My baby is not "happy". - Page 2 « Back to Group Discussions

[TalkToMeNow]

Ah... then J (my J ) can do that. I think. Like at midnight or so, when I go to sleep, he will have being laying in the bed sleeping for two hours or so at that point. I always put a fresh diaper on him at that point to maximize my sleep time. So I change his diaper and he opens his eyes an looks around and fusses a tiny bit. By the time I've put the old diaper in the pail and come back to bed, he's asleep. Same goes for during the night: sometimes he doesn't want to nurse back to sleep. He'll just lie there quietly and then fall asleep. So I guess that is self-soothing? Whatever it is, I think it makes me lucky! Never had a baby do that before. 

Originally Posted by jbk21 

FWIW Dr Sears says this about it especially with regard to sleeping: "While some babies are self-soothers, being able to resettle easily and quickly without outside help, others (especially those high-need babies with more persistent personalities) need a helping hand (or breast, or whatever tool you can muster up at 3:00 a.m.)"  and "NIGHTTIME PARENTING LESSON #2:

Some babies need help getting back to sleep.

Some "resettlers" or "self-soothers" can go through this vulnerable period without completely awakening, and if they do wake up, they can ease themselves back into a deep sleep. Other babies need a helping hand, voice, or breast to resettle back into deep sleep. From these unique differences in sleep cycle design, we learn that one of the goals of nighttime parenting is to create a sleeping environment that helps baby go through this vulnerable period of nightwaking and reenter deep sleep without waking up."

So when I refer to self-soothing, I'm using it in the same way as Dr. Sears, not the same way as Ferber, you know what I mean?

[Abraisme]

Okay, by this description my 2 older kids were over 2yo before they did this on a regular basis.  Coralie still does not do it often enough to count.  If she wakes up at night she either wants to nurse or be patted.  She sleeps in a carrier during the day, as she won't sleep alone for more than a few minutes. 
 

Originally Posted by jbk21 

FWIW Dr Sears says this about it especially with regard to sleeping: "While some babies are self-soothers, being able to resettle easily and quickly without outside help, others (especially those high-need babies with more persistent personalities) need a helping hand (or breast, or whatever tool you can muster up at 3:00 a.m.)"  and "NIGHTTIME PARENTING LESSON #2:

Some babies need help getting back to sleep.

Some "resettlers" or "self-soothers" can go through this vulnerable period without completely awakening, and if they do wake up, they can ease themselves back into a deep sleep. Other babies need a helping hand, voice, or breast to resettle back into deep sleep. From these unique differences in sleep cycle design, we learn that one of the goals of nighttime parenting is to create a sleeping environment that helps baby go through this vulnerable period of nightwaking and reenter deep sleep without waking up."

So when I refer to self-soothing, I'm using it in the same way as Dr. Sears, not the same way as Ferber, you know what I mean?

[jbk21]

I don't know- I think that from what Jaimee said, it is the ability to calm anxiety as the child grows and matures.  We all develop that skill eventually.  It can't be expected of infants, though, I don't think.  

From what I mean and what Dr. Sears is referring to- some children can just resettle more easily on their own.  However, I don't know that it's really that they are soothing themselves (D doesn't suck his thumb, he literally just lets out a few cries, then goes to sleep.  It's how I can tell he's tired)- perhaps they are just more vocal?  He's not distressed, for sure.  He's just about to fall asleep.  That's his cue.

But the idea of sleep training and self soothing is vastly different than what Jaimee or I are talking about (I'm assuming, right Jaimee?)  I'm not *teaching* Dylan to do this.  It's not something he *learned* or that I *forced* on him.  

I do think it's muddy though and without knowing what someone means by it, it's hard to judge if your child does that.  I'm probably not making sense either- still getting my coffee  
 

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

Hmm.. See, self-soothing has such a wide, vague answer, it's still not all that clear.  It's sort of personal opinion based on the quirks of each child.  I would say that from Jaimee's description that none of my kids were ever able to self-sooth.  My DD1 would pass out the moment that I swaddled her, but I was still intervening.  DD2 will fall asleep sometime with minimal effort, but vastly prefers to be held while sleeping.  Not one of my kids have been oral or have used sucking as comfort only.

[jbk21]

Owen was 2 before he could do it as well.  Dylan stirs in the night and settles himself back down multiple times before he truly wakes to eat and be changed.  Again, it could just be gas, LOL!
 

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

Okay, by this description my 2 older kids were over 2yo before they did this on a regular basis.  Coralie still does not do it often enough to count.  If she wakes up at night she either wants to nurse or be patted.  She sleeps in a carrier during the day, as she won't sleep alone for more than a few minutes. 
 

[TalkToMeNow]

Hmm... so maybe Jasper isn't self-soothing. Maybe his needs are just different. With dd1 and dd2, if they woke up, it was over. Sleep routine had to begin again. It was a constant game of "don't wake the baby!" J is just easier. If he wakes and is still tired, he just goes back to sleep. He loves to sleep. And as for teaching him to self-soothe or sleep training... eh, I know he'll sleep one day. I mean, I'm not going to be rocking him to sleep in college! Both my girls were going to sleep on their own by 3-4 years, so it'll happen one day. I'm okay with him taking his time! It's just not one of those things that gets to me. :)

[jbk21]

Originally Posted by TalkToMeNow 

Hmm... so maybe Jasper isn't self-soothing. Maybe his needs are just different. With dd1 and dd2, if they woke up, it was over. Sleep routine had to begin again. It was a constant game of "don't wake the baby!" J is just easier. If he wakes and is still tired, he just goes back to sleep. He loves to sleep. And as for teaching him to self-soothe or sleep training... eh, I know he'll sleep one day. I mean, I'm not going to be rocking him to sleep in college! Both my girls were going to sleep on their own by 3-4 years, so it'll happen one day. I'm okay with him taking his time! It's just not one of those things that gets to me. :)

Yeah- who knows.  I guess a better way to say it is Dylan settles back down without intervention.  Not self-soothing, because if he was truly distressed he would need intervention (that's my take, anyway, since I don't think babies can comfort themselves when upset).  

Owen was a "don't wake the baby" infant as well.  Still is, kind of!  He's a lighter sleeper, for sure.  I hope Dylan is a heavier sleeper, and it seems like he is so far.  We also don't try to 
"keep it down" for him- within reason of course.  Owen is still up and playing and making noise, I still do dishes, etc.  With Owen the house had to be SILENT for him to sleep.  Dylan sleeps through the chaos.    BUT while Dylan is "easier" in those respects, he is also a zero-to-sixty baby.  Wow, when he is upset he is LIVID and he gets there FAST.  It's crazy.  He goes from happy to screaming-can't-catch-his-breath in 2 seconds flat.  My sister is like that.  Oh, how I hope that he doesn't have a temper like her, haha!

[dashley111]

Wow, a lot of interesting thoughts!  I was just thinking about "self soothing" today.  Bettie cannot even being lightly stirred or awoken and get herself settled back down.  She very much liked to be held, or held tightly or wrapped.  Sometimes the only way to get her settled is to strip her and take off my shirt and use the Moby to wrap us skin to skin.  Her quiet alert time is VERY minimal.  She needs constant touch.  She absolutely will not sleep without being held. 

I may never have sex again, at this point

Also, thank you J, for the Dr Sears input- I really need to read some of his books again.

[TalkToMeNow]

Originally Posted by dashley111 

Wow, a lot of interesting thoughts!  I was just thinking about "self soothing" today.  Bettie cannot even being lightly stirred or awoken and get herself settled back down.  She very much liked to be held, or held tightly or wrapped.  Sometimes the only way to get her settled is to strip her and take off my shirt and use the Moby to wrap us skin to skin.  Her quiet alert time is VERY minimal.  She needs constant touch.  She absolutely will not sleep without being held. 

I may never have sex again, at this point

Also, thank you J, for the Dr Sears input- I really need to read some of his books again.

Can I out myself here and say that I'd be okay with the no sex right now?  Awful, right? I do it anyway, but have not really been in the mood since J was born. And he goes into a deep sleep for a guaranteed 3-4 hours every night by 10pm without fail. No baby excuse for me!

[dashley111]

Originally Posted by TalkToMeNow 

Can I out myself here and say that I'd be okay with the no sex right now?  Awful, right? I do it anyway, but have not really been in the mood since J was born. And he goes into a deep sleep for a guaranteed 3-4 hours every night by 10pm without fail. No baby excuse for me!

Nope not bad at all!  We haven't...at all...not even a little.  I have not even thought about it in realistic terms.  BUT, I know that the time is coming and my poor husband cannot take it much longer.

[meesh933]

Originally Posted by TalkToMeNow 

Can I out myself here and say that I'd be okay with the no sex right now?  Awful, right? I do it anyway, but have not really been in the mood since J was born. And he goes into a deep sleep for a guaranteed 3-4 hours every night by 10pm without fail. No baby excuse for me!

Oh, same here! We have, twice, but it sooo would not bother me if we didn't. Poor DH. By the time all three kids are in bed, I don't want anyone to talk to me or even look at me...

[TalkToMeNow]

I hate being that way! I'm sure dh just loves how my response to his wanting sex is, "sigh... Ok, but can we make it quick? I really want to read." So sexy, right? I'm trying to do better because I know how important it is to him and to our relationship. But it's tough in the beginning. Of course, I'm blaming part of it on the fact that I've already had one pp period and fertile cm, and no Mirena yet. So I don't want to end up pregnant!

[dashley111]

Originally Posted by meesh933 

Oh, same here! We have, twice, but it sooo would not bother me if we didn't. Poor DH. By the time all three kids are in bed, I don't want anyone to talk to me or even look at me...

Exactly.  For me, its that in the rare times I don't have a kid on me I don't want anyone hanging on me and touching me.  To have just 10 minutes of personal space...

[dashley111]

Originally Posted by TalkToMeNow 

I hate being that way! I'm sure dh just loves how my response to his wanting sex is, "sigh... Ok, but can we make it quick? I really want to read." So sexy, right? I'm trying to do better because I know how important it is to him and to our relationship. But it's tough in the beginning. Of course, I'm blaming part of it on the fact that I've already had one pp period and fertile cm, and no Mirena yet. So I don't want to end up pregnant!

I told my husband my birth control wont be ready for another week and he responded with "let's risk it".  I almost punched him in the throat.

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by jbk21 

But the idea of sleep training and self soothing is vastly different than what Jaimee or I are talking about (I'm assuming, right Jaimee?)  I'm not *teaching* Dylan to do this.  It's not something he *learned* or that I *forced* on him.  
 

Exactly... to me, self-soothing is something that the child learns on his/her own and it's up to us as parents to give the child the tools, space, time, etc. to learn this skill.  For babies this may be as simple as encouraging them to find their fingers by not covering their hands or using a paci.  But as Abra mentioned, not all infants are soothed by their fingers so in that case those infants may not have a tool to self-soothe and would always need external help to resettle until they are much older.

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by TalkToMeNow 

Can I out myself here and say that I'd be okay with the no sex right now?  Awful, right? I do it anyway, but have not really been in the mood since J was born. And he goes into a deep sleep for a guaranteed 3-4 hours every night by 10pm without fail. No baby excuse for me!

Um it's not awful at all, it's how you feel.  And I'll just go right out and say it... After my second, I didn't feel like having sex for about 6 months.  Seriously.  And even then if dh weren't obviously dying for it I would have happily gone on without it.  This time it's been much sooner that I feel ready, but we still haven't dtd yet as I'm still bleeding (5 weeks pp) and would prefer not to add that into the mix. 
 

[birdhappy85]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dashley111 

I told my husband my birth control wont be ready for another week and he responded with "let's risk it".  I almost punched him in the throat.

[A-time-to-live]

My first DD had food allergies and seemed unhappy to me.  I really believe it was discomfort and not temperament as she is now a very very happy almost-3-year-old.  Her baby sister seems soooo happy to me in comparison.  She actually smiles and coos and is beginning to laugh.  It's wonderful and I'm so glad I had them in the order in which I did!

[seraf]

It is hard to gauge the happiness of another person. My oldest looks very serious a lot. Even at the fair he doesn't smile, but he talks about how great it was for a month after. He just concentrates when he is takin it all in. 

S smiles a lot, but I think he is just trying to convince us how cute he is and that we should pick him up because he gets fussy within a couple of minutes. 

[MrsKatie]

Originally Posted by TalkToMeNow 

Can I out myself here and say that I'd be okay with the no sex right now?  Awful, right? I do it anyway, but have not really been in the mood since J was born. And he goes into a deep sleep for a guaranteed 3-4 hours every night by 10pm without fail. No baby excuse for me!

I was super lusty for DH for the first few weeks after KJ was born... but I have to say that my sex drive is different now.  I think a lot of it for me is that I feel like KJ's birth is still so recent and so raw in my memory.  That whole thing about "forgetting" the pain of labor? Uh... hasn't happened.  Not at all.  Not yet, anyway.  And that includes the insane pain I felt pushing her out.  That was the most intense part of the entire labor, by far.  I guess I am still mentally tied up in the sensation of it.  It's still SO fresh in my mind, and I feel like I have this new relationship with my body where my vagina and breasts are no longer sexual... they're related to baby.  And they're sensitive and have experienced pain that is still kind of traumatic.  Not necessarily in a negative way, but in a way that still feels fresh and raw.

And J - unless she's being nursed, KJ has a specific cry that means she's about to fall asleep, too.  So while I'm not letting her CIO, she often has to cry a little before she passes out.  DH has the magic touch where she falls asleep in his arms without a peep, but if she's in the carrier or in bed, she's gotta fuss a bit first.

[MrsKatie]

Originally Posted by seraf 

It is hard to gauge the happiness of another person. My oldest looks very serious a lot. Even at the fair he doesn't smile, but he talks about how great it was for a month after. He just concentrates when he is takin it all in. 

S smiles a lot, but I think he is just trying to convince us how cute he is and that we should pick him up because he gets fussy within a couple of minutes. 

Really good point.  When I'm happy/excited, I'm bouncing all over the place and won't shut up about something.  With DH, I always used to think he wasn't enjoying himself or was grumpy when in fact he's just not as demonstrative as I am.  He's one of the happiest people I've ever met, but he's on a very even keel and doesn't go nuts like I do.