More on Boundries, e-mail, and birth families

[pumpkingirl71]

Any ideas for staying in touch with birthfamily via the internet?  L (birthmother) has had very inconsistent contact with us.  One problem is that she can't seem to keep an e-mail address.  They get hacked or something, not sure what is going on, but it is weird.  Then she gets emotional and says we aren't returning her messages.

We don't text.  L would prefer to use facebook messages, but I am VERY resistant to this and my husband is completely against it.  We have had a quite a few bad experiences with facebook and birthfamily.

Is it easy to set up a family blog?  Or anything that we can use besides e-mail?  If she can't keep an e-mail address, is there hope?  Is snail mail the only way to go?

I am trying to step back here and not solve this problem, but I really want my daughter to have contact with her birthmother

[christophersmom]

Can you set up a facebook page associated with a different email than your main facebook page and just use that for contact?

I have a friend who set up a page for her daughter and she keeps it updated with pictures and that is what she uses to keep in touch with her dd's bio family.

[CrunchyChristianMama]

You can make a private blog that is viewed by invite only.  You could post updates and she could respond via comments on posts.  Facebook is tricky with all the privacy issues, but I agree that a page created just for updating birthmom might work.

[Mom31]

I have a birthmother friend who loved to look at her dd's facebook page. The dd is 17 and it is her only way of really seeing what is going on with her. It gives her a lot of peace and happiness to see pictures of her and know whats going on with her.

sadly the adoptive mother decided they could not be facebook friends anymore because she was very upset by how much they look alike- they both have red hair and freckles- it is very obvious it is her mother ya know..they are identical in all ways but age and hair cut-  too much for the adoptive mother to take- in case other people saw and made comments about this being her "mom".  ( this is what the adoptive mother said)

It is quite an unfortunate turn of events since the adoptive mother opened things than closed them quickly because she was not able to cope with fact the dd looks like her biological family( all but one brother also have red hair and freckles so my friend who has 5 kids have 4 red heads so cute!) I am hoping with time she will again let her view the facebook page- she was fine with no contact but the facebook page... but now that is gone too.

She is devastated.

I wonder if she would be ok with a private one just between the two families so she could still see the pictures and updates then no one else would know this girl is adopted or whatever.

[Polliwog]

I would probably do a private FB group with you getting to control who is added. I WISH my kids birthfamilies used the internet. It would make things much easier for me since I hate using the phone and I know they'd love more pictures.

[pumpkingirl71]

Thanks for the advice   I am going to try to set a private facebook group.  That is pretty scary, since it means I have to make my seven year old her own facebook account!  But obviously, I am the only one who has the password, so it isn't that scary.  But one of the first notifications she got was a message that she "might know" her birthfather.  Yikes.  I have blocked everyone I don't think is safe from her facebook and the group is private.  Still a little nervous...

[lauren]

From your last post, one concern I'd have is that if she received a message saying she might know her birth father, then he is likely receiving a message that he might know her. How is that for you? I do not know much about blogging, but it seems like maybe that would be better because it wouldn't have search engine that was always working to try to link up people with similar pieces of data.

[montanamomof3]

I am a birthmother...I had an open adoption 15yrs ago now.  What you need to remember is that YOU are her mother!  Her birthmother gave up that right when she signed those papers.  Maybe her birth mother is not in the right state of mind right now for her to be an active role in your daugheter's life.  Honestly, I think you should just use snail mail for the time being.  Then at least you are more in control of how much she might be able to hurt or confuse  your daughter while she is still young and vulnerable.  Maybe I am being too cautious, but this is my opinion.  Just remember that she is your daughter and you do not have to accomodate her birth mother.  Maybe when she is older and able to understand just a little bit more, and her birthmother has shown more consitancy of wanting to be an active and positive person in her life, then maybe you can start up the facebook idea or email or whatever else might work for you. 

[pumpkingirl71]

I am concerned about that, but I have already blocked him.  Righ now, I am the only person who knows her password and she will never go on without me at her side, but I am really concerned about the future
 

Originally Posted by lauren 

From your last post, one concern I'd have is that if she received a message saying she might know her birth father, then he is likely receiving a message that he might know her. How is that for you? I do not know much about blogging, but it seems like maybe that would be better because it wouldn't have search engine that was always working to try to link up people with similar pieces of data.

[pumpkingirl71]

I completely agree that I don't have to do anything for her birthmother.  But I do walk a fine line.  I know that it is good for my daughter to have contact with birthmother.  It is also pretty easy to end up being mom to the birthmother.  And that is something I don't want and can't hadle right now

 

Originally Posted by montanamomof3 

  Just remember that she is your daughter and you do not have to accomodate her birth mother. 

[CrazyCatLady]

As a birthmom as long as I can see pictures, I am happy.  I don't need to be FB friends with the adoptive parents (though I am with one set and it's been fine).  A blog or a FB account just for her would be fine and appropriate.  As long as you are doing what you feel is best for your daughter, and not intentionally being mean to the birthmom or anything, then it should all be fine in the end.

[RedOakMomma]

I'm not sure if it's resolved already, but you might want to look into a wordpress.com blog.  You can set it up so that 1) it doesn't come up in any search engines and 2) each post is password protected.  Every time you post, you have the option of selecting a password or not.  You can even password protect the entire blog if you want.

They're very easy to set up and operate, too.  It's been a great way for us to "send" photos to friends or people we met in dd's birthcountry.

[JollyGG]

what about something like myfamily.com

It's supposed to be a site for family groups to share pictures and news. However nothing says it needs to be any certain number of people. The advantage there is that it doesn't need to be connected to any other multi user platform like facebook.

[babymouse]

With my little one I made a facebook page for just her family. I post pictures videos and all updates on her. like her weight and tall she is . I do not chat with them on there and I do not have them added on mine .  

This works great  for all of us. 

I'm a kinship home that is adopting her in the near future.