My 22 month old is hitting and pinching our nanny's child HELP

[northerngirl]

For a while now dd2 has been hitting and pinching our nanny's child (3 year old boy) when she is at my house caring for dd.  Today was especially bad when she scratched him and he needed a bandage because it was bleeding. She not only hits with her hands but with block and other toys. She does do this a few times a week to older dd when I am home. I usually tell her "No, and we do not hit, hitting hurts, ouch". Sometimes this works and other times it doesn't. Many times older dd will just sit there and let her hit her and then whine about it. I tell her to just get up and walk away and she will hopefully get the hint that if she hits you then you don't want to play with her. 
Older dd was not a hitter, so I am not sure if I am handeling this right. Nanny suggested a time out, but I don't think she will understand that at her age. It is really concerning for me because I do not want to loose this nanny, it seems to be working out so good for us. Her child told her today that he wanted to go home and he's never said that in the 10 weeks she's been caring for dd. 

Any help would be much appreciated!

[NEastMomma]

Hi there,

I too am hoping for some suggestions.  I feel for you - my 28 month old has been going through a similar thing since my new baby was born 9 weeks ago.  He's even started biting.  UGH!

Here is what I have done so far and I've seen some success.  I got this idea from DS's daycare - I teach part time and he goes 3days/week and was bitten a couple of times there.  This is what they did and what I am doing:  Notice what the triggers are to make child aggressive. For DS it is when he feels threatened that another child will take a toy from him or push him off the slide, etc.  So when we're in those types of situations, I shadow DS.  I stay right with him so that I can mitigate any threats and also so that he can "borrow" my calm confidence and skills, so to speak.  I try and anticipate the threats and proactively give solutions - "Oh look, here comes a little boy to play in the jump house with you.  When he gets here we will say to him, 'Come on in and play!'."  or, "If that little girl wants your ball then Mama will go get her another one." 

Finally, if he does hit/bite despite my best efforts, I remove him from the spot, get down on his level and validate his anger, but tell him in no uncertain terms that it is NOT ok to hit/bite.  I also decided that next time we go to a crowded park, I will give him a talk before hand and let him know that if he bites we will go home. 

Good luck and I will be watching this thread for some other suggestions!

PS:  The very wise mothers who work at DS's daycare told me that aggression via hitting and biting is a phase that some kids go through and that this too shall pass. 

[northerngirl]

Originally Posted by NEastMomma 

Hi there,

I too am hoping for some suggestions.  I feel for you - my 28 month old has been going through a similar thing since my new baby was born 9 weeks ago.  He's even started biting.  UGH!

Here is what I have done so far and I've seen some success.  I got this idea from DS's daycare - I teach part time and he goes 3days/week and was bitten a couple of times there.  This is what they did and what I am doing:  Notice what the triggers are to make child aggressive. For DS it is when he feels threatened that another child will take a toy from him or push him off the slide, etc.  So when we're in those types of situations, I shadow DS.  I stay right with him so that I can mitigate any threats and also so that he can "borrow" my calm confidence and skills, so to speak.  I try and anticipate the threats and proactively give solutions - "Oh look, here comes a little boy to play in the jump house with you.  When he gets here we will say to him, 'Come on in and play!'."  or, "If that little girl wants your ball then Mama will go get her another one." 

Finally, if he does hit/bite despite my best efforts, I remove him from the spot, get down on his level and validate his anger, but tell him in no uncertain terms that it is NOT ok to hit/bite.  I also decided that next time we go to a crowded park, I will give him a talk before hand and let him know that if he bites we will go home. 

Good luck and I will be watching this thread for some other suggestions!

PS:  The very wise mothers who work at DS's daycare told me that aggression via hitting and biting is a phase that some kids go through and that this too shall pass. 

Thanks for your reply. Today with the nanny dd2 bit dd1 2x on the arm when they were playing with the electric keyboard. The nanny said that the only times that she is doing the hitting, pinching, biting is when there is a toy that she wants or if a toy is taken from her. Today I guess older dd wanted to change the beat and dd2 didn't want her pushing the buttons. I guess that I should tell the nanny, like you said, to be right there ready to intervene. Luckily the nanny's boy wasn't with today as he has a bad cough, but he will be here tomorrow and hopefully things go a bit better. I did tell her that I am ok with her telling her "no" firmly, when she does hit, bite, or pinch. I really hope this phase doesn't last too long. Nice to know others are dealing with similar situations.

[NEastMomma]

Oh gosh, the fun never ends, huh?  I hope nanny is able to stay one step ahead of it.  Knowing the trigger is so helpful.  Good luck!