First I thought I should (re)introduce myself. I have been a mothering.com member for years but after a long time away after my last baby--and a lot of changes in my life too--I thought it was time for a brand-new start. To catch you up a little, I've been a birthing and pp doula since 2006. I have three kids-- 11yr old (c/s), 7yr old (hospital VBAC), and a 2 yr old (UC). I LOVED my UC and I am so happy I had it! It was both a redeeming and healing experience.
Just last night I found out I am expecting number four. I wish I were ecstatic, I really do! But the truth is this is an absolutely horrible time for a child to come into our lives. I have severe HG during pregnancies that has lasted from 5-9 months in my past pregnancies. I just got past two colcy babies in a row, moved four times in 4 years, and started working as a doula again. My seven yr old has severe SPD (and something else yet to be diagnosed). And to top it all off? Due to the economy, husband hasn't been able to find steady work for several months now! We have been holding on to odd jobs here and there but they seem to have come to a complete halt over the last couple months. We just decided I need to get a job to help support us as he hasn't been able to find steady work. We used up every last cent in our bank account, and had to borrow money for the rent the last two months. Every single bill we have is far overdue and I haven't a single clue what to do about it. I don't know who else to ask for help and my husband suddenly seems to have bad luck with work b/c he's getting turned down left and right from employers.
I am so sickeningly overwhelmed because I would NEVER purposefully bring a child into this situation, and now not only am I, but I also have the likelihood of another HG pregnancy. How we will survive if I can't work, I have no idea. Our financial wells have run dry and I've sobbed more than I care to admit about this. I am very literally struggling to come up with enough food each day for the kids I have, how will I feed another? How will I feed the ones I have if I am too sick to work? Who will take care of my kids if I can't? My bank account has less than 200$ in it and I don't even know the next money that will come in or when. Rent for the apt. is due in less than two weeks.
I cannot believe that I am in this position. I LOVE my kids. And yet all I can think about the pregnancy is that I am terrified. Completely and totally scared. I can't think about it without shaking. I don't know what to do. and I keep hoping I'll wake up from a bad dream. The thought of a baby in our lives should be a wonderful surprise and yet it isn't. I am so scared.
Termination isn't for me. It just isn't an option for me. Call me too weak, call me too strong--whatever. I just couldn't do it. It's not the baby I don't want, it's the troubles surrounding it. I didn't exactly want another kid, but now that it's coming to me, I don't want to turn it away. I love my family.
I had an unassisted pregnancy and birth last time for a variety of reasons--mostly b/c we were away from the state at the time and I just didn't feel that any of the care providers there were knowledgable enough about HG nor the liver problems I have and since I am, it ended up being the best choice. But this time around, though I might want to have an UC (can't say yet!) I know I want prenatal care because of the HG--it was SO hard to manage alone last time. After 3 HG pregnancies I'm not as strong as I used to be and I know I need the extra care. I'm trying to find someone quickly who will take medical assistance or maybe magic beans or something in exchange for helping me monitor this pregnancy. I have zero interest in OB care, BTDT, it's not for me. In fact having an OB manage my pregnancy is what caused my so much problem in the first two b/c they have NO idea what to do about my HG. The baby and I both ended up very ill... long story story.
Mostly I guess what I came here for is to get some ideas, or thoughts, or suggestions, or some uplifting encouragement from someone who has been in my shoes. I just need someone to tell me it's going to be all right. Because it doesn't feel all right at all.
Thanks for letting me vent mamas.