Some weird married-yet-separated-but-cohabitating questions

[SecretGuest]

Hi, all!

My regular screenname is *highly* googleable and connected to my IRL name, so, until all of our family members have been informed, I'm going to try to stay under the radar.

LONG story short: DH and I got pregnant with DD1 (2 yrs) after knowing each other for 2 weeks. We moved in together and were legally married before DD was born. We like her so much, and both believe in the awesomeness of siblings, so we tried for #2. DD2 is now 3.5 months old.

DH and I are best friends, but not so much in love. I have mild-moderate (depending on what your understanding of "functioning" is) Asperger's syndrome, and really cannot connect or be emotionally intimate. I mean, I had to Google "emotional intimacy," and I still don't know what it means. Shortly after DD2 was born, I suggested that he start seeing other people, as I really believe that physical and emotional intimacy are the building blocks of happiness, and without them, DH would grow to resent me. He had a little online affair last winter, which I got over quickly bc I am a robot, but I've always been concerned that my issues will push him away, and cause tremendous stress on the both of us.

Anyhow, so I talked him into dating. He met a *wonderful* woman whom I really like (and she likes me, too!) and they've been dating for about 2 months. He's in love with her, she loves him, and I'm happy for the both of them, and especially happy that my limited emotional reserves are now going straight to the girls. I'm a much more connected mother now, as I don't have the pressure of meeting 3 people's emotional needs, just 2, and I can handle just 2.

Now to the meat:

We've decided that it would be fiscally stupid to get divorced right now, so have decided to take the next year to kind of just get used to being caring, respectful coparents and friends, under the same roof (he's here maybe 1-2 nights a week overnight, and the rest of the time he's with his girlfriend- I *love* my downtime, man. It's so awesome.) We have only had sex twice since DD2 was born, and not at all since he started seeing his GF. I'm moving into DD2's (unused- we cosleep) room as I'm now used to sleeping alone, and I think we need to set some boundaries so it's all "real" to him.

We care about each other very much, but it's silly to carry ourselves as being married, especially when people look at him, a "married" man with two young kids *and* a girlfriend, as either being a total dirtbag or a total stud, and they either think I'm incredibly awesome or to be pitied. I think it's much more honest to carry ourselves as being friends and coparents, but not husband and wife. I also want to ensure that our girls get to see their dad in a healthy romantic relationship, *and* get to see us always being friends and respectful- something I doubt would happen if we tried to force our "marriage."

OKAY SERIOUSLY, NOW FOR THE MEAT:

We're putting together a "postnuptual" agreement, with things like custody, support, etc, as I think it's important to keep the worst-case scenario in mind. If for some reason it all goes to shit, I want to be protected fiscally. 

1) What sorts of things should I put in there, other than "we share the kids, he keeps paying for the house (in his name only, but not a huge big deal- I cannot get on the mortgage due to horrendous credit), etc etc"?

2) Is there any possible legal issue that could arise from being legally married but not "acting" married? Like, if his GF, who has a 9-yr-old DD whom she awesomely coparents with her DD's dad (they were never married), has no intentions of getting married again or having more kids, but if they continue to have a great relationship, I'd like for her to be my girls' stepmom. I was thinking if it came up, like, "hey, uh, aren't you guys married to each other?" we'd just be all "we're contemplating a divorce."

3) Is there a reason you can think of that we'd want to meet with a lawyer to discuss anything?

4) Will this screw up my kids? DH, his GF, and I have all talked a bit about buying a 5 bedroom house together in the next few years, ideally a place with a mother-in-law apartment for me. It's extremely important to all of us that DH is a constant presence in the girls' lives. Even though he has a lot of overnights with his GF, he's here every night to put DD1 to bed, and comes here every morning to pick up and make me coffee (he's really a wonderful man, which is why I'm so *happy* for him that he's found someone who can love him back the way he deserves.)

Thanks so much for reading through this tome, and I appreciate any thoughts you may have. Please feel free to ask me anything if I wasn't clear.

[Mom31]

I don't have an answer but did not want to read without posting. I think you can make this work but I would get legal documents in place to secure the house.

[rubyjune]

I think that you might find some better help looking into Poly Families. There are folks out there expanding what families are. I have a dear friend who is in a 5 person marriage, and no they aren't kinky, and yes, it has worked for years. I think they formed an LLC and the company holds the deed to the house and all the cars.

I wish you luck with this...and I think it may even be workable as it stands as long as everyone is open and trustworthy.

[hillymum]

Do a google search and read up on polyamory. I have several friends who are married and openly have a girl/boyfriend. Honesty and great communication are key to a three way relationship, and setting boundries. it is possible and can be very healthy for all concerned. I do not see why it can not work when one of the three is not involved sexually/romantically, but is involved emotionally as you kind of  are.

[SecretGuest]

Thanks for your replies!

I'm pretty familiar with poly stuff, actually. I got DH into Dan Savage and The Ethical Slut, and this "whole thing" was my idea.

We didn't really expect it to go from me + (him + gf) to just him + gf, but I had always had that in the back of my head as a real possibility. While I do care about him, in my way, we're not "together," emotionally, physically- but we are good buddies.

If we all end up in the same house at some point, I'll absolutely be checking out some poly stuff, just for ideas on how to make a truly blended family work. But, for now, I think it's really important for he and I to get used to being together in the same house as *just* buddies and parents. It's going well so far- he dropped the L word to his gf last week, and since then we haven't been saying it to each other. When he's here, we do sleep in the same bed, as I don't have the 2nd bedroom set up yet. That's my goal for this week- to get DD2's room set up for me.

I also think establishing boundaries while the girls are so young and oblivious is really important. I don't want them to grow up thinking of my relationship with their dad as being what marriage is like. Like, it's not going to be a triad- daddy's relationships are *daddy's* relationships. I *am* going to put in our contract that if one of us does want to legally divorce that that person will be responsible for the costs and the legwork- obviously if DH wants to remarry, I'm happy to go through everything at that point, and then have formal custody and support agreements.

Thanks again, everyone!

[hippiemombian]

I think it is possible. Currently Me, DP and my ex-h all share an apartment with mine and ex-h's 2 girls. We all co-parent together, we get along, were good friends etc. We are NOT in a poly relationship though. The first year of mine and DP's relationship I was legally married, but that relationship was over. We didn't have the money at the time to file for divorce and all that so we just stayed legally "married." Living together just make sense at this point. It's cheaper, eaiser and works for all parties involved. Will it last forever? Idk, but for right now it's working.

[ErinYay]

Originally Posted by hippiemombian 

I think it is possible. Currently Me, DP and my ex-h all share an apartment with mine and ex-h's 2 girls. We all co-parent together, we get along, were good friends etc. We are NOT in a poly relationship though. The first year of mine and DP's relationship I was legally married, but that relationship was over. We didn't have the money at the time to file for divorce and all that so we just stayed legally "married." Living together just make sense at this point. It's cheaper, eaiser and works for all parties involved. Will it last forever? Idk, but for right now it's working.

Can I ask how long this has been going on?

I'm calling our bar association's free consult line tonight- if they think I need to speak with a lawyer now, then I'll be going in for a consult. 

Thanks!

[ErinYay]

Aw, crap. So much for anonymity!

Such is life!

[captain optimism]

You can just delete the accidental posts, and eventually Google will drop them--this discussion might be better in the Parents as Partners section, since that's got a membership wall?

[ErinYay]

It's not a huge big deal, really- everyone but his mom is aware. We're just waiting til then until it's "internet public," you know?

Thanks, though!

[hippiemombian]

We have lived together like this for the entire time we have all been in the same city. There was a period of time in the beginning of mine and Dps relationship and the end of mine and ex's that we didn't get along/live together. I was living 2 hours away and he was here with our girls. In March of 2010 we all moved in together and lived together until Aug of 2010, when DP and I moved to another state. We moved back a few months after that and Jan of 2011 we all moved back in together and that's how we currently live. I honestly couldn't imagine living any other way at this point. In the beginning it was a little awkward. Mainly for the two of them, not so much me. I knew how both of the lived and they had to get to know each other on that level. But since then it's gotten so much eaiser. We share the household chores, we don't have a need to hire a babysitter or have to not be around the girls. They get to see their parents everyday. Dp has been a great role model and step-parent. It not unusual for us to all have dinner together and what not. Idk, it just really works for us right now. Will it be that way in a few years? Who knows, but were taking it step by step and we all just signed another year lease for our apartment so we have atleast another year. If you have any questions feel free to ask. I don't mind talking about it.

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by SecretGuest 

1) What sorts of things should I put in there, other than "we share the kids, he keeps paying for the house (in his name only, but not a huge big deal- I cannot get on the mortgage due to horrendous credit), etc etc"?

Personally, I would get myself added to the Deed.  You can be on the title and not be on the Mortgage--- that way it is legally your home, too.  He sounds great, but you never know what could happen and that would protect you more.

[ErinYay]

Originally Posted by TiredX2 

Personally, I would get myself added to the Deed.  You can be on the title and not be on the Mortgage--- that way it is legally your home, too.  He sounds great, but you never know what could happen and that would protect you more.

Unfortunately, our lender won't allow that, and we're not in a community property state. We could do a quit-claim, but there's really not much benefit in it- if he develops a brain tumor and kicks us out, we're still legally entitled to live here until he goes through the courts to evict us, and good luck with that.

Pretty much it looks like I have the same protections, or lack thereof, that every other married woman does- if your DH turns into a shitball, you speedy quick file for divorce and get a support order.

Fortunately, (I guess?) what he'd be paying in CS alone based on his current income, which is ever-increasing, would be more than the current mortgage and all utilities. Add in spousal support (which I'd get for 3 years from the date of the decree, as I quit my job to be a SAHM, and have a 3-mo-old), and you're looking at more than enough to keep us in groceries, diapers, and housing. So it wouldn't benefit him at all to just cut and run, as he'd be out more money than the kids and I use currently.

*I* actually would "benefit" from formal support orders, but it's not worth the time, money, and energy at this point. It's kind of nice to have as a reserve, though.

[ErinYay]

Also great and totally surprising news- it's not working. 

Shocker, right?

It's a real eye-opener to see what kind of man you actually married, I guess. Give an inch, etc etc.

Such is life.

[Mom31]

Oh no!!! I am so sorry. Whats going on?  Good plan right good intentions- well at least you know cs will be enough to live comfortably.

[Alenushka]

I think you should google Polyamory and Poly families.

It could be a perfect lifestyle for all of you.  And if you like sex, and your DH likes sex with you,  and his GF is fine with it, you can also work out a sex agreement.

[ErinYay]

I don't like sex. Blech. Well, I do a little, but *not* when nursing and on Zoloft. I actually like that my libido is totally squashed- it'll keep me from getting into trouble, frankly. I need to focus all my attention on the kids and stuff. I also have some issues with his gf right now, as her 9-yr-old has expressed a lot of unhappiness about her relationship with STBX, and they're not addressing it at all. That makes me question their general character and decision-making abilities- kids come first. Period.

It's not *awful*, but it's not even close to being a respectful, caring situation. We've agreed that we need to file formal divorce papers sooner rather than later, while we still see eye-to-eye. Living arrangements aren't going to change right now, but it's not going to be this rainbow-filled hippie-dippie commune, that's for sure.

I see my therapist on Thursday and will be setting up some couples' sessions so we can learn to communicate effectively (after 3 years of knowing how I communicate, ie. seeing things in black and white, talking and taking things literally, he's started giving me shit for it, and other stuff) and to develop a new relationship with each other.

He's *not* a bad guy, but he's in denial about the whole thing- he only just yesterday told his mother about everything, and isn't (IMO) taking responsibility for the things he wants to do. I think we can work it out so we don't loathe each other, but I was clearly misguided in thinking it would all just work out and that nothing would really change.

[kindofcrunchy82]

okay a couple things that stick out to me, firstly, your stbxh and GF haven't been dating very long, and using the word love does not guarantee their relationship will last. I agree with you, the kids should come first. While looking into divorcing, both my H and I have expressed the desire to not introduce new people early on to the kids, it is not good for them to have people come in and out of their lives like that imo. Most divorce decrees have morality clauses, in the sense that new romantic partners should not be introduced to the kids for a certain amount of time.

Secondly, you are lactating and on zoloft now, but what about a year from now? Or two? if you keep up the same arrangement, or even move all in together, will jealousy and sexual desire return for you? I honestly couldn't do it now, and I am on zoloft and breastfeeding, lol. While my anger and jealous over H having an affair has lessened, those feelings are still there, and I am sure that once your hormones are back to normal you may not like the arrangement if you decide to live together, be sure that you do some type of trial period if you take that whole living together thing road. It could get ugly, and that would not be good for the kids either.

good luck in your decisions!

[maybebaby]

I agree this is a difficult way to do things. My marriage has been over for over a year but we still live in the same house... with any luck that will be changing this month when I get my own place. We manage to get along, we don't hate each other at all, but when you live together and don't view each other through those "love you" glasses, you see their flaws much more clearly and sometimes that can be an issue. I don't mind him dating and he makes time for me to go out as well, but there are times it gets annoying if he's going out a lot and I'm not getting equal time or whatever. I'm not crazy about this set up and I think it's been harder on the kids than I would have liked. Our situation was financial more than anything though, we never had views of being poly or having a situation where we all lived together, etc..

[Thystle]

Update?