27 month old demanding "NO TALKING"

[lemontree]

My son has been an intense and opinionated boy since the moment he splashed out of the birthing pool and into the midwife's hands. 

Even as a newborn, his demands were specific.  For example, he would scream whenever he was around my MIL and as a new walker would refuse to go into her house for a long time.  She is the type of very loud babytalk in your face, vigorous bouncing, not able to read his cues when he stopped being into a game etc.  I would hate it too, but he let everyone know, well before he could talk.  Now that he has words, it's funny - MIL and him are best friends.  But he still can't stand her intensity. But he can let her know.... At Christmas dinner he would not come to the dinner table, saying "NO HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOUD" ( I guess we mostly end up at her dining room table on birthdays...) He took himself into the kitchen and pulled out a chair saying "want eat QUIET table"  And that is what he did.

I say this intro so you have an idea about his temperment.   This is what I am dealing with and it's getting worse not better--whenever we are out at a store and a stranger says hi to him he scowls and says loudly and clearly "NO"  When ANYONE speaks to me (esp people that he doesn't know, clerks etc) He screams "NO TALKING!" He even says it to DH sometimes!  He even gets specific--if the clerk and I are having small talk about the apples I am buying I hear "NO TALKING APPLES!" 

This is what I started saying when this began -- "I talk to our neighbors.  And no matter who I talk to, I am always your mommy."   I thought that would help.  Not so much.  We talk a lot, he and I...so I asked him after a particularly intense episode with a waitress why he says "no talking" , and how he feels when he yells it.... He said "sad.  talking make sad"  I asked "why?" He thought and said and signed "scared" I said "of what?" Long pause, "new people.  scared new people"   Then I told him that it's totally ok to feel that way, it's ok to feel shy....but it's not ok to be rude, so can we try to figure out different ways to deal with it?   I also told him that sometimes (not always) new people become new friends.  That Daddy and I used to be new people, and we met at school and became friends.

Right now as I type this he is beside me playing with fridge magnets chanting "no talking.  no Daddy comin'. Only mommy Only DS"

He has nursed on demand his whole life (now just nap and overnight), we co sleep.  I am a SAHM.  I take him to toddler activites and playgrounds often.  We have a group of friends (from prenatal yoga!) that he adores....so I think I have a balance of old and new in our routine....but  I am at my wits end--he was screaming "NO TALKING DADDY" all morning while DH was here.  And every time I take him in public he is yelling at people.  My mother came for the weekend and he spent it hollering "No talking Grandma!"

PLEASE any advice?  What am I missing?

[lemontree]

No one has any insight?

[jess in hawaii]

Sensory integration maybe? Sorry I don't have more insight, but you sound desperate (understandably) and the first thing I thought reading your post is that he might have some sensory integration issues, that would at least give reason for the inability to deal with loud noises. But I don't have any clue beyond that, sorry. Good Luck, hang in there and keep looking for answers.

[crunchy_mommy]

Auditory defensiveness is the first thing that comes to mind... which is a sensory integration issue... (quick summary here: http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-defensiveness.html) I'd consult an OT or Early Intervention, though to be honest, EI was not particularly helpful with DS's sensory issues (which is not to say that they weren't helpful at all... they just didn't seem well-versed in sensory therapies, but I think in many parts of the country EI can do these things more effectively... you might want to ask before you even make an appointment). Does he seem sensitive to sounds besides talking -- like the vacuum, blender, etc.? Does he tolerate female voices better than male (or vice versa)? Have you had his hearing checked? Any other issues or delays?

[lovepickles]

I feel like your kid on most days. I'm more of an introvert and I get annoyed by noises and people talking loud. Sometimes I'd rather be alone or with just a couple of people. I think it is a natural preference in a smaller percentage of people but I don't think it is cause for alarm. I think a lot of kids feel that way but they aren't able to articulate it. I think most just cry and fuss. It sounds like your son is good at expressing his preferences ... that is GOOD news. My daughter expresses her preferences, repeatedly but we have also worked on her empathy for others.

One thing he sounds ready for is a lesson in feelings that are not his own. Like if you are talking to someone and he interrupts you can use his words to describe what the other person might be feeling. Such as "Daddy sad he can't talk. Daddy loves to talk. Mommy likes Daddy to talk. Talking makes daddy happy. "

I think jealousy and rudeness is too complex of a concept for a child. I think sad and happy are adequate. I'd try to focus on how HAPPY you are when Daddy talks or Daddy comes home so he can see how you are pleased by these activities. This works on the playground for DD when someone wants to play with her. I say "Look how happy he is. He likes to play with your ball." The key is to turn his focus away from his irritation and look at how others find happiness in interacting.

[lemontree]

Hm....yes.  I can not use blender, mixer or vacuum when he is around.  But a couple of my friends have the same issues so I thought it might just be a baby-toddler thing? Oy.

His "no talking" stuff is much more intense when he is tired.  Sometimes I walk into loud and overwhelming space and am certain that we will have to leave and he is totally fine. 

I will look into the sensory issues some more,  I have been wondering about that for a while-- it seems to be linked to the intensity of the attention more than the sound if that makes sense...like he doesn't have the words to articulate what it is that bothers him when a stranger says hello so he just says NO.   Although he says he is scared of new people and honestly I can relate.  It takes me a while to warm up to new situations--but instead of yelling about it, I get shy and go into observer mode.

We had a really rough night.  Two year molars --and he's never been a great sleeper-and I'm 6wk preggo.  This morning he is so grumpy (me too honestly ) so we are going to take it very easy....

[crunchy_mommy]

Trust your gut! It may very well just be an attention thing, and he'll just need to get used it. I think my response was heavily influenced by my own issues (myself/DS) so don't worry for nothing. Sorry you are low on sleep, hope the molars pop through quickly & that you all can rest more!!

[lemontree]

Thanks lovepickles...

I have been feeling this struggle in him, like when he is saying "no talking daddy" and "ONLY MOMMY ONLY DS" He is struggling with the push and pull of being an autonomous being and attached to me.  It's like he is realizing the world is sooo big!

I think you are right about the other peoples feelings bit.

He's really good at understanding feelings, so maybe I should focus on how his actions make people feel.  I may have been shying away from doing so without realizing since I was raised in such a guilt trippy way--but I think you are right--this may be a good time to work on this.