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problem resolved

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 

problem resolved how do i delete this off here


Edited by BrascosPrincess - 4/3/12 at 3:06pm
post #2 of 12

Oh honey, what a mess. Um, quick question, why does he live with you? It seems to me the clearest boundary needs to be him getting out of your living environment. It sounds incredibly toxic, and dangerous for you and your children.

 

My mother has a personality disorder, so I understand it's possible to feel bad for the parent and want to help them, but you need to take care of yourself and your kids first.

 

 

good luck

hugs

post #3 of 12
Thread Starter 

no he doesnt live with me but he's only ten minutes away from me.

post #4 of 12

I would say if he doesn't live with you then he doesn't need to be coming over. Plain and simple, he is a toxic person who clearly has no respect for you or your children, just lay down the law.

post #5 of 12

I agree completely!

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by hippiemombian View Post

I would say if he doesn't live with you then he doesn't need to be coming over. Plain and simple, he is a toxic person who clearly has no respect for you or your children, just lay down the law.



 

post #6 of 12

Just a couple of questions, and I hope I don't come off sounding snarky, because even before I type, I can see how it might....

 

Do you want your dad in your life? In  your kids' lives? That's the biggest question you have to ask yourself.  Is he really damaging or abusing them, or is he just not the greatest observer? If he's just a bad observer, I'd have a candid chat with him, then ensure I don't leave the little ones with him in future. To be completely honest, if someone abused me, I would NEVER leave my children alone with them. EVER.

 

Did your dad know the food was old? If there was food on a plate on a stove, even if it was on a back burner, I would assume that it hadn't been there for very long and likely wouldn't hesitate to eat it or give it to someone else.

Did your dad know that the glass was on the floor?  Again, I would never assume that when I open a bedroom door, there'd be glass in the carpet.

 

I think that sometimes we feel that we are the only ones who can be truly vigilant when it comes to our kids' safety.

 

As far as the rest of it - hair brushing, drinks criticism, I really think that's normal grandparent behaviour. My mom shoots me pouty looks when I reprimand my kids, but I have just learned to shrug it off. Sometimes if I find it especially grating, I mention it.I would gently address it and move on.

 

Is your father still drinking? If he's not, I don't see how it's relevant.  Is he experiencing bipolar episodes in your presence? Simply being diagnosed as bipolar doesn't mean you're incapable of handling criticism.

post #7 of 12
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alphaghetti View Post

Just a couple of questions, and I hope I don't come off sounding snarky, because even before I type, I can see how it might....

 

Do you want your dad in your life?

I would like to have him in my life, yes he is the only parent I have left. My mother has been out of my life for a very long time.

 

In  your kids' lives?

Would like him to be in thier lives yes I think they deserve the chance to get to know one of the only grandparents they have left

 

That's the biggest question you have to ask yourself.  Is he really damaging or abusing them, or is he just not the greatest observer? If he's just a bad observer, I'd have a candid chat with him, then ensure I don't leave the little ones with him in future. To be completely honest, if someone abused me, I would NEVER leave my children alone with them. EVER.

thats why i didnt want to leave them alone with him to begin with but i didnt have a choice, i didnt have enough room  in the car to take all three of my children with me, and my one year old was really sick i had to take her to the dr and i didnt have anyone else to watch my other 2.

 

Did your dad know the food was old? If there was food on a plate on a stove, even if it was on a back burner, I would assume that it hadn't been there for very long and likely wouldn't hesitate to eat it or give it to someone else.

yeah i told him it was old

 

Did your dad know that the glass was on the floor?  Again, I would never assume that when I open a bedroom door, there'd be glass in the carpet.

yeah i told him that it was there, my husband works overnight so there is only certain times of the day i can vacuum, and when he gets up at 8 at night i cant do it because I live in an apartment complex, and by the time he gets home from work around 8 am, i have kids waking up, diaper changes, breakfast, cleaning up kids from breakfast, drinks, diapers, and by the time i get the chance to drag my heavy vacuum up the steps he is already in bed, and i cant run the vacuum right across the hallway from him when he is sleeping for work and he also knows that the bedroom that it was in we dont use at the moment.

 

I think that sometimes we feel that we are the only ones who can be truly vigilant when it comes to our kids' safety.

 

 

As far as the rest of it - hair brushing, drinks criticism, I really think that's normal grandparent behaviour. My mom shoots me pouty looks when I reprimand my kids, but I have just learned to shrug it off. Sometimes if I find it especially grating, I mention it.I would gently address it and move on.

 

Is your father still drinking? If he's not, I don't see how it's relevant.  Is he experiencing bipolar episodes in your presence? Simply being diagnosed as bipolar doesn't mean you're incapable of handling criticism

not that i know of he isn't but he is not around me or at my home that often for me to really know for sure yes, yes he has expierienced bipolar episodes here in front of me, thats what im worried about with talking to him is because if he feels that im critizing him too much i dont know what he will do



 

post #8 of 12

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, parent issues are so hard when there is mental health involved. I found the book "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner to be really helpful in dealing with my mom, who is a very toxic person. It gives suggestions on making firmer boundaries. If he isn't capable of safely caring for your daughter, just draw the line. Don't ask him to care for her, or your other kids, any more. Your kids are your first priority, not making sure he doesn't feel bad about something.

 

Criticizing food choices sounds like unpleasant grandparent behavior, but picking up your child and "rescuing" her from you is not ok. If you decide that you want him to continue to be around your family, it could help to tell him flat out that undermining you as a parent in front of the kids is not acceptable...then follow it with a consequence. "If you criticize me in front of the kids, we will leave. If you say something hurtful to one of the kids, we will leave." etc. It can also be helpful to see him outside your house so that if there is a problem, you can leave, not have to tell him to leave, which would certainly cause a scene.

 

Decide what your absolute boundary is. I haven't talked to my mom in 6 months, she missed my daughter's 1st birthday party and it killed me, but she crossed a line. Some people will just keep pushing if you let them. Family is important, but your mental health and your kids growing up healthy and happy is more important than genetics.

 

I would also suggest finding some additional support people. It sounds like you are doing things you arent comfortable with, like leaving your kids with him, because you are desperate. Find a mom you can swap child care with, or a teenager you can pay cheaply. I'm at a point where I have a few friends that I would call in an emergency long before my crazy ass family, and I am a much healthier person because these women are in my life.

post #9 of 12
Thread Starter 

my mom has been out of my life for over a year she crossed a major boundary, she and my dad are divorced, she has since remarried but the guy she married is a registered sex offender on ML, for indecent assault on a minor, she tried to bring him to my house, around my kids, needless to say i got my husband up and out of bed pretty damn quick to deal with the situation and she has not talked to me or even tried to contact me since

post #10 of 12

As a mom with several kids- I get taking them all out of the house- but you need to find a car that fits you all- I know that sucks.  But that seems to be what set this all off to begin with.  I mean there will be other times when you will have to take them all out of the house with you in the car right?  Otherwise- it is hard to come to terms with but not all grandparents are good to watch your kids- I have that in my life too.  It is ok- just something to learn to deal with.

post #11 of 12

I would be really looking hard for a car that fit your whole family. Eventually everyone is going to have to go out at one time. What happens if you need to take one of the children to the ER and no one else is around to watch the others? For safety, if not anything else, you need to find something that fits everyone.

 

As for your father, I think maybe its time for no unsupervised visits. Some grandparents are just not good at watching children.

post #12 of 12
Thread Starter 

the problem with a car that fits everyone is that the last car i had died on me so i didnt have my "new" one yet, so i had to rely on other people taking me places. i have it now but i didnt yet because i didnt have the 4 thousand dollars to go buy it and do the plates registration and all that crap with, but since i posted this i do have one that fits everyone so its okay my father right now is not allowed at my house, my husband and i both agreed, because his living arrangement right now is surrounded by a bunch of alcoholics so thats definately not good

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