There is no doubt that the stress I have been dealing with since before DS was born is finally taking its toll. My partner was emotionally abusive on a regular basis prior to the birth, then started up again less than two weeks after the birth, I've moved several times to try and get into a safer situation, remain homeless, evangelical Christian mother won't take me in because she doesn't like the fact that I practice Buddhist meditation, going back and forth with my partner who is now working hard in therapy and finally got a job.
So now that he is starting to work on things, I am starting to feel insane. I don't trust anyone. I am angry and irritable. The past few weeks I've been dealing with a plugged duct and then yesterday started with full blown mastitis. We are now staying with a new family who is letting us land here for a while and I feel at odds with the woman in the house here, but I can't tell if I'm being over-sensitive and paranoid or not.
Yesterday, for the first time in years, I seriously considered killing myself. I felt so crazed and sick, was out looking at a rental with my partner and baby, that I considered taking the car and driving it off of a cliff.
For months I felt so good about feeling relatively stable. I really felt great. Despite the stress, I didn't feel like my head was crazed. Now I suddenly don't know how to hold it together. I don't trust anyone, feel like everyone is trying to give me advice and bad advice at that, feel like a horrible mother despite so many people telling me that I am doing a great job.
I'm reluctant to pathologize my situation and place a diagnostic label on it as it seems reasonable to feel this stuff in light of the circumstances. But still, I feel downright insane.
Is this at all common, to develop ppd symptoms 5 months after the birth? I feel so alone and running on empty.