Discussing Smoking with DD

[3xMama]

I would like to start talking with my 5.5yo DD about smoking, drugs, alcohol etc and why its bad, the laws, health repercussions etc. The catch is, DH is a smoker. I'm really struggling to come up with a way to talk about cigarettes without scaring the heck out of her that Daddy is going to get sick with these terrible diseases cigarettes cause. For that matter, I'm not big on looking this stuff up because I hate to think that DH could end up sick. So any ideas on how I discuss this with her without scaring her over her daddy's welfare??

And to be clear-DH does not smoke in the house, around the kids or in the family vehicle. If he comes in from having a smoke and smells strongly of smoke, I make him change clothes, wash his hands and brush his teeth. 

[tooraloora]

Does he have any interest in quitting? Any chance he might want in on this conversation?

I had the talk with DD when I was still a smoker. She was actually the one who brought it up, when she said that she was going to smoke when she grew up.  I explained to her that I started smoking when I was way too young and wasn't making very good decisions, and told her what an addiction is. I told her that I really regretted ever starting up in the first place, because even though it was bad for my body, stinky, gross, I didn't like the way I felt or all the coughing, and I wanted to not do it anymore, I was addicted and it was so hard to stop. I told her that she doesn't need to be making that sort of decision yet, when she was an adult it would be her call, but that I truly hoped that she would make smarter, better choices than I did and not start doing something so gross and bad for her body. I also promised that I was going to do my best to stop doing it, because I wanted to be healthy and live a long time. We didn't go into the specifics of the horrible things smoking can do, and I didn't feel that was appropriate just yet, but we've talked about it since, and we'll talk about it in the future. Imo, certain talks should be ongoing, providing information as the child in question is ready for it, instead of just just one big talk at a certain age, so that's what I go with. You don't have to hit her with everything at once.

[Learning_Mum]

I am a smoker and like PP I tell my boys that smoking is bad for your body and is really addictive and that I hope that when they grow up they never ever start smoking because it's so hard to give up once you do. That I wished I had never started smoking. Both boys seem to be very anti smoking so far and I hope it stays that way.

PS: Just before anyone starts going off I also never smoke in the house or the car or in any sort of confined space and try to keep away from the boys as much as humanly possible.

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PPs have said it very well.

You can also discuss cost with her.  Most kids and teens would rather buy "things" and be able to go spend money with friends than spend their paycheck or allowance on cigarettes.  If you point out how much it costs each week, then point out how much a day at the waterpark would cost, or a video game, or whatever she wants.  You can say "see?  You have money of your own to buy this, but if you smoked, you'd only be able to buy cigarettes.  

If you want to drag Daddy down guilt trip lane, you can blame something you  don't want to buy on Daddy  "No..honey, we can't afford a kitten...not ever... because Daddy smokes instead..... he would buy you a kitten, but he spend all of his kitten money on cigarettes"  Sigh.

[Imakcerka]

Most kids I know that have grown up with smoker parents never actually smoke.  In fact most of them are disgusted by it.  I started smoking when I was 13 with my older Cousin... who is now smoke free.  Jerk.  Anyway, if you just discuss the difficulty of quitting and the harm it CAN do to your body than I think that is enough.  Had someone pulled me aside and told me my Aunt Peggy sounded like a man, with nasty teeth, ugly skin and yellowed nails... I doubt and I mean DOUBT big time I'd have started smoking.  I was pretty vain as a teenager.  I didn't tan because my mom told me it would give me leathery skin! 

[Buzzer Beater]

Actually, kids whose parents smoke are twice as likely to start smoking.

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/31304.php

At some point you may have to tell her things that scare her, but keep it age appropriate somehow. My parents smoked, so did I until I got pg with dd1. My ex continued to smoke, and dd1 has never touched a cigarette. Her dad was the one to talk to her at length, and of course I supported him. He really really didn't want her to smoke, and she realized that at a young age. She did worry about him and his health from time to time. I'm not sure you can tell her the truth and have her never worry about her daddy. He's doing something that is very hard on his health and could have scary repercussions.

Good luck. I would start looking up age appropriate materials.

[Imakcerka]

May be very true, but I personally know quite a few that didn't and I think it had to do with the smoking parent telling them why they shouldn't.  Some parents don't even say anything to their teenagers that smoke and just throw up their hands.  That could be contributing factor for the ones that do. 
 

Originally Posted by Buzzer Beater 

Actually, kids whose parents smoke are twice as likely to start smoking.

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/releases/31304.php

At some point you may have to tell her things that scare her, but keep it age appropriate somehow. My parents smoked, so did I until I got pg with dd1. My ex continued to smoke, and dd1 has never touched a cigarette. Her dad was the one to talk to her at length, and of course I supported him. He really really didn't want her to smoke, and she realized that at a young age. She did worry about him and his health from time to time. I'm not sure you can tell her the truth and have her never worry about her daddy. He's doing something that is very hard on his health and could have scary repercussions.

Good luck. I would start looking up age appropriate materials.

[ollyoxenfree]

At her age, you may be able to talk with her about some of the negatives of smoking without getting into gory details about chronic obstructive lung disease, lung and mouth and throat cancers, heart disease, stroke, peripheral vascular problems, and shortened lifespans. It's probably enough to talk about how smoking makes it harder to get the big breaths that you need to run fast and climb hills and play sports and have that kind of fun. You can also talk about other problems - the stench, damage to clothes from burns, the environmental problems. 

It probably won't be long before she starts hearing about the serious health risks from smoking, either from public service ads or at school, or from playmates. It's probably a good idea to start the conversation now, but as pp have said, in an age-appropriate way. 

My father died due to lung cancer when my DS was a pre-schooler and DS was very close to him. I'm pretty sure DS will never smoke, but that's a hard way to learn that lesson. 

[A&A]

Dh told our kids that he wished he had never started smoking because it is really bad for his body.  And he tells them to never start.  I think this talk would be best coming from your dh.

And btw, if he quits before she turns 8, she will have no additional risk of being a smoker herself.  But if he's still smoking after she's 8, then yeah, odds are greater that she'll smoke (but boys are more likely to smoke than girls.) 

[Ohhedgehogs]

My dad has smoked my entire life. I have never even had contact with a Cigarette. I learned what would and could happen and I made the choice for myself.

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Originally Posted by Ohhedgehogs 

My dad has smoked my entire life. I have never even had contact with a Cigarette. I learned what would and could happen and I made the choice for myself.

My dad smoked my whole life too, but, I saw what it did to him, our house, our cars...etc, so I never wanted to look like he did, or go through what he did.  The sad part was, that he suffered so slowly, it wasn't like it was one big life changing event, it was many, many small things that made him unhappy and sick, and weak.  Plus, he looked so much older than my friend's dads.  

He smoked in his music room, and the windows were always coated with a brown film, it was really hard to wash that film off of the windows.  I can't imagine what my lungs look like now thanks to his second hand smoke.

My few friends who's parents smoked, also smoke now though, so I think it's more common to become a smoker if your parents smoke.

[meemee]

if your dh is willing, i think he would be the best person to talk to her about this. he is living it.

my dad was a smoker who quit when i was 10. i always wanted to smoke because of how the movie stars looked holding a ciggie.

but when i did try it was so nasty i never smoked again. 

in K dd's school did the ciggie talk. plus she went to the bodies exhibition and saw a smokers lung. that was enough. she didnt need words. 

[Tigerchild]

Is there something that happened now, or has your DD been asking you about it?

What is the reason (if this is not child-led) for you talking to her NOW about it?

I agree with others that it's probably a good idea to discuss this with your DH.  Or at least let him know that you want to start talking about it with her;  otherwise given the literal mind of the 5 year old, WHEN she starts freaking out and telling him how horrible it is (if she even knows that he smokes) he may think that you are passive aggressively trying to get him to quit.  Really he's probably your best ally in talking to your DD about why it's not a great idea to start.

I'm just wondering about the context here.  We did initiate talking about sex, sexual abuse, appropriate body boundaries, ect. because our kids hadn't really asked any body questions before they started preschool (and once my kid was going to be out of my direct line of sight supervision on a regular basis, I thought it was important that they know things beyond anatomically correct and 'no means no' just in a pragmatic sense).  At 5 it's not like she can go buy a pack of cigarettes, and most places she's likely to be away from you are also places that forbid smoking (School, daycare, extracurricular activities, homeschool group, the Y, ect).

If she hasn't noticed and doesn't care, it's going to go over her head (unless you make it all about how smoking kills you, in which case of course she's going to worry about Daddy if he smokes!) and won't really be educational.  If there's been an incident that might be more helpful in getting the discussion started in a context she can understand.

In any case, I think you two parents need to sit down and discuss this first.

[3xMama]

Thank you for all the replies! I will talk with DH about him having the talk with her. I did mention to him that I want to start talking to her about smoking and ask his opinion on how to talk about it without scaring her over his welfare and he just kinda shrugged and moved on with his day. Smoking is an embarrassment for him at this point so I'm pretty sure he's mostly just uncomfortable in overtly talking about it. Usually we tiptoe around the topic so being so forward about it is tough for him. I know he does want to quit but when he quit for about two months a year ago, he ended up very depressed. We've looked at other options for quitting, but we just don't have the resources at this point to put a lot into it.

Originally Posted by Tigerchild 

Is there something that happened now, or has your DD been asking you about it?

What is the reason (if this is not child-led) for you talking to her NOW about it?

I agree with others that it's probably a good idea to discuss this with your DH.  Or at least let him know that you want to start talking about it with her;  otherwise given the literal mind of the 5 year old, WHEN she starts freaking out and telling him how horrible it is (if she even knows that he smokes) he may think that you are passive aggressively trying to get him to quit.  Really he's probably your best ally in talking to your DD about why it's not a great idea to start.

I'm just wondering about the context here.  We did initiate talking about sex, sexual abuse, appropriate body boundaries, ect. because our kids hadn't really asked any body questions before they started preschool (and once my kid was going to be out of my direct line of sight supervision on a regular basis, I thought it was important that they know things beyond anatomically correct and 'no means no' just in a pragmatic sense).  At 5 it's not like she can go buy a pack of cigarettes, and most places she's likely to be away from you are also places that forbid smoking (School, daycare, extracurricular activities, homeschool group, the Y, ect).

If she hasn't noticed and doesn't care, it's going to go over her head (unless you make it all about how smoking kills you, in which case of course she's going to worry about Daddy if he smokes!) and won't really be educational.  If there's been an incident that might be more helpful in getting the discussion started in a context she can understand.

In any case, I think you two parents need to sit down and discuss this first.

I want to start talking to her about it because she's five and in public school. Its not going to be too long until she's in upper elementary/middle school and thats when a lot of kids start feeling the pressure to smoke/do drugs/experiment sexually. I want to have an open dialog with her about all of those things long before they become an issue. And since DH smokes she's statistically more likely to smoke so I want that especially to be discussed long before it could become an issue. I'm hoping DH will quit before DD really learns too much about it. Realistically, I'm pretty sure that won't happen. 

I think I'm going to sit down and talk with DH about talking to DD. Come up with a plan to give the very basic overview of why she shouldn't smoke. Smells bad, isn't good for you, Daddy wishes he hadn't started and how hard it is for him to stop. I'm also going to try and convince him to chat with her about it. Not in a "sit down let's talk" way but work it into the conversation naturally. He's actually quite a bit better at that stuff than I am, anyway. 

Thanks again for all the responses!

[journeymom]

when he quit for about two months a year ago, he ended up very depressed. We've looked at other options for quitting, but we just don't have the resources at this point to put a lot into it.

Bupropion is the medicine just for him.  Marketed as an antidepressant it's called Wellbutrin.  Marketed as an aid to help people stop smoking it's called Zyban. It works best with a supportive cessation program, like through a hospital or medical group. I know it can be had through discount medicine programs. I hope your dh will prioritize it!

In my opinion it's a miracle drug, because it helped my stubborn mother finally, finally quit after 53 years of smoking and multiple attempts to quit. 

By the way, my mom had the "don't you dare ever take up smoking, it's horrible and I regret starting" conversation with us.

[Imakcerka]

Oh man I tried wellbutrin.  I cleaned my car for 6 hrs.  I also still wanted to smoke.  I went to an 8 week course, took wellbutrin, used the patches and the gum.  I made it 3 months before I had an anxiety attack!   That crap freaked me out!  There is a new one on the marked but all of my friends who have tried it said they couldnt' stop taking it.  Once they stopped they wanted to smoke again.  A few of my friends took up smoking cigars.  Still smoking.  I quit another time and ended more depressed because I gained 30 lbs.  It's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  I know I've said I'm quitting on quitting, but I'm actually tapering off.  I'm down to 3 a day.  Which is better than what I was at.  Someday

[3xMama]

Originally Posted by journeymom 

Bupropion is the medicine just for him.  Marketed as an antidepressant it's called Wellbutrin.  Marketed as an aid to help people stop smoking it's called Zyban. It works best with a supportive cessation program, like through a hospital or medical group. I know it can be had through discount medicine programs. I hope your dh will prioritize it!

In my opinion it's a miracle drug, because it helped my stubborn mother finally, finally quit after 53 years of smoking and multiple attempts to quit. 

By the way, my mom had the "don't you dare ever take up smoking, it's horrible and I regret starting" conversation with us.

Thank you for this! I had no idea there was a drug specifically for this. From everything we found online it seemed like DH was a total anomaly so its nice to know he isn't! I will look into this more and discuss it with DH! I would love to find something that helped him quit! 

[Caneel]

Concerning smoking parents - my personal experience and what I have observed conflicts with what science tells us.  None of my childhood friends with hard smoking parents smoked, most never even tried it.  Then there are people like me (and my DH) whose parents/care givers/extended families/friends were non-smokers yet we started smoking young and continued to smoke even though no one around us smoked.  It doesn't make sense but goes to show what a powerful impact nicotine has on the brain.  

Originally Posted by 3xMama 

Thank you for this! I had no idea there was a drug specifically for this. From everything we found online it seemed like DH was a total anomaly so its nice to know he isn't! I will look into this more and discuss it with DH! I would love to find something that helped him quit! 

Goodness no!  I know plenty of people, myself included, that had severe depression after quiting smoking and not just for the first couple of hard days but months later.  I remember a friend saying she just didn't feel like herself (lacked energy, gained weight) even a year later and nothing she did (and she REALLY tried) helped except to start smoking again. 

I smoked on and off for my entire adult life (20+ years) and the longest I was smoke free was 2.5 years. I am nearly 2 years smoke free at the moment. 

Something that I will offer up to maybe offer a little insight to your husband's experiences is that even with all the horrible health risks of smoking, for many people (like me) smoking can be extremely pleasurable.  It feels good, it tastes good (weird, I know) and the actual physical act of smoking - taking a little break from an unpleasant task, for example - is a like a personal treat a smoker gives themselves.  Taking all of that away is depressing. 

As far as options for quitting, get on the website of local hospitals and universities.  Many run free quitting programs that are tied to research.  My first most successful quit attempt (the 2.5 year stretch) came as a result of a study.  That time, I took wellbutrin and used nicotine inhalers.  The combination was a wonder drug cocktail for me.  Taking wellbutrin first thing in the morning helped eliminate the "jumpiness" side effect. 

Our family doctor is seeing very good outcomes with Chantrix.  My husband took it and quit after the 3rd or 4th day (I was smoking at the time so it must have been very effective) BUT by week 9 or 10, he started having some rather drastic mental issues, which is a common side effect.  He stopped it prior to the recommended 12 week cycle was completed and have remained smoke free since.

[3xMama]

Originally Posted by Caneel 

Concerning smoking parents - my personal experience and what I have observed conflicts with what science tells us.  None of my childhood friends with hard smoking parents smoked, most never even tried it.  Then there are people like me (and my DH) whose parents/care givers/extended families/friends were non-smokers yet we started smoking young and continued to smoke even though no one around us smoked.  It doesn't make sense but goes to show what a powerful impact nicotine has on the brain.  

Goodness no!  I know plenty of people, myself included, that had severe depression after quiting smoking and not just for the first couple of hard days but months later.  I remember a friend saying she just didn't feel like herself (lacked energy, gained weight) even a year later and nothing she did (and she REALLY tried) helped except to start smoking again. 

I smoked on and off for my entire adult life (20+ years) and the longest I was smoke free was 2.5 years. I am nearly 2 years smoke free at the moment. 

Something that I will offer up to maybe offer a little insight to your husband's experiences is that even with all the horrible health risks of smoking, for many people (like me) smoking can be extremely pleasurable.  It feels good, it tastes good (weird, I know) and the actual physical act of smoking - taking a little break from an unpleasant task, for example - is a like a personal treat a smoker gives themselves.  Taking all of that away is depressing. 

As far as options for quitting, get on the website of local hospitals and universities.  Many run free quitting programs that are tied to research.  My first most successful quit attempt (the 2.5 year stretch) came as a result of a study.  That time, I took wellbutrin and used nicotine inhalers.  The combination was a wonder drug cocktail for me.  Taking wellbutrin first thing in the morning helped eliminate the "jumpiness" side effect. 

Our family doctor is seeing very good outcomes with Chantrix.  My husband took it and quit after the 3rd or 4th day (I was smoking at the time so it must have been very effective) BUT by week 9 or 10, he started having some rather drastic mental issues, which is a common side effect.  He stopped it prior to the recommended 12 week cycle was completed and have remained smoke free since.

DH is the same as you and your hubby-started smoking though no one around him smoked (well, his dad smoked but DH didn't know it at the time, as far as I know FIL still smokes just hides it well). Continues to do so even though no one around him does. 

I will look into smoking cessation studies in the area. I'm pretty sure our state offers free smoking cessation info but it includes using a nicotine patch. DH is totally against using a replacement nicotine substance because he doesn't want to get hooked on that, which I can understand. His dad has chewed nicotine gum regularly for close to ten years (on top of any smoking he's done) and DH doesn't want to end up just being addicted to a pill or a patch. Which ironically has a higher price than cigarettes....DH has thought about Chantrix, though I am jumpy about that one because of that mental issues that go along with it. We will have to look into it more. 

I am glad to know that plenty of other people have had depression for so long afterwards. Not because I want them to be depressed, its horrid, but just knowing that DH isn't so unusual and there is hope that he can quit without suffering through depression is fantastic!

Thanks for the reply!

[Caneel]

Originally Posted by 3xMama 

I will look into smoking cessation studies in the area. I'm pretty sure our state offers free smoking cessation info but it includes using a nicotine patch. DH is totally against using a replacement nicotine substance because he doesn't want to get hooked on that, which I can understand. His dad has chewed nicotine gum regularly for close to ten years (on top of any smoking he's done) and DH doesn't want to end up just being addicted to a pill or a patch. Which ironically has a higher price than cigarettes....DH has thought about Chantrix, though I am jumpy about that one because of that mental issues that go along with it. We will have to look into it more. 

I can understand this as I ended up likely the gum more than smoking, I essentially traded one for the other for a while before kicking the gum.  FWIW, kicking the gum wasn't nearly as hard as real cigs, it was a step-down process.

The patches are a little different because the dosage is gradually decreased and you don't get a buzz or the instant satisfaction from the patch like you do a smoke or the gum so it is easy to quit the patches.

Doing some research on what type of smoker your DH is will probably help him decide what type of drugs/replacement therapy he is comfortable with.  I was the type of smoker that could easily go 8+ hours at work and not even think about smoking but the second I got in the car or sipping a glass of wine, I absolutely had to smoke.  For me, the inhalers and later gum, really worked as a replacement.  As time passed, I learn to monitor my triggers and used the "hits" less and less.