My BFF won't have her son apologize to my DD for hitting her in the eye, giving her a bruise!

[Lollicups]

I visited my BFF over the Holidays.  They had just moved and I was excited to see their new home.  I love my BFF, but let's face it, her kids run around the house like wild indians.  She bubble wraps her kids, and thinks her kids never do wrong.  SHe has a DD who is 8, and a DS who is 3 1/2.  The kids were in the other room playing when the 8 year old witnessed her brother sitting my DD in the face several times.  Of course, my DD hit back, then I heard this scream of pain coming from my DD.  Her son hit my DD, and she fell backwards.  The next day, she had a bruise on her cheek.  Now, mind you, my DD was throwing a soft large ball and hit their son on the forehead.  You should have seen the dad come running after their son and getting in my DD's face, shaking his finger and pointing at her face, yelling at her!   And, this is OK?   But when their kids do anything, the kids are never held responsible.  A few days later, we talked on the phone, and I had just mentioned the bruise on my DD's cheek, and of midly chuckled (even though I was pissed), and said kids will be kids.  She sad angrily back, "Why do you want him to appologize to her NOW?!"   Then, she cut the call short and hung up.  It's been over a week, and she has not called me, and I haven't called her.  Right now, I am pissed.  Her kids are brats, and their oldest DD is spoiled and lazy, and their little boy is a total mamma's boy that never does wrong.  Thanks for letting me bent.  How should I handle this?  Does she really think it's OK that maybe her kids aren't little  angels!

Edited by Lollicups - 2/15/12 at 11:14am

[One_Girl]

I suggeat letting it go but you should stop having the kids around each other unsupervised. Young unsupervised kids tend to get violent no matter who they are raised by because they often don't have the skills to verbalize their emotions, especially when they are faced with conflict.

I also suggest not allowing another person to yell at your child, standing up for their kid is five but yelling isn't. I tend to say something like "I've got this" and remove my child to talk.

[lovepickles]

I honestly don't think an apology from the 3 1/2 year old is going to change anything, especially if it is forced. It sounds like his act was very violent and his dad was overly aggressive with your child. Your BFF also sounds like she's really lacking in the communication department as well. Why are you spending time with these people?

I have walked away from a BFF who was very rude to my (now) husband. I would suggest you save yourself the trouble of untangling their emotional issues and stop contacting her. IF she has the presence of mind to apologize to you (sincerely) for her son's behavior then you might want to carefully see if the relationship can be salvaged ... but my guess is that isn't going to happen given her parental ego.

Let them go. If the the adults come back with an apology then maybe they were really friends to begin with. If not, they are doing you a favor.

[Lollicups]

Me and my BFF went from talking a few times a week, to nothing at all.  We hadn't talked in nearly a month, (I was still upset and didn't want to talk), so she calls me to chat.  It was superficial and uninteresting.  Then, we soon ended the call, and said, "I'd like to talk to you about something, but later when I'm ready."  It's been nearly two weeks and no phone call.  

Mind you, she thinks her kids are perfect and do no wrong.  I fact, her oldest 7 year old DD gets a huge birthday party with tons of gifts EVERY YEAR, but yet my friend fails to recognize that she doesn't do well in school and overpraises her, and she is lazy.  Her Mother has paved the road for her without any bumps or disappointments.  Her DD was pulled out of 3 schools because her parents thought it was the schools fault why her DD wasn't learning and was failing Kindergarden!  They refuse to believe their DD has ADD.  She is a helipcopter Mom who won't let their almost 3 year old touch  dirt -- seriously!

Nevertheless, I am hurt and miss our friendship.  I don't know what to do.  

[4evermom]

Well maybe she doesn't want to be friends with a judgmental person who refers to her child as a "little sh*t."

3 yos, boys in particular, respond physically rather than verbally to things. If they get hurt, even just hurt feelings from being called a name, they will most likely respond physically by shoving or hitting. Getting him to apologize would be pointless since your dd hurt him first. He wouldn't mean it and he'd just resent your dd more. Of course his retaliation should have been intercepted by an adult. That's why you don't leave young kids alone together.

Try leaving your kids out of your friendship and get together without them for coffee or something if your friend is important to you.

[canadianhippie]

Originally Posted by 4evermom 

Well maybe she doesn't want to be friends with a judgmental person who refers to her child as a "little sh*t."

lol woah, I understand why she said it

I would cut the friend off, I've done it too, I didnt want to associate with her behaviour and I did not want our children playing together. Her son was the same age as the DS, and since when as adults, who still love all children, need to just love and adore ALL children, there's some pain in arse kids out there....and yea, I said it 

he would steal every single toy my younger babe would have, steal his pacifier (at the time) and run away with it, would do nothing but demand and whine, was taught it was ok to rub his penis, anywhere, anytime, and would compulsively do so, it was werid, anyways this wasnt a bright, confident, kind child I wanted around my son, so havent let them play in 8 months. And the mom, same thing, we wont hang out again

Nothing wrong with letting go, I totally get how your feeling 

and the dad stepping in like that? what kind of a fun playdate is that, this does not seem like the family for you 

[Imakcerka]

WHOA...

So after your child threw the soft ball at the ds...  he hit her and she fell to the ground.  That's when the father came in and yelled at the crying child which was yours... still on the ground?  If I got this wrong correct me... then tell my why the toddler has to apologize, not the father and why you would even still want to be friends with these people.

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

Originally Posted by 4evermom 

Well maybe she doesn't want to be friends with a judgmental person who refers to her child as a "little sh*t."

Yeah that.    Try not to be mad at kids for just being kids.  However, it doesn't sound like the adults handled the situation very well.  I have no idea how to MAKE a child apologize either.  And what's the point if the child really isn't sorry?  As far as parenting this kind of situation, you have to go deeper and talk to them about friendship and trust to bring them up to a more mature level of understanding.  Begin with the child's perspective and understand it, not condemn it.  Listen to them say their piece (they do have reasons for doing what they did), then build on it for the next step of development.  This takes time and work and discussion. 

I want to believe in all children.  It is pretty evil to believe a three year old is a little shit. 

[Lollicups]

OK, I apologize for saying the 3 YO is a little sh*t -- I've deleted it, and I was angry at first.  I feel bad and want to say I'm sorry, when I should blame the parents.  I have been very sad lately that my BFF doesn't call me anymore,  The last time we talked, I said I need to talk about something that's been bothering me.  My BFF thinks her kids are perfect and do no wrong.  Maybe it's time top let her have her time alone?   I can't believe my BBF is letting me go and would   rather take the side of her kids so drastically that they do nothing wrong.  It bothers me greatly.  I need    a new BFF, but I am sad about it.    : (

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Lollicups 

OK, I apologize for saying the 3 YO is a little sh*t -- I've deleted it, and I was angry at first.  I feel bad and want to say I'm sorry, when I should blame the parents.  I have been very sad lately that my BFF doesn't call me anymore,  The last time we talked, I said I need to talk about something that's been bothering me.  My BFF thinks her kids are perfect and do no wrong.  Maybe it's time top let her have her time alone?   I can't believe my BBF is letting me go and would   rather take the side of her kids so drastically that they do nothing wrong.  It bothers me greatly.  I need    a new BFF, but I am sad about it.    : (

Yeah it doesn't sound like you guys are compatible anymore... Why would you want to be friends with someone you seem to have so little respect for? And why would you let someone yell at your kid like that? I think it's time to let the friendship go & find a new best friend...

[4evermom]

I'm not sure you are going to get far with the attitude that your bff should admit her kids do things wrong. It just isn't constructive. It isn't an issue with sides. Kids are little developing humans that generally have reasons for what they do even if what they do isn't socially acceptable or pleasant. Understanding them and empathizing is going to go farther than condemning them. After you understand them, it's easier to guide them to behave more appropriately. Mamas are supposed to protect their young above all else. You're surprised that your bff does?

[SweetSilver]

I am not one for forced apologies, either, and even if the kids weren't running around "wild" they still might have gotten into an altercation.  It is age appropriate.  Personally I would have apologized profusely to my friend, even with the understanding that these things really just happen.  I would do it in part because I want to show my kids what a sincere apology looks and sounds like.  I would also try to get the kids to have some words about what exactly happened, to hear all sides of the story.  These are little kids, and it is not misbehavior of little hooligans, it is just kids not having enough filters for their behavior due simply to their age.

So, yeah, I would apologize, and I would hope that we could talk about this and move on from.

Now, the dad's behavior was completely unacceptable.  I understand his feelings, but HIS filters need some fine tuning.  That is what I would really focus on, because I would not come over if this happened again.

In the end, if I just couldn't get past the craziness of the house, I would try to keep the friendship outside the kids, like a pp suggested.  However, if my bff knew that we were doing that because I hate being around her kids, hate bringing my kids into her house, and am otherwise judgmental, I could not expect her to even *want* to maintain the friendship.  I don't know if I personally would want to be around someone who disapproved of my parenting style so much, even if we had once been "BFF".

[Sarasyn]

I have to agree with everyone who said they don't really do the forced apology thing.  Perhaps a different way to handle it would be to suggest that your daughter was really hurt by it and ask the 3 year old how he thinks she feels, how he feels about it, and what he can do to make her feel better.  Maybe he would want to apologize, or maybe he just doesn't care.  When bringing that situation up to another parent, I wouldn't demand an apology, I'd just say, "This situation happened and I'm really uncomfortable with it.  This is how I feel about the situation.  This is how my daughter feels.  What can we do to make it better?"  The same goes for the dad getting up in your daughter's face.

Well, side-note on the dad situation, I wouldn't have ever let that happen, not that I'm saying what I would do is right.  Actually, I'm sure there are better ways to handle the situation than what I would do.  I would have intervened and gotten right up in the dad's face telling him he's got no right to talk to a child like that, much less MY child, and he needs to back off.  Once he was out of the picture, I would have asked my daughter if she meant to do it (accidents happen when playing ball), how she thinks he feels, how she feels about it, and what she could do to make him feel better and prevent it from happening again.  I'd like to think I'd handle it well on my child's side, but with the other parent, my tactics could use some work.  Well, at least I'm honest!

As for the friend, I'd tell her how I felt about the way her husband acted over the ball situation.  Then I'd ask how she felt about it.  I'd try and talk through what we could do to prevent it from happening again.  If she was really willing to work with me, then obviously she's dedicated to keeping the friendship strong.  If she blew me off, obviously she doesn't think my feelings and my child's feelings are important.  If that's the case, why be friends with her?

I have to admit, if I were in your friends shoes and I might feel like my friend was being too judgmental of me.  Just because our parenting styles don't match doesn't mean I'm wrong.  I almost lost a friendship because a friend of mine told me exactly why she was concerned about my parenting and I turned around and told her exactly why I was so concerned about hers.  In the end it all worked out and I'd like to think we both became better parents because of it, but that's not always how things work.  The best I can suggest is to talk to your friend openly and honestly, and if that doesn't work, move on.  Find friends who actually care about your feelings and the feelings of your children.

[nextcommercial]

I would drop it and move on.  You are being over reactive and overprotective.  

BUT.. I do agree that some kids are brats, even at three, they can be brats, or act bratty sometimes.   There's nothing wrong with you feeling angry at them.  I wouldn't like having somebody hit my child either.  I got very upset when someone hurt my child.  Even if it was an accident, I still got upset.  Looking back, I shouldn't have been that upset.

However, this little boy isn't going to remember it, or even care.  It happened a long time ago, he has moved on, and will not be sorry anyway.  He's just a little boy.  He's probably not a total brat...but, maybe he was being mean that day... it doesn't really mean he's always like this.  We all have moments of meanness.   We've all hurt others.  Do you remember each time you hurt someone else when you were three years old?  I bet you can't remember a single event where you hurt someone at that age....because you were just a little kid.  It wasn't something you thought about later, you didn't feel guilt later because at that age, you couldn't.  It doesn't mean you never hurt anybody... you just don't have any memory of it.

I don't think children are really accountable for these actions until about age six or seven.  Not that I wouldn't hold a child responsible for what they do at age three... I just don't think they are old enough to make a choice and then feel guilty about it three months later.  

[Lollicups]

Thanks for all your replies, I am not angry at the child for hitting my DD, giving her a bruise, I am angry at the parents.  Why is it OK for my BFF's DH to yell at my child, or when we were at a restaurant, why did he think it was OK to reprimand my DD, when she was only playing with Christmas decorations by the table?  Mind you, she was only touching them because she was curious.  

What makes me angry is the 'my kids are perfect and do no wrong, therefore, you're the bad parent, and you should know that!' attitude.  I am so sad over this, and have cried almost every day.  We have been such great friends since grade school, we have been through good and bad times, and she has always been such a good friend, always there for me, and visa versa.  But, what pisses me off (yes, I am still angry), is the attitude that my DD is rotten and her kids are awesome.  Trust me, they are not perfect, but I never say anything!  And, by her not calling, she is sending me a message that she thinks her kids do no wrong!  In fact, when I mentioned the bruise to her, she angrily said, 'I DIDN'T see a bruise!"  Well, it takes a day or so for the bruise to show up!  Why can't she apologize for her son!

Edited by Lollicups - 3/6/12 at 2:26am

[4evermom]

Try to get together without the DH. He sounds like a piece of work and your BFF will always be caught between the two of you in any interaction/disagreement. She's going to side with him because she has more vested in her relationship being smooth with him (being married, having kids together).