Can't Shake The Bitterness... « Back to Group Discussions

[CDsMom1031]

Every time I see a prego on Facebook going into labor, updating about how dilated they are, I get bitter.

I'm so, so, so bitter that I had to have a c-section.

I'm so envious of their bodies doing what they were made to do.

Will it ever get better?

[TalkToMeNow]

I didn't want to read and not post.  I don't have any advice or experience, but I know there are great mamas on here that do and can help. 

[LunaLady]

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Edited by LunaLady - 6/29/12 at 4:35pm

[Abraisme]

[Caracol8]

If you feel up to it, there's a thread in the cesarean forum about having an un-planned c/s after a long labor.  I'm so glad I found it, even though it's a difficult topic to read and write about sometimes.  It is nice to talk with others who've been in the same boat. 

[IwannaBanRN]

  I'm so sorry.

[Autumnshades]

I feel the same :(  My labour was going so well - my midwife had estimated that everything would go smoothly because the process was moving along really well ... then my darling Eli got stuck and we couldn't get passed 6cm dialation - we did everything we possibly could but after 6 hours of intense labour there was no difference in his position :(  I ended up with a c section - I was in labour for 24 hours before I had my c-section, and labour had kicked off right away with 45 sec contractions every 3 minutes, and went very fast to 1 min contractions, 1 minute apart.  I had hoped so desperately to avoid the c section, but little Eli was going into distress.  I feel so sad about it, especially because my little one now has severe colic and it is way different than I thought it would be, attachment wise.  I know that it would have felt different if he had arrived normally instead of via c section - It is like something is missing... maybe it is just hormones... I love my baby boy very much, but I feel sad sometimes.

[Jaimee]

  Birth disappointment is really difficult.  There are support groups available online as well as IRL.  I have some friends that took a seminar on healing emotional birth trauma and they said it really helped.  I also know that they grappled with their feelings for months as they were still processing when I met them at 5 months postpartum.  Time will help and a second, healing birth can help as well when you feel ready for that.

[Sasha's Mama]

I know that your labor and birth and circumstances were probably different, but I wanted to share my experience. I felt that way after my first birth, which was an induction for a big baby at 42 weeks that ended up in a c-section after I pushed for 1.5 hours. I checked in for my induction at 8am on a Saturday and he was born at 8:12 am on a Sunday, talk about a time clock! My baby was so far down that my husband actually got to touch his hair, but the dr. didn't want to keep going because she was so worried about how big he would be and kept saying he would get stuck and have damage. I also had a nurse that I felt really violated me during the whole pushing phase. At that point I was so over it and would have agreed to having my legs cut off to get the baby out. I was really sad about it afterwards, because a c-section was the last thing I wanted. I worried for years about having another big baby, wondering why I just couldn't get him out, wondering what was so wrong with me when everyone around me was having these super easy births, or worse, choosing elective c-sections. 

Honestly, it took me until I was about eight months pregnant this time (four years after my last birth) to realize that it wasn't me or my body that failed, that it was just a really bad environment for me to be birthing in and that there were so many factors stacked against me, and I had no way of knowing that. I mean, even when you read a ton about birth and how it's supposed to happen, you don't really get how, I don't want to say manipulative or coercive, but something along those lines, people and institutions can be. I had to go through a lot to get over my feelings about the way my son was born, and I really hope it isn't as long of a healing process for you . And I hated it when other people would tell me "next time it will go better, next time will be easier and you'll have a vbac" because I didn't want any more babies after my first and I hated the thought that I wouldn't be healed until I had another baby. I wanted a redo, not another baby - the unknown that that brings terrified me.

I felt like I had to work so hard emotionally for this birth, and struggled a lot with provider issues since HBAC isn't a widely approved of option in my state and I work in the birth community, so everyone was always in my business. When I had my baby this time, I think it really helped solidify my realization that it wasn't me, it was the situation I was in with my first baby that led to the c-section. I birthed my newest son after a short labor, no vaginal exams, and letting my body push on it's own (except for when I had to get the second shoulder out). This baby was just an ounce smaller than my first son who was born by c-section. And I guess afterwards I just felt like telling everyone "See, it wasn't me!"  And really, I think I said that to a lot of people  I know I said early that I hated hearing that a future birth would be healing, but I think a lot of going through all the BS I had to in order to get people to just leave me alone and let me birth my baby was the healing work, and the baby coming out was the icing on the cake, so to speak. 

Sorry to ramble on and on, I just know how much it sucks when things turn out completely different than you had wanted and you're left to deal with the aftermath when a lot of other people don't really "get" it.

[MrsKatie]

It's frustrating that trauma takes so damn long to process.  I know it can seem like you're not getting anywhere with your feelings, but you are.  I know sometimes it can feel like we're stuck in an emotion when in fact we are moving through it.  Hugs, mama.  This must be so difficult for you.

[CDsMom1031]

I just want to go back. I want to go back to 6pm, 12 hours after the Pitocin was started, 9 hours after I hit 3cm and stuck there and tell the doctor that my body WOULD progress... EVENTUALLY... And that he's just going to have to wait because the pre-eclampsia is already making this baby make his debut 12 days early. A few more hours inside of me won't kill anyone.

I wish I could go back and tell the doctor to just give me an epidural so I could relax a little, maybe help my body relax so the contractions can do what they're supposed to... Instead of being so over it that I just say, "Let's go for it."

I wish I could go back and hear, "10cm! Ready to push?!?!"

And I hope this doctor, who already said he's down with VBACs, is ready for me next time... Because I won't be a FTM pushover.

[A-time-to-live]

My babe was induced at 42 weeks after my water had broken early without my going into labor.  I didn't need an epidural but ended up retaining tissue and going in for a d&c.  That's actually the closest I can even come to writing a birth story right now.  There was a lot of additional drama....  I think what bothers me most is that my water broke early with my oldest DD too.  I didn't have to be induced b/c I was able to self-induce using hynobirthing techniques but still ended up "at risk for infection" b/c of the length of time between water breaking and delivery.  I can't help but wonder what is wrong with my body that it won't go into labor.  Ugh - completely different story but I can relate to the bitterness.  I've been avoiding thinking about the birth as much as possible and avoiding reading other people's birth stories.  It seems unhealthy but I guess it must be working for me because I honestly couldn't have posted this a week ago....

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by TTCChloeOrConner 
And I hope this doctor, who already said he's down with VBACs, is ready for me next time... Because I won't be a FTM pushover.

Word.    You go mama!

[CDsMom1031]

Originally Posted by A-time-to-live 

My babe was induced at 42 weeks after my water had broken early without my going into labor.  I didn't need an epidural but ended up retaining tissue and going in for a d&c.  That's actually the closest I can even come to writing a birth story right now.  There was a lot of additional drama....  I think what bothers me most is that my water broke early with my oldest DD too.  I didn't have to be induced b/c I was able to self-induce using hynobirthing techniques but still ended up "at risk for infection" b/c of the length of time between water breaking and delivery.  I can't help but wonder what is wrong with my body that it won't go into labor.  Ugh - completely different story but I can relate to the bitterness.  I've been avoiding thinking about the birth as much as possible and avoiding reading other people's birth stories.  It seems unhealthy but I guess it must be working for me because I honestly couldn't have posted this a week ago....

I try my hardest not to think about it, either... But when I see, "Water broke!" 2 hours later, "3cm!" 2 hours later, "7cm!" 2 hours later, "Blah, blah, blah was born at blah, blah, blah." it gets to me... Then I get bitter.

[jhsmama11]

I had a c-section after planning to have a birth center birth.  I was given then induction drugs at just over 41 weeks, sent home and went into labor the next day. I labored for 19 hours and never dilated.  One of the things that helped me was that the midwife who saw me the next day talked about how I might experience grief and loss and that it was ok to let myself grieve for the birth I didn't get to have. While I was very attached to the birth experience I planned I also said the ultimate goal was a healthy baby/healthy me. Toward the end of the pregnancy as I was getting frustrated at no signs of imminent birth I started saying that my body and the baby know what they are doing. As it turned out Jack had the cord around his neck twice as well as his body tangled in it. I guess my body did know what it was doing by not progressing (or at least it makes me feel better to think that). After allowing myself to grieve, I feel like there was no other way to achieve healthy baby/healthy mama and I feel at peace and grateful for modern medicine. And they said I'm a great candidate for a VBAC if there's a next time.

I hope you're able to find peace.

[Abraisme]

I wonder why people are posting the status of their cervix on Facebook in the first place.  Seems an odd thing to announce to the world...
 

Originally Posted by TTCChloeOrConner 

I try my hardest not to think about it, either... But when I see, "Water broke!" 2 hours later, "3cm!" 2 hours later, "7cm!" 2 hours later, "Blah, blah, blah was born at blah, blah, blah." it gets to me... Then I get bitter.

[mommy2sage]

Things will eventually get better for you.  I know how it feels and the feeling does not completely go away, but it  becomes easier to accept.

Six years ago I was pregnant with my first and every day I fantasized about him being born in the water in our living room with candles lit.  It was a beautiful dream, but it never came true. He was frank breech and that equaled automatic c-section for me.  I did not want to accept that this was how my son came into the world and was devastated for a long time. People just did not understand why I was so upset about having a c-section and told me that I should just be grateful that I had a healthy baby.  It used to really annoy me when people would tell me that, but I eventually realized that it is not worth my time on this earth being upset about something that cannot be changed. I cannot go back and change my sons birth, so I have learned to accept it.

I have had 2 successful VBAC now and I do not think those births healed me, but being able to give birth naturally definitely made me feel awesome.  My dream birth of a candle lit home waterbirth has never come true and that is what I am now learning to accept.

Things will get better

[Jaimee]

Originally Posted by Abraisme 

I wonder why people are posting the status of their cervix on Facebook in the first place.  Seems an odd thing to announce to the world...

Well, I have a lot of birthy friends so they like to hear that sort of update.  I like hearing it from them, too, b/c I'm super curious and invested like that.   One of the friends I was talking about in my previous post that ended up with an emergency c-section with her first ended up with a c-section with her second as well.  She posted lots of status updates as she progressed and then did not progress and we all cheered her on online.  She ended up being really  happy with her second c-section experience b/c she was mentally prepared for it, didn't have to go under general, and b/c she had a ton of support along the way.  It's not for everyone, though, I imagine.