If pregnant, EDD: 7/11
Size and/or weight (if you want to share): 18-20; 245 pounds
Time TTC: 3 months
Other children? no
Hi everyone! I'm 35 and pregnant with my first. I've been fat all my life and was at a place where I wasn't all that worried about my weight before TTC, but I gradually started obsessing over my weight and health when I started having pregnancy appointments. I apologize for the long saga that follows... it's just nice to be with people who will hopefully understand or empathize with my experiences.
My midwife is of the opinion that I probably have chronic hypertension. (My blood pressure runs about 130/80; for example, on Saturday it was 108/80 and yesterday 129/76.) She referred me to a high-risk doc for this reason, and that appointment was really traumatic. I honestly expected to walk in there with a log of BP readings and have the doc say "OK, these are borderline/pre-hypertension, let's keep an eye on this, here are some dietary changes you can make, keep checking it at home and come back in x weeks so we can check on it." Instead she zeroed in on the 2 readings out of about 20 that were in the upper 130s/80 and said she agreed that I had chronic hypertension, then ordered an EKG and a glucose challenge test that I had done that same day. I was 12 weeks! (I haven't heard back about these tests yet, and it's been a couple of weeks, so I've been hoping/assuming the results were OK.) I was crying by the end of the appointment; luckily DH was there to support me. I think my midwife practice is going to dump me because of the BP issue, which is upsetting.
The high-risk doc also was really pushing me to see a dietitian because I had gained too much weight to date, but I am avoiding that so far because I have a history of binge eating, and anyone lecturing me about my diet turns me into a ball of shame and self-hate instantly. I already feel incredibly guilty about how I eat, and anyway I'm not fat because I'm stupid about nutrition. I've always felt like pretty much every fat and thin person alike knows what they should and shouldn't be eating. I personally am fat partially because of genetics, but probably mostly because I like to eat, and food makes me feel better when nothing else does. This is not ideal, but honestly I've been struggling with it since I was about 10, and I'm just tired of every single day resolving to do better and every single day failing. At some point you want to just not worry about it for 5 minutes.
Here's the thing. I'm a proponent of HAES and healthy living, but I personally am really not fit and healthy. I hate my job, and that causes me a lot of stress. I try to eat fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains as much as possible (and do fairly well much of the time), but I won't turn down the occasional donut and I can't say my snacks consist of celery or kale chips most of the time. Basically I'd say I watch my diet about as much as an average to moderately health-conscious thin person, but when you're fat, every little "bad" choice gets blown up into a symbol of why you're a heart attack waiting to happen. I work out occasionally, but because of my job sucking my will to live (and probably also because I'm just out of the habit, and out of shape enough that it doesn't feel good like it used to), I struggle to get to the gym more than once a week these days. There are weeks when I don't go at all. Starting in 2006, I lost over 100 pounds on Weight Watchers; I've since gained back about 70. In my thinner (not thin... I was still BMI-overweight even at my most fit) days, I ran 30+ miles a week and did a couple of half marathons. Even at near what I weigh now this summer, I was still running occasionally, but now it's a struggle to get myself to do anything at all.
All of this to say that I'm in this weird limbo where I've never been a model fit fat person, and there are definitely things I'd like to improve; but at the same time I don't feel like my lifestyle is that terrible either, and I wish I could just cut myself a break. I realize this may not be a very productive opinion, but right now I think I would benefit most from just finding a way to stop obsessing and beating myself up over my weight and blood pressure. I can only do the best I can, so adding worry and stress to the equation can't be helping. I've heard a lot of fat people speak about the frustration of eating basically a perfect diet and still not being able to lose weight, and I have a lot of shame over that because I can, physically, lose weight. I just seem to have the least willpower of anyone I've ever met, and every time I resolve to do better in one way or another, I always fail. I'm so tired of feeling like a worthless slob.
Wow! I know I sound like a total disaster in this post, but I just wanted to be honest about what I am feeling and struggling with right now. Thanks for listening.