So. Stressed. Needing support.

[IzzyTheTerrible]

So here's my situation in a nutshell.  Sorry for babbling in advance.

Keeping in mind that we do not have any other children and were in no position to care for one...

We have an 11 month old relative foster son, placed with us at 6 months right when I started school again, and we lost our house due to the landlord filing bankruptcy.  So here we are in a new house that should be condemned, every single week someone has to come to do repairs for basic things like oh, the toilet (which we've gone without for literally weeks at a time), heat (which took us 3 months to get), electric (2 circuits on a house? seriously people?). 

Anyway, so now my family - who talked us and DCF into placing the baby with us - is no longer talking to me, because the mother who had abandoned him suddenly changed her tune after officials became involved, so now all of a sudden we are trying to steal a baby, mixed up in a situation that we wanted nothing to do to begin with!

Ok, so where we are today - we can hardly get babysitting because he's in protective care and every single person we leave him with has to go through a complete background check before we can - which so far seems to take 3+ months!  We can't put him in daycare because my husband and I both work nights, so we're sinking hundreds of dollars into babysitting (my niece who has the background check run right away since she was our primary child care) because our bosses won't change our schedules so we can utilize coordinated childcare.

So we're broke.  I hardly see my husband.  When we do see each other, we're passing a baby back and forth that isn't even ours, that we love totally and completely but ... we've become so numb and frustrated in our situations that there are days and sometimes weeks a time that we can't wait to go to work so we can get a break from all the BS.

Some days I just want to start crying when I hear him whine, and others I frequently pick him up feeling very little in my heart but exhaustion.    Somehow I still manage to stay calm, but almost every day I find myself at some point gritting my teeth, and acting very mechanical towards him.

There's a real possibility that he might be placed with us permanently, and there's an equal possibility that he might go back to his bio mother - we won't know until his case plan is completed in September.

Anyway I feel like a horrible person and mother/foster mom.  Some days I sit on the floor and just let him climb all over me because I just don't have the heart to even play with him.  And on my days off when I have him to myself, I want to lay him down and just cry because I'm so beyond overwhelmed and I just feel so distant.  

I just want a date with my husband.  I want to be able to have sex without listening for a baby monitor cause we can only do it during the day.  I want to sleep through the night.  I want to not feel crazy. 

[Virginia Mom]

You're not crazy. It's mothehood....no matter how it came to you.  It will get better.  A quick question though...you said all sitters had to go thru background........aren't there special agencies that have already done this? And what's going on with the house situation? Are things still being repaired? What about a support group?

[IzzyTheTerrible]

Originally Posted by Virginia Mom 

You're not crazy. It's mothehood....no matter how it came to you.  It will get better.  A quick question though...you said all sitters had to go thru background........aren't there special agencies that have already done this? And what's going on with the house situation? Are things still being repaired? What about a support group?

They directed me to coordinated childcare, so I can get any of those individuals to babysit, but there's only a  few home day cares (our only option) in this area that I found have night and weekend schedules and they all made me feel very uncomfortable.  

In a few months I'll be able to change my shift, but in the meantime we have to make due.

And literally everything has gone wrong with the house.  Stuff gets fixed, but we literally do go weeks at a time without certain things, like hot water, toilet (we've gone a total of 4 weeks without a working toilet between all the incidents), electric in parts of the house - etc.  We're trying to get money together to move, but can't really get anyone involved until we are in a position to put a new roof over our heads.   Probably in 2-3 months we'll find a lawyer and have them help us break our lease.    It's just seriously a hell hole.

[KellyAnnW]

I have two kids from foster care. One was placed at 17 months and adopted by 2. The other was placed at 10 months and is currenty 13 months. I would highly recomended reading some books on attachment. Deborah gray Attaching in Adoptions (excellent start) It will take you and the baby a while to attach to one another. Theres nothing wrong with you not instantly loving the baby. I remember the first time i realized i really loved my 2 year old. Hubby and I were at the movies watching a movie. There was a part when humanity was doomed and all hope was lost. My mind and heart imediatly went to my daughter. I started to cry. All i could think about was how much I loved her, and how i would fight to my last breath to get her to safety. I'm on a rare date with my hubby and i start freaking out about my kid and how bad I want to hug her! We'd been her parents for almost a year at this point.

Also you should be entitled to daycare costs paid for by the state. Also respite care. You may have to push for these things, but you need them!

[MsDolphin]

Originally Posted by Virginia Mom 

You're not crazy. It's motherhood....no matter how it came to you.  It will get better. 

I agree.

Sorry to hear about the house issues and problem's with LO's biologic mother. I hope you can find the strength to get through it. Good luck mama!

[cat13]

I couldn't read without posting, but I don't have any advice. Just .

[branditopolis]

My parents went through a similar situation when they ended up with custody of my cousin's baby.  my cousin came by, left the baby at our house, and walked to the store.  she came back about 3 years later.  apparently she had a boyfriend pick her up and they moved to vegas for a while.  long story short though, a lot of times the state has programs for child care.  are you low income at all?  I'm considered low income and I applied for child care.  my mom has to do it since I work overnight too, but they pay her a little for the sleep lost and the hours of work she's had to cut since our shifts overlap.  It's kind of a hassle to report every single dollar and fill out forms and go to the appointments but at least neither of us are losing money.  Maybe that way you can start saving for a better place that isn't falling to pieces?  I bet even moving somewhere with less maintenance would be a load off your back. 

[Asiago]

Firstly bless you and your husband for taking in this innocent little baby. Secondly, it seems you may be able to get more feedback in additiol to the helpful replies here, in the Foster forum:

http://www.mothering.com/community/f/165/adoptive-and-foster-parenting

I would imagine you are stressed to the hilt, especially waiting for some direction and how to gear your emotions. September probably seems so far away right now. It all must be very difficult for you and your husband, not to mention for the little one.

Your little guy looks like a sweetheart (picture).