Queer, Pregnant and Parenting January, February and March 2012 - Page 2

[darthtunaqueen]

Originally Posted by KSDoulaMama 

so I'm hoping that DW's aunt is successful in getting him to at least give us some courtesy, even if he doesn't actually want to. She told me privately that if he fails to at least treat us in a friendly manner that she has no qualms about telling him he's unwelcome at family gatherings that we attend. 

I don't know if you listen to Dan Savage's podcast, but he's pointed out on SEVERAL occasions that the acceptance of our families has become much more common place, and that it's the people who still discriminate against us who will be ejected from family gatherings, not us queers and our spouses and offspring.  It's not drama-causing, he's doing a lot of this all by himself. Replace sexuality with skin colour, religion, country of origin and work it through your head.  Would he reject you and your daughter if she were mixed race, or if you were a different religion than him?  If the answer is no, you guys have some serious pondering to do.  If you talk to DW's family and they all make you welcome and won't put up with his shit, then EVERYONE needs to put their foot down and tell him to change his attitude or he's not welcome.  

The podcast I listened to the other day actually underlined this multiple times.  The time for us to feel apologetic for being who we are (the "oh, well I've come out and that's enough drama in the family and I'm just going to let people walk all over me because I feel guilty for putting my family through my coming out") is over.  You and DW have *nothing* to be sorry for, you have a wonderful daughter and are raising her to be a respectable citizen of this planet.  Queer parents as a whole are better parents than non-queer parents, simply because we have to put so much energy into our family-rearing.  Chin up!  You have ever right to be at Christmas dinner and to be treated with respect (the whole "oh, just ignore him, he's old" excuse is bullshit and you need to squash that.  It's another excuse for hateful, bigoted behaviour.)

Your family is awesome sauce, just like the rest of your kinspeople.  The flip side is that if DD starts to realize how terrible it feels to be left out, she may reconsider doing hurtful things to others down the line.  

Cheers!!

Annd uhh... sorry for the rant, but this kind of situation bugs the snot out of me (although I'm sure it bugs you more!!).

[smilingsara]

KS-sorry you got over looked! you have been added to the list!! 

Day 2 of baby shay and mama time is winding to a close. He is asleep in bed and I'm sure happy to be there! Today we drove to town and got papers for Sara that she needed for work and then took them to her. He slept the whole time and through giving the papers so we decided not to wake him to nurse. We then went to play at a friends house with her 2.5 year old little boy. The little guy was so cute with the baby. I tried to heat him up a bottle and instead of heating water in a mug in the mircowave and pouring it into the thermos like we normally do, I just put the thermos into the microwave and melted the entire inside of it. I stunk up my friends kitchen and the baby was a bit grumpy he had to wait even longer for milk. Oops!

Here's a picture of the little dude growing inside me. Sara doesn't think it looks much like a baby, but I do!

[starling&diesel]

Hello to everyone ...

KSdoula ... I feel so badly for your daughter, and you.  When I was about ten, I was at my step-grandparents' house for Christmas.  They'd been my 'grandparents' since I was four, so as good as any authentic bio grandparents in my books.  I was reading their family bible (I was weird that way) and flipped to the family tree page at the beginning, and was horrified, crushed and so saddened that I wasn't on it, even though my father had adopted my stepmom's son years before and there were kids listed on it younger than me.  It forever hurt me, and tainted my relationship with them.  Exclusion is one of the most painful, ever lasting kinds of hurt.  I'm sorry that cantankerous grump was so set on being mean and foul. 

Sara!  Look at that little bean just a cookin' away in your cozy belly!

Hmm, I'll have to go back later and check the other page to do more personals. 

Wehrli ... Where on earth did you get that scrumptious child??? And how did he get so big???

Seraf ... I can't quite imagine being back at work.  How is it going?  Are you enjoying it?

Gumshoe ... Did you get your delicious little one at the same Cute Baby store as Wehrli?  Gorgeous pictures.  You're a talented photographer.  My daughter loved the video.  So cute!  And she does have the same laugh as you!

Crystal ... How are you and wee Cohen?

As for me, we're doing great.  Slept through New Years, and are back to our usual routine, which is not much of a routine.  Our goal this year is to connect with the local homelearners and start to make friends who are not going to school, because most of E's peers are heading to preschool this year.  She turns three at the end of the month, and has asked for a monster cake, so I need to make a plan for that.  With strawberry icing and sharp teeth!  Yee haw!  Hawksley is so awesome these days.  I adore his smiles and his lovely self. 

[LibraryLady]

Morning all!  Checkin in with y'all regularly is the best part about being back at work.

KS~ Big hugs from me too about the awful family ignunce.  I've always been lucky and I'm going to count myself even luckier after reading about the troubles you had. Not even acknowledging you or the kiddo? Awful.  I'm glad you're home in your bed and enjoyed your coffee!   And be safe in the knowledge that you're a much better person and are raising much better people for the world.

Starling~ Such great photos!  Your kids are so gorgeous.  Your daughter's got lovely hair and such intelligence in her eyes. And your li'l fella~ what a face!!! (I love the necklace too!)  The picture of the two of them smiling at each other is wonderful. Can't wait to see pix of the monster cake!

What else? Who else? I'm totally bleary this morning, having awakened at 3:30. Between my snotty nose, Alice's snotty nose, my back pain (it was only a matter of time before my 'getting up off the floor' muscles gave out), DP's nightmares/sleep talking and three complainy cats I just lay there wide awake.  I'm loading up on the coffee now, but it's going to be a long day. 

[seraf]

Good morning!  Finally feels like winter here. 

KS, boo to family drama. That is flat out rude. It doesn't matter who they are, if a kid shows up there will be a gift. Cousin's new girlfriend's kid?  Check. Son of mom's boyfriend's daughter's friend who didn't have anyplace to go for the holiday? Check. It's just common courtesy AND in the spirit of the season. I personally don't make a lot of waves. It took until A was born for her mama's grandmother to talk to me, but I was tickled pink when she came around. I would probably pack an extra gift for my kids if I knew there was a risk of them being empty handed at gift opening time and feeling slighted. Hugs, I know it's hard to have someone's unkindness be "justified" by others, especially when it involves our children. 

Starling, beautiful photos. His smile really is great. I'm doing ok at work. It helps that they like me do much and it's a very low stress job. Pumping, letting down and leaking at inconvenient times are a hassle. I know Shay is in good hands. And he is a pretty chill baby, so I know he isn't beating Sara up, too bad. It was great to see how much more interactive they are with each other since spending a couple of says together. 

Library, boo to the sniffles. We have them here, too. Snarf snarf snarf all night long. 

[KSDoulaMama]

qmama- Thanks for the support.

smilingsara- Thanks for adding me. I think your baby looks very much like a baby, haha. I always think the pictures they take are less cool than actually getting to see the movement on the screen. So happy for you!

starling- You are right. It is the exclusion that bothers me. The old guy has every right to his own beliefs about homosexuality, however horrendous I think they are... but just because you don't agree with the way a person is living their life does NOT give you the right to pretend they don't exist. I mean, even if he just sees me as DW's "friend" as he claims to, I still deserve the common courtesy of being included in the group. I mean, come on! Since when is it normal to ignore a family friend, not even saying hello and goodbye?! Obviously acknowledging my presence makes him feel uncomfortable (I guess because he knows he is being mean and can't face dealing with that fact.) Sigh. I'll get over it, but boy does he make me mad! By the way, your kids are ridiculously cute. You must just die every day of cuteness overload!
 

library- We are battling the sniffles too! Hope it clears up fast- Mine seems to be worse than the rest of the family due to my weakened immune system (pregnancy is just soooo lovely sometimes... blah.)
 

seraf- You know, part of the reason why I've waited four years to say anything is because of our daughter. I thought for sure that he and his wife would come around once there was a real, actual baby in the picture. So many people have become more open now that we have a little one- who can resist a cute baby? The first year of our marriage was also our first year together. We had a small legal wedding and I was very new to the family- I wasn't sure he even knew who I was. Ironically, he was the most courteous to me that year. The second year was the Christmas after our large formal wedding (which he refused to go to and actually COMPLAINED that no family was going to be in town on that particular day to celebrate Father's Day with him because they were all at the wedding!) That year we were pregnant and he and his wife walked out on the party when DW and I pulled out the ultrasound video to show everyone. The third year we had a 7 month old. No dice. Ignored as usual. Now this year, the fourth year, he was rude as ever, specifically avoiding me and blowing off DD. I was furious. We gave him time (because I don't like making waves either) but at some point you just have to stick up for yourself and your family, I think. I guess this was the year.

Allison- Thank you so much. I do want to mention that I know I didn't actually cause the problem in this case. However, I think when you're new in a family, being the one to stir things up, even when justified, is a very delicate territory. That's what I was getting at.

Okay.... so I'm just going to put all of this behind me until next year I guess and try and be less irritated at DW's grandfather. On to a new year!

AFM- Today has been a lovely day. DW is at work, but I don't have to go back until tomorrow. DD and I have just been hanging out at home together. We both have colds and don't want to be around other people, and also I want to stay rested up so we can all go to the zoo once DW is out of work at 3:30 or so. So far I've gotten my hand-me-down bread machine to work properly (which it didn't the first time I tried,) put a pot of soup in the crockpot for dinner, and I'm actually working on laundry. And the dishes are even clean! I am so glad that the first trimester is behind me and the worst of the nausea and exhaustion are gone. I CAN NOT BELIEVE that I am well in my second trimester now- 16 weeks on Friday! This pregnancy is going by so incredibly fast... :)

[seraf]

KS, I don't understand why people act like that.  He missed the manners boat, I'm glad you stood up for yourself.  And the family member who refused to look at me didn't come around until the second child, but she didn't get to see the first child in person until she could be civil.

Here's a pic of Shay all propped up in a highchair so we could hang out and make naan.  I can't wait until he is big enough to sit on the counter (what, 8 months?  I guess there will be another baby by then)

Just for fun, here's Ari at the same age, I can't find any of Osh.

[prettyisa]

Well, shoot. Here it is, already January 4th and I still haven’t posted yet this year.

Y’all have such cute kids! I hope mine won’t turn out too funny-looking to associate with them…

Escher—I worry about this vaguely, mostly because although we have men in our lives (my dad and step brother, some friends, etc) we don’t really have many close guy friends, and those seem to keep moving away. I think I’m mostly concerned that I don’t have a good answer if people ask who the male role models are, but then again, like Seraf said, our kids will find their own role models, just like all kids have to find their own mentors. It’s hard not to over-think it, though.

Gumshoe—oo! Talking! That must be so much fun! And her little booties are reminding me that I have a resolution to learn how to crochet, stat!

KSDoula—glad to hear from you! I was wondering how you’ve been these days. I’m sorry about your DP’s family—I’d be inclined to say that if he pretends you’re not there maybe it’d be better to just go ahead and not actually be there, but it’s easy for me to say since it isn’t my family, you know? Good for you for not telling him what for, since he clearly deserves it. I can even understand ignoring you or pretending you aren’t family, but doing that to your daughter just seems evil. I’m glad her family stands up for you, too.

Meanwhile, AFM, our stupid dog has decided that it’s time to start getting us ready for parenthood. He threw up twice last night (at 2 and 4) and then proved that he was really sick by pooping by the door at 5. I wanted to kill him. But how can you yell at someone who is so obviously miserable? My DP pointed out that at least when there’s a real reason she is totally willing to get out of bed, clean up the little fella (and the floor, obviously) and go back to sleep without complaint, which is more than I can do. But still, it’s hard being awake today, and I am not at all sure how this is going to go when it happens for more than one night. In better news we got a bunch of nifty baby stuff from craigslist yesterday. Now we’re hunting for a dresser with unfortunate and precise dimensions (sigh) and a rug that we don’t both hate. Kind of nice to have a mission, though!

[southernfriedkarma]

Yikes!  I completely fell out of posting in Queer and Pregnant in the second trimester and have missed so much stuff!  I figure that a new year and a new thread is a good time to jump back in.  I'll work on catching up, but happy new year to everyone and WELCOME to all of the new precious babes!

KS - Unfortunately, my grandfather is the grumpy unwelcoming one in the family.  I pretty much cut off contact with him when he made big stink at our wedding and treated DP very badly last Christmas.  We've seen him several times this year because he's been ill and because of other major family events.  Me standing up to him has mellowed his behavior a bit, though I wouldn't exactly call him warm.  My mom has actually started to take our side now that there's a babe on the way, so he has to be more subtle with his antics (like completely ignoring my giant belly at Thanksgiving and even telling me I look like I've lost weight).  I'm sorry you're dealing with that hatefulness, but I'm glad your partner and other family members are standing up for you.  Being old is no excuse for being a jerk.  

AFM:  I'm nervously entering the third trimester with a burst of nesting energy.  DP is generally our cleaner/organizer, but I have been all over domestic projects for the last week including unpacking boxes from when I move into DP's house over 4 years ago!  I'm feeling pretty well except for the occasional rib kick or cervix punch  and moderate anxiety about being ready for this baby to arrive.  And about choosing a name.  We simply cannot agree on a name, and DP is OVER my stressing about finding a *perfect* appellation.  

[indigoscot]

hello all.  still preggo.  had an ob check-up yesterday and nst.  baby is fine, dp is fine.  no ctx AT ALL.  zero.  nada.  doc was very surprised about that.  she also said this is a big baby...we knew that!  ;)

internal check showed 1cm dilated and 60% effaced.  dp had bloody mucus yesterday and again today and has felt some pressure and a few ctx but nothing sustained.

induction will be on jan 10th if she doesn't come before...please send labour vibes!!!!!!  :)

g

[justrose13]

indigo, sending ELV your way!

welcome back, southernfriedkarma! may your 3rd tri be as blissful as can be!
Edited by justrose13 - 1/5/12 at 6:05am

[seraf]

Indigo, all that sex and no baby? It might be time to resort to spicy food. I'm wishing you lots of easy labor vibes!  How big was DS2?  

Isa, hope your dog feels better. Why do you need such a specific size dresser?

Karma, he name debate is no fun, you have any front runners?  We thought we were set on a name until the third trimester when I said I didn't think Riot would work. LOL. And Shay is not a Riot. This time we have had a name for a while and suddenly Sara is panicked and bringing up all these names that I rudely make fun of.  

[mami2mami]

Indigo- sending you ladies ELV

[indigoscot]

seraf - he was 8lbs 13oz.  and 5 days late.  tomorrow this babe will be 5 days late.

g

[seraf]

Indigo, that is a big boy.  I have heard that girls are a little smaller on average but second children are larger.  A was over a pound smaller than O, but they had different donors.  Good luck getting things started.

[prettyisa]

Seraf--the room is only 6x7. And has a huge bookshelf/cube cubby thing in it that is necessary for putting stuff in, plus a (mini) crib and a rocking chair. So the places to put a dresser are very limited (and in front of a closet, possibly blocking the door if it gets too big. FML). But we still want it to be big enough that we can use the top as a changing table, so I'm looking for a dresser that is 32-35" wide, 16-17" deep, and the right height for both me (5'9") and my wife (5'1.5"--the .5 is important!) to use for changing the kid. Oh, and for less than $100. And not ugly (or able to be made not ugly). At this point I'm wondering if my time might be better spent re-routing the door so it opens out into the living room to give us more space in there...

Our naming seems to have derailed also. We had ones that I thought we were set on, but last night DP announced that she doesn't like my 'stupid name rules' (nothing in the top 100 of the SSN index, nothing ending in 'er' because our last name does, nothing i think is ugly) and that she wants more girl name options. So I'm back on the hunt. Anyone have any girl names that they aren't planning to use but would like to see passed on? We seem to like vowels...

[carmen358]

Originally Posted by indigoscot 

hello all.  still preggo.  had an ob check-up yesterday and nst.  baby is fine, dp is fine.  no ctx AT ALL.  zero.  nada.  doc was very surprised about that.  she also said this is a big baby...we knew that!  ;)

internal check showed 1cm dilated and 60% effaced.  dp had bloody mucus yesterday and again today and has felt some pressure and a few ctx but nothing sustained.

induction will be on jan 10th if she doesn't come before...please send labour vibes!!!!!!  :)

g

Good luck!! I hope your DP has a wonderful birth and your little girl is with you all soon!!

Originally Posted by seraf 

I have heard that girls are a little smaller on average but second children are larger. 

DD was 9lb 7oz and 4 days early...just to skew the averages on here ;)

[KSDoulaMama]

Isa- Here's a few that come to mind: Eliana, Eloise, Aurora, Ellery, Aylah, Evelina, Noelia, Elise, Amira.

[seraf]

Isa, that's a pretty small room, I can see how it would work but doors could really get in the way.  Can you just remove the closet door and put the dresser in there?  Or the crib (ok, sounds awful, but I've read about it in books, to put the crib in the parent's closet minus the door, I have an old house and I think I could fit a standard crib in there)?  The only place I've used a dresser/changing table was my first twins.  They had a really cool one where the dresser was the width of the changing table and the length folded out. or folded up if you needed to, say, get in the closet.  It was nice and narrow.  I don't remember if it was that shallow, tho.  I just measured our dressers, weird that they have no standard depth.  I have an ugly old kids' dresser that is the right measurements, but probably too tall for your DP.  I can see how it would be frustrating.  My second set of twins changed diapers in the crib or floor, I have always changed diapers on the dryer, the bed or on the move.

 

What if you seperated the dresser and changing table and made something like this? Or this?

 

Carmen, that's a big baby.

[justrose13]

isa, I love the names Elia (E-lee-a) and Amoreena but wouldn't use them because they are friends names. that may, also, be why we like the names so well.

afu, finally taking a minute to update... S turned 9 months yesterday and he cut his first tooth overnight! he's working on the other one as well, I'm thinking they may start popping up quickly but we'll see. he's woken up before 5a for the past 4 nights, the first three were etween 4:30 and 4:45 but then this morning we were all up at 3:50. :/ I think he may very well have slept longer if I'd dosed him with tylenol and tried to get him back to sleep but I had been half awake fighting a migraine for a while. when I got up to get him some relief I almost got sick, so DP got up and let me take care of me. poor girl is working long hours these days, too, while I'm at home and get to nap when S naps... and I'm still tired. it's been a long week. sure am glad it's Friday eve! in other baby news, this guy is seeming less and less baby! crazy, I'll tell ya! just the other night I was rocking/nursing him to sleep on the edge of his floor bed and he was barely fitting on my lap! not. even. kidding. he's growing into 12 month (and some 18 month) clothes now. he's also really cruising, can army crawl super fast and now gets up on his hands and knees. he can almost get to a sitting position but I don't think he realizes it so he doesn't seem to work on it much. he walks really well holding our fingers while we stand behind him, too. he's so ready to walk... he'll put up on one of us, grab our hands and start going before we hae the chance to stand and follow him. he's gonna e a daredevil, I think... he LOVES to be tossed into the air, playing airplane, etc. he's getting better about sleep everyday, it seems. most nights, when I'm not too lazy to wake up enough to nurse him back down in his own bed, he'll sleep in his room until 11, 12, 1 o'clock. he goes down between 6 and 6:30p, and often will sleep 2-4 hours right off the bat! still have to nurse him down every single time but I think I've resigned myself to it until he's old enough to reason with some, hoping maybe he'll just grow out of needing it. he's been napping easier, too. I've been able to have him nap in his bed and leave him, but I only do that if I can afford for him to wake up too early and can deal with a cranky child. otherwise we lay in our bed and I nap or surf the web on the iPad. Life is pretty good.