NOT going back to work and moving « Back to Group Discussions

[mommy2sage]

My employer is expecting me to return back to work in two weeks, but I do not see it happening. It is not a breastfeeding friendly workplace.  No breaks to pump (except 30 min lunch), so I used to have to pump-n-drive on the way to and from work when my daughter was a baby.  My breasts would be so engorged from not being emptied for 4 hours, plus it made it very difficult to keep a good milk supply.  I did this for a year, but back then, I only had 2 kids.  Now with 3 kids, washing pump parts would be another thing piled on the every day never ending to do list.  Plus, my baby has not even tried a bottle and I do not really want him to.  Both of my kids over time developed a preference for bottles over boobies.  Not fun!

Also, my husband and I are planning to move out of state within the next 2 months.  So, I feel like what is the point of going back to work for a month or two (except for the money).  We have not  told anyone that we are moving this soon except for his family in Minnesota, were we will be moving.  My family and friends have known for years that my husband wants to go back home and that eventually (they think years from now) we will be moving there.  My family gets upset every time we bring up the conversation about moving.  So they are not aware that it is about to become reality.  I feel terrible, but it is hard to break the news knowing that they are not supportive.

How do I break the news to my family without making them cry?

Also, what is the best way to tell the employer? Should I tell them now or wait for them to call me?

any comments/advice appreciated

[LunaLady]

I think you should stay home. From the info you've provided, I don't think it would be a big deal to let your employer know you will be moving and thus cannot come back to work. Will you be okay financially without that income? Or had you budgeted for it? I think your employer would not have much anything they could say to you seems how you're moving.

Staying home would also not put your nursing relationship in jeopardy. Maybe I am biased because I worked so, so hard to get my baby to the breast, but I am all for doing anything you possibly can to keep up the nursing. 

As far as moving - I think that will be what's hard for you... telling your family. I imagine they may understand? If your DH wants to be near his family? They may not like the short notice, but maybe you can make some plans to visit sometime later this year?

Wishing you the best in this situation! It's sure a tricky one. 

[jbk21]

I would definitely just tell your employer now.  Let them know you're moving and you won't be returning to work.  You could wait for them to call but I wouldn't burn any bridges.  It's best to keep the relationship good in case you need a reference in the future. 

As far as family- I know exactly the situation you're in.  We moved across the country (OH to Oregon) last year, and we let our families know just a few months before (we told my dad about 6 weeks before- I was most nervous about his reaction but he was the most supportive!  We told my in-laws about 5 months before.  They were devastated.)  

How do you break the news without making them cry?  Well, they'll probably cry.  But the best thing is to just be honest. Also, the longer you wait the more awkward it will be.  They should have some advance notice .  Let them know that you've been discussing moving for quite a while, and you've decided that the best time to do that is on X date.  Our families thought it would be years, too.  In fact, I think they were all in denial and thought we wouldn't really go through with it right up until the day we left.  I'm sure they'll have questions for you, they'll be sad, they'll wonder about their relationship with your kids, etc.  Just try to answer as best you can.  Is it a good relationship?  With my in-laws we have a terrible relationship, but they think it's great, so it was super hard to have those conversations (like when they asked if we'd ever let our kids go stay with them for a week- without us there- and we said flat out "no".  THat was not a fun conversation...)  If you have a good relationship then it will be easy to try to decide what would be best for visiting, how much time you'll spend together each year, how often you'll talk, etc.  If you both have the ability to skype that makes things MUCH easier for the grandparents.  You could talk about that as well, so maybe they'll see that it's really not so bad. 

In our experience, my in-laws visited after 5 months and while they missed us terribly, the time really flew by.  It seems like a long time, but really everyone has their own lives and you don't really realize how much time has passed.  It will be easier than they think it will be, at least that's what I've found to be true (even from my MIL and FIL's perspective- they thought the time went by quickly as well).  The thing to remember is that families live far away from each other all the time.  It's not necessarily "the norm" nowadays for all the extended family to be in one general vicinity.  With technology these days it's very easy to keep in touch and stay connected.  

I don't know if your parents will feel this way, but they might feel like you're choosing your DH's family over your own, as if you'd prefer to live near them.  Not sure if that's the case (I'd understand if it was!) but you might need to think about how you'll handle that conversation if it comes up.
 

[IwannaBanRN]

Just do it. Seriously, and get it over with. My mom should have been happy that DH had a promotion, but all she could think of was that we were leaving the town she lives in. She is one of the worst at guilt trips too. Something will come up about DD not knowing her very well and she'll say "well, if you hadn't moved..." or "why doesn't he transfer back here?" Uuuhh, because there aren't any positions to fill there, mom. Anyway, it won't get any easier. Hasn't for me, anyhow. My thinking is, you might regret later down the road, not taking the time to say goodbye to your family. You want to do that, don't you? Even though goodbyes are hard, they're worth it.

Also, I would give your employer 2 weeks notice. It'll at least look good on you if/when you want another job.

[mommy2sage]

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this.  I have held off on telling my employer because before I deal with the whole job thing, I need to tell my family first, and telling my mom the news is going to be the hardest.  We are close and talk on the phone a few times a week and see each other about once or twice a month, but this is one thing we cannot talk about.  She just gets really upset and changes the subject or I do.  I just wish I could tell her and she would be understanding.

 I will see my family this weekend and it seems like that would be the best time to get this over with.  Ugghh...it makes me so nervous just thinking about it.  I feel like I have to be prepared for a million questions that I am not ready to answer.  My mom thinks we prefer his family and what she does not realize is that they are my family too, just like my husband is part of her family.  That is what happens when people get married and have children.  We want our kids to get to know their other grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, too.

[jbk21]

I'll be thinking of you this weekend!  I know it's SO hard.  I had a million conversations with my dad (we talked daily) before I finally told him.  Each time I talked to him I was just so nervous and literally could not spit the words out.  If she shuts down and can't talk about it, at least she would have heard "we are moving on X date".  If she can't handle asking questions or talking about it at that time, that's fine- she'll process and calm down a bit and will hopefully ask questions when she is ready.  Just make sure she hears WHEN you are moving.  

We talked to my IL's a couple of times a week and saw them twice a month as well.  Skype really does help, and you can still chat on the phone whenever.  Still, I know it is so hard to try to convince them that it will all be okay.  

[Jaimee]

Good luck!!  And yes, Skype is an amazing tool.  My IL's regularly Skype with my kids and they absolutely know who they are and immediately fall into a relationship when the come to visit.  My parents do not Skype and are not as well known.  Perhaps pick up a webcam (if they don't already have one) as a gift to give them when you break the news?  It would show how important it is to you to maintain relationships while you're breaking the shocking news.

[MrsKatie]

Good luck this weekend. DH and I moved to Oregon from CA a year ago February, and telling my family was brutal. I won't go into details until after you've gone through it first... but the end story is that everyone is ok, and yes, Skype is awesome, I JUST was on Skype about 10 minutes ago with my parents and little sister.  I stuck the baby's face in the camera and everyone was happy.  Also, I don't know if my relationship with my parents could be as healthy and rewarding as it is if I still lived in the same town.  Everyone is happy.  Nobody is sulking around bemoaning the fact that we moved away.  And DH and I are MUCH happier because we did what we wanted to do, and needed to do for the health of our family.

Again, good luck.  Everything and everyone will be ok.  Report back asap!

[CDsMom1031]

Originally Posted by Jaimee 

Good luck!!  And yes, Skype is an amazing tool.  My IL's regularly Skype with my kids and they absolutely know who they are and immediately fall into a relationship when the come to visit.  My parents do not Skype and are not as well known.  Perhaps pick up a webcam (if they don't already have one) as a gift to give them when you break the news?  It would show how important it is to you to maintain relationships while you're breaking the shocking news.

YEP! My parents moved the week before I found out I was pregnant. I Skype with my kiddo and them at least once a week so they can see him/how he's changing/what-not.

He honestly probably "sees" my parents that are 7 hours away more than he sees my MIL, who's 15 minutes away.

[Jaimee]

Update?  How'd it go?

[mommy2sage]

I still have not talked to my mom about moving. She had some friends visiting when we were over this past weekend and I did not get the chance to talk to her much. The timing was not right, but I doubt it will ever be.   Wish I could just get this over with!

It's hard to believe, but my two closest family members, my mom and sister do not know how to use a computer.  They do not even have email accounts.  So, Skype is not an option at the moment,  but hopefully us moving will give them motivation to learn some computer skills.

Oh. I forgot to mention that I told my sister about moving and she handled the news much better than I thought and was completely understanding.

[mommy2sage]

UPDATE: Made up my mind and I am going back to work.

Spoke with my employer today and they said they are willing to give me breaks and a private room to pump.  I was shocked because they were not this accommodating when I was breastfeeding my daughter.  I am not thrilled about going back, but really thought long and hard about it and think it is the best choice right now, especially since it has been pretty challenging surviving on one income. Also, I told them that we will be moving to MN and asked if they would allow me to work from home once we move.  They do not have an answer for me about working from home, but at least I proposed the idea.

I pumped today and got 4 ounces.  Tomorrow we are going to introduce the bottle and see how he takes to it.

Just thinking about being away from my Stormy makes my heart ache

[Krystal323]

Honestly i would tell them that my coming back to work was contingent on the ability to work remotely upon your moving.  i'd offer to go in for a day or two, and then work remotely "as a trial basis" in preparation for your move.  you've got to be forceful, and it helps immensely to have proof that you're just as productive (if not moreso) at home than in the office.  otherwise they'll be tempted to just hire someone new when you move, and IMO, only two months of income is just not enough justification for messing with a nursing relationship this early.  so show them how much you can get done working from home as fast as you possibly can--make it inconvenient for them to lose you.  

got no advice whatever on breaking the moving topic to your folks.  i hope it goes well!

good luck on both counts!

[mommy2sage]

Final update.

I finally got the courage to tell my mom about moving.  She immediately got silent and I did not know what to say.  She started crying and told me that I'm not going to be happy in Minnesota and that we will never get to see each other.  I told her moving away from her is not going to be easy for us either and that we will miss her just as much.  I explained to her that we can still talk on the phone and she can get a webcam.  She was so upset that she really did not talk much.  I feel like I am breaking her heart and it sucks ...but I am glad I did it.

Krystal - Thanks for the advice about work.  Guess I got to show off my skills!

[Jaimee]

  Mama!  I know it wasn't easy, but it had to be done.  It will get better as time goes by!

[jbk21]

I agree with Jaimee.  It will get easier, for her and for you.  

Just remember that you did what you needed to do, and you did it in the best way you could.  You can only control YOUR decisions, you can't control HER reactions.  Good job, mama. 

[mommy2sage]

So, I have another update to share...

Last night my husband and I had a long serious talk and we came to the decision together that right now the place I am needed the most is home.  I am not going back to work. It is not going to be easy financially,  but we are determined to make it work.  No bottles for our baby and spending time with our kids is totally worth it.  Besides we might as well get used to living on this amount of $ because that is what life will be like after we move.

Also, my employer was pretty cool and understanding about me not returning.  They said they will miss me and that I am welcome back anytime.  Glad the bridges were not burnt!

I am so excited for this year of new beginnings and feel so lucky to be a SAHM!

[Abraisme]

Originally Posted by mommy2sage 

So, I have another update to share...

Last night my husband and I had a long serious talk and we came to the decision together that right now the place I am needed the most is home.  I am not going back to work. It is not going to be easy financially,  but we are determined to make it work.  No bottles for our baby and spending time with our kids is totally worth it.  Besides we might as well get used to living on this amount of $ because that is what life will be like after we move.

Also, my employer was pretty cool and understanding about me not returning.  They said they will miss me and that I am welcome back anytime.  Glad the bridges were not burnt!

I am so excited for this year of new beginnings and feel so lucky to be a SAHM!

[birdhappy85]

Yay! 

[IwannaBanRN]

That's awesome! And I'm glad you told your mom. It's so hard to do that stuff. My mom wasn't happy at all. Like she was mad. It'll get easier and you guys can visit each other when finances and time allow.  Also glad that your work was understanding.