

[scsigrl]

That all sounds so so soooooo much like DS1.  It was torture with him for the first 14 months.  I didn't enjoy much of it between being sleep deprived, angry, sad and tired again!

Have you considered allergies/intolerances?  

I only ask because I thought my DS1 was high needs but at 14 months we found out about his allergies and within 3 days he was sleeping 4-5 hours at a time, had much better diapers and was a changed kid.  I felt so bad when I figured it out and when I look back at his first year.  

It may be something worth exploring.  If you already have, I am sorry for suggesting it again.

[Mama2ChicknLil]

Originally Posted by konayossie 

Speaking of being worn, have you tried that? DS didn't like inward facing carries at all, but he did well facing out.

I absolutly hear you on this one! Kai refused the NB hug hold from the begining (in the Moby) and after 8 weeks refused to face inward unless he was going to sleep!!

Originally Posted by scsigrl 

That all sounds so so soooooo much like DS1.  It was torture with him for the first 14 months.  I didn't enjoy much of it between being sleep deprived, angry, sad and tired again!

Have you considered allergies/intolerances?  

I only ask because I thought my DS1 was high needs but at 14 months we found out about his allergies and within 3 days he was sleeping 4-5 hours at a time, had much better diapers and was a changed kid.  I felt so bad when I figured it out and when I look back at his first year.  

It may be something worth exploring.  If you already have, I am sorry for suggesting it again.

It has been suggested, but I haven't really done anything about it until I read your post...I'm so tired I'll try anything at this point. I'm going of dairy completely (not saying much) and no more coffee, maybe soy too? Eh, who knows. How did DS get diagnosed with the allergies? Can they test for that this young?

Thanks for the kind words mamas...I REALLY need them now

[scsigrl]

Testing at this age is up for debate.  Esp. if you are dealing with an intolerance and not full on IgE allergy (IgE being the ones that can cause anaphylactic reactions).  

I would start with dairy (including hidden in things like whey and butter).  At the same time I would start a detailed food log.  It may help you see if there are other things that could be an issue.  If it were me, I would do one thing at a time (dairy first, move on to dairy and soy next or dairy and egg?  Depends what you eat consistently).  Again, it may NOT solve things but it gives you something to try while  being driven totally insane by a baby!  (At least that is how I felt!)  I will say that I did 2 dairy only trials with no results because DS was allergic to much more (peanuts tree nuts, soy, egg, dairy, coconut, banana, citrus, corn and later also DX with Celiac).  So the trial didn't work because we were looking for much more.  That said, our story is NOT COMMON!  So don't fret!  

DS was dx at 14 months.  At a year we tried milk and he threw up.  A few weeks later we tried egg and he got even more ill.  After that we called our ped for epis and a referral to an allergist. 

[Gracecody]

How are things going for you? I hope somewhat better...

Your post reminded me of some really tough months with my first. I still have a lot of residual anxiety from those months as they were so incredibly draining. He was a little piggy and a huge baby (17.5 lbs at 3 mos), he'd demand to nurse and nurse and nurse until he was spitting up. He was so tough to get to sleep because of this and I remember nursing him in the ring sling while walking rythmically while playing lullabies on the cd player. for an hour or more. then I would carefully transfer him to his crib and that would buy about 45 minutes of sleep. YAWN. Like scsigrl, it turned out that he had some food intolerances (not allergies) that were at least part of the problem - after a total elimination diet it turned out the offenders were dairy, soy, wheat and almonds. I attempted to go back to work full time when he was 5 mos and it was a complete disaster, he wouldn't take a bottle or be soothed and I was a sleep deprived wreck. That was also when he started having blood in his stools. So I took a brief leave of absence. Around the time I got this all figured out (~6 mos) and cleaned up our diet, he was also starting to sit up and play more independently, which was huge for him. He started sleeping so much better and I felt functional for the first time since he was born. So it's hard to tell exactly how much the food issues contributed to the sleep and other high needs or "persistent baby" issues. I remember that Dr. Sears checklist and something Dr. Sears said about how some babies demand to go first class or something like that. That was Ian!! He is 6 years old now and I can totally see that some of his issues were personality-based. He is SO particular about everything and notices every little detail. He also has slept like a rock through the night since I night weaned him at 18 mos. He's an awesome kid, VERY much the virgo though (as my husband and I are too, so we know the traits well!). He is totally thriving in school and I feel like we gave him a very solid, loving foundation in his life.

I think you said before that you can't stand when Kai cries and I am just the same way, I become all agitated and my stomach gets upset. so I work really hard to keep baby happy. But if things aren't going well I also have anxiety just from anticipating him crying. I honestly can't wait until he's just a little older and cries less. Luke is certainly not high needs but I see some of those "persistent baby" characteristics in him too. After my experience with Ian, it's a little easier to brush it off and know that he will blossom into an awesome kid, and that all that I am putting into him is absolutely worth it, and what he needs from me.

As far as coping with the high needs baby...I would say that it's important to not isolate yourself. Have friends over for coffee, go OUT, rely on your husband as much as you can - the "team" approach is absolutely necessary. Get outside in the fresh air, get the longest showers you can, spend time with him in the bathtub maybe with a little lavender oil in the water or in a diffuser nearby - this can be a very relaxing and soothing way to pass some time. It's important to think of SELF CARE and to take that very seriously, because when you are giving so much to your baby you tend to dismiss your own needs. I know that when I am feeling really tapped out, depression soon follows, which is devastating to me because I am normally a really positive and optimistic person. It also helps me to write in my journal and to read Deepak Chopra or Wayne Dyer, both of them help me to constantly adjust my perspective to be able to see past the difficulty of my current circumstances. I hope that helps!!

[Mama2ChicknLil]

Hey!! Oh how sweet of you to check in ;)

Things are DEFINATELY better. I think the key was to just let go an accept that this is how things are. I also tend to believe that all states (especially with a baby) are temporary, so I just have to get through it!! I'm hesitatn to go full force on the elimination iet (partially because I'm lazy and a big fan of food...) but I did cut out dairy and though it's only been a few days, and I already dont eat much dairy, it doesnt seem to be any better. I aboslutly see how once he becomes more mobile he will be a happier kid. He got his hans on his feet this week and immediately got frustrated when he couldn't get thim into his mouth.

Oy...Kai's crying, I'll type more in a bit

xoxo

Happy New Year all!

[Mama2ChicknLil]

Ok, I'm back ;)

GraceCody, you are soooo right about not isolating yourself and making it a team effort. My DH has been so amazing in helping with Kai since I finally lost it and told him I was cracking. His response? Why didn't I tell him earlier... I didn't have a good anwer for that. And I received your response while taking a LOOONNNGGGGG hard yoga class, which made me feel remarkable.

It is so amazing to know that there are other mamas out there who have survived high needs babies! I never believed in astrology, but I can see how Kai is a prototypical Virgo...and luckily, some of my greatest friends and loved ones are Virgos, so I'm hoping he and I end up being compatible too. I did tell e husband (who stared at my quizically) that our next baby will be a Fire sign , because I'm feeling outnumbered (He's a Scorpio, I'm a Gemini...not exactly standardly compatible but whatever).

Now I just need to work on the guilt I feel about how his birth ended up and leaving him to go back to work. I'm exhausted and 2012 doesn't even start for another 6 1/2 hours! Geez!