Toddler hitting her head against things???

[mama.nesta]

My girl is now 19mo. and has an extensive vocabulary and expresses herself well, which is why this particular behavior is even more disturbing because I know she could tell me what is going on. When she is frustrated or I tell her she can't do something she bonks her forehead on the nearest hard object...she then says ouch or cries.  I have been fluctuating between trying not to react or grabbing her and looking her in the eye telling her that I love her and don't want to hurt herself.  She continues to do it, though...what is up??  Has anyone ever witnessed this before?  What should I do??

[lovepickles]

DD went through a couple days of doing this. This is a great teachable moment. If you have a strong reaction they will do just about anything to get you to react that way again. This includes hurting themselves. At 19 months they can't really differentiate between hurt, surprise, happiness ... it all sounds like a fun noise coming from mommy.

I'd recommend the next time she bangs her head on something that you acknowledge her pain when she looks at you and simply ask "What happened? If she doesn't answer say "Did you bump your head?" and stay REALLY calm but sympathetic. I'm now in the habit of being really quiet if she gets hurt and asking her what happened. Now she tells me about her accidents and the act of expressing herself actually makes her feel better.

I think she's got to learn that if she smacks her head that it just hurts. No "fun" reaction from mom just gentle sympathy ... let her get bored from the pain.

[mama.nesta]

Thanks... I'm trying to minimize my reactions but she continues doing it and has now also added pulling her hair to the repetoire...

[lovepickles]

Yah in that case I'd go so mellow she'd confuse you for being asleep. Stopping her will only delay her knowledge of the consequences. I remember DD freaking out banging her head on the arm of the couch then biting it after not being able to get a foothold ... so i pretended to be reading my laptop from across the room (although in my heart I was cringing) She actually started biting her own arm. Be unaware of the action until she comes to you she's got to work it out. When she does simply pat her use very mild comforting words and passively mention how painful it is to pull on hair or bang her head. In my case i gently traced my fingers over her tooth marks and said that that must hurt. There was a point in her freakout that she looked at me and I made eye contact but just watched. She totally quit after she realized I wasn't going to freak out WITH her. But she did get my comfort and sympathy.

If her meltdowns are in direct response to your interaction it helps to tell her what she CAN do as an alternative. For example: She is tugging on our cat's tail. Instead of saying stop doing that (which are the first words that come easily to mind) I tell her to try patting his head gently and give him kisses. (Our cats are very tolerant). If she doesn't go for it and continues to torture the cat I ask her where something is and she usually goes to find it. The "where is your ____ " game is a LIFE saver when you have no idea what to do next. Instant find and seek ... but only name something she CAN find. :)

Kids this age find themselves at a dead end when they aren't allowed or can't do something. All they can think about is what they were trying to do and how upset they can't do it anymore. Show them an alternative and they can move on much easier. Or keep new ideas flowing into their brains so they don't even pause about your suggestion. Moms who have frequent fun suggestions can be heard in the noisiest of situations. The trick is to always have something in your queue to distract or move on (stickers, sensory tubs, a toy rotation, cell phone, toilet paper, etc.)

[neonalee]

Thank goodness for this thread! Thank you for asking & thank you fir all of the currently VERY relevant ideas!

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