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Realizing you're queer after becomming a parent

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 

A friend of mine grew up with all brothers and a mother who was distant with her. My friend now has two daughters and says that being surrounded by their feminine energy woke her up to the realization that she is a the least, bi-sexual.

 

We've been friends for a while, and of course I've already assured her that whatever she needs to do I will support.

 

My question is, has anyone had that experience - waking up to your true sexuality because you became the parent of a girl? I know she is a wonderful Mom, and her daughters adore her. I feel like if she goes around saying her daughters woke her to the fact that she's bisexual people might take it the wrong way.

 

She just told me this morning so I suppose I'm still processing it. She is married and she says (and I agree) that her husband might not like the idea. He probably wouldn't leave her, but she isn't planning to tell him soon. She doesn't have a lover and doesn't even really know if she wants one.

 

How do I support her, and what advice can I offer, if any?

post #2 of 8

I can't say that I've got any friends who came to the realization that they were in some way queer specifically after having daughters, but it isn't uncommon for people to not know when they first start their family about being LGBTQ.  

 

I'm certain that your friend doesn't intend to come across saying that her daughters "turn her on", but my fear is that some people will definitely take it to mean that.  Were I you, I would encourage her to be truthful with herself, but maybe to not offer that detail in her coming out, if she chooses to come out.  Many women in monogamous relationships with men happen to be bisexual but just don't tell people about it because it doesn't matter - they are committed to their husbands.  Bisexual women in open marriages or relationships likely do things differently.  I would just hate to see your friend be ostracized because of a misunderstanding.  Maybe suggest she volunteer fewer specific details as to how she discovered her sexuality.  

 

Also, obviously I don't know your friend, but she may be really needing someone to process this information with for herself.  She might need support and encouragement to continue to learn what being bisexual might mean for her, her husband, and her family.  

 

I kind of feel like the best thing you could do for her is to let her know you are open to talking about it and let her take it from there.  Perhaps she doesn't want or need to discuss it further - but my guess would be that's not the case.  Maybe talking with her about it will also help you process the information more, too. 

 

Good luck!  I'd say your friend is fortunate to have someone in her life she feels confidence in enough to tell and put herself out on that limb.  Thank you!  

post #3 of 8

Hear hear. Excellent answer, Desert. I agree.

post #4 of 8

I made my transgender connection after having my son. I've identified as bi since high school, but after having my son it clicked that I don't actually have to be feminine, despite being a mom and the mom of a girly girl. My genderqueerness had been hiding in my psyche since I was, oh, 20, and started trying to be something I wasn't because I thought that was necessary to the path to parenthood dictated by my biology.

 

There's a spiritual component to it for me that maybe is tied to carrying around that male energy, and having it wake up my own.

 

I think for some people, pregnancy and childbirth as transformative events can have a big impact on the spirit/psyche, and lead to self-awakening in a variety of ways.

 

 

post #5 of 8
Thread Starter 

Thank you for all the helpful answers - she is doing well and I've showed her your replies :)

post #6 of 8

Hola!

 

I went trough something similiar.

I knew from an early age that I was bisexual. I lived this aspect of my sexuality pretty freely. Then, for about 9 years, I went into a male partner only phase, and had a baby. Mothering sure changes many things, on many levels, and I felt that in some way, the experience of mothering took me closer to my dyke side. My baby, now 4 is a boy. So its not his energy, but the energy circulating trough me bringing me closer to my lesbianity hahaha.

 

I started having all this sensasions and feelings, so I posted in a lesbian and bisexual forum, in the mothering section. Oh! Big mistake....people completely misunderstood, maybe I didn[t explain myself right, I give them taht, but really nasty things were said. I tried to explain that female sexual energy runs trough two channels> one is the adult, coital one, and the other the one associuated with pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding. And that it wasn[t my child who I fetl atracted to, but trough the sexual energy in mothering (not coital, not adult) I was getting in touch with my desire for women, for a more periferic sexual relationship(like, not phallic), my longing for a softer, femenine partner. 

 

Anyways, is not the same as your friend, but i learned that only to very specific people i can talk about this about. Women who have read some of the books I read, who take parenting in the way i do, knowing it is a continuum of female sexuality. 

 

Now, I fully identify myself as queer femme, since i am queer, feminine and a feminist, and that[s too complicated for some people too! ha!

pansexual o quadsexual is too much to understand. But really, i go beyond binarisms, and felt attracted to transgendered people too. 

I am married also, wich is dificult, since we dont have an open relationship per se, and i havent been with anyone yet, but have a dear long distance girlfriend and eventually we will meet again. Thats a conversation i need to have with him, since i love him madly but this is just who i am.

 

Hope reading more experiences helped your friend feel less alone, Rading hers made me feel less alone!

 

Hugs!

 

 

post #7 of 8

No real advice, but I can relate. I've always known I was bi, but after having dd3 I've realized I'm really only attracted to women. Nothing to do with the sex of my kids or even really them specifically- I actually think most of it was realizing how much I hate being pregnant, and I hate it because it changes my body in ways my identity isn't comfortable with. I've been so involved with men mostly due to peer pressure and the way society is, but I've never really been comfortable BEING with them. I think as I'm getting older (I'll be 30 soon, kind of a milestone), I'm getting more of a "f- it" attitude. I'm engaged to be married, and it's on hold for now. I tried to suggest to him gently that maybe we needed to separate, because our relationship has been anything but ideal, and he threatened to take the kids, car, and cut off the money supply. Well, I'm totally able to take care of myself and have worked to support myself since I was 15 (home with the kids right now), and the car is in my name so a quick call to the police would remedy that situation, so I'm not sure why he thought that stuff would phase me, but the thing about the kids killed me. So we are going to try and get some sort of mediation or therapy to work our issues out, and hopefully he will come to see that we don't need to hate each other and life could go on after we separate. He knows threatening me like that was wrong, and apologized almost right away (he said this to me 2 days post partum, so it hit me really hard... I was really a mess for days), but he screwed up any trust dynamic we had going. In the meantime, our insurance won't cover any therapy or anything, and we are super broke (working on changing it, but it will take a while)... so we are stuck in the most awkward relationship, and spend a lot of time trying to tolerate each other for the kids' sake. We argue a lot more than I'd like, and I want to move on so badly to a more healthy relationship so the girls can see that this is NOT what they need to go through as adults.

 

Anyway, sorry to go on about my life and drama in your thread! It has been interesting reading everyone else's stories as well.

post #8 of 8

FWIW, DP realized she was queer before having children but didn't have the opportunity to act on it as she met baby daddy and ended up dating him even though she wanted to explore relationships with women. Long story short, they ended up with a third who was present at the younger DD's conception and ended up carrying on with baby daddy in secret which is why they ended up separating. Now the third is baby daddy's wife and they have a kid together, so that's all a weird situation, but as soon as that was over, DP knew she was done with men from that point on. I wonder if it's not so much having girls as it is getting the biological imperative to breed out of the way. After DP had kids, she had no desire to be with a man again although she identified as bisexual before. Interestingly, she knows other women from various playgroups when the kids where very little who have since come out as queer and come to her for advice regularly. I also know adults whose mothers came out after their kids grew up and moved out of the house. If there were no biological need to make babies, I think more people would be queer, honestly. I also know a handful of people whose dads came out after their mothers died of cancer at middle age or got divorced.

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