I feel really, really ... d r a i n e d today. I woke up today really zonked and I suppose I never recovered--my mouth and throat were super dry, I had strange dreams all night (various anxiety dreams about having to keep babies from falling in holes and stuff like that, another one about watching a baby fall from a carnival ride straight on its head and its mother doing nothing about it), and I woke up quite a few times having to pee so bad it hurt! I have absolutely no energy whatsoever today, so much so that I don't have the energy to even eat or sleep. It sucks because my man finished painting the baby's room two days ago which I've been excited about for months now, and I thought as soon as he was done painting I would immediately organize and decorate and nest but...ugh, I just don't have it in me.
I'm also feeling really down about the thought of not being pregnant much longer. I wish I was like the many ladies I know who are dying to have their babies, but I'm starting to really worry that I'm going to get depressed when I'm no longer pregnant. It's just so nice knowing that my baby is inside of me all warm and cozy and getting everything she needs--I can't bear the thought of having her out in the big, cold, mean world. The thought of anybody other than me, my man, and my midwives holding her is making me super wigged out. I suppose I'm having a lot of trouble *letting go* of having her safe and all to myself. I'm worried that I'm going to get super hormonal and possessive when she's out.
Not to mention that I have a very sketchy relationship with my mother. To make a super life-long story short, she left when I was 9 and my father raised me until I was grown. I never held any resentment toward her, but we've had a strange relationship ever since. We were getting along *ok* over the years, but she seems to have a strange jealousy over me and my happiness. When I told her I was pregnant, she didn't show any emotion whatsoever--was almost mean about it, and then I found out later that she went against my wishes to keep it under wraps until my 12th week and told my whole family (on my father's side--who she's been divorced from for years now!). Well, we didn't talk throughout much of the pregnancy until about a month or two ago, and it was *amazing*. For the first time in my life since I was a child, I felt like I had a mother--we talked about her pregnancies and she gave me advice--it was really, really nice. Then a week before Christmas she sent me a text message out of nowhere saying, "Goodbye, tell my granddaughter I love her and she will be missing a lot." I had no idea where this came from, and of course I tried contacting her to find out what happened, and she didn't answer my calls. It was pretty devastating--thinking that everything was better than it had been in years to then all of the sudden get a smack in the face like that a week before Christmas and a month before I'm due to have a daughter of my own. What I don't understand is her resentment toward me--*she's* the one that left *me*! Shouldn't *I* be the one holding resentment toward her??? And now, for the first time in my life, I'm angry, and finally feeling resentment toward her. The resentment builds when I think about the fact that she was inconsiderate to do this and leave me in the dark about it right before I'm about to have a baby--when I was feeling so, so blissful.
I don't know--to sum it up, I suppose I just feel like I want to go to bed and start over tomorrow. Sorry to be such a downer. I feel like this is my only outlet to let this out right now because I don't want to stress my man out about it while he's at work.