I'm confused. Which is it? (Dating Q)

[Mama Soltera]

So, the He's Just Not that into You book says never ask a man out; if they reallly like you they will ask you out. Then this mommy blog type thing with dating advice says (from a woman) that men rarely ask women out and they like it when women ask them out and you need to make the first move. I remember reading about something that said men like the idea of women asking them out but when it comes down to it they want to be the pursuer. And maybe it emasculates them a little? That Not into You guy says it may work in the beginning but never works out in the long run.

I have been the pursuer before and I think it did scare the guy away (well, I also think he may have had a girlfriend now that I look back on his behavior). I know I probably shouldn't be listening to all these "experts" but nothing has worked for me at all and I'm feeing pretty desperate. I do want sometone to llike me enough to ask me out, but usually I'm with my kids. And I've tried online dating and did not like it at all. There has to be a better way...HELP!

[Mama Soltera]

Sorry for the typos. This computer never lets me edit (and I'm always in a hurry while typing). Thanks for any advice you may have.

[Cyllya]

Well, personally, I'd ask a guy out if I was interested, but if he never asked me out in the future, I'd figure he's not very interested in me, so I'd drop him and move on to the next guy. (If you know the guy already, you might ask yourself, "If he was interested in me, would he ask me out?" If he's shy or if he asked you out before and you turned him down, it's definitely worth asking him out.) I think He's Just Not that into You and other books that tell you not to "chase" the guy are trying to say that you should spend your time/resources on a guy who likes you enough to do his fair share of the chasing, rather than some guy who's just thinking, "Hmm, Sally's asking me out again... Well, I've got nothing else to do this Saturday. Might as well."

If a guy feels emasculated by a woman asking him out on a date, imagine what else he'll feel emasculated by. He won't be able to do the dishes or change a baby's diaper or anything like that. So I think you'd want to weed those guys out early if you want a long-term relationship.

[rubelin]

I have never had an issue with asking someone out the first time, usually something casual like, "we should have coffee sometime", which puts it back to them to confirm that or not. I wouldn't continue asking past that, though, I'd let him do the asking.

But, besides all that, I stopped trying to get dates and started working on my desperation to get them. I've found that doing a lot of work on getting yourself happy with your life and in a space to nurture a great relationship is the best way to have someone wonderful drop into your life without you having to do much trying at all =) Last year I threw myself into working on me and refusing to date anyone who I didn't really like and on the day that I decided that I would pay for one month on Match.com and really use the service, I found my sweetie (on Match) and ended up not really needing to do much of anything. I won't say that the membership went to waste, but I do wish I'd been able to pay for only one week ;-)

Some great dating/love sites that I highly recommend (I know most of these people personally but don't have any other affiliation with their work) are KathrynAlice.com & understandmen.com

[Mama Soltera]

I get what you're saying, but I am so deprived of love and affection at this point it is a desparate situation. You don't even want to know how long it's been since I've had sex. It is turning me into a miserable bitter person, so if I don't get that part of me fulfilled soon, I will have no hope of ever feeling good enough to just naturally draw someone good in. I don't know if that makes sense but I was patient, waiting for better men to come along and just living my life and improving me and now I am starving. Seriously. It's bad.

Originally Posted by Cyllya 

If a guy feels emasculated by a woman asking him out on a date, imagine what else he'll feel emasculated by. He won't be able to do the dishes or change a baby's diaper or anything like that. So I think you'd want to weed those guys out early if you want a long-term relationship.

Good point!  

[Mom31]

Mama.... I hear you are you on dating websites?  I got lots of great dates of course I had to weed them out good but I met my current boyfriend on there.

[Mama Soltera]

I tried it and it really was not for me.

[Dia]

To be honest with you, there is not a right or wrong answer here. Some men will really like being asked out by a woman, some men will be emasculated by it. So both sources you read are correct, but it just depends on the person. 

Decide what approach feels good to you, and then do it. Don't worry about the man's reaction too much. If you're true to yourself, you'll attract in the right person who resonates with the true you. 

I'm not single, but when I was I would have never asked a man out. Not because I was worried about emasculating him, but simply because I respect a man who is willing to pursue me. I think it's hot. 

But that's just me -- everyone is different!
 

Originally Posted by rubelin 

I've found that doing a lot of work on getting yourself happy with your life and in a space to nurture a great relationship is the best way to have someone wonderful drop into your life without you having to do much trying at all =) Last year I threw myself into working on me and refusing to date anyone who I didn't really like and on the day that I decided that I would pay for one month on Match.com and really use the service, I found my sweetie (on Match) and ended up not really needing to do much of anything.

I agree with this 100%. 

[Mama Soltera]

"Decide what approach feels good to you, and then do it. Don't worry about the man's reaction too much. If you're true to yourself, you'll attract in the right person who resonates with the true you." 

That makes a lot of sense. Thanks. :)

[Mama Soltera]

 

 I am so deprived of love and affection at this point it is a desparate situation. You don't even want to know how long it's been since I've had sex. It is turning me into a miserable bitter person, so if I don't get that part of me fulfilled soon, I will have no hope of ever feeling good enough to just naturally draw someone good in. I don't know if that makes sense but I was patient, waiting for better men to come along and just living my life and improving me and now I am starving.

No one ever has a response for this, which makes me feel like things are totally hopeless.

[Mom31]

I think you should give internet dating another try.  I went for 2 years without sex... like maybe once every 6 months during that period...

it is awful but you have to be proactive and maybe get out of your comfort zone to change it.