Where's Mrs. Darling when you need her?...Update, reply #10

[VocalMinority]

Remember the part of Peter Pan where Mrs. Darling opens her children's minds and checks through their thoughts, while they're sleeping?  (That's how she learns about Peter.)  Anyone have the manual on how to do that?  I lost mine.

DSS (12) left for his winter break visit with his Mom, in CA, saying he didn't want to go - he didn't even want to have to go later, for spring break.  He was glad he got to spend Christmas here, even though she was furious about it.  

You'll just have to take my word for it, that he was not influenced to say any of that, by us.  Although it takes effort (sometimes a LOT), we are intentionally encouraging about him visiting her and remaining neutral when there's any conflict between his parents.

He came back 9 days later and is acting more-or-less fine.  (A little hostile toward me, which is unusual.  But he is turning around and doing or saying something nice, right afterward.  So he seems conscious of it and like he's trying not to be that way.)  

But it just came to my attention that he and Mom are again exchanging texts about how he only feels at home with her; and their plans for him to move back there and "always be together".  I'm not aware of him having done that with her since two summers ago, when he (later) said she really laid it on thick about how she's relying on him to testify that he wants to live with her and thereby right all the wrongs done to her in the custody battle.

Is he just saying what he thinks she needs to hear?  

Or, when he told DH he didn't want to have to visit her, did he not really feel that way?  

Is he just so conditioned to telling Mom he hates to leave her, that he told DH the same thing, by rote?  

Or is he so mutable that his feelings change that much in just a week, based on who he's with?  

What did she say to him while he was out there?

What does he truly feel, think and want?

Of course I don't expect anyone will be able to tell me that.  But that mind-checking manual would really come in handy, right now...

Edited by VocalMinority - 2/5/12 at 4:57am

[csekywithlove]

Oh, that's doesn't sound good. I may sound horrible here, but maybe his mother is now manipulating him. What I always hate about DSS going to visitation (last one was 16 months ago) is that I literally never know what she will say to him. My DSS is three and therefor impressionable but headstrong for his age. Perhaps your DSS feels this is the way to show his mother that he loves her and just go along with what she has been telling him. Have you thought about therapy for your DSS? He needs to be able to figure out what he truly feels, thinks, and wants on his own. A therapist might help him understand the whole situation better. His mother seems intent on trying to get custody back and now she is working on him, possibly? Prepping him to testify? I feel horrible for you DSS. It's emotionally and mentally draining for him, I'm sure. Sending good vibes, your way.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Or is he so mutable that his feelings change that much in just a week, based on who he's with?

I think this is most likely it. She's probably manipulating him to some degree, but remember how horrible the early teen years are (especially for boys!), and how moody they get. Throw into that already volatile mix a contentious cross country tug of war between parents (no matter how nice you and your DH are about it, his mom is downright awful to him when it comes to the guilt tripping and making him feel badly about the situation - you're doing the best you can, but she is making it VERY difficult for everyone, especially her son), and you can have some pretty mixed up feelings about where you should live, who you should want to live with, how much you like living where you are.....etc etc etc.

I know its hard, I know you do the best you can with what you've got. It's really all you can do, is just make him feel loved and accepted where he is, make sure he knows that he can come to either of you with his feelings (no matter what they are) and that you won't be angry - even if he DOES want to move to Cali. You can make clear that you won't support him in moving, and you will fight to keep him with you, but that you are OK with him feeling either way and expressing those feelings to you/DH and talking them through with him.

I always feel SO badly for your dss when you post about these things, I wish I could go to Cali and smack some sense into his mom for you all. She's a real crazy woman.

[VocalMinority]

Grrrrr....

A few days ago, DSS came home from school seeming fine and started on homework out in the living room with DH and me.  I remembered that a package had come from his mother and told him it was on his desk.  He went in to check, came out a while later to resume homework and suddenly - for the rest of the night - his head and stomach hurt.  He didn't want dinner or even hot tea or hot chocolate (his usual favorite comfort foods).  Finally, he took an hour-long shower and went to bed.  We assumed he must be getting sick and figured he might miss the next day of school.  But he woke up the next morning just fine and has been fine ever since.

It turns out the lovely gift his mother sent him is yet another "Mothers and Sons" novelty book, this one entitled "Why Sons Always Need Their Mothers".  Each page has a cute mom-and-son photo and one line about why having a mother nearby is so essential.  It's clearly intended as a gift for mothers, to remind them why they're so important.  But once again, it's being used to remind DSS why he should never stop grieving his separation from his mother.  Some of the lines are:

* "A SON NEEDS A MOTHER to help him celebrate his birthday."  

His Mom has not visited on his birthday since the custody change.  That's 4 birthdays.  We have invited her.  DH even waived C/S to ensure she could afford to come.  This past year, she didn't even celebrate his birthday late, when he got out there for his summer visit, 2 weeks later.  It simply wasn't acknowledged, because she didn't get to be with him, the day of.

* "A SON NEEDS A MOTHER to keep traditions alive."  

See my posts about Christmases and Chanukahs, with this woman.

* "A SON NEEDS A MOTHER to keep him close."  

Then where the blazes IS she??  SHE chose to move, to get him away from his Dad.  Now she wants HIM to fight to move back away from his Dad, so he can be close to her again.  He tells us she'll never move back here - and may not even visit him here anymore - because "she doesn't have anyone or anything here, her life's in CA".  She expects HIM to understand that he comes second to whatever and whoever she loves, out there.  It's HIS responsibility to be close to her - not HER responsibility, to sacrifice for him!

* "A SON NEEDS A MOTHER to show him both patience and persistence."  

There's much discussion, btwn. DSS and Mom, about the patience it will take them both, to wait out their separation; and her persistence:  she'll "never give up" trying to get him back out there.  Gee.  Great lesson.  Great priorities.  Instead of making your kid wait 6 years (age 8 - when he moved in with us - 'til 14, when the court has to "give more weight to his wishes") to be around you much, did you ever think about just moving back here yourself...and not making him choose between his parents!?

* "A SON NEEDS A MOTHER to make things all better...

...to give him safety and warmth...

...to help him stay true to himself (or, at least true to her, I guess...)

...to be there to teach him life's most important skills...

...to be there to recognize accomplishments big and small...(Hello!  She ISN'T HERE!  She's only willing to be there for him on HER, SELF-CENTERED terms!)...

...to help him find balance in his life..."

Over the 4 years DSS has lived with us, Mom has tapered way back from her original habit of sending a weekly card or note.  She's only sent a handful, in the last year.  THIS package showed up right before MLK weekend - the 2nd consecutive visit she has chosen to skip.  She was supposed to come for Thanksgiving, and this weekend.  But no visits.  No explanations.  Just this f***ing book!

Honestly, there is no other way to interpret the gesture of sending him this book, besides Mom rubbing his nose in the fact that HE DOESN'T HAVE HIS MOTHER most of the time...and implying that his father can't do any of these things for him as well as she could, if DSS would move away from DH and back with her!

I apologize for posting so much lately.  I am simply FED UP with this emotional manipulation B.S.  I want it to stop.  And I can't do ANYTHING about it, except watch DSS deal with it.  I just wish she would GO AWAY! 

Edited by VocalMinority - 1/14/12 at 1:03pm

[csekywithlove]

Originally Posted by Jeannine 

Grrrrr....

A few days ago, DSS came home from school seeming fine and started on homework out in the living room with DH and me.  I remembered that a package had come from his mother and told him it was on his desk.  He went in to check, came out a while later to resume homework and suddenly - for the rest of the night - his head and stomach hurt.  He didn't want dinner or even hot tea or hot chocolate (his usual favorite comfort foods).  Finally, he took an hour-long shower and went to bed.  We assumed he must be getting sick and figured he might miss the next day of school.  But he woke up the next morning just fine and has been fine ever since.

It turns out the lovely gift his mother sent him is yet another "Mothers and Sons" novelty book, this one entitled "Why Sons Always Need Their Mothers".  Each page has a cute mom-and-son photo and one line about why having a mother nearby is so essential.  It's clearly intended as a gift for mothers, to remind them why they're so important.  But once again, it's being used to remind DSS why he should never stop grieving his separation from his mother.  Some of the lines are:

* "A SON NEEDS A MOTHER to help him celebrate his birthday."  

His Mom has not visited on his birthday since the custody change.  That's 4 birthdays.  We have invited her.  DH even waived C/S to ensure she could afford to come.  This past year, she didn't even celebrate his birthday late, when he got out there for his summer visit, 2 weeks later.  It simply wasn't acknowledged, because she didn't get to be with him, the day of. 

No MOTHER would ever miss her child's birthday IMO. The only thing that could keep me from my DSS on his birthday would be if I were in a coma or dead.  

* "A SON NEEDS A MOTHER to keep traditions alive."  

See my posts about Christmases and Chanukahs, with this woman.

* "A SON NEEDS A MOTHER to keep him close."

Then where the blazes IS she??  SHE chose to move, to get him away from his Dad.  Now she wants HIM to fight to move back away from his Dad, so he can be close to her again.  He tells us she'll never move back here - and may not even visit him here anymore - because "she doesn't have anyone or anything here, her life's in CA".  She expects HIM to understand that he comes second to whatever and whoever she loves, out there.  It's HIS responsibility to be close to her - not HER responsibility, to sacrifice for him!

Your DSS is 12 and there is now way that he can understand this. How can he understand that just because her life is in CA, it doesn't involve him? He can't. Does she not see that this book is a complete contradiction of how she is parenting her son?

* "A SON NEEDS A MOTHER to show him both patience and persistence."  

There's much discussion, btwn. DSS and Mom, about the patience it will take them both, to wait out their separation; and her persistence:  she'll "never give up" trying to get him back out there.  Gee.  Great lesson.  Great priorities.  Instead of making your kid wait 6 years (age 8 - when he moved in with us - 'til 14, when the court has to "give more weight to his wishes") to be around you much, did you ever think about just moving back here yourself...and not making him choose between his parents!?

Can DSS choose at the age of 14? Just because the court must pay more attention to his wishes, doesn't mean she will get custody. Does she realize this? Wouldn't your DH have more than enough proof to the contrary of her commitment to her son? 

* "A SON NEEDS A MOTHER to make things all better...

...to give him safety and warmth...

...to help him stay true to himself (or, at least true to her, I guess...)

...to be there to teach him life's most important skills...

...to be there to recognize accomplishments big and small...(Hello!  She ISN'T HERE!  She's only willing to be there for him on HER, SELF-CENTERED terms!)...

...to help him find balance in his life..."

Over the 4 years DSS has lived with us, Mom has tapered way back from her original habit of sending a weekly card or note.  She's only sent a handful, in the last year.  THIS package showed up right before MLK weekend - the 2nd consecutive visit she has chosen to skip.  She was supposed to come for Thanksgiving, and this weekend.  But no visits.  No explanations.  Just this f***ing book!

Honestly, there is no other way to interpret the gesture of sending him this book, besides Mom rubbing his nose in the fact that HE DOESN'T HAVE HIS MOTHER most of the time...and implying that his father can't do any of these things for him as well as she could, if DSS would move away from DH and back with her!

I apologize for posting so much lately.  I am simply FED UP with this emotional manipulation B.S.  I want it to stop.  And I can't do ANYTHING about it, except watch DSS deal with it.  I just wish she would GO AWAY! 

His mother is completely off her rocker. How could she not see that this is doing emotional harm? I don't blame your DSS for getting upset. I would be too! Has your DH talked to him about the book yet? There is no way that your DSS should think that her behavior as a parent is normal, rational, or the correct way to parent. She is asking too much emotionally from a 12 year old child. I feel so bad for your DSS. 

Does your DSS realize that this is the weekend she was supposed to come? Is he talking to DH about this today? Or just sweeping it under the rug? Hugs to you mama. Keep us posted.

[Mummoth]

She's totally out of touch, isn't she? Even if everything was perfect between them, it's not the kind of thing a teenage boy would choose to read! She couldn't do a better job if she were trying to torture him. She really should just go away. Im so sorry the whole thing keeps carrying on... at least he's got a stable home with you and DH.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by csekywithlove 

...Does she not see that this book is a complete contradiction of how she is parenting her son?

Generally, if she can use her words to paint things the way she wants others to see them, she seems able to truly convince herself that her spin-doctoring is/was reality.  So I'm sure, as she thumbed through this book and decided to send it to her kid (in lieu of visiting him!), the pretty words helped erase insecurities she must have, about her parenting.  Surely, she imagined herself as the kind of mother the book was written about; and imagined DSS reading it and agreeing.

But the other, bigger message the book seems to send (when given to DSS) is:  NO, this is not how you're being mothered!  You're missing out!  But not because your Mom is anything less than a selfless, nurturing Madonna.  She can't do for you the things in this book, because the courts and your father took you away from her.  But very soon you can fix all that!

...Can DSS choose at the age of 14?  No.  His stated preference just becomes one of 8 or 9 criteria the court is required to consider, in determining his best interest.

...Does she realize this?  No.  Her ex-BF (who warned DH about a lot of things, over the summer) says she tells everyone DSS is coming back to live with her, for high school.  Just as she spins her own words, to color reality the way she wants it to be seen; she does the same thing with other people's words.  It would be very characteristic if she ignored all the other provisions of our state law and only paid attention to the part about "age 14".

Wouldn't your DH have more than enough proof to the contrary of her commitment to her son?  God, I hope so.  He certainly thinks so.  So much of the anxiety that prompts me to post on MDC (instead of suffocating my DH with this stuff all the time) is that it seems like such a gamble.  They will definitely have a new judge, because the one who gave DH custody has been moved to a different court.  They've had good judges and they've had infuriatingly crappy, lazy ones who didn't seem to care about anything except getting these annoying, warring people out of their courtroom as quickly as possible.  Who knows what kind they'll get now?  And there are so many rules of evidence that restrict what DH can present to the court.  It's not about the truth.  It's about what you can prove.  And there's a lot we can't prove; or that we couldn't prove without traumatizing DSS by putting him on the stand and asking him to say bad things about his mother.  He might lie, to protect her.  And even if he told the truth, we'd be as bad as she is, exploiting him to "win".  Why is it any better for DH to have custody, if he doesn't shield DSS from that?

Really, the more I think about it, the more anxious it makes me.  The biggest things:  the drug and alcohol abuse; the inappropriate sleeping arrangements; the interest in moving to a non-Hague-Convention country; the emotional abuse that's only evident in the details of private correspondence and conversations between Mom and DSS (hearsay, if anyone besides DSS testifies about them)...the judge may never be allowed to hear about ANY of those.

Does your DSS realize that this is the weekend she was supposed to come? Is he talking to DH about this today? Or just sweeping it under the rug?

He has not mentioned this weekend specifically and we're hesitant to draw it to his attention.

The conversation DSS had with Mom (about how she has no friends or family here; "no one likes or care about her" here; and that's why she "can't" move back) left him with the idea she won't even visit him here anymore.  I don't know whether she actually said that.  He seemed upset about that overall idea, but not about specific missed visits, since he doesn't expect any more of them.

Originally Posted by Mummoth 

She couldn't do a better job if she were trying to torture him.

That's what makes me so angry!  At least some it IS intentional.

[Imakcerka]

Yuck, just yuck!  I do remember when my parents split they would try really hard to get us to side with them.  Our dad would take us all over and buy us junk to keep us happy and then at the end of the visit ask if we wanted to stay forever.  Or me actually since my brother was there and I was with mom.  Then he'd use my brother against me at times too.  My mom would just bad mouth him up and down to me and if I ever said I wanted to live with dad, then I was an idiot who wanted to be abused... It was stressful and all I can say is I'm glad I'm a grown up now.  They still try to pull that crap about visiting... I say my door is open come visit... no takers!  It's like if I pick to visit one over the other it's a win for whoever.

This crap will never end, the poor kid will be dealing with it well into his adult years.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I'm so sorry Jeannine!! It just seems to get worse and worse.

Try to remember that your DH has an APPELATE court decision on his side from the previous fight. Doesn't matter how horrible the judge is, they will be highly unlikely to go back on an appellate decision, especially if the only reason for it is that your dss is now 14 (of course crazy cakes won't say that, but it will probably be pretty obvious).

Also, you and your DH should be talking to DSS about all that goes on. Even though he hasn't mentioned this weekend, bring it up and make sure he's ok, and if he isn't talk about it with him. I distinctly remember my mom knocking on my brothers bedroom doors saying, "I am your mother, your life is my business, I love you and we are going to talk about this". Step mom and dad have the same clout - it keeps the lines of communication open, and reminds him that you are aware of the times that may be hard for him. He may not come to you, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want the support.

[VocalMinority]

Mom is now skipping her 3rd consecutive visit here.  Not a word about it.  But she sent DSS a $150 pair of tennis shoes he posted on FB that he likes (and that he knows we can't afford to buy him).  

We have had to start confiscating his cell phone on school nights again.  She was text messaging him past midnight, in the middle of the week last week.

She is a bad cliche.  I am embarrassed for her.  And, as usual, I can't escape the frustration of being the one DSS resents - for making him do his homework and clean up after himself - while she's the cool one, the fun one, the one who provides whatever he wants.  If she were his girlfriend, I could explain to him that my behavior and expectations of him are loving and constructive, while hers are not.  But I can't really explain that to him, because she is his mother.  

[PoppyMama]

Are the text records from his phone admissible?  I really hope that your dh is able to make such a good case that it blows away anything your dss says so that he's protected from any responsibility in this.  

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama 

Are the text records from his phone admissible?  I really hope that your dh is able to make such a good case that it blows away anything your dss says so that he's protected from any responsibility in this.  

I assume it will be sufficient to show our phone records and the times of her calls/texts, without having to make the content of their communication part of the court record.

Also, I assume her rather astounding choice not to visit him - when financial provisions to ensure "frequent" visits were such a pointed part of the last custody order - should make a judge sit up and take notice.  She was ordered to pay child support through the cost of visits, so techically she's not paying support.  And, by our laws, you can't even request a change of custody if you're behind in CS.  It's not clear-cut in our weird situation, but the spirit of our court's expectations is pretty basic and obvious:  If a parent is not doing everything they should, as NCP, they may not ask to become CP.

Increasingly, I feel it should be obvious (to a judge who actually cares) that Mom still does not recognize/act on what's in DSS's best interests and instead prioritizes her own desires, her hostility toward DH (and her utter disregard for him, as a parent)...and that was the whole reason for giving DH custody in the first place.  The uncertainty of what kind of judge we'll get; how assertive DH's attorney will be in presenting our side of things; how sucked-in DSS will get; what wild, last-minute accusations Mom will make and how effective DH will be at addressing them just makes me wish we could hurry up and get it all over with! 

[Mummoth]

Anticipating court is the worst part, usually. It sounds like there's a lot of evidence in your DH's favour... she can't make plane tickets materialize and she can't erase your phone records. Has your DH asked her not to text DS after a certain time of night? It seems like it should be a no-brainer but her lawyer could argue that she thought it was okay by your DH... that's one thing thats annoying about judges, in situations like that it doesn't seem to matter how obvious it is that what the person was doing was wrong, if you didn't communicate that it bothers you, they can get away with it. I totally understand wanting to get it over with. What do you think she'll be like after court? I hope she accepts that she isn't going to get her way and makes the best of what she has.

[Mom31]

I would never ever live away from my children- even if their dad had them- i would do whatever in my power to stay in their town. I can't imagine a judge not seeing clearly thru this bs. I think if anything in court you will get child support from her- and possilbly back child support due to her not living up to her end of the bargain.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by Mummoth 

Has your DH asked her not to text DS after a certain time of night? It seems like it should be a no-brainer but her lawyer could argue that she thought it was okay by your DH... that's one thing thats annoying about judges, in situations like that it doesn't seem to matter how obvious it is that what the person was doing was wrong, if you didn't communicate that it bothers you, they can get away with it.

Yes, he's asked her to stop many times.  As far as I know, her only response was:

#1- While DSS is around us, he can only speak freely and openly to her late at night.  So she would never dream of discouraging communication then.  When he calls her late, she assumes he may be in distress and need her.    

#2- DH is a bad, permissive parent, for letting DSS be on the phone past bedtime on a school night.  He really ought to follow her example of parenting.  

Yes, seriously.  These two thoughts were in the same paragraph.

DH pointed out that she usually initiates after-hours contact, not DSS.  Naturally, she did not respond.

You'd think that email exchange would look pretty bad, in court.  Then again, some female judge might think, "Poor motherless child, having to sneak calls to his Mommy after bedtime.  What mother wouldn't respond?"  Or, DH and Mom have appeared before several judges who seem to think, "These people can't agree on anything, so they deserve each other".  Such a judge might conclude, "Fine.  She has an explanation.  Next issue!"

This doesn't go on every every night.  But she seems to call/text late whenever she feels like it.  DSS feels really insulted, having his phone taken away at bedtime.  So when the late-night calls/texts stop, after a while we quit taking it.  But the issue always recurs.  It stinks that he feels punished - and resents us - because she won't act like an adult.

...What do you think she'll be like after court?

Assuming DH keeps custody - and it's inescapable that DSS will live here for the rest of his childhood - I can't conceive of a mother failing to move back here.  (I'm not passing judgment on every non-custodial mom's situation.  But DSS's mom has a rocky relationship with her family out there.  She changes jobs almost yearly, sometimes more frequently.  She's single, no other kids out there.  Her work is largely computer-based and can be done here.)  

No question, her proximity would make DH and me uncomfortable, wondering what God-awful things she might say about us at DSS's school or to his friends' parents; or when a cop might show up at our door, based on God-knows-what accusation.  But surely it would be better for DSS, to have frequent access to both parents without feeling like he's abandoning and betraying one, whenever he's with the other.  If his mom must make someone feel miserable and torn, it should be DH and me, not DSS.

But DH fears if his ex's fantasy (reuniting with DSS at long last and living our "their" dream of escape to CA) goes up in smoke, she will either reject DSS (as she has done to everyone else she ever thought let her down); or barrage him with how ruined and despondent she is, but stay right where she is.  

I hope he's wrong.  But when DSS moved back here, I thought it was such a no-brainer that Mom would, too, that I figured one way to comfort DSS, if he missed her, would be to assure him she'd move back, once she got all the details sorted out.  DH warned me not to risk getting DSS's hopes up.  And he was right.

Originally Posted by Mom31 

I would never ever live away from my children- even if their dad had them- i would do whatever in my power to stay in their town.  I agree, 100%.  I'm sure it's humiliating, as a mother, to fight for custody and lose.  But that's just superficial humiliation.  In every custody dispute, somebody loses.  If you're still doing everything you can for your child, there's no substantive reason to feel embarrassed about being NCP.  And even if you can't get over the embarrassment...is it more important than time with your kids?  Not for me.  No way.

I can't imagine a judge not seeing clearly thru this bs.  I hope you're right, of course!  Our issues - presented from my perspective - probably do seem clear, because Mom's behavior seems like obvious B.S., to me.  But you wouldn't believe how befuddled their judges have been!  

* Mom usually comes across as a calm, collected, sane, sweet, nurturing, sensible, gentle, vulnerable person.  People have a very hard time envisioning her as outlandishly unreasonable, much less selfish or cruel.  Whereas, DH is a confident, Italian guy.  The idea of him exaggerating - or outright lying - or being violent or threatening - feeds right into stupid stereotypes.  

* Mom's accusations and explanations are typically succinct, generalized and emotional - i.e., very easy to digest.  Countering them generally involves giving details - or pointing out the inconsistencies in her details.  So DH's testimony tends to be more dry and requires more effort, to follow.

* DH's attorneys worry about creating sympathy for her, if they appear to attack her, or be too critical.  I often feel like they stop just short of making the most salient points, for fear the cold, hard truth will sound too mean.  Her attorneys, however, seem passionately protective of her.  They don't worry about "attacking" DH and they seem willing to stretch and twist the facts, to somehow flatter Mom.  We still laugh about how often her last atty. said "ostensibly".  His pleadings were never fully consistent with the facts - even he knew it!  But ostensibly, Mom was always virtuous and DH was a monster.

Before DH's case, I would have never believed how capricious family law can be.  Now, it seems to me little better than gambling.  I do not trust that judges, attorneys or police always know the letter of the law as well as I do.  I do not trust that they always care more about the best interest of the child than about their own convenience.  I have seen that not all of them do.  If the next judge is as good as the last one, we should be golden.  But there's no telling.

Edited by VocalMinority - 2/8/12 at 7:50pm

[JBaxter]

OP... As a mom of teens I have to say we NEVER allowed cell phones in the bedroom after bed time for any reason.   Our bedtime for  middle school was about 930 high school was more lax but there is a reason growing bodies need sleep.  I have/had a central charging area in the kitchen and if there was an emergency from their dad he would call the house line.   How could any judge require a child to stay up to 11 or 12 to get a text or call?   Stand your ground on that one.  

[Mom31]

I was an NCM for a period during my divorce.

It was not fun.

However- I volunteered in the classroom- had them 4 days a week, volunteered and hung out at their daycare and saw them literally as much as I could- it was heartbreaking that they got caught up in the crossfire of divorce the way they did... their dad used them as pawns to hurt me.  Luckily in court when I was finally able to speak out- I won full custody. He gets visitation now- which I am very liberal and flexible with. I did not hide away I did not move to CALIFORNIA- I did not make my children pawns....I just tried to be the bigger person and do what was best for my kids- which was to not let them see my hurt and humiliation or hear about the court case....

She is acting like a child.  No judge is going to look kindly on a woman who moved to CALIFORNIA away from her son.  Not a single one. I don't think you have much to worry about.... she sounds very self centered.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by Mom31 

I was an NCM for a period during my divorce.

It was not fun.

However- I volunteered in the classroom- had them 4 days a week, volunteered and hung out at their daycare and saw them literally as much as I could- it was heartbreaking that they got caught up in the crossfire of divorce the way they did... their dad used them as pawns to hurt me.  Luckily in court when I was finally able to speak out- I won full custody. He gets visitation now- which I am very liberal and flexible with. I did not hide away I did not move to CALIFORNIA- I did not make my children pawns....I just tried to be the bigger person and do what was best for my kids- which was to not let them see my hurt and humiliation or hear about the court case....

She is acting like a child.  No judge is going to look kindly on a woman who moved to CALIFORNIA away from her son.

To keep from making her sound worse than she is, let me clarify.  She moved to CA while she still had custody, to get DSS away from DH.  (That's not just my impression.  That's what she said.)  DSS spent ~a year out there with her, before the court decided DH should have custody and moved DSS back here.  So, she didn't move away from DSS, per se.  But obviously, it's still pretty rotten that, at some point when she was changing jobs anyway, she didn't move back here; and that she visits less and less, while emphasizing to DSS that if he wants to see more of her, he needs to testify when he turns 14 that he wants to move away from his Dad again (and his brothers, his friends, his school, his sports teams...), to return to CA.

Not a single one. I don't think you have much to worry about.... she sounds very self centered.  Yep.  To put it mildly!

Edited by VocalMinority - 2/9/12 at 11:12am

[Mom31]

I also would not have moved my kids away from their dad... I did for a period it was 6 hours away and was not kind of me but only place I had family support.( tho of course once I got there I actually did not have family support) I digress... she could and should move back IMO.  If she wants any shot at getting him back thats for certain.

[csekywithlove]

Jeannine: In our custody agreement it states that, " Both parents shall be allowed to freely contact the child via mail, telephone or computer at all reasonable times, duration and frequency." We understand "reasonable times" to bed while DSS is awake. Of course his BM never calls anyway but I would definitely be ending the cell phone in the bedroom at night. Kids need their rest and if he is up late consoling his mother, that has to be stressful enough. As a grown woman, if I have to talk to my mother about something that she is upset about and it is late, it takes me a while to calm down and process after getting off the phone. And we have an awesome relationship. IMO, phone calls or texts that late at night needs to stop for his well being.

As far as the whole stereotyping the parents based on looks, we are right there with you. DH is six foot, has long hair and a stern face so he looks kind of "bad ass." But he is very well spoken, intelligent and respectful. BM on the other had is 4'9" tall, meek looking, and always looks like she never has anything when she goes to court. She is very opinionated and speaks out of turn in front of the judge. Thank goodness the judge was able to see through that. I'm hoping that the next time you have court, your judge will see the truth in the situation.