My regular screenname is *highly* googleable and connected to my IRL name, so, until all of our family members have been informed, I'm going to try to stay under the radar.
LONG story short: DH and I got pregnant with DD1 (2 yrs) after knowing each other for 2 weeks. We moved in together and were legally married before DD was born. We like her so much, and both believe in the awesomeness of siblings, so we tried for #2. DD2 is now 3.5 months old.
DH and I are best friends, but not so much in love. I have mild-moderate (depending on what your understanding of "functioning" is) Asperger's syndrome, and really cannot connect or be emotionally intimate. I mean, I had to Google "emotional intimacy," and I still don't know what it means. Shortly after DD2 was born, I suggested that he start seeing other people, as I really believe that physical and emotional intimacy are the building blocks of happiness, and without them, DH would grow to resent me. He had a little online affair last winter, which I got over quickly bc I am a robot, but I've always been concerned that my issues will push him away, and cause tremendous stress on the both of us.
Anyhow, so I talked him into dating. He met a *wonderful* woman whom I really like (and she likes me, too!) and they've been dating for about 2 months. He's in love with her, she loves him, and I'm happy for the both of them, and especially happy that my limited emotional reserves are now going straight to the girls. I'm a much more connected mother now, as I don't have the pressure of meeting 3 people's emotional needs, just 2, and I can handle just 2.
Now to the meat:
We've decided that it would be fiscally stupid to get divorced right now, so have decided to take the next year to kind of just get used to being caring, respectful coparents and friends, under the same roof (he's here maybe 1-2 nights a week overnight, and the rest of the time he's with his girlfriend- I *love* my downtime, man. It's so awesome.) We have only had sex twice since DD2 was born, and not at all since he started seeing his GF. I'm moving into DD2's (unused- we cosleep) room as I'm now used to sleeping alone, and I think we need to set some boundaries so it's all "real" to him.
We care about each other very much, but it's silly to carry ourselves as being married, especially when people look at him, a "married" man with two young kids *and* a girlfriend, as either being a total dirtbag or a total stud, and they either think I'm incredibly awesome or to be pitied. I think it's much more honest to carry ourselves as being friends and coparents, but not husband and wife. I also want to ensure that our girls get to see their dad in a healthy romantic relationship, *and* get to see us always being friends and respectful- something I doubt would happen if we tried to force our "marriage."
OKAY SERIOUSLY, NOW FOR THE MEAT:
We're putting together a "postnuptual" agreement, with things like custody, support, etc, as I think it's important to keep the worst-case scenario in mind. If for some reason it all goes to shit, I want to be protected fiscally.
1) What sorts of things should I put in there, other than "we share the kids, he keeps paying for the house (in his name only, but not a huge big deal- I cannot get on the mortgage due to horrendous credit), etc etc"?
2) Is there any possible legal issue that could arise from being legally married but not "acting" married? Like, if his GF, who has a 9-yr-old DD whom she awesomely coparents with her DD's dad (they were never married), has no intentions of getting married again or having more kids, but if they continue to have a great relationship, I'd like for her to be my girls' stepmom. I was thinking if it came up, like, "hey, uh, aren't you guys married to each other?" we'd just be all "we're contemplating a divorce."
3) Is there a reason you can think of that we'd want to meet with a lawyer to discuss anything?
4) Will this screw up my kids? DH, his GF, and I have all talked a bit about buying a 5 bedroom house together in the next few years, ideally a place with a mother-in-law apartment for me. It's extremely important to all of us that DH is a constant presence in the girls' lives. Even though he has a lot of overnights with his GF, he's here every night to put DD1 to bed, and comes here every morning to pick up and make me coffee (he's really a wonderful man, which is why I'm so *happy* for him that he's found someone who can love him back the way he deserves.)
Thanks so much for reading through this tome, and I appreciate any thoughts you may have. Please feel free to ask me anything if I wasn't clear.