My son acts like a girl - help me please! - Page 2

[treeoflife3]

a man like your SON makes you want to throw up?  oh what a coincidence!  A mom like you makes ME want to throw up!

Hey guess what!  Some 2 year olds move slowly and want to watch the action!  My kid does that.  She is plenty active but with new people and new situations, she wants to just sit back and watch for awhile.  It has nothing to do with being a GIRL you sexist half brain.  It has everything to do with her coming to an age where she understands that social situations require a certain behavior and she wants to be sure she knows it by watching others first.

Tons of people, men and women, aren't very active.  and tons of people, men and women, are.  Again sexist lady, it has nothing to do with whether they are men or women but what their interests are.  I can't stand sports.  My husband is wholly uninterested in being any more active than required for his job.  It doesn't mean any of us are LAZY.. we still get everything done that needs to be done.  We are still healthy.  We are also HAPPY.

Your kid is only 2 and you are already yelling at him about being lazy.  You are already nagging and fighting with him and getting mad when his pace isn't the same as yours.  When he hits those teenage rebellious years and never wants to be around you and says he doesn't like you?  Remember how you were calling him a LAZY ASS when he was only TWO and already telling him he's acting like a girl... and ask yourself if it's just teenage rebellion or if you brought it on your damn self.

He's two.  He needs a loving supporting home, unconditionally.  He doesn't need to be told he's lazy and acting too much like a girl.  He needs you to love him and find ways to give him an environment he needs.  If he won't ride his trike around the block, what about in the drive way?  what about playing in the yard?  Maybe he'd do better in a gymnastics class for exercise.  figure out what he needs rather than treating him like scum for not fitting into what YOU want.

[Imakcerka]

Hey all, we shouldn't be bullying this woman.  She's just closed minded and set in an idea that honestly is detrimental to raising a healthy child.  Lets just tell her she needs to rethink her mindset and move on.  She's obviously too entrenched in this negative thought pattern that we all might be wasting out time anyway.

[TCMoulton]

The fact that you feel that a lazy ass boy (your words not mine) = a girl really disgusts me, and not just because I have two daughters. I hope your son never hears any of the thoughts you posted because it would certainly be incredibly hurtful to him.

[stik]

It sounds like you're in a classic power struggle.  Inside, your ds acts out because he wants your attention.  Outside, he acts out in a different way, again, because he wants your attention.  His gender has nothing to do with this - he's expressing his toddler-hood.  Toddlers act out to test their power in the world.  When your son gets your attention, he's powerful. 

The only way to change his behavior is to change your behavior.  Re-structure your space so that there are fewer ways for your son to get into trouble outside.  How can you avoid having areas in your house where your son isn't allowed to step?  What's the safe place in your house for him to run and jump?  Try to minimize your intervention to health and safety issues, and praise the behavior you want to see so that he gan exercise his power in a positive way.  When you're outside, try to find some zen with his choices.  He's going to do what he wants to do.  You don't need to find ways to make him run.  He will want to do it on his own eventually.  As much as you can, focus on the positive.  Make sure he feels your approval when he is approaching or attempting the exercise you want him to get.  When he's not doing as much, take a breath, step back, let him do what he needs to.  Save your intervention for when it's needed for health and safety. 

Short of maiming household pets, I can't think of anything my children could conceivably do that would make me want to throw up.  And my kids are no angels - my 3yo made herself barf at the dinner table when we failed to honor her objections to tofu, and we once had to have a very serious talk with our 10yo about exactly how not OK it is to tell your little sister that if she takes a break from Candyland to use the bathroom, you're going to put the game away and stop playing with her.  Just like your conflicts with your ds, these situations were both about power.  Your feeling that your son's behavior is repulsive suggests that you've let yourself get over-invested in controlling your child's behavior.  I don't know how the gender issue wound up in there, but I'm going to guess it reflects a long personal history of living with gender-specific expectations for behavior.  For 2-10 year-olds, age and development play a much bigger role in determining behavior than gender (and even then, only because girls are starting to hit puberty and the hormones can be wacky).  Certainly, you're not going to improve your son's behavior by telling him he's too girly.  Step back, take a deep breath, try to find a little zen. 

[nextcommercial]

OK.. first, I'm just going to say it.  WHY is it always so bad to act like a girl?  It's bad if girls act like girls, it's bad if boys act like girls.  "You throw like a girl" "You run like a girl"  I am a girl, I have a daughter, why are girls always the less preferred sex around here?

ANYWAY..... Back to the subject.  There are very different kind's of kids.  Some are the daredevils, some are the observers, some need to watch for a while, then they feel more comfortable and join in.  We are all born with different temperaments.  Not every kid fits well into his family.  But, usually as we all grow together, we find out we like those parts of our kids more than we thought we would.

My own daughter didn't really fit into the ideas I had of her.  I gave her a strong name that I thought would fit her well, and I bought her the kind's of clothes I thought would be her personality....but, pretty soon, she let me know that she isn't the person I envisioned.  She had her own ways of doing things, she liked different things than I wanted her to like.  

I put her in soccer, because that's what the cool kids do.  She ran a little, but never really tried.  She's not competitive.  So, I put her in gymnastics...but, turned out, she wasn't a risk taker.  So, I begrudgingly put her in dance.... I hated the idea of being a dance mom... of walking around carrying a pink satin bag with little tap shoes and tights...but, I thought I'd give it a try... I sat in the room with moms who wore bedazzled blue jeans and high heels, and shirts with rhinestones.  (gag)  My daughter came out happy and excited for her next class.... she pretended to tap dance ALL.  THE.  TIME.  Everywhere.  She learned to shimmy, and shimmied all over the house.  It was annoying for a while.

But, by the end of the first year, I was hooked too.  I loved it, I loved spraying sparkle spray on the girls, I loved making bows and scrunchies for her hair.   I'm still friends with all those bedazzled women.

So, it took me five years, but I figured out that my daughter was exactly the kid  I needed, and fit my lifestyle perfectly.  

She's slow, she's pokey, she takes forever to get from the car to the store...it still drives me nuts.  But, I live with it.

Now, she's grown, and she's a total geek..... her geekieness is beyond my comprehension.  So, when I was buying gifts for her, I went to Etsy, found things I thought she might like, then asked the owner of the Etsy store to explain it to me, and help me buy her weird "DR Who" Iphone case and T-shirt.  She's a weird girl, but I am learning to embrace her weirdness, and respect that I usually have NO clue what she's talking about. 

[ollyoxenfree]

Okay, OP, you've had some harsh, but honest, responses, so I'm going to take a deep breath and moderate my own reply and focus on your concerns about your son's activity level and behaviour. 

1. It is completely normal and typical for some children to watch others at play and take their time before joining in, if they ever do. Perhaps he likes individual play rather than group/team play. Perhaps he's introverted and needs time to gauge how others are playing and needs to make a personal connection before he joins in with others. Perhaps he's perfectionistic and needs to be sure that he won't mess up before he tries an activity. Perhaps he's content to enjoy the theatrics of others, rather than performing himself. None of those things is bad or evil. None of them reveals a horrible fatal personality flaw.

2. Upthread, a pp mentioned sensory overload as a possible explanation for his hesitation and inactivity. Another possible explanation is that he has low muscle tone and/or a tendency to early muscle fatigue. This isn't a disability requiring therapy but it does tend to affect activity levels. Sports like swimming, gymnastics and dance (yes, boys dance and it requires a huge amount of athletic ability) are helpful to develop overall muscle tone, strength and endurance. 

3. I really hesitate to raise this next possibility, but I hope you will consider it with empathy and understanding for your son, and not blame or fault. Perhaps this is a way that he has found (not consciously or intentionally) to keep your attention and get you involved with playing with him, rather than focusing on the baby. Even if you are giving him mostly negative attention and critical feedback while he is at the playground, he may be craving some one-on-one time with you. It is a negative cycle with him engaging in behaviour that you disapprove of, but it attracts your attention and involvement. I have no idea if this is the case. If it is, then the answer is to give him lots of positive support and attention and encouragement, not just at the playground but otherwise as well. 

I agree with promoting healthy, active lifestyles, but the emphasis must be on *healthy* - not just physical health, but also emotional and psychological too. Help him figure out what kinds of activity he enjoys and wants to participate in, and support him in those endeavours.  

FWIW, I agree with pp that you need to examine your attitudes about gender and play and your emotions and reactions to your son, and work on accepting him as he is, not as you want him to be.

[hildare]

olly, you're so smart.  and nice. 

[ErinYay]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

2. Upthread, a pp mentioned sensory overload as a possible explanation for his hesitation and inactivity. Another possible explanation is that he has low muscle tone and/or a tendency to early muscle fatigue. This isn't a disability requiring therapy but it does tend to affect activity levels. Sports like swimming, gymnastics and dance (yes, boys dance and it requires a huge amount of athletic ability) are helpful to develop overall muscle tone, strength and endurance. 

This. Though, honestly, an OT evaluation wouldn't hurt. Unaddressed sensory issues can often look like a slow, pokey kid (or a hyper, off-the-wall kid, like my "boyish" little girl), and both tone and sensory issues can leave long-lasting problems when not picked up early.

[Peony]

I have a 2.5y DS that often just watches. His favorite thing on the playground is the swing, he will sit in one for hours and hours. When I finally can not push anymore, he gets down, makes one circle around the playground and comes right back to the swings signing more. Ok, then. He does run and jump just not always when I'd like him to. Like at the playground where he can burn off some energy instead of bouncing off my couches at home, but oh why. Kids this age learn by watching while he is standing there watching other children play, he is making important observations about ay too many things to list and yes some of them might be, "well, I certainly don't want to do that." but is is important behavior anyway. He may too be overwhelmed to run around at a park or join in with other children, a 2 year old is still very immature. And if he turns out not to be a rockstar at sports that is ok, there are many, many people out there that would rather do something else then play baseball, just my example of a sport. And they are all ok. The more you try to force children to be what you what them to be, the more they do the exact opposite. And I do say it from experience coming from a family where my father prized sports over anything else. ANd I was the uncoordinated child that just couldn't do it, and I didn't want to, I would rather study or read a book. It developed into a lifelong fear of doing anything like that in front of other people. I would love to take an exercise class but I'm too scared to even do that. Someday I will work on that fear but for now, I stick to work out in the safety of my own house where no one can laugh or taunt me, I know that really wouldn't happen, but 30 years later, my father's words still echo in my mind, wanting me to try harder, to be better, that I could do it, when I just could not, that was my best. And me. Very accident prone me, gave birth to a girl who is obsessed with sports, and quite talented at many, many of them. Our children are who they are. 

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by hildare 

olly, you're so smart.  and nice. 

Aww, thanks  ! Although, in this case, honestly it was easy to swallow what I was originally going to write because so many got there before me! 

[~Boudicca~]

Please, tell me this post is a joke...did someone hack your account?  And is posting bizarre, sexist things under your name?  If not, you really need to relax.  He's 2.  Not a man, a little, little boy, who is testing the waters and taking his time.  The disgust in your post about your son makes me really sad for him and I hope you can work through it so you don't perpetuate your lack of respect for him for the rest of his life.

And if it seems as though he is inactive because of a sensory/physical issue rather than your warped perspective, then yes I agree with posters above about the OT evaluation.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by ~Boudicca~ 

Please, tell me this post is a joke...did someone hack your account?  And is posting bizarre, sexist things under your name?  If not, you really need to relax.  He's 2.  Not a man, a little, little boy, who is testing the waters and taking his time.  The disgust in your post about your son makes me really sad for him and I hope you can work through it so you don't perpetuate your lack of respect for him for the rest of his life.

And if it seems as though he is inactive because of a sensory/physical issue rather than your warped perspective, then yes I agree with posters above about the OT evaluation.

I don't see it as disgust at all.  She's frustrated with the slowness, and unwillingness to try new things.  She's not disgusted with him.  We all get frustrated with our kids from time to time.  

[ErinYay]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial 

I don't see it as disgust at all.  She's frustrated with the slowness, and unwillingness to try new things.  She's not disgusted with him.  We all get frustrated with our kids from time to time.  

I don't know. "Sickened," "lazy ass," being embarrassed by a 2.5 yr old who prefers to watch others - those aren't the phrases people use to describe typical, healthy feelings about their children, never mind the incredibly offensive and damaging gender expectations. 

[Lazurii]

Originally Posted by Mamaluu 
A man like him would just make me want to throw up, and I can't even wrap my thought around the fact that this is my son at 2.5 y.o we're speaking and what kind of man (if at all) he's going to grow up to be. 

Um, this sounds like she's disgusted with her son, not just frustrated.

[coffeegirl]

OP- have you considered maybe your son doesn't like being outside? He could be sensitive to the sun, maybe doesn't like extremes in weather or possibly has allergies that make him feel itchy/icky in a non-specific way that he wouldn't be able to verbalize to you yet. I was real sensitive to the sun when I was a kid. I got very sluggish and tired. But put me in a gym with other kids or outside on a cloudy day and I was full of energy. Just a thought.

[ErinYay]

Originally Posted by coffeegirl 

OP- have you considered maybe your son doesn't like being outside? He could be sensitive to the sun, maybe doesn't like extremes in weather or possibly has allergies that make him feel itchy/icky in a non-specific way that he wouldn't be able to verbalize to you yet. I was real sensitive to the sun when I was a kid. I got very sluggish and tired. But put me in a gym with other kids or outside on a cloudy day and I was full of energy. Just a thought.

In addition to this, something an OT eval would help determine, have you had your boy's eyes checked? Some kids can seem standoffish when they actually can't even really see what's going on- climbing a slide would be terrifying if you couldn't see how high it is, etc.

If you really feel strongly that his behavior is not typical, go through medical rule-outs *first*. Standoffishness can be indicative of anything from personality type to ASDs. 

If it turns out there's something *off* with him, you're going to really hate yourself for judging him so harshly.

Also? HE'S 2.5. Toddlers are weird ducks, even perfectly neurotypical ones.

[~Boudicca~]

Originally Posted by Mamaluu 

My almost 2.5 year old son is acting like a girl (or just being a very lazy boy) and it really bothers me.  I cannot get him to do anything active. 

Every time I take him to playground all that he ever wants to do is swing.  He rarely ever wants to climb up and go on the slide or do anything that requires moving.  Even when he's on the swing he doesn't want to move his legs back and forth to swing himself.  With a baby in the carrier, I can't exactly chase him on the playground to make him climb, run, etc.  But I do a lot of verbal encouragement and physical chasing (as much as I can) to encourage him to go climb but he never wants to and it makes me want to pull my hair when at the end of my acting/chasing/jumping-around/being-exciting or what not all I hear is "i wanna go on the swing".  I cannot believe a child, especially a boy, can be this inactive!

Another thing, he loves to bike (tricycle) and he always wants to bike but every time I take him out on his bike around the neighborhood he moves (peddles) at the slowest speed possible I get tired just standing there waiting for him to get moving. Every time I take him out (1-2times daily) I end up totally annoyed and upset about his pace and my nagging, and I honestly do not enjoy taking him out at all at this point.  I spend the whole outing (just around the block) fighting with him because I'm trying to get him to go by saying or physically pushing his bike from behind and he absolutely refuses me to push him because he wants to "do it by myself", and then he doesn't!

Whenever we see kids playing in the neighborhood, he would stop to watch and never move again. He just stands there and watches and watches and watches and I can't get him to leave.  Many times I'm so embarrased that he is watching so much.  By the way what can I do about this?  Is this even common for this age?

This problem bothers me at many levels. 1) It is not healthy that he doesn't get any regular exercise at all, and exercising as part of self-care and wellness is a very important value of mine that I want to pass on to my kids from a very young age.  2) I expect a boy (a man) to be active, energetic and athletic. A man like him would just make me want to throw up, and I can't even wrap my thought around the fact that this is my son at 2.5 y.o we're speaking and what kind of man (if at all) he's going to grow up to be.  3)  Laziness is a trait that I absolutely cannot live with and again I can't believe this is my son!  4) It just makes me mad that I'm totally tired chasing, jumping, yelling, dancing, being exciting, just to get him to move his body and he won't move a single bit. I feel like the biggest idiot, and you know what makes me even angrier?- him misbehaving (throwing, banging, jumping & stepping where he's not supposed to) in the house clearly saying that he's got access energy that needs to be released and I take him outside and he acts like an unmovable stone.

Maybe this post wasn't titled that well - I don't believe girls would even act like this; I should have probably just said that my son is a lazy ass!  (sounds terribly mean but this laziness)  Help please!  What can I do to help him be more active?  (the put on music and dance ideas obviously doesn't work here, we're talking a living stone here!)

Originally Posted by ErinYay 

I don't know. "Sickened," "lazy ass," being embarrassed by a 2.5 yr old who prefers to watch others - those aren't the phrases people use to describe typical, healthy feelings about their children, never mind the incredibly offensive and damaging gender expectations. 

This is the stuff I'm referring too.  Yeah, I've definitely been frustrated and annoyed by my kids, but I feel like from the OP's post that her feelings have wandered from typical OMG-my-kid-and-his-weird-ways-are-bugging-the-crap-out-of-me to straight up thinly veiled dislike for a little kid.  I think it is worth her really exploring why she feels so strongly about how "manly" her 2 y/o is acting.

[zebu]

OP, I hope we haven't scared you away, because I can maybe, kind of, sort of relate in a way.

But first, if you have a problem with your son liking only the swing at the playground, then that is a problem with you being over-critical.  If you have a problem with men who prefer quieter activities over athletics, then you are being over-critical.  I've looked up some of your old posts.  If you feel like there's always something about your boy needs to be fixed, then you are being over-critical.  This is a very hard thing to admit, but I know about being over-critical because I've been there.  I'm inclined to criticize, because I had three very over-critical parents.  It's taken a lot of work to break that pattern.  Learning radical acceptance helped me tremendously.  Please take a look at it.  Good luck to you!

[MsDolphin]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

Okay, OP, you've had some harsh, but honest, responses, so I'm going to take a deep breath and moderate my own reply and focus on your concerns about your son's activity level and behaviour. 

1. It is completely normal and typical for some children to watch others at play and take their time before joining in, if they ever do. Perhaps he likes individual play rather than group/team play. Perhaps he's introverted and needs time to gauge how others are playing and needs to make a personal connection before he joins in with others. Perhaps he's perfectionistic and needs to be sure that he won't mess up before he tries an activity. Perhaps he's content to enjoy the theatrics of others, rather than performing himself. None of those things is bad or evil. None of them reveals a horrible fatal personality flaw.

2. Upthread, a pp mentioned sensory overload as a possible explanation for his hesitation and inactivity. Another possible explanation is that he has low muscle tone and/or a tendency to early muscle fatigue. This isn't a disability requiring therapy but it does tend to affect activity levels. Sports like swimming, gymnastics and dance (yes, boys dance and it requires a huge amount of athletic ability) are helpful to develop overall muscle tone, strength and endurance. 

3. I really hesitate to raise this next possibility, but I hope you will consider it with empathy and understanding for your son, and not blame or fault. Perhaps this is a way that he has found (not consciously or intentionally) to keep your attention and get you involved with playing with him, rather than focusing on the baby. Even if you are giving him mostly negative attention and critical feedback while he is at the playground, he may be craving some one-on-one time with you. It is a negative cycle with him engaging in behaviour that you disapprove of, but it attracts your attention and involvement. I have no idea if this is the case. If it is, then the answer is to give him lots of positive support and attention and encouragement, not just at the playground but otherwise as well. 

I agree with promoting healthy, active lifestyles, but the emphasis must be on *healthy* - not just physical health, but also emotional and psychological too. Help him figure out what kinds of activity he enjoys and wants to participate in, and support him in those endeavours.  

FWIW, I agree with pp that you need to examine your attitudes about gender and play and your emotions and reactions to your son, and work on accepting him as he is, not as you want him to be.

Well said.

To OP - first I think your thread is mis-titled. It would have been better than say "My toddler is in-active ... please help me". I think it's normal for toddlers to stare at other children playing. My DS (16 months) does it all the time when we are out walking or at a park. I think it's just they way to sit back and observe, they may not yet know how to go interact and join in the playing. If you think your DS's level of activity is that low, I think you should ask your doctor about it.
 

[Snowflake777]

OP, the way you talk about your child hurts my heart. Poor kid.