My son acts like a girl - help me please! - Page 4

[fizgig]

Look, when a large number of generally caring, accepting people respond so negatively to something you've said, your first instinct should be to take a step back and ask why.  Maybe take a minute to evaluate your own position.

It IS sexist to frame being like a girl as a negative/insult.  The title of your post is inherently sexist.

It IS extreme that you feel like a certain kind of man would make you want to throw up and you are worried that your son is going to be that kind of man.

If your stress is about being overwhelmed and alone I imagine most of us here can relate.  That isn't what your post was about.

Your post is directed at your son in a way that seems very concerning.  I quit my beloved job as a professor to raise my son who has special needs.  He is tiring, oppositional, and very hard to take care of.  But I never feel the things that you expressed in your post.  That you feel these things is what concerns me.  No one is attacking you.  I have had unhealthy feelings and responses to my son.  It has been difficult to look at where my own unhealthy responses are coming from.  Just as I would tell a mother with PPD that it is not healthy to have obsessive thoughts about harming her child.  I'm not being critical or attacking, I am saying that she needs help because she is having unhealthy thoughts.  The feelings you expressed in your post aren't healthy for you or your son.  It is normal to need help and it is normal to have unhealthy thoughts.  But it is important to be willing to get help.

The reason, to me, that I am reacting this way is the language you used about your son.  Even in your second post you refer to him as lazy.  A two year old simply can't be "lazy."  It is your focus on blaming him that is triggering concern for me.  HE refuses to pedal, HE is lazy, HE is the problem.  I think what many of us are really trying to say is that he isn't actually doing anything wrong.  It is your reaction that is problematic.

I really am very sympathetic to both parenting alone and dealing with a very difficult child.  I have my PhD, have lived in places without electricity and running water, have killed poisonous snakes with a machete, have had many health challenges and raising my son is by far the most difficult thing I've ever done.  I vent, I go a little crazy, I even sometimes resent my son some times.  But those are MY problems, not his.  He is not to blame - he can't be because he is a little child.

[jimblejamble]

a) He's a child. Back off. Let him be.
b) I'm sorry you feel that being or behaving like a girl is something bad that you need to be helped with or saved from.
c) Maybe you should have gone with show dogs instead of children so you could train them to be exactly what you want them to be and not have to be embarrassed to the point of wanting to throw up.
Edited by jimblejamble - 1/7/12 at 9:17am

[Lazurii]

Us suggesting therapy does not mean we think you are "messed up".  It means we think you need some outside help.  That is not shameful.  And, honestly, I find it personally offensive that you think people who need therapy are "messed up" since that's where I am now.  Guess what, no matter how strong I am I can't get over my abusive past by myself.  And that abusive past was severely affecting the relationship with my children to the point that I was afraid of abusing them myself. 

Let me repeat that:  There is no shame in seeking therapy.  Now, people may want to shame you.  My dad was great at that, but it doesn't mean he's right.  Getting therapy was the number one best thing I ever did for myself, and in turn it was the best thing I ever did for my children. 

Also, the way you were quick to think that we would judge you harshly by the fact that you've seen a therapist in the past means I don't think you understand the intent of people here.  We don't think you're crazy, we think you have some issues you need to work through.  When was the last time you saw your therapist, before having kids?  I found in my own life that having children brought up so much past and issues that therapy was needed all over again just to sort out my new life. 

[mckittre]

On the more practical end:  Having a fussy baby on your back and a really slow-moving toddler while you're a ways from home and it's 10 degrees out is kind of hard.  I have a 12 month old and an almost 3 year old, so I experience that frequently.  The easiest thing I've found is to choose a time that'll be naptime for the little one to be outdoor playtime for the big guy, and to dress both me and the baby up really really warm (her sleeping on my back).  Also, as previously mentioned, if the baby is crying or people are getting cold and we really need to get somewhere, I do insist on some choice that moves at a reasonable speed - i.e.  "do you want to walk by yourself, or do you want to hold my hand?  If you walk by yourself, you have to keep going."  Or bring some way to push/carry/pull the big one and insist on that choice if you really need to get going and he's too slow.  Occasional outings without the baby, if possible, are great too, where you can relax and go at his pace the whole way.  But my kid also sometimes insists on destinations far enough that he doesn't want to walk back from them, when I can't carry him because I'm already wearing his sister.  In that case, I just grab his hand, ignore the whining, and we walk back.  I think it's OK for them to learn that walking/biking somewhere means they have to walk/bike home too.

[Bellabaz]

Its rough having kids so close in age. Its rough living where you have no support system. I've been there. Dd2 was born just after we moved to a new country where I didn't speak the language and knew nobody. Dd1 was a toddler. Add that isolation to health issues with me and with dd1, a kid who nursed every 45 minutes round the clock and conitnued isolation due to not having a babysitter so I could take language classes the whole first year and its not suprising I ended up depressed. I was exhausted on every level. Yes I lost patience with my kids. Yes I got frustrated with everything.  At my worst, I still never had thoughts as harsh as those posted in your original one.  I've worked in mental health as well. No one here thinks your "crazy" because you've seen a therapist int he past. Have you seen one since having kids? Go talk to someone, please. For your sake as much as for your kids. Because you don't sound like you are enjoying being a parent at all.

[mommy212]

ignoring all the other issues cropping up, some active games my DS loves are chasing (he calls it fetch, like the doggy does) balls and jumping on the bed or small trampoline his grandma got him. Maybe since he is calmer and more quiet you can use this as a time to teach him more intellectual things or concentration, like stacking blocks, coloring, reading cooks, playing with play-doh, learning letters and number, colors and shapes, etc. Try to enjoy him before he grows up and you can't change what you've already done. Best of luck

[mommy212]

Also, as an added thought, maybe he would enjoy group classes, like gymnastics (great for balance), where he can play with other kids and learn skills useful for other sports later on. Our local children;s museum here is play-based, and it always get my LO excited and running around.

[branditopolis]

Originally Posted by hildare 

frankly i find your post so offensive in several ways i cannot think of a way to respond that won't get me banned.

what in the world does your son's behavior have to do with sex? 

also- "a man like that would make me want to throw up?"  what is WRONG with you?

OMG

[chrysalis]

yeah that on what most here have commented on re. original post. how sad i am for your son and i pray you find acceptance of him and meet him where he is at, trusting he is being who he is and how he is and that he is perfect JUST AS HE IS.

i'd much rather my son stay as a sweet, thoughtful sensitive loving boy, then man someday than a selfish macho unemotional brute.

get in touch w/ your heart of hearts. not the one you think is your heart.

i could just cry. your post was heartbreaking to me as a mother and as a human being.

[pranava]

OP, the fact that your DS can pedal a bike and sometimes wants to, sounds awesome to me.  My DS is almost 3 and can't jump off the ground with two feet.  I do care about his physical inability - I care for his sake.  I want him to be able to keep up with the other kids and be able to fully interact with them and have lots of fun.  Do you think you are caring for your DS's sake, or your sake?  It's really hard to not consider your children as a reflection of yourself.  In some ways they are and will be, but in some ways, they are totally separate from you. 

I bet that as your baby reaches toddlerhood, the two of them will become more active together.  maybe the baby will be a social butterfly and lead your DS out to the playground.  

[Super~Single~Mama]

"This problem bothers me at many levels. 1) It is not healthy that he doesn't get any regular exercise at all, and exercising as part of self-care and wellness is a very important value of mine that I want to pass on to my kids from a very young age. 2) I expect a boy (a man) to be active, energetic and athletic. A man like him would just make me want to throw up, and I can't even wrap my thought around the fact that this is my son at 2.5 y.o we're speaking and what kind of man (if at all) he's going to grow up to be. 3) Laziness is a trait that I absolutely cannot live with and again I can't believe this is my son! 4) It just makes me mad that I'm totally tired chasing, jumping, yelling, dancing, being exciting, just to get him to move his body and he won't move a single bit."

See, this was my brother when we were very little. You could put him in a room full of toys, and he would (seriously) crawl to the closest one, play with it for 30minutes, then crawl to the next closest one, and repeat. He was an excellent defender in soccer when he got older. Now he's on the go so frequently that my parents (who are both incredibly active) can't keep up with him on vacation anymore (he planned an entire visit to Korea for them, and when they got home they were so exhausted from all the activity I think they slept for 48hours).

Even if he's not physically active, thats not necessarily "lazy" - he might just be more analytical, or cautious, in nature. It's OK. It's hard sometimes to accept our children as they are - the hardest part of parenting maybe - when you realize they aren't what you thought they would become. Every baby comes wired with their own unique personality, and its hard sometimes to accept that as a parent, even at your absolute best, you cannot create their personality from scratch - its already there.

[AdinaL]

Hey folks, I just want to remind everyone that you can point out issues with another person's words without resorting to name calling and insults.  Let's keep the atmosphere in here respectful - even in disagreement.  Take a look at your posts here and *edit them* to keep them in line please.  

Thank you.

[SeattleRain]

I don't know that your son is lazy, I don't know that kids that age can be truly lazy. He just might have different preferences for how he lets out his energy and he might just be doing his thing. Everyone has a different work out style. Personally, I enjoy low impact activities like walking or swimming or pilates. My SIL only likes high impact activities like aerobics, running, or dance. Neither of us is lazy. You can help your child not to be "lazy" by not over-relying on TV or computer games and putting an emphasis on play and imagination and doing, even if he's not "doing" very quickly. It sounds like you're already doing those things by taking your son to the park, taking him out on the trike and encouraging him to do stuff.

I also think it seems like you need a BREAK! Everyone gets fed up with their kids some times. I had a period where my son waking up in the middle night made me angry and resentful of him. Once I started to feel like that, I realized that something about the situation was not working and we needed to change things up a little bit. It sounds like you're shouldering a lot of the time/energy burden of parenting two very young and seemingly very high needs children. I think it's great you want to foster physical activity as a positive outlet for your son (it's a great outlet for ALL children, regardless of gender) so I think you should look into classes like Little Gym, swimming, soccer, or tumbling where you can drop him off for an hour or two a week. He can tumble around and get his wiggles out and if you get a sitter for your 12 month old, you can have that time entirely for yourself. Go to Starbucks! Read a good book! SLEEP! You need to do it for yourself because it will make you a better mother.

You may have to re-examine your expectations of your children, and you may want to re-examine what you think a "boy" should look like and a "girl" should look like. Everyone is different and has different personalities.

[Kelly1101]

On seeing a therapist - it really is so easy to say "this woman got problems and she needs to see a therapist". Are you saying that I'm a mess?

Well.  In short.  Yes.

The feelings you are having about your son?

NOT normal.

I realize by your update that you feel it is normal/reasonable.  But it is actually not.  Which is why the universal response here has been what it is.  All of us have had times of frustration, but the pure venom in your post towards your son has alarmed a lot of people.  And I definitely feel that the issue here is not your son-- it is you-- and you owe it to both of your children to work out your issues and try to do whatever you can to fix these alarming feelings and expectations you have.

[Faither]

I'm sure someone else already said it, but just take a deep breath and tell yourself this is not forever.

What's nearby that you could take your son to? How about the library, a gym or park? Skip the trike and bring a stroller. If he doesn't want to walk then he can ride and if you wear your other child then it's easier for you to toss him in the stroller and go. I know stroller's aren't very AP but you do what you have to. Also instead of going far, why not just a couple of houses down then turn around? My DD just turned 2 and is not very fast at all on her trike so we might just go in front of our house then turn around and do that until she's done. That way when she's bored or too cold, we're not far enough that I can't pick up the trike and go back inside (granted I am 8 months prego, but talk to me in the spring when I am wearing one and chasing the other and we'll see if I can still do that).

DD nursed a lot (not as a 12month old but close). We tossed her in our bed and that's honestly the ONLY way I was able to get any sleep some nights. Some people thought we were crazy but I am not pleasant without sleep so, again you do what you have to do. And I also resigned myself to going to bed at 9pm with DD and left the dishes in the sink and the laundry unfolded. It will all get done eventually.

Just remember he's two. He's little. Little legs have to move twice as fast to cover the same ground as an adult. Maybe he's just looking for attention and that's why he goes so slow. Give him the opposite attention of what you're giving him now and see what happens, make it an experiment.

But just remember to breathe. It's not forever and tomorrow is a different day (and all that good stuff). Good Luck!

[branditopolis]

Originally Posted by Faither 

Just remember he's two. He's little. Little legs have to move twice as fast to cover the same ground as an adult. Maybe he's just looking for attention and that's why he goes so slow. Give him the opposite attention of what you're giving him now and see what happens, make it an experiment.

But just remember to breathe. It's not forever and tomorrow is a different day (and all that good stuff). Good Luck!

The opposite attention? Would that be like ignoring him?

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by branditopolis 

Originally Posted by Faither 

Just remember he's two. He's little. Little legs have to move twice as fast to cover the same ground as an adult. Maybe he's just looking for attention and that's why he goes so slow. Give him the opposite attention of what you're giving him now and see what happens, make it an experiment.

But just remember to breathe. It's not forever and tomorrow is a different day (and all that good stuff). Good Luck!

The opposite attention? Would that be like ignoring him?

No, the opposite would be praise and lots of it.

[Faither]

Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama 


No, the opposite would be praise and lots of it.

Instead of being frustrated and telling him to go faster, praise him when he keeps up. Like instead of giving a loud cheer if he did what you wanted him to, try a quieter "good job" or just smiling at him. Children feed off of how we're feeling even if we don't intend to, so projecting all that negative stuff, by over encouraging him to move faster, it might be making him want to do the opposite. So try being a quieter cheerleader was my suggestion.

It works a little with DD but generally we end up walking a bit in front of her when she's being super slow and we want her to move on. With her if we started giving her too much praise she ends up bored and generally moves on to something else, or ignores us entirely. Just my experience with DD.

[RJSoft]

All things being considered there may be some physiological problem that perhaps you are trying to express but lacking care for social tact.

These are the possible health concearns that you may wish to have examined.

Bisphenol-A.

This chemical is used in our food industry usually as containers. It also happens to mimmic estrogen (the female hormone).

Do not heat food or liquids in ANY plastic bottles or containers in the microwave oven. Bisphenol-a is a chemical found in many plastic food containers that is exponentially released upon heating.

Believe it or not it is even released when put in refrigerators. Bisphenol-a is found in many household items such as toilet paper. Google for list.

Minimize the exposure especially with microwave ovens. (As a side note: The microwave oven was originally banned in Russia due to a study which revealed high linkage to cancers).

Flouride.

When Stalin ran his prison concentration camps in Russia, he discovered that he could reduce the need for prison guards by doping the inmates water with Flouride. Flouride effectively reduces willpower for inmates to revolt. 

Flouride is a poisonous by product in the production of Aluminum. It is one of the most toxic ingrediants known to man besides mercury. Flouride is the main ingrediant in rat poison.

However, read the back of your child's toothpaste. Notice the poison control center must be called if your child consumes more than 1 pea sized portion of toothpaste.

We are all being bombarded chemically and Flouride is one of the main culprits. Lucky for me we live in a town that does NOT flouridate the water also I buy Tom's tooth paste from Walmart which seems to be the only brand available that is non flouridated.

I also insist to my kids dentist that there be no flouride treatment.

GMO (Genetically Modified Organism)

Now this is the real nightmare.

Once upon a time some scientits working for Monsanto discovers a bacteria growing on their Round-up herbicide chemical waste dump.

The bacteria was evidently Round-up resistant.

So this bright scientist got the idea to Genetically insert the genes from the bacteria into 5 of our major food products.

We now, all of us, eat this stuff every day. It is also impossible or highly difficult to know exactly what you buy is or is not GMO.

President Busch senior pushed laws into effect to fast track the GMO so that FDA would approve it and NOBODY is allowed to know.

But a lawsuit revealed much. Autoimmune diseases and rats that wind up sterile within 3 generations.

The rats testicles turned black/blue from eating the GMO and all kinds of cancers developed.

At one point farmers where feeding the GMO to their livestock which refused to eat it and many died that did eat it.

But you and I, everyone of us are eating it every day.

For more interesting details on this youtube GMO Jeffery Smith.

Vaccinations:

Do not vaccinate your children. There are forms online with instructions on how to legally object to forced vaccinations.

Use religeous belief because that is most resiliant to legal recourse.

There is a very strong link to Autism and vaccinations.

Mercury (Thimerisol) and many other unhealthy chemicals are being used. Many use what is cstealled an antaginent which is a chemical that induces the immune system to flood the body created antibodies.

But guess what, the antaginent is aluminum. It stays in the system forever. And like mercury the toxic effects destroy nerve cells whereever the junk floats to.

You see, we are all of us under attack.

We are the excess population.

There is a depopulation program that has been in existance for quite some time.

Our country has been taken over by mafia.

Protect your kids.

[mtiger]

Well, OP... I can understand why some of the posts hurt you. Really I can. However, your characterization of your son, particularly wrt to gender roles, hurt people, too. I'm going to explain some things that I did NOT go into in my earlier response.

My children are quite a bit older than your son. My son is 20, and my daughter is 18. From Day One, they were like night and day. My son? Quieter, less physical, more cerebral than his younger sister. He was the one who wanted to be with me, help me cook & clean, etc. While she wanted to be out kicking a ball, running around, climbing, jumping, anything physical, no interest in cooking. etc. (Though, oddly, she LOVED folding my Dad's boxers when we visited my parents.) Is still not fond of reading. Really, nothing has changed.

Over the years, I have encountered quite a few attitudes about both of them from others. He's too much like a girl; she's too manly. Some of that from their own father. Who made it plain that he preferred the girl because she was less like me. (I should note, that, when they were young, my now-ex traveled a minimum of two weeks a month. Since they were 6&4, we've been divorced and I have been primarily responsible for them.) But I digress... #1 has always been his own person, marching to his own drummer. Never been a tough guy. Imagine the responses he got from others when he started "Free Hugs" day as a freshman in HS. Or when he'd run out to the PE class, twirling the entire way. Giggling. And, OMG... Listening to classical music. Opera, even. Yeah... Yeah - lots of assumptions about his orientation. He is actually a very strong person, emotionally, and pretty much shrugged off the names he was called. But it still hurt him. Just like it hurt him when his Scout buddies, one by one, drew away from him. When the Dads - who had known him from when he was small - turned their backs. All but one father/son.

Now, let me tell you about my son, the Man. He's still not athletic. But he does love to hang and watch a Yankee game with me when he's home. He does walk for AIDS research, MS research, Breast cancer research. He's in college, composing new and beautiful music, with a very bright future. He has a wonderful girlfriend, who he is moving in with when his current lease is up in May. He is a wonderful cook, who isn't afraid to experiment with flavors, textures, ideas. Still loves to read, anything and everything (almost). He is his sister's rock - the one person she will ALWAYS go to when she needs some support (besides me). He is a REAL man. And it hurts deeply when someone thinks otherwise. Oh, and.... he knits.