My son acts like a girl - help me please! - Page 3

[fizgig]

Wow, I will try to be constructive but I will also be perfectly blunt.  I think you need serious therapy as soon as possible.  Your son can surely sense that he makes you want to "throw up" and your gender expectations are damaging to him (and any other children you might have).  As a "girl" I take offense at the title of your post and your assumption that men and women are supposed to have different activity levels.  I a strong, athletic woman.  We all have strengths and weaknesses and should be valued for who we are not what others expect us to be.

Beyond your very out dated and wrong headed gender issues, I don't know what is going on with your son - he could just be less active or there could be something happening.  But either way you putting pressure on him will not help.  There are two things possibly happening right now and they are both awful for your poor child. 

1) It is possible that he just isn't that active in which case you are sending him the clear message that you don't love him for the person he is.  What a truly terrible thing to express to your child.

Or 2) There is something going on with him (maybe gross motor delay or some kind of sensory processing issue, or maybe something else entirely) and rather than helping him work through his issues you are showing him that you can't be counted on to support him. 

I hope the responses here will encourage you to reevaluate your own issues if at least for the sake of your son.

[starling&diesel]

Originally Posted by Mamaluu 

My almost 2.5 year old son is acting like a girl (or just being a very lazy boy) and it really bothers me.  I cannot get him to do anything active. . A man like him would just make me want to throw up, and I can't even wrap my thought around the fact that this is my son at 2.5 y.o we're speaking and what kind of man (if at all) he's going to grow up to be. 

OP: Many have commented my thoughts on this already, but I do want to be sure that I get in here and speak up for your little child.  He needs support and encouragement for who he is in this world, separate from your skewed ideas about gender and such.  Look for his strengths, celebrate them, and get yourself into some counselling to deal with your own issues, which are clearly reflecting on your ability to gently and lovingly parent your son. 

[mckittre]

I have that little boy too. And he's awesome. :)

My son has always been a cautious one. When he was 2.5, I did find myself jealous of the other toddlers who would run along at a good clip, while I was coaxing him along from rock to rock and bush to bush, trying not to lose patience. I often wondered if he was getting enough exercise. It was sometimes hard to be patient with him when I wanted to move more than 0.1 miles/hour. Sometimes it still is.

Now, at almost 3, he will happily run down the road, pulling his little sled, run all around the gym, climb the walls, or ride his balance bike. Sometimes. Other times all he'll do is be absorbed moving his plastic truck back and forth in the snow. He's still the kid who hangs back and plays with blocks in the corner when other kids are being wild and boisterous together. He's still the kid who absolutely refuses to try sledding, even down the smallest hill.  He wouldn't even attempt a playground slide until well after kids who were 6 months younger.  He prefers legos and books to play wrestling and tag. 

I think sometimes, all parents look around at other people's kids and wish ours were a little more like theirs.  And then we have to take a breath, step back, and look at all the ways our own kids are amazing.  My boy is cautious, a watcher, and strong willed (he will definitely push back if I'm impatiently trying to get him to do something).  And that's OK.  Outdoors activity and exercise are important to me too.  And it does happen.  I have continued to take him out, exploring new things, and gently coaxing him along to find ways we can both enjoy the world together. 

[fizgig]

Ok I went and looked at some of your other posts because I was so shocked by the tone you have toward your son in this one.  I see a few things happening and I wanted to try to be more constructive.

1. It looks to me like you have had a really tough time parenting your son from an early age.  From what I can see things have not and are not going as you expected.  I don't know what is really going on but there are two things I imagine could contribute to this:

A) You had unrealistic expectations for what being a parent would be like.  It seems like this is at least partly true.  Kids are hard, they go through oppositional stages, they don't comply well a lot of the time, and you won't get happy-happy quiet time playing with DH and DS in the evening very often.  I'm honestly wondering if there isn't something going on with you?  I don't mean that critically, I mean that perhaps you have unresolved PPD or depression? I know DH and I are both struggling with PTSD from DS being very sick his first 11 months.  It has negatively impacted our ability to be a good parent and we are having to work on those issues to make sure we don't over react to things.

B) It is also possible that there is something going on with you son that makes him more difficult to deal with and this is making it hard for you to implement the advice you get for other kids.  Our DS has sensory seeking behaviors and is also language delayed.  It has made him about a million times more active than most children.  Add his language issues and he can be a powder keg and all the parenting advice out there just doesn't work with DS.  Over the years that had made me feel incompetent, like I'm failing, like I am just not able to handle things as well as everyone else.  Now I know that my DS really IS harder to deal with.  I love him exactly the way he is and wouldn't change him for the world but it can be hard to see other kids his age who listen, comply with requests, don't freak out about little things, but DS is who my son is and he needs my help.  Its not easy but it is my job and I need to find a way to make it happen for him.     

2. It also looks to me like you have a very traditional gendered life with your husband working and you at home with fairly strict division of labor.  I'm also a SAHM and I have no issue with people doing whatever works for their family, but adhering to really strict gender divisions of labor coupled with really old-fashioned ideas about what men and women should be like is increasingly not in step with the larger world and will make things very hard for your children if you teach them such strict roles.  Unless you are isolated in a very traditional community, people are going to find your position strange and off-putting and you need to help your children be prepared for that no matter what your own gender beliefs are.

No matter what is going on I would definitely bring your son for an evaluation to make sure he isn't struggling with something.  That way you can help him in a productive and supportive way.  I would start with your ped and request an Occupational Therapy evaluation and see what happens.

Finally I will add that this is a forum for attachment parenting and a key feature of AP in my mind is meeting our children where they are.  Responding to their unique needs in a loving, positive, and attentive way and I feel like you are not able to do this for your son right now.  He needs you to love him and be his cheerleader no matter what the world says and I think your own issues are preventing you from doing that. 

[crunchy_mommy]

Uhhh.... WHAT?!?!??!

You would hate my kid. He's just about 3yo and he doesn't move. He doesn't run around & play and he doesn't dance and he doesn't pedal his trike around the block or even walk around it, for that matter. His favorite activities are reading, sitting on the floor playing his guitar, and being in my arms. He is an absolutely wonderful kid & I love him to death and he drives me nuts & I vent constantly about his issues but no way on earth does he make me want to throw up. This might be one of the saddest posts I've ever read.

I understand your concerns about his lack of activity but it's really hard to respond constructively because of the tone of your post. All I can say is, some kids are more active than others. Some kids are active in different ways, too. My DS has an incredibly active mind, he takes in and remembers EVERYTHING, he can learn how to do things just by watching someone once or twice. His hands are often active and he has fine motor skills far ahead of his age. If you have developmental concerns, he's still young enough that you could have him evaluated by Early Intervention for free. Sometimes sensory issues could show up like this, or motor planning problems. Or it could just be his personality. But I do think you need to work on your attitude toward him before anything else.
Edited by crunchy_mommy - 1/6/12 at 7:41pm

[Super~Single~Mama]

Uh...my ds, who will be three (!!!!) on tuesday, cannot ride a tricycle, let alone go fast on one. I think your expectations are WAY out of whack. He likes to ride is trike. Great! Thats physical movement, and exercise. So he's slow, be patient, let him stop and smell the flowers, encourage him! Tell him how wonderful he's doing, and how much you love watching him ride his trike - he'll probably get better with practice and time. Mostly time, right now its about the motor skills just not being there quite yet. Be patient, he will get better.

[Adaline'sMama]

Well, I agree with what a lot of other posters have said about the fact that he is a little boy, and you are expecting way too much. I dont think that any child of his age can be a "boy" or a "girl" any more than any other kid. I think they are babies If you are concerned about him "acting like a girl" I think its you that needs to change, not him or his behavior. If you are truly concerned about his lack of movement and exercise, Id see a doctor about it. I agree with the general attitude that your thoughts and feelings about gender/sex are really screwed up, and I just have one question to ask you:

What if your child IS a girl, inside? What if he grows up and tells you that he wants to live as a woman, that he wants to be a girl, and that he has always felt like a girl? Transexuality/ transgender is a reality for man people. It could happen, even to your kid. How are you going to react if something like that happens? Are you going to remember this internet posting and kick yourself for being so thoughtless and insensitive?

The part that really grosses me out is that even when you went back and edited your OP, it's still so offensive that I can barely comment without saying really, really mean things.

[Melaniee]

OP, your post hurts my heart. :(  I hope you can take what some of the other PPers have said constructively and think long and hard about them.

[Mamaluu]

 Reading all your comments make me cry.

Originally Posted by nextcommercial 

I don't see it as disgust at all.  She's frustrated with the slowness, and unwillingness to try new things.  She's not disgusted with him.  We all get frustrated with our kids from time to time.

At least ONE person out of the entire forum is able to see through my comments and venting (and the fact that much of my expressions aren't literal) and see what it really is -- a frustrated mother at the 24th hour of the day, deparate, tired, lonesome, had no one to vent to, and, just, frustrated.

If any of you NEVER get frustrated with your kids, NEVER had a bad day and NEVER just rant & vent when you talk/write, and NEVER had a less-than-loving thought about your kids even at theirs & your worst moments (honestly), go ahead and give me those harsh words that you said to me.

Just to clarify, when I say I'm "yelling" on the playground I meant yelling as in being enthusiastic and exciting and cheering to my son encouraging him to go on the slide. Any kind of "pushing" that I say I do, are all done in a cheering encouraging way rather than a literal rough-handling physical or verbal push.  When I'm with him, I encourage him. I don't criticize him. I don't judge him. I don't use harsh words on him.  You have all mis-understood me.

I am crying from reading all your responses.  I am sad that this is the time I need the most support, a time I am the least lovable, the least composed-enough to speak in ways that please people, a time when all I want to do is cry on someone's shoulder and vent freely without having to worry about what I vent and what people think of me, and I get judgement and harshness.  How many of you really know my situation enough to judge me (speaking of me judging my son)?  How many of you know what kind of frustration and rage I was in when I wrote this post at the 24th hour of the day handling the kids 24/7 all by myself while my husband's gone travel to work for the whole week and we had just moved to a foreign place where I know nobody and nowhere, and that my 12-month old is still nursing around the clock like a newborn therefore I couldn't even finish writing a paragraph without a crying baby nursing interruption when the baby (and me) is supposed to be sleeping?  Which one of you have actually seen a real interaction I've had with my son to know what kind of mother I am?  I happen to be a very loving gentle mother.  Not that I need to proove it to you but friends who know me well would agree.  And it just so happened that I actually saw a child psychologist fairly recently to help us help our son through a very difficult move and trasitional season for our family, and this child psychologist was amazed at how many things I was doing right with my son and amazed at the great job I was doing with our kids. (Now don't go discredit or judge this child psychologist because you don't know him/her either).

About gender (or me being sexiest) - I'm sorry you are offended. I kind of knew my title was going to be a problem to some people and I didn't mean to gender-steriotype at all, but again, with a crying baby nursing like a newborn, I didn't have time to go back and change it after realizing how it was coming out.  If you fully read my post you would have seen at the end where I said that I didn't title the post correctly.  Before you call me all these names ("sexiest" and "gender-steriotyping" or "closed minded" and outdated"), I happen to be a very active girl - I ran, I weight-trained, I squated and benched with men (I can squat more than some men can). Also, I don't do make-up and when I was a little girl I didn't wear much skirts.  How is that for gender steriotyping female? More, I've always earned more money than my male counterparts in my career (oh yeah and I do have a career).  How is that for "traditional gender roles"?  More, I'm a female engineer (that means I worked in a non-traditional environment for female, in a male dominant industry.  And you still want to call me "gender-steriotyping", "closed minded" or "outdated"?  I broke just about every gender-steriotype there is about female myself.   But you must admit that boys are different from girls and that "most" boys (did you see me highlighting the word "most"?) are physically stronger, more active, more into sports and more athletic than girls.  The fact that (if it is a fact) this difference doesn't start appearing yet in toddler years is not something I was aware of.  Saying that my son is being like a girl with his less-active traits is not so wrong.  If you as a girl/woman is offended when I say girls are generally less active, then you examine yourself on why YOU think being less active is so bad when all it is is just a trait. He really doesn't have to be athletic to be "good enough for me", but did I mention that I don't think growing up as a couch potato and on video game is very healthy?  With advanced technology and being in a modern world, it is an increasing problem that kids these days don't get enough exercise. I'm just feeling strongly about developing good healthy habits of daily exercise when I raise my kids. I want to give them the best, including a healthy habit.

Now, a less-active trait isn't bad.  My son appears to be less active and it bothers me and I had explained why.  It certainly isn't that I'm discriminating agaist all the less-active people, but I had explained specific reasons why my son's inactiveness is bothering me.  Just to take one example specifically, I get frustrated when he is jumping up the roof at home and mis-behaving because he's got excess energy that needs releasing, I go through all the trouble, pack the baby, and take him to a place where I can "support" (again, being loving, gentle, and supportive) his need to release that excess energy and jump & run free as he'd like, he stands there and stares, not wanting to move his body at all. That makes me frustrated. Another example, he announces his strong desire to ride the bike to the park, so I go through the trouble, pack the baby again, to do exactly what he wants, and he doesn't pedel or pedels extremely slowly. (by the way it's not that he is incapable, I've seen him pedal at a more normal speed when he wants to).  He doesn't want me to push him(his bike from behind), he doesn't want to go home, he wants to ride his bike and he wants to ride it to the park.  Again, he is not exactly pedaling/riding, but he doesn't want anything else and my back hurts from wearing my 32lb baby for the last 45 minutes that we've been trying to "ride to the park", by now it's dark, and it's chilly; baby's hands are cold; his hands are cold; I'm cold; I'm hungry; it's dinner time; baby's hungry; baby doesn't want to be in the carier any longer; baby is fighting screaming yelling and crying to get out of the carrier; I'm not gonna put baby down because we're on the street; doesn't it sound to you like we should just hurry up and go home?  or at least "start" going home?  It's dinner time and it's dark and cold and baby is yelling & crying.  NOW let's have a second look at the 2.5 year old who won't pedal and refuses to be pushed or helped in any way.  You get me now?

On me being harsh to my son - Just to clarify - I've never said any of those harsh words to my son (not even one-tenth as harsh as you've said to me in this thread).  Again, without having seen me interact with my kids in person you just don't know.  My son has never heard the word "lazy" (or anything to that affect) coming out of my mouth directed at him.  Has it ever occured to you that the words I'm using in my original post come out of an extreme frustration (and plain being tired) and I'm just saying whatever comes up?  I don't ever use harsh or judgemental words on my son. I don't even ever use the phrase "good boy" when I praise him because I'm so conciencious about using "non-judgemental "words when I address his appropriate or inappropriate behaviors. (I bet some of you didn't even know this one when you talk about being judgemental, did you?)  While I never use the phrase "good boy" (as if I had the place to judge that he is a good person), I rarely ever use any judgemental words even on his less-desirable behaviors (such as "lazy", "bad", etc).  You all just have the wrong idea about what kind of mean mother I am. 

On me being critical - You haven't walked a mile in my shoes.  I know that I can be quite critical. But like I said, you haven't walked a mile in my shoes; you don't know what kind of critical mother and critical voices I was raised with, and you certainly have no idea how far I've come along on this topic with continuous diligent hard work on myself.  And now are you judging me for who I am or are you accepting me for who I am like you are telling me to do with my son?

On seeing a therapist - it really is so easy to say "this woman got problems and she needs to see a therapist".  Are you saying that I'm a mess?  While we all have our own issues I felt pretty bad hearing that general "advice" saying that there is something wrong with me.  I feel like I'm being treated as if as I was crazy and not normal.  And being psycho-analyzed by a non-professional is not a good feeling. It's certainly not like I'm perfect, but do you have your issues and baggages sometimes too?  Are you flawless?  And do you like to be thrown with that comment?  You don't even know me, it's not your place to say.   And by the way, I'm not afraid to admit that as a perfectly normal individual I do have my issues and I have actually worked with a therapist in the past. (now just don't use that against me by saying "ah-hah, i knew there was something wrong with her!)  I am just a human being, like you.

I have no doubt that I am a loving proud mother.  Anyone who's seen me with my kids sees my loving ways with them, and my in-laws adore the gentle and assertive ways I am with their grandchildren.  I don't deserve the judgements you had passed onto me at my lowest moments.  I am so sad to read your responses and I'm not feeling like I ever want to come back to this forum for support or a heart-to-heart talk again. 

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by Mamaluu 

  Before you call me all these names ("sexiest" and "gender-steriotyping" or "closed minded" and outdated"), I happen to be a very active girl - I ran, I weight-trained, I squated and benched with men (I can squat more than some men can). Also, I don't do make-up and when I was a little girl I didn't wear much skirts.  How is that for gender steriotyping female? More, I've always earned more money than my male counterparts in my career (oh yeah and I do have a career).  How is that for "traditional gender roles"?  More, I'm a female engineer (that means I worked in a non-traditional environment for female, in a male dominant industry.  And you still want to call me "gender-steriotyping", "closed minded" or "outdated"?  I broke just about every gender-steriotype there is about female myself.   But you must admit that boys are different from girls and that "most" boys (did you see me highlighting the word "most"?) are physically stronger, more active, more into sports and more athletic than girls.  The fact that (if it is a fact) this difference doesn't start appearing yet in toddler years is not something I was aware of.  Saying that my son is being like a girl with his less-active traits is not so wrong. . 

Personally, I think the bolded is a direct result of how society treats young girls and the expectations they place on young boys (most of the time by their parents who dont want them to be "weak" or "lazy" or "like a girl") Quite honestly, I dont think that you making money, not wearing skirts, and doing weight training makes you "breaking every gender stereotype out there". I wear skirts, I dont have a job, and I am still not saying that its okay for girls to be less active than boys. I'm sorry, but I do think that opinion makes you someone who is gender- stereotyping, close-minded, and outdated. And quite honestly, outdated is what it is. Saying that boys are different than girls when it comes to physical abilities and interests (and most importantly, that it is okay that boys are stronger, more physically active, and have a greater interest in sports (ie, are more competitive) is just not current in the world of women who claim to be "breaking gender stereotypes." It is a first or second wave ideal that has been abandoned by progressive women for almost 20 years now.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third-wave_feminism

[Imakcerka]

OP, you can't expect anyone to understand your mindset.  In your original post you painted yourself as someone who was disgusted by their child and had an expectation that just wasn't being met.  You were sickened by who he was.  I joke and I tease about my kids.  I mean I call them Crotch fruit and discuss my little ones unibrow and third nipple.  But I've never once said or felt that I was disgusted and sickened by the expectations that were not met.  I expected my youngest to be just as brilliant as her father and sister.  And she's not.  She's not daft but she's nowhere as smart.  But I could never say harsh things about who she is due to the fact that her sister read fluently at 4 and she just reading at 7.  She different, so different.  Yet she's so fun and so interesting.  I adore her silly songs and funny jokes. 

I realize you're in a dark place and maybe just maybe you'll see that your son is normal.  He's not the problem.  Your frustration with his inability to do the things you expect are not his problem they are yours.  I'm sorry your were hurt by what was said.  I feel bad that you did not get the help you wanted.  But with the information we were given... it was harsh and cruel towards a toddler. 

[zebu]

Originally Posted by Mamaluu 

I am crying from reading all your responses.  I am sad that this is the time I need the most support, a time I am the least lovable, the least composed-enough to speak in ways that please people, a time when all I want to do is cry on someone's shoulder and vent freely without having to worry about what I vent and what people think of me, and I get judgement and harshness.  How many of you really know my situation enough to judge me (speaking of me judging my son)?  How many of you know what kind of frustration and rage I was in when I wrote this post at the 24th hour of the day handling the kids 24/7 all by myself while my husband's gone travel to work for the whole week and we had just moved to a foreign place where I know nobody and nowhere, and that my 12-month old is still nursing around the clock like a newborn therefore I couldn't even finish writing a paragraph without a crying baby nursing interruption when the baby (and me) is supposed to be sleeping?  Which one of you have actually seen a real interaction I've had with my son to know what kind of mother I am?  I happen to be a very loving gentle mother.  Not that I need to proove it to you but friends who know me well would agree.  And it just so happened that I actually saw a child psychologist fairly recently to help us help our son through a very difficult move and trasitional season for our family, and this child psychologist was amazed at how many things I was doing right with my son and amazed at the great job I was doing with our kids. (Now don't go discredit or judge this child psychologist because you don't know him/her either).

So, the bolded part - is this what you were ragey about?  Because the ragey tone in your original post were directed toward your son's low-key style of play.  Can you see why we would be confused?

Here is a quote from your OP: (bolding is mine)

"This problem bothers me at many levels. 1) It is not healthy that he doesn't get any regular exercise at all, and exercising as part of self-care and wellness is a very important value of mine that I want to pass on to my kids from a very young age. 2) I expect a boy (a man) to be active, energetic and athletic. A man like him would just make me want to throw up, and I can't even wrap my thought around the fact that this is my son at 2.5 y.o we're speaking and what kind of man (if at all) he's going to grow up to be. 3) Laziness is a trait that I absolutely cannot live with and again I can't believe this is my son! 4) It just makes me mad that I'm totally tired chasing, jumping, yelling, dancing, being exciting, just to get him to move his body and he won't move a single bit."

Do these words still ring true to you?

I have to say, when I get really stressed, the critical voice starts creeping in.  I've learned to admit when I'm wrong, when I'm nitpicking, and I tell myself to just shut up and relax.  Trying to convince myself that I'm right only causes more pain.

[lovepickles]

I'm sure I can speak for most when I say that we are all in favor of supporting you in becoming the best version of yourself. I'm not a professional and although I'm not sure if any of the other responders are either I do agree that you didn't get the kind of feedback you need to get through this. I couldn't do it because I was personally triggered by your post for a variety of reasons. I had a very strong reaction to your rant ... I actually had trouble sleeping after reading it. As someone who rants frequently in my personal life I've learned how truly isolating it can be. For that reason, now, I vent to my therapist and we are getting to the bottom of some of those issues that come up during those rants. He's really great at not being personally triggered by my issues. It helps and I'm a better wife and mother for investing in my own personal growth.

[sahmof2girls]

I am sorry that you felt bad by the responses, but your original post offended me, because I too have children, I too got frusterated, I too have had bad moments, but I knew that being mad at my dc is not proactive, and that it was my issue (no matter what the issue was). 

"Another example, he announces his strong desire to ride the bike to the park, so I go through the trouble, pack the baby again, to do exactly what he wants, and he doesn't pedel or pedels extremely slowly. (by the way it's not that he is incapable, I've seen him pedal at a more normal speed when he wants to).  He doesn't want me to push him(his bike from behind), he doesn't want to go home, he wants to ride his bike and he wants to ride it to the park.  Again, he is not exactly pedaling/riding, but he doesn't want anything else and my back hurts from wearing my 32lb baby for the last 45 minutes that we've been trying to "ride to the park", by now it's dark, and it's chilly; baby's hands are cold; his hands are cold; I'm cold; I'm hungry; it's dinner time; baby's hungry; baby doesn't want to be in the carier any longer; baby is fighting screaming yelling and crying to get out of the carrier; I'm not gonna put baby down because we're on the street; doesn't it sound to you like we should just hurry up and go home?  or at least "start" going home?  It's dinner time and it's dark and cold and baby is yelling & crying.  NOW let's have a second look at the 2.5 year old who won't pedal and refuses to be pushed or helped in any way.  You get me now?"

I have been there too, I pick up the trike, and we go home.  It's that simple.  Maybe you can step back and try to find easier way's to handle different situations.  Parenting is not easy all the time.  It takes work and patience.  He is still a toddler and toddlers have their own way of doing things.  I hope that you can try and enjoy or time, if you feel frustrated....LAUGH.  It really helps, you start laughing, ds starts laughing, and it just turns into a funny situation instead of a annoying situation...kwim?

[ErinYay]

Just as we don't know you, you don't know us.

You don't know that many of us are parenting alone, parenting special-needs kids, parenting newborns, and some of us are doing all three, and we *still* don't have, even in our deepest hearts of hearts, the kind of feelings you stated in your posts. When my 2-year-old is on her 20th (no joke) meltdown of the day, screaming a word I cannot understand, I'm frustrated, yes. I'm frustrated that *I* can't help her, not that her brain is wired in a way that makes communication very difficult for her. When she just flits about the play area, watching other kids, my heart breaks, not because I', *embarased* or *ashamed* of her, but because I'm sad that she doesn't want to engage, that she doesn't know how. When I'm all alone, in a city I don't really know, with no family and little support, I get sad.

Many of us have been through similar situations, and some much worse! and *still* don't have such feelings towards our kids, which is why every single poster but one expressed great concern over your relationship with and feelings for your son. This isn't a matter of us not understanding you- this is a matter of you not understanding basic child development and you setting your son up (based on your older posts, this has been going on for the better part of his life) to constantly disappoint you, no matter what he does.

[Delilah83]

About gender (or me being sexiest) - I'm sorry you are offended. I kind of knew my title was going to be a problem to some people and I didn't mean to gender-steriotype at all, but again, with a crying baby nursing like a newborn, I didn't have time to go back and change it after realizing how it was coming out.  If you fully read my post you would have seen at the end where I said that I didn't title the post correctly.  Before you call me all these names ("sexiest" and "gender-steriotyping" or "closed minded" and outdated"), I happen to be a very active girl - I ran, I weight-trained, I squated and benched with men (I can squat more than some men can). Also, I don't do make-up and when I was a little girl I didn't wear much skirts.  How is that for gender steriotyping female? More, I've always earned more money than my male counterparts in my career (oh yeah and I do have a career).  How is that for "traditional gender roles"?  More, I'm a female engineer (that means I worked in a non-traditional environment for female, in a male dominant industry.  And you still want to call me "gender-steriotyping", "closed minded" or "outdated"?  I broke just about every gender-steriotype there is about female myself.   But you must admit that boys are different from girls and that "most" boys (did you see me highlighting the word "most"?) are physically stronger, more active, more into sports and more athletic than girls.  The fact that (if it is a fact) this difference doesn't start appearing yet in toddler years is not something I was aware of.  Saying that my son is being like a girl with his less-active traits is not so wrong.  If you as a girl/woman is offended when I say girls are generally less active, then you examine yourself on why YOU think being less active is so bad when all it is is just a trait. He really doesn't have to be athletic to be "good enough for me", but did I mention that I don't think growing up as a couch potato and on video game is very healthy?  With advanced technology and being in a modern world, it is an increasing problem that kids these days don't get enough exercise. I'm just feeling strongly about developing good healthy habits of daily exercise when I raise my kids. I want to give them the best, including a healthy habit.

I think you are sexist, you seem to think that because you're athletic and work in a male dominated field and don't like to wear make up, you can feel superior to women who have different interests or careers. There are lots of ways for people to express their gendered identity. When you associate male with exclusively positive traits and women with  exclusively negative traits you are being sexist. 

[treeoflife3]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mamaluu handling the kids 24/7 all by myself while my husband's gone travel to work for the whole week and we had just moved to a foreign place where I know nobody and nowhere, and that my 12-month old is still nursing around the clock like a newborn therefore I couldn't even finish writing a paragraph without a crying baby nursing interruption when the baby (and me) is supposed to be sleeping?

If you are stressed because your husband is gone and because your one year old is nursing like a newborn and because you are sleep deprived and because you are in a new place, why on EARTH would you write a whole post about how disgusted you are with your son and how he makes you want to throw up?  Those are your words, not ours.  Your whole post is about how your son doesn't pedal fast enough and how he doesn't run enough and how he prefers to swing.  your post is how he is acting like a girl, and yes, that makes you sexist to say that, I don't care if you also happen to be a female engineer.  You can still be sexist with pants and a job.

Your post made it seem as if you just don't like your son.  If everything we have responded with isn't true, then perhaps you do need to seriously look into getting help.  Your post is not normal of a healthy mother.  That isn't a character judgement, that is honest concern for your mental health and how it will affect BOTH of your children if you continue on with so much frustration in your son over normal 2 year old things.  your expectations are unhealthy and your stress level is extremely high.  you need to find new ways to handle your son's normal 2 year old quirks and you need to find ways to manage your stress.  2 year olds are extremely forgiving, but you are fooling yourself if you think they don't notice when you are stressed or frustrated, no matter how excitedly you try to encourage.  Someday, he'll have an even better understanding of the feelings you try to hide and he won't be so forgiving.

It is okay to get help.  It doesn't mean you are bad or crazy.  It just means you need help.  Most of us here have received help or are currently getting help or will be getting help sometime in the future.  It's NORMAL to need help.  It's not normal for your 2 year old's activity level to make you want to throw up unless his activity level includes running super fast circles around you all day.  In which case, I'd definitely understand.

[coffeegirl]

mamaluu- Please don't be so defensive. The fact is, when you open a thread on an internet forum, you are asking to be judged. You just weren't judged the way that you wanted to be by several of the posters here. EVERY TIME that you have replied to another person's post here with your own perspective? You've judged. Judging isn't all bad.

In any case, for me, personally? it wasn't the sexism or gender stereotypes that bothered me about your post. It was the harshness with with you wrote it all. And I do get it- you were venting. I understand. But you posted last year about how your son was too hyperactive- remember that? And now you're posting that he's not active enough. As a totally objective outsider judging ONLY the information that you have put out there, it seems like your son is in a "can't win" kind of situation with you, yk?

And in your OP? You DID sound disgusted with your son. And extremely critical. (Whether or not being overly-critical is something you grew up with and are working on is beside the point here.) That's what your words conveyed-- not just to me, but to dozens of people. That's not everyone misunderstanding you. It may not be what you really feel....it may be you were just venting and in a really frustrated mood, etc. But that's what YOUR WORDS said. So again....please don't be so defensive.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed right now. And I'm glad that you've made some strides in being so critical of your kids. That's something to be proud of, you know? I understand that part of your post....my mom has always been extremely critical of me. And now I find myself being just as critical of my DH, and I'm trying to work on it.

[crunchy_mommy]

OK I will just set aside how I feel about your posts because enough people are addressing that & I certainly don't want to beat you when you're down. As much as I agree with the other posters & take issue with a lot of what you've said, I can also relate to what you are struggling with. I believe I mentioned that in my previous response but it may have been missed in the negativity.

It really is frustrating to have a kid literally bouncing off the walls, causing chaos, destroying things -- and then you try to give them an appropriate outlet for their energy, and they just stand there. It drives me bonkers. If you post here saying your kid is acting up, everyone will respond with things like more outdoor time, more exercise, etc. but if you try that & it doesn't work, then what???

Well, I've found that my DS does best in very small groups of familiar people. That means, if I take him to the open gym at the gymnastics studio, he won't participate, but if we get together with just a couple of other close toddler friends, sometimes I can get him to join in the fun. He likes structured activity... he loves Ring Around the Rosy, because he knows exactly what to do, and while that might not be as active as running & climbing, at least it gets him moving. There is a kids' yoga studio nearby & I take him to their free classes, and he often does great there (as long as there aren't too many kids), because it's calmer & more structured. At home, we do this video Sing, Stretch, & Shape Up and we all do it together -- me, DS, and DH. We reenact yoga class at home, with the same routine & movements & songs. When he wants to go for a walk, I give him very clear (but non-judgemental) choices -- he can ride in the Ergo, he can go in his stroller or on his bike, or he can walk -- but when he isn't moving & we're getting cold, I reiterate a very simple choice, like, "You can walk or I can put you in the Ergo," or, "You can pedal or I can push you," and then just follow through with it, whether or not he cries or whatever. I try to make sure it doesn't seem like a punishment, just a choice, but at the same time I need to be firm & follow through, otherwise we'd be out in the dark freezing to death. DS also loves climbing up the stairs & riding the escalator at the mall (I am not a mall person, but I take him occasionally just to do these things!) and pushing the mini shopping carts at Petco while looking at the animals. He likes walking on retaining walls or other ledges. He likes climbing UP the slide part of the playground slide (when no other kids are there). He likes to jump & roll around on the bed, especially if I bounce around too or sing the Five Little Monkeys song. He likes doing the big 4' floor puzzles with me. He LOVES doing woodwork & spends a lot of time hammering, screwing, drilling, etc. (closely supervised, of course -- he's not even 3 yet...) He likes raking the yard.

Most of the time my kid is still pretty inactive compared to other toddlers. He is the only kid I know who will sit for an hour+ straight while being read to. He doesn't like to dance and when I take him to story times or other active things, he's the only one sitting in my lap while the others are doing the hand & body motions and jumping around like they're 'supposed' to. You would never see him running around the playground, he's more likely to just sit in one of those little toy cars without moving, or just stand watching the other kids. He's walked around the block about 3 times in his whole life, even though we take many family walks each week. I've just had to find other ways for him to be active, and accept that active for him means something different. I've had to give him more structure and be way more involved in his active play than most parents seem to need to be. I've had to plop him in the Ergo/stroller/grocery cart amidst his protests because he just won't move or my arms can't carry him any longer. But we are slowly making progress. He was in EI for about 6mos for social & emotional issues and some of the ideas they gave us did help him to be more appropriately active... like he needs to do a lot of fine motor work, and once he's done that he's often more able to play actively. But no one in EI thought his activity level was any kind of tone/muscle/developmental problem -- good reassurance, and I'd encourage you to have your DS evaluated so you can know if it's normal and get some ideas on any kind of sensory input he might need to feel more at ease in the world...

[SweetSilver]

Wow!  I'm going to try and be helpful here and bypass the rants by all.

Both my kids had trouble with the tricycle, especially my youngest.  A playground full of children is fascinating for a youngster to watch.  Look what all those kids can do!  This is part of the learning process as much as climbing and sliding and swinging.

My kids still have trouble with the swing, mainly because they want to be pushed.  Being pushed by mom and dad feels nice, just like being picked up.

Slides are scary sometimes.  We started the kids face down, feet first.  They looooved that!  Going down sitting up, feet first is really unbalancing.  Watch other head-heavy toddlers going down, and they bob backwards and some kids don't care, for others it is extremely unsettling.

Instead of encouraging, just start running around, swinging and going down the slide yourself.  Let him watch his mama do it.  Do yoga at home with no expectations except giving him a chance to emulate you.  

Buy a little kid trampoline for the house and redirect his energy to that.  Is bouncing on the bed aloud?  It is in our house, so is jumping on our (inexpensive) couch.  The trouble with bursts of energy is that often they come at different times in the day than we expect (or want).  Find a way to let him burn off some steam during these times and he might feel more energetic down the road.  Also, remember, kids are distracting to other kids, so when he is out and about that is more interesting.  He is taking it all in to try on his own time.  Honor that process.

I hope you are getting all the exercise you crave.  Instead of always wanting to get him out to exercise, plop him in the jog stroller and go for a power walk.  Be his example.  When you do take the tricycle out (is your road/sidewalk smooth?  ours is horrendously bumpy) take a magazine along with you.  Or look to see what he sees.  If he watches the kids, talk just a little about that.  Also, don't expect big things.  I've learned this well.  Don't think: "let's walk four blocks to the park/library" think, let's go the end of the block and back."  Or, "let's go outside and play with the tricycle" and stay in front of the house.

Also, divide in your mind those outings that are for you, and those that are for him.  Don't put him on the tricycle on the "you" days.  Go, do your errands, to the library, a big walk around the park working up some sweat.  Give him some time, of course, but remind him that it's "time to visit the store now."  Then, on "his" outings, bring along that magazine or book or smart phone, and let him set the pace.  Don't be out of touch with what he's seeing, but if you feel that frustration burble up, pick up that smart phone and check in on Facebook or MDC or email or whatever.  Don't be afraid to sit down if you need to (a mama needs to get off her feet!)

In spite of all the rants stating the point, do reexamine your expectations of what boys should be like.  Notice I said boys, not men.  A little boy is not a man, nor is he necessarily like the man he will grow up to be.  I understand the stress of being a mama with a toddler.  It is insulating, tiring, stressful.  But the expectations of what a boy is like at 2.5 become expectations of what a boy should be like at 5, 10, 15.  And when a parent has powerful expectations, a kid can feel as if they will never live up to that and some will give up trying.  

So, the best advice I can give is model the behavior for yourself.  Be active yourself.  Whip out the kiddie ball and make tiny slam dunks.  Kick around the playbround ball.  And if it is important to model your ideal of masculine behavior, make sure he gets plenty of that time with his dad--*without* the expectations that he will join in right away.

An infant child might not be able to speak for a long time, but even in the womb they are learning the essential building blocks of language, and of different voices.  Their understanding far exceeds their ability to copy.  But they eventually do.  Tiny children learn by observing first and foremost, and some more than others.  

Soften the mental expectations and see where your son is at and start there.