My oldest was born via c-section in 2003. It wasn't just the induction and c-section that was traumatic for me, but because of some of the complications that led me to having the c-section in the first place they ended up taking him to the NICU just in case and then, even though he was fine, wouldn't let him out until I left the hospital. And the NICU nurses were horrible to me, on top of that, and acted like my desire to breastfeed was an inconvenience. But I blame it all on the c-section that I let them perform.
My younger boy was a successful VBAC, in the hospital. I had to go through several doctors and through all the fears - what if I can't push him out, what if I don't go into labor, etc. But I did it, I had him. I felt so good about it, really. It was very healing.
Or so I thought. When we started trying to get pregnant with this one, years later, I actually felt nervous - I thought, maybe I shouldn't be tempting fate, having a third child, when I had a successful VBAC with the last one - what if I ended up having another terrible birth experience? Not nervous enough to stop trying, but the thought was there.
Now I am pregnant, 16 weeks along, and I think about it more and more. I really just wanted a relaxing pregnancy after the one with all the fears and self-doubt and fighting, but sometimes I am just so scared that it will happen again, that some quirk or fluke, that no matter how much I educate myself, even though we're planning a homebirth this time, it's going to happen again, and I just can't bear the thought of having to have another c/s. Especially because this is most likely going to be my last pregnancy.
It's not something I obsess over, or think about all the time, but I'm still quite far from the birth, so I suppose that could change. I just really hoped that this could be all behind me. We're having the first ICAN meeting in our chapter that we've had in a while next weekend, and I will definitely mention it (but our meetings are, sadly, not well attended) but I just thought I would see if anyone else knows how I feel. There are so many moms out there who need support who haven't even had a VBAC yet and I sort of feel like...I don't know. Like this shouldn't be a problem again. Does anyone have experience with this? How do you deal with it?