Originally Posted by
mamazee 
His behavior isn't unusal and your ds is going to come across kids like this. It is possible to keep your values intact while not restricting play with more mainstream kids. I guess that's true, its just hard b/c this is the first time its really come up, he is just now old enough to want to play without me around constantly, which is fine, I don't want to hover (I am not a helecopter parent by any means!) Ds is around adults and older kids most of the time, and the only kids closer to his age are kids that are crunchy people. Its been hard for him to socialize with kids his age b/c ds is super smart for a 4yr old, talks a ton and doesn't "get" why kids his age "don't talk so much" or "don't know things". He likes G b/c he is a little older (I think ds likes his older brother quite a bit too), and b/c they both like soccer, bikes, skateboards, playing in boxes, etc. It seems like they get along MUCH better and there is less of a parenting difference evident when they play outdoor games.
I am a little confused about the not allowing toy weapons but having a sling shot? I sometimes have found for myself that I think someone else shouldn't allow something and then when I look close at myself I allow something kind of similar, and I think that's happening here. Not a toy I approve of, Grandma brought it over (that day), and it disappeared shortly after. The only reason I allowed it is b/c ds didn't know it was supposed to be a weapon of any kind, it was designed for flinging those water balloon ball things and he had been using it to "paint" the fence with water by flinging them at the fence. We have very very few toys - some games, a few small lego sets, some blocks, some small plastic animals/trees, some toy cars, playsilks, balls, a wood marble run, stuffed animals and a couple puzzles, and some small dolls and we just got a playstand and I just made a playscape table. Thats it! We have outdoor toys too (bike, scooter, skateboard, surfboard), the pool outside, the garden, lots of books, homeschool stuff... so he is entertained without a lot of actual toys, He and I live with my parents and share a bedroom, and the other room we have is a sewing/homeschool room so not a lot of space for "stuff". G has a bedroom and a playroom both stuffed full of toys. Ds knows I don't approve of guns/swords, and thats why he chose to come home when G brought one out, he just says "mommy says guns are not toys". He was also taught by his science teacher that "all guns are loaded, even toy ones" so he is pretty set on that. Ds is very safety minded (I'm a carseat tech, require him to wear a helmet, etc) .
When my older dd was about that age, maybe just a tad older, this song "Don't Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me" song was big. My daughter heard it somewhere and started singing it and I said I didn't like to hear her sing grownup songs like that, and she understood my values and has seemed to (at just turning 10) have internalized them. I'd use the "sexy" talk as a teaching opportunity. You will come across this - it is inevitable - and IMO it's an issue of teaching your values rather than avoiding everyone who doesn't share them. Tried to explain this to ds, and he doesn't get it. "Well G says it". Yes, but in our house we do not! I've always tried to teach him different families have different rules, b/c that is true even with his other friends. For example, we do no tv/characters at all, but one of his good friends does. And its ok that he has them and we don't, BUT ds understands that I'm not going to buy him a Dora toy when we go to the store, and he doesn't ask for it. With the "sexy" thing, it seems to be harder to explain b/c its a word, not a thing, and I don't know that 4yrs old is an appropriate time to be discussing what "being sexy" means. He does know that there is a time and place to be naked, and with friends is not one of them.
The gender thing might just be G's age. There's a developmental stage where they really really notice gender and make a big deal of it. Again, I'd teach your values, but I wouldn't assume that G is learning that from anyone. I really bend over backward to not teach my kids these gender "rules", and my older one still was on a kick about how girls should have long hair and boy should have short hair at that age. She even called it "girl hair" and "boy hair." It's very developmentally common, your kids will probably hit the same stage, and I agree that it's important to teach the value you want to teach, but I think you should be careful judging the other parent. Just say something like, "There are no 'girl colors' or 'boy colors' or 'girl toys' or 'boy toys' in our house. We can play with whatever toys we want and like whatever colors we want." Teach your values, but don't read too much into it.
Thats what I did, I just told him that "purple can be anyone's favorite color, its Levi's favorite, what is your favorite color? See you have a blue bike b/c its your favorite, and Levi has a purple bike b/c its his favorite!". With G though, he brings up gender issues so often that I feel like I'd have to follow them around saying "no that can be for boys or girls" all the time, b/c he categorizes everything! Ds has never paid attention to what is for a boy vs a girl and I don't think he notices much that people think some things can only be used by boys or only by girls. The only thing thats specifically come up in the past where he was categorizing is clothing, but we have a book that has kids from all different countries, and shows men wearing skirts/dresses for example, and so we just told him that "in florida, most men like to wear shorts/pants instead of skirts/dresses", but in other places people wear different things. Ds chooses his own clothes and usually chooses something purple and crazy looking! So while other friends have said things are 'girl' or 'boy' before, they were also raised like ds, that boys can also play with "girl" things, or like different colors or whatever, and there isn't a problem with that, I think ds knows there are things that people think of as boy or girl, but he also doesn't care and will play with/like whatever he wants regardless of the "norms". G on the other hand was obviously taught that its NEVER ok for a boy to like purple or play with a doll, it just bugs me how he goes on and on and on about it. I
It sounds like he behaved in a way that sounded rude to your adult ears when he was at your house, but 5-year-olds are very literal and don't have the ability to self-censor. They say what they think. Don't take it personally and deal with it as it comes. "You don't have enough toys. I should go home." "That's fine. You can go home if you want to play with something we don't have. Goodbye." Don't feel like you have to talk him into staying or apologize for not having toys. He is probably just saying what he's thinking, not fishing for you to apologize or get him to stay. Take what he says at face value.
I just kicked them out of the house and told them to go ride bikes if they couldn't find anything they wanted to play inside. They did decide that the "operation" game was acceptable for both of them and played that for a while, but usually they need to be outside. They play for much longer at G's house, probably b/c he has so many things ds has never played with.
IMO one of the values of play between children is that children learn to navigate social issues like these. Play is a great opportunity for him to learn to get along with people who aren't like him. Preschool age is really when that starts, too. Very true, play is how kids this age learn to interact, and how they learn to do a lot of different things. To me, play is the best way for young kids to learn anything at all! I think I need to take all this as a teaching oppertunity and have some more talks with ds about all this so that he understands. In the meantime, I'll try and get them to play here or outside as much as possible, at least until ds "gets" why G does things differently and give him some ways to handle these things.
Where did you hear that? "G told me about it". 
