My son acts like a girl - help me please! - Page 5

[sk8boarder15]

I'm sorry for all the flack you received OP. A lot of it was harsher than was needed. They do have a point though, so I would really look at yourself and make sure you are healthy or at least have a practical view of a 2 year old. 

I know many toddlers that are just laid back. Often that is my son. He will swing and swing and swing just watching stuff. We go to open gym and he will just watch most of the time... he does have active moments, but not nearly as active as many other toddlers we know. We all joke that he's the thinker of the group and he's going to be very smart one day becuase he's sitting back taking so much in. That could be your son too, for all you know he could be gifted! Whatever it is just let him be him!!!! He's only a baby still! Let him be as long as he's not on the way to obesity he's fine. If you have real concerns about his behavior have him assesed, otherwise let him be himself. People have given lots of pratical advice, take it. If you know an activity isn't going to work, find something else. Keep the trike within a block of the house. Personally I say ditch the trike get a balance bike! They are way better! :) 

[branditopolis]

Originally Posted by RJSoft 

All things being considered there may be some physiological problem that perhaps you are trying to express but lacking care for social tact.

These are the possible health concearns that you may wish to have examined.

Bisphenol-A.

This chemical is used in our food industry usually as containers. It also happens to mimmic estrogen (the female hormone).

Do not heat food or liquids in ANY plastic bottles or containers in the microwave oven. Bisphenol-a is a chemical found in many plastic food containers that is exponentially released upon heating.

Believe it or not it is even released when put in refrigerators. Bisphenol-a is found in many household items such as toilet paper. Google for list.

Minimize the exposure especially with microwave ovens. (As a side note: The microwave oven was originally banned in Russia due to a study which revealed high linkage to cancers).

Flouride.

When Stalin ran his prison concentration camps in Russia, he discovered that he could reduce the need for prison guards by doping the inmates water with Flouride. Flouride effectively reduces willpower for inmates to revolt. 

Flouride is a poisonous by product in the production of Aluminum. It is one of the most toxic ingrediants known to man besides mercury. Flouride is the main ingrediant in rat poison.

However, read the back of your child's toothpaste. Notice the poison control center must be called if your child consumes more than 1 pea sized portion of toothpaste.

We are all being bombarded chemically and Flouride is one of the main culprits. Lucky for me we live in a town that does NOT flouridate the water also I buy Tom's tooth paste from Walmart which seems to be the only brand available that is non flouridated.

I also insist to my kids dentist that there be no flouride treatment.

GMO (Genetically Modified Organism)

Now this is the real nightmare.

Once upon a time some scientits working for Monsanto discovers a bacteria growing on their Round-up herbicide chemical waste dump.

The bacteria was evidently Round-up resistant.

So this bright scientist got the idea to Genetically insert the genes from the bacteria into 5 of our major food products.

We now, all of us, eat this stuff every day. It is also impossible or highly difficult to know exactly what you buy is or is not GMO.

President Busch senior pushed laws into effect to fast track the GMO so that FDA would approve it and NOBODY is allowed to know.

But a lawsuit revealed much. Autoimmune diseases and rats that wind up sterile within 3 generations.

The rats testicles turned black/blue from eating the GMO and all kinds of cancers developed.

At one point farmers where feeding the GMO to their livestock which refused to eat it and many died that did eat it.

But you and I, everyone of us are eating it every day.

For more interesting details on this youtube GMO Jeffery Smith.

Vaccinations:

Do not vaccinate your children. There are forms online with instructions on how to legally object to forced vaccinations.

Use religeous belief because that is most resiliant to legal recourse.

There is a very strong link to Autism and vaccinations.

Mercury (Thimerisol) and many other unhealthy chemicals are being used. Many use what is cstealled an antaginent which is a chemical that induces the immune system to flood the body created antibodies.

But guess what, the antaginent is aluminum. It stays in the system forever. And like mercury the toxic effects destroy nerve cells whereever the junk floats to.

You see, we are all of us under attack.

We are the excess population.

There is a depopulation program that has been in existance for quite some time.

Our country has been taken over by mafia.

Protect your kids.

...What.the.ffffffff

[P.J.]

Originally Posted by Lazurii 

Us suggesting therapy does not mean we think you are "messed up".  It means we think you need some outside help.  That is not shameful.  And, honestly, I find it personally offensive that you think people who need therapy are "messed up" since that's where I am now.  Guess what, no matter how strong I am I can't get over my abusive past by myself.  And that abusive past was severely affecting the relationship with my children to the point that I was afraid of abusing them myself. 

Let me repeat that:  There is no shame in seeking therapy.  Now, people may want to shame you.  My dad was great at that, but it doesn't mean he's right.  Getting therapy was the number one best thing I ever did for myself, and in turn it was the best thing I ever did for my children. 

Also, the way you were quick to think that we would judge you harshly by the fact that you've seen a therapist in the past means I don't think you understand the intent of people here.  We don't think you're crazy, we think you have some issues you need to work through.  When was the last time you saw your therapist, before having kids?  I found in my own life that having children brought up so much past and issues that therapy was needed all over again just to sort out my new life. 

OP: While I was also triggered by your post...mostly it made me feel sad for your boy...I do understand the thought of "this makes me want to throw up", or the name-calling. I have had intensely challenging moments with my boy when I did think similarly harmful thoughts. I just want to reiterate that therapy can be very healing and help us deal with the way we get so upset over things like you are now with your boy. I have done therapy and found that since becoming a parent all of my inner pain and unresolved emotions were triggered and I needed support in working through it, as I saw myself, like you, thinking these mean thoughts and sometimes even outwardly saying things I later regretted.

I know it's hard to take criticism. I know some people here did judge you harshly. But I hope for you and especially for your boy that you have seen some truth in what the overwhelming message has been: that he has no problem and that you will both be happier if you find some support in adjusting your expectations of him and way of thinking about him. Whether or not you say such things to him he feels how you view him and it will destroy his self-esteem and wound his sweet heart to the point where he'll be needing therapy as an adult too!

I'm so sorry that our society puts such a stigma on therapy. It's such a pity because as far as I'm concerned MOST people need it! Doesn't mean we are all effed up or anything, just means that the experience of being human raised by (mostly) unaware other humans is painful and traumatic at times, and most of us need some support in healing that pain. I hope you can find your own support and more peace with your son. Good luck!

[serenbat]

...What.the.ffffffff

one can be dismissive but there seems to be more and more mounting evidence (scientific studies) that exposure in utero to chemicals does cause hormonal changes to the fetus  - Thalidomide effected sex organs just as one example and many do see the correlation between fluoride and early puberty- and most countries have banned  Bisphenol-A for infants

[branditopolis]

oops.  my alarm was mostly with the statements
"we are all of us under attack" and "our country has been taken over by mafia"

[peyton11]

First of all the way you talk about your son I feel sorry for him. Have you ever considered that maybe he is just shy. Instead you want to go straight to my son acts like a girl. Secondly so what if he does act like a girl. You sound like your the one with the issues about it. Your suppose to love your child no matter what and it sounds like you can't accept him just because he doesn't play "manly" enough for you while being outside. At this point if I was you I would step back and take a look at your behavior and then get your son some help for the damage you have probably  caused him. If he is gay or transgender I hope you learn to love and accept him otherwise you will eventually lose your precious child by him either cutting off contact with you or taking his own life. Is that something you want to live with the rest of your life? Sure your son is only 2 but if he is gay or transgender your not going to change him.HOWEVER HE IDENTIFIES ACCEPT HIM OR HER...No matter what he prefers to play with. You need to seek professional help.

[luckiest]

*Seeing now that the original post is several months old...oh well.

I agree with lots of what has been said - that your embarrassment of him is more alarming than his behavior (which isn't alarming at all), that some kind of outside help (both a nanny/sitter and a therapist) is beneficial/necessary, but I wanted to throw out a couple more tips that may not have been mentioned.

>>When you go out to the park or for a walk, start out with ZERO expectations.  None.  Have no goal in mind, not even that you're going to do one lap around the block.  Accept whatever happens - if DS wants to sit on his bike and watch the cars go by, accept it.  Bored?  Bring a book, call someone on the phone.  

>>Don't encourage him to go faster, don't even talk.  Or better, talk!  Meaning, have a conversation with him that doesn't involve trying to change what he's doing.  If he stops to smell a flower, talk about the flower.  If he's watching other kids play, talk about what they're doing.  Give him attention that isn't directed at manipulating his behavior.  Don't praise him for doing what you want, either. Enjoy it inwardly, but don't express it to him.

>>Breaks don't happen spontaneously - plan time to yourself, or even just with you and the baby.  Make it happen, because if you are feeling like you're drowning and overwhelmed, you can't be a good parent.

>>Re-frame your perspective of him.  Don't box him into being "lazy" or "girly."  Focus on his positive attributes.

>>Understand the world from his perspective - toddlers are not miniature adults.  Reading The Emotional Life of a Toddler is a good start.  You might realize that he's asking for your attention (even negative) by intentionally doing the opposite of what you want, or asserting his will, or fighting you for power, or searching for boundaries, etc.  It will help you view his actions in a more positive light when you understand that he isn't trying to piss you off.

>>While we're on the topic of books, look into Unconditional Parenting.  Since you already have some feelings about your son that aren't positive (I'm not saying we/mothers in general ONLY have positive things to say about our kids, but the negatives seem bear more weight with you than they should), I think it's extra important that he not pick up on that.  He'll end up either constantly trying to meet your expectations of him or rebel against you, and either way will demolish his self esteem.  He needs to know that you love him no matter what, and just saying "I love you no matter what" isn't enough; you have to show it by actually accepting him as he is.

I hope you get help for getting through what is obviously a tough time.

[MyDiagonalLife]

I know you don't need yet another response to this, but I felt the need to provide a personal story.  I am a 30-year old gay man who was raised in a small post-industrial city in Michigan.  As a child, I was clearly different from other men.  Not only was I gay, but I was also an introvert- both of these are orientations that are completely biological (this is not my opinion, it is science).  I preferred to play by myself or with one other close friend.  My family had expectations, however, about how boys should behave- and they imposed these expectations on me.  I was expected to play sports and to "learn how to fight."

I clearly remember my mother once taking a neighbor boy into her confidence and asking him to teach me how to play football.  My uncles would ask me what sports I was going to play at school, and they even coached some of the teams that I was supposed to play on.  I did play the sports, but I played them badly- which was even more embarrassing.  I even remember feeling the need to start a fight with a neighbor boy- I decided that I had to actually get in a fight or I would never meet my family's expectations of how a boy should behave.  Luckily, a neighbor woman with better sense intervened.  Can you imagine?  Your son putting himself in danger because of your expectations about him- not because he wants to, but because he thinks that you'll always consider him to be "weird" or "a freak" unless he does.

Now imagine what this has done to me.  As an adult, I struggle with confidence issues all the time.  I never feel like I'm good enough, even when people constantly tell me that I'm awesome.  No matter what I do, that little boy inside will never be "a man," and he will never be good enough.  I should have been an artist or a writer, but instead I'm going into Accounting.

What should my parents have done?  They should have encouraged me to be who I was, all the way.  I never received music lessons, art lessons, etc.  I wasn't encouraged to join book clubs, to enter art contests, to do what I loved to do.  I loved to garden, and I would frequently garden with this elderly woman down the road who shared my passion.  Instead of embracing this passion of mine, my mother asked me if the woman "ever touched me."  After that, I never helped the lady in her garden again.

No doubt your son loves to do certain things.  Let him explore those things.  Let him be who he is- he has a much better chance at being the best version of who he truly is than he does at being who you want him to be.

[hildare]

aw, diagonal... huge hugs for you.

[SquidMommy]

I don't get it. If you had a daughter that did all the things you want your son to do, would you be posting here to say she was too active, not dainty, or perhaps unsure of her sexuality?

Your kid who he is. And, if he's particularly sensitive, he's for-sure picking up on how angry, irritable, frustrated, and disappointed you are in him. I'd clam up and quit trying, too. If he's unsure of how to participate, or some activities are intimidating to him (like a big slide, or swings where he only sees older kids), he might hesitate. If he hesitates and then sees you get all bent out of shape, he's just going to stop trying. Are you helping him learn how to proceed, or are you just showing irritation that he's not proceeding on his own? Are you helping him navigate new social situations, or are you expecting him to innately know what to do? Hint: A child is not going to automatically know how to proceed, even with kids his own age, when what's modeled for him, from you, is hostility.

He also might be holding back because with a new infant, he is trying to purposefully get more attention from you. Maybe your time can't be divided equally between your two kids, but have you set any time aside to just be with your son one-on-one? Full of praise and support and focus on what he does that you DO like? He might be feeling slighted, and is regressing a bit so he gets as much attention as the baby does. Just sayin'.

[LitMom]

I have not read this entire thread, but it sounds like the OP got a lot of the issues regarding gender addressed already. (I don't think the OP child sounds  girlish in any way; and if he did, I think that would be totally fine too.) 

But, if you feel that your child is truly inactive, and especially if he's inactive compared to his own behavior as of a few months ago, you might want to look into lead testing or allergy testing. I had a 2 year old with elevated lead. Not high enough to report to the city, but high enough to try to locate the source of it. (Looks like for us it had to do with some recent renovations at a home we had been visiting, not at our own, thankfully!) She was very tired, dark circles under the eyes, and had diminished physical activity. She would play for 5-10 minutes at the playground and then lay down in the middle of the playground. And repeat. Sure, kids might be tired one day or for a time, they might lay down in part of their play, be shy, be contented and not particularly active. But as a parent, I think you can tell when something is off with your own child. Allergies can have a similar effect, apparently, including the dark circles under the eyes even when the child has gotten a normal nights' sleep. 

[Cujobunny]

^ Ummmm .... I...... uhh...... wow.

[Lazurii]

*removed awesome logic since the post it was referring to was deleted*

Edited by Lazurii - 1/25/13 at 2:55pm

[ShyingViolet]

Originally Posted by kandycane 

{offensive post removed by moderator}

Edited by ShyingViolet - 1/27/13 at 10:34am

[MeepyCat]

Originally Posted by kandycane 

I would be concerned too. .. his manly traits is VERY important. Us parents want our children to be mentally and physically healthy and this kid sounds lazy.

(Passing over all the parts of your post that I think are flat-out offensive...)

- How do we define "lazy"?  Because when I get to choose what I do for fun, I often sit around - I'll read, or sketch, or call up one of my sisters on the phone.  I've spent entire days on the beach and only gone into the water to cool down, not even to swim.  Doesn't mean I'm lazy - I'm a pretty industrious person.  A trip to the playground is supposed to be an opportunity for a child to do something he (or she) enjoys.  If your kid doesn't enjoy it, why go?  If your kid only likes the swings, what's the problem?  If your preschooler wants to just watch the other kids (which is a reasonable thing - how do you think kids learn how to interact socially with their peers?), why not just sit on the curb and be companionable?

- I have no idea what traits are "manly".  Liking sports?  Kissing girls?  Driving a car?  People who aren't straight men do all of those things, and express them as parts of their identities.

- In what way is "manliness" (whatever you think it is) an appropriate expectation of a preschool aged child?  There's a pretty strong implication that a man is an adult.  Kids need to be kids!

[bmcneal]

While I have never gone near as far as the OP, I have had some pretty depressing/hurtful thoughts about my children. But that was when I realized that I needed help, and was relapsing(?) back to mental unwell, and I sought help. While the extent the OP went with her post, to me, was very upsetting, I do understand, to a point, having feelings similar to those. I also realize and understand it is at that point, if you couldn't/wouldn't/didn't before, that you need to get help.

OP, I am very sad for your son. I hope that you have found the help you need to help focus yourself again, and to have the best possible relationship with your children.

[jmarroq]

Sounds like my son, but he had developmental delays. Although he walked on time, he never could keep up with kids his age, and I think as he got older, he was sort of frustrated by it, and that is why he avoided active play. He could not peddle a bike at all. Never rode a tricycle on his own...eventually learned on a big boy bike when he had more muscle and core strength and coordination...after years of OT.

If your son actually says he wants to "do it all by myself"...that is wonderful! My son never said this. It was so difficult for him to ride a bike and it made him mad. I used to have to push him. 

I would try to be patient, although I know how hard it is. I wound up doing a lot of stuff for my son because I ran out of patience waiting for him to do it, and I think it made him less independent. His therapists had a lot more patience than I did!

Your son may be avoiding things besides the swing at the park because he doesn't feel safe on them yet or he just can't keep up with the other kids, so he doesn't even try. He may not feel coordinated enough to handle them yet. If you feel he is at an age where he should have more coordination, it can't hurt to have him evaluated. If it's nothing, great. If he has significant fine/gross motor issues, hypotonia, dyspraxia, sensory processing issues, a weak core or some other underlying neurological issues, etc. at least you will know and be able to help him.

[serenbat]

since this thread is a year old and the OP hasn't posted since- I highly doubt she cares

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Friends, I have removed a post that goes against MDC's policy regarding hate speech and sexually explicit content. Please edit your posts that refer to this comment. And, please, if you see posts like that make the flag feature your friend! No need for a post like that to hang around for 3 days. Thanks! 

[Lazurii]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama 

 And, please, if you see posts like that make the flag feature your friend! No need for a post like that to hang around for 3 days. Thanks! 

I did flag it, the day it was posted...