28 week preemie. Feeling alone.

[SAMarshall]

Hello! My son was born on Tuesday, December 27th at 28 weeks gestation. We named him Ryan Andrew. I'm going through all the typical emotions that I imagine every parent does when their child is in the NICU. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to, though. We have no family nearby and I have 2 other children that need me right now. 

I can't even stay very long when I visit my son because we live so far away from the hospital and, as I said, I have to take care of my other two children, who are only 1 1/2 and 3 1/2. 

I think I'm a bit depressed and feeling extra emotional. I'm frustrated with pumping because I'm worried about plugged ducts (which I went through with my first child.) I'm feeling guilty for not being able to spend more than 30 minutes with my son in the NICU each day. I'm annoyed with my husband for no reason. I'm frustrated with my toddlers for no reason... I don't know. This is hard. 

When people ask me how we're doing, I always stay positive and act like everything is fine. I don't want everyone around me thinking things are terrible and our son is doomed. I know he will be okay and will come home. I just think people expect me to be really upset and crying all the time. And maybe I should be. I'm just trying to keep life normal for my kids while taking them to the hospital every day.

We don't have anything set up yet as far as what we are doing with our other children once my husband goes back to work next week.  We've had to trade off visiting Ryan in the NICU while the other watches the kids in the waiting room. Sometimes I just want to avoid the hospital completely until he's ready to come home, and then just go pick him up! I wouldn't ever do that, of course, but it's getting so difficult and it's only been a few days! 

The only positive thing so far is that I was able to give birth to him vaginally and did not have a c-section as with my other two children. That has been a life-saver, I think. I left the hospital less than 24 hours after having him and have been able to function normally ever since. Now I'm just dealing with the engorged breasts as my milk comes in and some soreness from the few stitches I needed from the birth. I feel lucky with that, but frustrated with everything else! When will this be over?

[Mom31]

Oh mama.... I am sorry your family is growing thru this!!!    I have not been there and have no real advice. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers

[Adaline'sMama]

It sounds really rough. 3 under 4 sounds rough regardless, but with one in the NICU it seems like you are in some serious need of support. I suggest reposting your thread in tribes ( http://www.mothering.com/community/f/82/new-york-new-jersey-pennsylvania ) to see if there are any nearby mamas who might be willing to help out. I know if I lived close, Id be more than willing to take your kids for a few hours a week so you could go be with the newbie at the hospital. Also, you might contact some local churches to see about a mother's day out program? It seems like you need someone to watch them for a few hours a week at least. I'm sure that if people knew what you were going through they would be willing to help out.

How is he doing? How are the nurses at the hospital? Have you been able to hold him?

You arent annoyed with your husband for no reason. You arent annoyed with your toddlers for no reason. You've got a lot going on! Its perfectly normal for you to be upset and distressed and annoyed with everyone around you. You have a baby in the hospital and still have to maintain mommy responsibilities! Thats a lot on your plate. You said that you were feeling depressed. Is there a counselor or a chaplain at the hospital that you can talk to? I'm sorry you are going through this, but CONGRATS on your new baby boy!

[3under3Mom]

Hi! Wow I read your post and could have sworn I wrote it. On December 6th I had boy/girl twins. They were born at 28 weeks 2 days. I also have a 2 and half year old. We live an hour away from the hospital and are traveling back and forth everyday. Our 2 year old we've kept in daycare during the week so we can go to the hospital and she stays on her routine. My husband went back to work a few weeks ago so he comes with me 4 days a week and I make the drive alone 3 days a week. I hate that hour there and back by myself, to much time to think. I too often feel like I have to put on a happy face. It's easier than letting people know how I really feel. I get the whole feeling annoyed at your husband and other kids thing. I think I just want everyone home together and I feel like as the mom I should be able to make that happen but I can't. Feel free to email me if you want to chat. When I was on bed rest I had an email friend who was going through the same thing and it really helped. My email is [e-mail]

[MarineWife]

to you. I have not been there so I don't have any real advice. I do think it might be helpful to tell people the truth about how you feel. I think it's sad that we often like we need to hide how we are really doing and put on a happy face all the time. Maybe don't tell everyone who asks but a few select people that you are closest to or feel are most caring. You might be surprised by people's generosity once they know what you are really going through.

By the way, my oldest son's name is Ryan Andrew. It's a good name.

[twinpossible]

Oh momma, that's hard! My twin girls were born at 29 weeks and stayed in the NICU for 11 weeks. They are my only children so I was fortunate in that I could pull 12-15 hour  shifts at the hospital everyday. I don't know your area but we decided to have the girls at a NICU close to my sister's house (7 hours away from our home) so I could stay with her during that time and it would be a short distance to the hospital. The good part about that was being so close, if we stayed up here the girls would have been 2 1/2 hours away. The bad part about that was being away from my husband who had to go back to work. Can you transfer your son closer to home or a family member? It might be easier to stay with family during this time so you can leave your other children with them and go be with your son. The only thing that helped me was to be there as much as possible. Give yourself some room for grief, there IS a reason you are mad at your hubby and kids. You are emotionally spent! Maybe getting some full time help with your other babies will give you some time to spend with Ryan and some time for you to recover. Keep us posted!

[SAMarshall]

Thanks for the replies.

Ryan is continuing to do well and they started giving him breast milk yesterday. We found out that my mother-in-law will be able to come out on Saturday and stay for one week, so at least we have that. I have a few women from my church who are willing to watch my kids for me when I need them. We've decided to have the kids watched Tuesday and Thursday mornings, and then we'll visit the NICU all together on Saturday and Sundays. That will at least give me every other day with Ryan at the NICU. 

I went in today by myself while my husband watched the kids at home. They said I could hold him skin-to-skin tomorrow, so we'll plan on that. I got to change his diaper and take his temperature. I felt like I might break him! I can't believe how skinny and small he is. My two kids were 8lbs, then 9lbs 2oz at birth. 

I'm feeling a little better now that we have a basic plan. When my mother-in-law gets here, I will feel a lot better about leaving my kids during the day. They will be home with someone they are familiar with, at least. 

There was another baby brought in today that will need heart surgery. Her parents were so worried. I feel lucky that at least my son will not need any surgeries or drastic measures. 

Well, thanks for letting me get my thoughts out. I'm feeling better today. I know there are so many other families that have been in similar situations. We'll be okay.

[Mom31]

Glad to see this update!!!  I am glad you are getting some support! Also glad to hear you get to be close to ryan some and some more tomorrow. In my thoughts and prayers.