Gentle ideas for a 3 year old

[Jend1002]

It's been a while since I've posted about our sleep woes! Not that they haven't continued.  My DS is 3 yrs 3 months.  He has always needed me to get to sleep, has always woken frequently at nights.  We have slowly evolved over the past 3 years - he needed milk to sleep, he needed movement to sleep, he needed ONLY me to go to bed...we have slowly moved away from these things over time and on his schedule which has really worked well for me - I feel satisfied that I have been considering his specific needs and working with them as much as I can.

But now...I feel like we have settled into a very distinct pattern and I am wondering if the sleep issues are now just bad habits. In the past, he has done better than he is now.  My gut is telling me that this is now habitual. 

The basics:

• I can't get him to sleep before 9 and he nearly always gets up by 6
• I stay with him until he falls asleep.  He gets really upset if I am not there and does still like me to maintain contact with him as he falls asleep.  He sometimes likes me to rub or pat his back. 
• He has a hard time falling back to sleep once awakening - it always takes at least 20 minutes.  He wakes 3 times per night minimum. 
• He gets tons of active play every day, including outside time.
• He desperately needs his mid-day nap because he is so tired.  He has behavior issues in preschool before nap and does fine after nap.
• He is in his own bed in his own room.
• He does not like to sleep in bed with us.  He really doesn't - so strange.

Each of his wake-ups are generally around the same times.  Each time, he used to come into our room to wake me.  I told him that if he really needs me, to please just call for me because I wondered if the getting up and walking were contributing to the time it takes to get him back to sleep.  He has done this for the past 2 nights and it hasn't changed anything. 

I got a "clock" for his room with a bunny in and out of bed.  I set the times that the bunny is in bed - this sort of worked in the mornings for a few weeks but no longer matters to him. 

I've talked with him about the need for sleep and my need for sleep. 

Any ideas?  Suggestions?  Gentle ways to move away from having to physically be with him when he is trying to fall asleep?  He is really sensitive and depends on routine quite heavily.  He doesn't seem to take to changes very quickly. 

I am so tired and after 3 years and while I don't like to push with him, I feel like I have reached a point where it may be necessary. 

If you read all of this, thanks.  Sorry if my tired mind is rambling!

I welcome ALL suggestions. 

[Choices4me]

Honestly you have created a nightmare routine IMO and are now paying for it. So is he. He doesn't know it, he only knows what he has been taught and conditioned to do.  I'm not saying you didn't mean well, but this is what you get for being there every second of the day instead of encouraging independence and trusting.  Also a 3 yr old can't understand your need for sleep or the importance of it. You are going to have to change your routine of how you respond to him during the night and it will be painful, but for the best!  Good Luck!

[maputna]

Some things you could try:

Skip the mid-day nap in order to “set him back” to an earlier bedtime. But it could backfire, he could become too exhausted to fall asleep easily.

Have someone else stay with him until he falls asleep. Same thing with the night awakenings… When my partner puts our 2 year-old to sleep, we have to make him believe that mommy is leaving the house.

I read somewhere about a mom who used the baby monitor to help her little one fall asleep without her being there at bedtime. She would do the bedtime routine and leave the room. Since it was an older child (like yours), she could talk to him through the monitor and he would now that she was nearby and eventually he would fall asleep on his own. However, this would never work with my own…

Good luck, I feel your pain AND your reluctance to push him!

[Jend1002]

Thanks for the ideas, maputna!  I like your suggestions.  My DS goes to day care so he kind of has to nap - that's their schedule.  If it wasn't for that, I'd definitely try no naps.  It just doesn't make sense for me to do so only on the weekends so I haven't been able to try it for any length of time. 

The past 2 nights have actually been a little better.  We have been talking A TON about staying in bed.  He seems to be trying.  I am not sure if the monitor will work, but it's definitely very worth a try.  I like that!