Raising step children who have disablitys

[Shydev21]

My husband and I met five years ago and hit it off right away, he informed me that he had girls that were twins and a son. We had been dating for about a year when his ex finally agreed to every other weekend visits with them, however the visits were hard because the kids had no rules at her house, the twins then were 4 and didn't really talk and both were in dipers, they all were very violent with each other and my own two children who are 10 amd 9. After the first few visits I started seeing signs of abuse and neglect, so we potitioned the courts and got them full time. With in a year of that the twin being 5 almost 6 were never bathed after visits they would react in innaproperat ways, violance, lying , stealing food, hurting animals ect.. while the 10 year old who was 7 had spent the first year sending my son a year younger to the er a number of times for his temper out bursts. The judge finally asked the bio-mom for a drug screen and supervised visits that was two years ago and she has not seen the kids since legally. She will call and leave long messages which sets them off , so we got a phone that has it were you have to call to get the messages, stops by our house, threatens to get a lawyer, you name it, and still after all the councelors the diagnoses of Reactive attachment disorder in all three kids and the twins mood swind disorders( Tanturms that last 3-6 hours and extreamly violent) a judge will not allow me to adopt them. My step son is 10 now and mad I dont tell a judge I want to be his mom, this starts his poor behavior. They has accused me of hurting them several times and CPS has subjected myself and my family to embarassment, asking me if i did drugs haveing me take drug test, and then asking my neighbors, then telling my husband and i different stories trying to make us feel i dont know guilty each time we were found not guilty, we have shown them that in tantrums the kids will manipulate people to WIN... we have them in counceling all the kids attend two times a week and have changed our life to help them grow and learn the right way, but I can be called mom. I have felt so bad latley wondering if fighting for them is even worth it, they will make progress then without any warning be horrible again and it lasts weeks if not months and the lying gets so hard to bare. I feel like I am a horrible person but i make sure someone is around myself and the kids at all times, should a mom feel that way? I love them so much, yet am terrifyed of them at the same time.

[Imakcerka]

I couldn't read and not post.  It sounds like a lot is going on.  I'm sorry this is so tough on the family as a whole.

[VocalMinority]

No, a mother shouldn't have to feel that way.  But all sorts of mothers feel ways they shouldn't have to.  Think of mothers whose kids get terribly hurt, or who have terrible diseases.  The latter is somewhat like your situation, really:  If you're committed to these kids, then you have to do the best you can to meet their needs.  But you may not be able to fix everything, even though you do your best.  We mother the children we have, as they are.  When the results make you cry, I guess you hope there will be some peace in knowing you stepped up to the plate and did what you could even though it was hard.  If they're always damaged, it won't be because you failed them - and at least they will have had you. 

Perhaps, instead of thinking of them as potentially "normal" kids who keep falling short of your hopes for them, it would help to consider that they might be basket-cases in an institution somewhere, but instead they're functional...if not all the time, at least some of the time.

Under the circumstances, it sounds like you are wise not to let yourself be alone with your step-kids.

It doesn't sound like you're considering leaving the marriage.  And it doesn't sound like you can stay in the marriage and not remain committed to the kids.

So, hugs!  (Sorry, smilies aren't working on my computer tonight.)