I feel like a horrible mama

[greenmom2girls]

So my 3 year old DD has been doing pretty well behavior wise for a while now, after a really rough period from about 2 1/2 to 3 (horrible tantrums, biting, hitting, etc.) The last 2 weeks have been really bad, though. Not sure what's going on.

I do not believe in spanking or yelling at kids, but I lost it tonight. I screamed, and I mean screamed at her. The whole day she's been whining and hitting and she wouldn't eat all day because she didn't like what we had. So come bathtime, she threw a fit and that's when I lost it. She was sobbing, shaking, and saying "mama, be quiet!" and I kept yelling at her. I then put her in her room so I could cool down but now I feel just awful. It's no excuse, but I am 38 weeks preg. with DD#2 and I am just exhausted and emotional already and this is so hard to deal with. I feel like a horrible person, and I wonder if I did some permanent damage to her. I so badly want to fix it. I apologized to her but I still feel like she's scared of me. Why, oh why couldn't I just have taken a breath and given myself a time-out? I guess I am just looking for suggestions, and ways to deal with this guilt that is eating me up. I understand if some of you say I am a bad mama. :(

[Mama2ChicknLil]

nak

You are NOT a bad mama. You are human, and you are doing a wonderful job. Also, you are teaching her how to adjust behavior and accept responsibility.

I teach the concept of Rupture and Repair to the parents I work with, here's a quick bit from an article that discusses it...

For us imperfect parents, there is good news, something that parenting and brain development expert Daniel Siegel, MD calls "rupture and repair." According to Siegel, ruptures are a break in the nurturing connection with a child and are inevitable. Some ruptures are more toxic than others (i.e. usually when a parent is in a state of emotional overreaction). If ruptures are not properly dealt with, this can lead to deepening problems in the parent-child relationship, and ultimately with the child’s developing sense of self. While its obviously best to try to minimize toxic ruptures, ruptures can be repaired, and not all is lost.

Repair, first and foremost, involves parental insight and awareness that then leads to a type of healing reconnection. For instance, for me it means noticing when I’m being emotionally reactive, stopping in my tracks and analyzing the situation.

Next, I tune in to the experiences and feelings of my daughter. From here it’s essential to find a way to communicate with the child so that he/she feels understood and regarded by you, the parent. This allows an opening for the noxious effects of the incident—shame, humiliation and any number of seething emotions—to dissipate.

We can’t go through life being perfect parents. But we owe it to our kids and ourselves to be aware of our imperfections, limitations, and the effect on our kids, even if it involves choking down more humble pie than you can ever imagine.

You are fabulous, keep up the good work!

And keep this post, I'm going to need to hear all of this myself in about 2 1/2 years...

[blackbird2]

Well, I have a 3 yr old and a 3 month old, and let me say that I have had lots of opportunities to model good apologies to my older DC in the last few months.  You're not going to be at your best - accept that and start working on management techniques.  Somewhere I read to keep a list of 3 things to make you feel good/calm down in you pocket, with at least one being something you can do just in your head.  It does take a lot of work to manage the stresses of parenting a 3 yr old and a baby.  Also remember that you don't have to be a perfect parent, just be honest with your child about your mistakes and show them how to work on being a better person  :)

[nikkiethridge]

Oh please! DO NOT beat yourself up. We've all been pushed to that limit by the time our kids hit 4 (atleast I'd hope lol). I promise you that from this experience, next time you will KNOW when it's time to step back and give yourself a moment. 

[dogretro]

Three-year-olds are the scourge of the Earth.  Love love love mine to bits, but holy Moses, can she drive me over the edge in seconds.  The fact that this is the first time ever that you have flipped out on your daughter amazes me.  It has taken every resource I possess to be able to figure out how to maintain my cool and disengage, and even then, I am still not as awesome as I aspire to be.  Many of my friends also have three-year-olds and all I can tell you is that three is a rough year.  It's not you, it's her, REALLY.  

You will get through this year.  It will get worse & you will get better.

[colleentara]

I feel like this so often. It is a daily battle for me to not lose my $&@)! I have an active 12 month boy and a 3.5 yr old boy. He goes through weekly cycles (3.5 yr old) ...some are so bad that I often feel like I am totally unfit for parenting. I try to remain emotionally detached in my reactions....sometimes it is so hard. If I do blow up, I go right back in and apologize and hold him. While I aim for remaining calm at all times, I can't seem to pull it off. I try not to beat myself up too much. I do think the 'repair' is important and see how it helps us both immediately. Hang in there! You sound like a wonderful mama!