How to feel like you matter as a stay at home mom?

[cpenderg]

Recovering from a rough holiday.  Feeling a little exhausted and bummed out.  Maybe I'm just throwing a pity party but I feel worthless right now.  Been a SAHM for going on 4 years now and new baby recently.  How do you keep your confidence up?  I feel like what I do doesn't matter!  I clean, cook and take care of kids all day and husband when he gets home.  I feel like I do mindless tasks and repeat myself 1000000 times a day.  Feed baby, rock baby, change baby repeat.  Blah, blah.  I love my kids and don't want a full time job, but I need more!   How do you keep your morale up?  Is it normal to feel this way?  I don't like feeling like I'm just going through the same motions everyday!

[zinemama]

I have a life for myself outside of my home and children. For me, it's writing, even if it has to be squeezed in around all those other things. I don't solely identify myself as a sahm. That's how I do it.

[twinpossible]

Been there! I'm a SAHM to twin 7 month olds. I do Stroller Strides in the morning which gives me some adult time but the girls are still with me. I also meet up regularly with mommas with kids the same age as mine to chat and normalize my life. My hubby and I make sure to get a child free date night in at least twice a month where I dress up and feel sexy again :) each momma is different but for me getting out of the home was most important for beating the baby blues! Find your activities and you will feels better. Hugs :)

[cappuccinosmom]

Well, dh and my kids actually help me a lot.

I often go through periods of self doubt and questioning my worth.  Dh hands his paystub over to me with great flourish, and talks me up to the boys a lot.  And they often talk about how glad they are that they are homeschooled by me--it got alot easier as they got older and started thinking about these things, and being able to express them.  It was definitely much harder when they were littler, and had soooooo many needs.  As they've gotten older I've also had time to develop my sewing skills and sewed a few things, and that helped a lot. (Though dh is a little miffed at me because he feels I'm under pricing and under-valuing my time, which is kind of a roundabout compliment, lol)

[BrascosPrincess]

i feel the same way, like nothing i do matters, it seems like when the husband gets up for work i do meaningless little stuff to, get his work clothes ready, get him a plate of dinner, get him a drink, and then turn around and reapeat myself cleaning everything after my kids go to sleep. And yes he is very capable of doing those things for himself, he just doesn't want to most days. :)

[jes h]

I left my job teaching - where, by the way, I had many of the same feelings of meaninglessness.  I worked my tail off trying to 'fix' my students with disabilities, cried myself to sleep many nights that I wasn't doing enough, and then sent them on to another teacher who didn't follow through with my work, so it was all pointless, anyway.

I read a book called 'Radical Homemakers' and it totally changed my perspective on being at home-I highly recommend it!  It helped me recognize that since my husband and I avoid much of the things our consumeristic society values (i.e., accumulating stuff, moving 'up', you know what I mean...) It was silly for us both to maintain jobs to pay for a lifestyle we didn't believe in, and it was stressing us out.  Though we are both teachers, our real passion is for youth ministry.  We are involved 'voluntarily' (quotes because we technically don't get paid...) in two ministries that often call us to work 10-15 hours each a week.  This was just not possible when we both worked, too.  When we decided to do foster care as well, something had to give. 

Before I read the book, my thoughts on gender equality meant that we both had to share tasks in the home (or else I was a pushover).  This meant we both worked to make money we, frankly, didn't need, and then both tried to manage the house - doubling up was killing us.   Now, I really strive to maintain my perspective that I as a homemaker I manage our house.  that means doing lots of menial tasks, like changing babies, or shuttling to school, or making PB/J sandwiches every day, but it also means planning our meals so we don't both rush home and make something crappy, planning our garden so we can produce our own food (and then storing that food), managing all our finances, managing utilities/groceries to make sure we can still afford to do this, monitoring the education of our kids w/ special needs, etc.  Now we have time to both be involved in what really makes us happy (our family, our ministry, our friends) because I am at home. That's a great feeling.

Sweeping the floor for the 5th time in one day (WHERE do all those crumbs come from??!?) DOES play a part in the bigger picture of the influence we are trying to have on the world as a family.

Hang in there! 

Seriously, it is a great book for this topic. http://www.radicalhomemakers.com

[mrsmischief]

IME you are perfectly normal and have absolutely no reason to fret. To value yourself in a culture that does not fully value your important contribution is a difficult lesson to learn and one I am forever seeking to master. 

I find great fulfillment and satisfaction in having cultivated a rich inner life during my time at home. From newborn nursing days spent reading a stack of more intellectual reading to what I was then use to to the creative challenges of living on a budget to the enjoyment and wonder of watching a little one experience the world for the first time, I've found myself nurturing a far richer inner and intellectual life than I had in my life before motherhood. For me the creativity and curiosity that has sprung forth from this well has provided immensely satisfying and sustains me when times are trying and I begin to feel useless. 

Much of my random pondering has caused me to focus time and time again on how to quantify the importance of the work I do, firstly to myself and then to a world at large that doesn't care much for work that doesn't add to the GDP. Coming to understand society doesn't affirm the worth of stay-at-home-parents and other caretakers has been immensely beneficial to me. One resource that helped greatly with this task was the book "Radical Homemakers" mentioned above and also "Real Love for Real Life" by Andi Ashworth. The latter is written from a Christian perspective but has a wealth of musings about the spiritual/ transcendent that are well-worth the read regardless of spiritual path. Both books affirmed in me the value of my work not only as a mother, but as a homemaker and care-taking personality in other aspects of my life as well.

I've also learned to "take joy" as I like to call it and truly relish the small victories and achievements in the "career path" that is stay-at-home-motherhood. Seeing my daughter learn to walk, finger paint, make art, and take an interest in the world were the riches of the early days and recently her triumph of reading her first "real book" and hearing her shrieks of delight "I CAN READ REAL BOOKS" was a reward worth more than anything to me. It's often been, and continues to be, a struggle to take full pleasure in this "paycheck" but the more I do, the more enriching my time as a stay-at-home parent is proving to be.

Being sure to tend to my own hobbies and interests has been important to me. I journal, maintain my spiritual practice and growth, garden, cook & bake, enjoy nature walks & study, and take just as seriously my continuing "mama education" as I do my daughter's homeschooling education. As my little one has grown she's begun to share some of my interests with me and has introduced me to some of her own--astronomy, chess bird watching, painting--as well, causing me to believe that holding onto myself and being "Daisy" and not just "Mommy" (or "Wife and Mommy") is ultimately enriching for the entire family as well. 

Best wishes to you! :)

[Ekatherina]

Originally Posted by jes h 

I left my job teaching - where, by the way, I had many of the same feelings of meaninglessness.  I worked my tail off trying to 'fix' my students with disabilities, cried myself to sleep many nights that I wasn't doing enough, and then sent them on to another teacher who didn't follow through with my work, so it was all pointless, anyway.

I read a book called 'Radical Homemakers' and it totally changed my perspective on being at home-I highly recommend it!  It helped me recognize that since my husband and I avoid much of the things our consumeristic society values (i.e., accumulating stuff, moving 'up', you know what I mean...) It was silly for us both to maintain jobs to pay for a lifestyle we didn't believe in, and it was stressing us out.  Though we are both teachers, our real passion is for youth ministry.  We are involved 'voluntarily' (quotes because we technically don't get paid...) in two ministries that often call us to work 10-15 hours each a week.  This was just not possible when we both worked, too.  When we decided to do foster care as well, something had to give. 

Before I read the book, my thoughts on gender equality meant that we both had to share tasks in the home (or else I was a pushover).  This meant we both worked to make money we, frankly, didn't need, and then both tried to manage the house - doubling up was killing us.   Now, I really strive to maintain my perspective that I as a homemaker I manage our house.  that means doing lots of menial tasks, like changing babies, or shuttling to school, or making PB/J sandwiches every day, but it also means planning our meals so we don't both rush home and make something crappy, planning our garden so we can produce our own food (and then storing that food), managing all our finances, managing utilities/groceries to make sure we can still afford to do this, monitoring the education of our kids w/ special needs, etc.  Now we have time to both be involved in what really makes us happy (our family, our ministry, our friends) because I am at home. That's a great feeling.

Sweeping the floor for the 5th time in one day (WHERE do all those crumbs come from??!?) DOES play a part in the bigger picture of the influence we are trying to have on the world as a family.

Hang in there! 

Seriously, it is a great book for this topic. http://www.radicalhomemakers.com

I just adore this post! so well said!