Originally Posted by 2sweetsparrows
With this pregnancy my husband has started to bring up how much he misses the twins- I have been trying to ignore it- but everything about this pregnancy reminds me of them and how elated I was -then devastated I became. I really miss them and am so very forever sad that they did not get to make it into this world- I just have a hard time talking with him about it because I want to feel excited and happy about this pregnancy and this baby (which I do) - we have had a really hard time processing it because the hurt is always there. I feel like it is a cloud that lingers over my whole life- I wish things had gone differently- but here we are with a new wonderful life and this life will never 'know' its older brothers- I just have to be okay with it all but it is hard-
You will always and forever miss them. They were a very real part of your lives even if they didn't make it to the outside for others to know and love. They were your babies. You were their mama. Forever and always.
I've read a lot of discussions and pages that deal with miscarriage/stillbirth/infant loss. One thing mentioned by others (who haven't experienced the pain) is that they don't know what to say because they don't want to "bring back hard memories" for the loss mamas. I saw a quote that has really touched me and stuck with me. Basically, it said that one can never "bring back" hard memories because a mother will never forget the loss of her child. It's always there. In everything. And that is OKAY. You don't just 'get over' losing a child. The more time passes, the easier it becomes to deal with life's daily grind, but you certainly never forget. You just cope better. You smile at the memories of knowing your children even briefly, even if never in person.
I have only experienced one loss. But it was recent. In fact, I should still be pregnant with that baby (who I believe to be a girl and named Violet Anne). I'd be 35 weeks or so I think. I'd be almost full-term and have the clear for a homebirth at any time.
But instead I lost her. And I lost part of me. Literally, of course, but also figuratively. But... it's not just that I lost her, I lost part of my future, part of my husband's future, and part of the future of my four older daughters. It's an absence that will never be filled. It can't be. Because we're all beautiful, unique people (I can look to my four daughters and realize just how different babies from the same parents and raised pretty much the same way, can differ!!). Your sons were beautiful, unique little boys that helped shape your life and the life of your husband.
I know I have changed because of my loss. Of course I still carry the same name, I still parent the four girls I have, I still stay at home, go to church, etc, etc... but on the inside, I'm different. Experiencing the most painful loss a mother can ever feel will never leave you the same. I try to take the good that I can find from this. From Violet, I have learned to have so much more compassion for those other mamas who have loved and lost. From Violet, I have learned to try to help others realize that in painful situations with grieving individuals, there *are* no right words to say... but that silence is the most painful of all. From Violet, I've learned how even an, "I'm so sorry," to somebody hurting can help to lift them up from the depths of dispair. From Violet, I've learned no kind gesture is ever too small. And from Violet, I've learned we all have our burdens to bear... we all have stories...
I will continue to hold you in my heart. I pray that you're able to feel the joy of this new life growing inside of you while still sorting through the pieces of mourning for your twin sons. It feels like such a paradox. One I find I'm living right at this moment as well.