Any suggestions? Things are getting bad and I can't cope

[Gracecody]

My son is 3 mos old.

I am at my wits end with this sleep situation. I'm starting to get so depressed (from extended sleep deprivation, isolation, being tapped out) that my husband is really concerned and I know I'm bringing him down and making an already difficult situation that much harder for him to bear. Last night my son didn't go to sleep until after midnight and this was after 1.5 hours of nursing starting a little after 9pm and then me bouncing and walking him (he kept fussing, wasn't happy to be awake and hang out) and then another hour of my husband walking him with the vacuum cleaner on and then rocking him, he had to do it twice as Luke woke up and cried and wouldn't nurse the first time he set him down. So he was finally out about 12:20 and slept until 3:15, when he woke and nursed and got sleepy but then kept pulling off the nipple and finally settled around 4am. Then he woke again just before 7 and that has been it, he's nursed and snoozed but started pulling off the nipple.  when he does this he stretches it back as far as it will go and pulls off, then comes diving back on and does it again as many times as I will let him, which is not many as he's going to make them really sore doing this and it's not something I can tolerate. Anyway, now I guess we're awake for the day? I think I got 5 hours total as it takes me awhile to fall asleep after he does. I have to be totally still so he doesn't wake and then creep away from him and then try to fall asleep. I feel like I'm in a worse mental state than I was in at midnight. I just feel like I don't have any more to give. Not only will he not nurse to sleep a lot of the time, when he does start to fall asleep (and me, too) he will start the pulling off the nipple thing and wake both of us up and that is it for the nursing. I am not going to hop out of bed every time he wakes and do crazy exercises to get him back to sleep. But I know I can't tolerate having him cry either so I feel like I'm totally subject to his whims. the bouncing thing I was doing with him - knee bends - no longer works after a few days of it working well, and when I do that now he starts trying to climb across my chest and cries and grabs fistfuls of my hair on the sides where it comes out of my ever present ponytail.

I just feel like I have nothing left over for my other two children (ages 4 and 6) and that makes me that much more depressed. I keep thinking, it's okay if they do x or y (mainly watching too much tv) because it's temporary but it's been three months and things are getting worse, not better. I still have to stay with the baby and do whatever it takes to get him to sleep during the day which means I am not there for them, for my son this means almost no time hanging out with me and for my daughter this apparently means she will start to do as she pleases because she realizes she can get away with things when I am not there to watch her. During the day he will usually sleep on me but usually not soundly enough to be put down, and will also fall asleep in the bed side nursing but wakes when I unlatch him. So I feel stuck in the bedroom with him for hours a day which I do because I have to, but the other children need me too. And being stuck in the room is really contributing to my depression and feeling of being trapped.

Edited by Gracecody - 1/2/12 at 9:25am

[motherhendoula]

I had to quickly answer to at least one of your issues....the pulling back on the nipple that your baby is doing...can be an indicator that he isnt getting enough milk - could just mean that let down is a little slow - try massaging the top portion of your breast when you latch him on.  (is there any reason your supply could be low - for example getting onto birth control pills?)  

Another quick solution to look into would be to buy a ring sling or another babywearing item where you could nurse while you are up and about with your older children.  - This is your third Mama, you know the drill!

[Mama2ChicknLil]

Oh Gracecody, you really have been put through the wringer haven't you?? I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this now :(

All I can say is I noticed a major shift in Kai's sleeping around the 3 month mark. He became much more aware of his surroundings and had a harder time STAYING asleep. Usually he falls asleep pretty easily, but ever since he figured out how to grab things (hair!&^%*), coordinate his legs, and move his head around, he's been a very distractible nurser and sleeper. Maybe Luke is going through something developmental? Or may this has something to do with the notorious 3 month growth spurt? I know that nipple tugging and marathon nursing is a sure sign Kai is getting ready to learn something new. Vicious cycle...crazy growth spurt baby feeds into crazy developmentally changing baby....grr.

Last night Kai fell asleep, was OUT. COLD. and after 30 minutes asleep in bed with me? AWAKE! Not just, fussing for the boob awake, but full on awake babbling to himself and smiling at me with the widest eyes ever. Really?

As for feeling trapped, I absolutly second motherhendoula's recommendation to try a wrap. I can't remember if we've talked about this before () but I would get absolutly nothing done all day long without my Moby. Kai, being HN, hates being bound up to in a cradle hold, so the only thing that works for us is The Moby...Facing out when awake and super interested in everything, facing in if he's just been changed, fed, burped,and is sleepy. Even thenthe longest I was ever able to keep him in it at one time was about 45 minutes, most of which was a nap. It might, however, give you a achance to spend time with the other kids? I am constantly in awe of moms with more than one. I think I would lose my mind. Are the older kids back at school yet? I'm going to return the fabulous advice you gave me last week: GET OUT WITH FRIENDS!!! Go get coffee, have friends over for potluck lunch, anything mama, just get out!!

I also can't remember if he takes a paci? That might help. Kai will nurse to almost sleep but then wants his paci so he can move around more.

YOu are strong and amazing and I am thinking of you

Kais crying...again, so I'm off

xoxo

[Mama2ChicknLil]

Hope you are sleeping ;)

[schoonersam]

This may be obvious and I apologize if you've tried this without luck, but have you wrapped him at all? In a wrap, ssc or mei tai?  This almost always works for me first in a Sleepy wrap and now in an Ellaroo mei tai (we switched around 4 months). I just wrap her in snug and walk around the block or through the house. I make sure to bounce and sway in my strides.

The thing that's nice is that I can also just do chores around the house with her strapped on and my hands free and the movement seems to calm her at least even if she doesn't fall asleep for 45 mins.  So she may not be asleep, but at least I can get other things done - like walking the dog -  and it distracts from whatever might be upsetting her and gives her some visual stimulation that I believe helps get her to sleep.  I believe this because she almost always goes off while wrapped up - sometimes it's after 10 minutes and sometimes it's an hour - but that is usually when we're out hiking.

I'm also gonna echo the previous poster, find any excuse to get outside.  There are days when I think I was insane to get a puppy while pregnant (she was 8 weeks when I was 4 months), but the truth is that she forces me outdoors.

Of course, this may all be going down the toilet now that her teeth are coming in and she's getting hysterical.  I may be posting a similar thread soon enough...

Good luck. Hang in there.

[Gracecody]

Thanks so much for the replies!

I can't write much right now but I just wanted to thank you ans say that today is so much better. I feel like I may have some idea of the issues that are at play here...maybe not getting enough milk and developmental milestones for sure.

he HATED all four of my baby cariers until literally last week so that is a new option for me. now he will tolerate being worn when he's awake but starts to cry when he wants to sleep. I can walk briskly or vacuum to get him to sleep at that point. Walking outside hasn't been an option much because it's winter here and I do the vacuuming thing when he needs to sleep but has just nursed recently. When we have those horrible nights I feel really wiped out and don't feel like wearing him, I don't have the energy.

[purplerose]

nak.

i have to say this thread was very helpful to read, as my 3 mth old daughter is behaving in these same ways! i've been so emotional bc of the lack of sleep. i, too, take a long time to fall asleep, so with her waking frequently i am getting total 2-3 hrs of sleep nightly.she has suddenly outgrown diapers and clothes and is suddenly very watchful of the things i do, as if she is paying attention to detail LOL very amusing.

[Asiago]

Perhaps I missed something here but it sounds like you are getting up and out of bed at night every time baby needs to feed (?) That in itself is exhausting. Have you thought about having baby sleep nestled up next to you in bed? I felt like a new woman once we statred sleeping that way. I was getting more sleep than any other new (or not so new) mother I knew.

[Gracecody]

I was getting up out of bed but only because he would refuse to nurse and get really upset when I offered him the breast. We have been co-sleeping since day one, don't even own a crib. :)

Things have gotten a lot better. What's going on here is that he has a couple different issues: (1) treating bedtime as a nap and then being wide awake after 45 min-1 hour (and then going to sleep really late, 10:30-11:30pm, (2) refusing to nurse to sleep or back to sleep, and (3) really restless sleep resulting in getting overtired and really difficult to get to sleep.

It just so happened that ALL of these issues came together at once, resulting in a few nights from H$LL. Since then he has done #1 most frequently but it hasn't bothered me much as we get good sleep after that and he will nurse back to sleep when he wakes. There is nothing I hate more than having to get out of bed when I am groggy and do something physical to settle him.

I think he may not have been getting enough milk so I took my more milk plus...I don't have supply issues now, but used it early on when he was having trouble with his latch and wasn't getting enough milk. He's still a skinny guy so that is always something I am aware of, I'm always trying to get him as much milk as possible. At night I had been getting lazy and only offering him one side and I have seen improvements in his sleep since offering him both sides and also being sure to tank him up in the evening before bed. From those early days we have a baby scale and he's been gaining 7 oz a week for the past three weeks so I think overall he's getting enough.

The developmental stuff is also a huge factor here. All of a sudden he is SO much more engaged in his environment. He is babbling and laughing at everyone and grabbing, holding and putting things in his mouth, also trying very hard to roll over. HOW could all of that be going on and his sleep not be affected?

[schoonersam]

Glad to see things are getting better.  My DD was the same, especially on #1, and awareness of her surroundings.  It's still an issue.  And here's something funny...in the time it's a taken me to respond to you diaper question from the other thread, we've had 2 nights with mid-night poops/changes.  And I think we have a teething tantrum coming on now...ugh. I promise I'll get to the diaper question at some point soon!

[Asiago]

I am glad also for you. I am sorry....thanks for explaining regarding getting up. My baby needed so much motion early on. I recall moving around always helped him latch on.

Good luck and best wishes, keep us posted.

[luckiest]

Oy, I'm so sorry!  I'm glad to hear that things have gotten a bit better, but I just wanted to add my experience...

Our first three months were pretty dreamy, other than that Felix wouldn't nurse to sleep.  We bounced him down, and that worked fine.  At three months, he started REALLY resisting going to sleep and waking every hour.  We couldn't put him down without waking him (still can't at 13 months).  All of a sudden, one night, bouncing just stopped working.  He cried for so long (or it felt like it was so long...it was probably only 15 minutes), I was crying, it was awful.  My mom suggested that he was getting to an age where the bouncing was stimulating rather than soothing - she was so right. He started nursing to sleep, although not without fighting it.

I finally figured out that Felix is high-needs (which is another long story, but involves the "mother burn-out" you described), and reading The Fussy Baby Book really helped me understand him better and meet his needs more effectively.