Originally Posted by neonalee
Mostly about DSD, somewhat about her mom. My DSD (just turned 13) moved in with us in August. Since then she has been deliberatly going out of her way to lie to us and make us miserable so we might send her home to mom (her moving for at least 1 year was agreed by all parents, personally I think her mom is glad for the break). It has gotten to the point where I wouldn't be too sad to not see her for a year or more and DP spends more time disliking his daughter and worse, sometimes honestly hating her.
How far away is Mom? I.e., how often does DSS get to see her?
While her behavior makes everyone's feelings understandable, surely you also understand that - at this VERY insecure time in a girl's life - it must feel TERRIBLE for her, to sense that no one really wants her around.
Here's today's episode. DP works nights. Last night/this morning he got 1 hour of sleep when we all woke up late (a few minutes after 8 am). A few minutes later I hear DSD screaming at him about taking her to school. I can't hear him because he's not yelling. He comes in and says he's taking her to school (yes, his giving in because he doesn't want to listen to her is a problem). I tell him he's crazy. He's stuttering and slurring his words he's so tired. It's unsafe, absolutely not. We live less than 1 mile away. She can walk, ride her bike, take the bus. He tells her it's too dangerous and she goes off.
Good for you guys. Tired driving can be worse than drunk driving.
I step outside our room and yell at her to F***ing grow up. Agreed, not my finest moment. I'm sick, the baby has been sick, I'm barely sleeping. No excuse though, I lost it.
It happens. And you're being honest about it.
That's the thing, though: she's NOT grown up. She's testing to see if the people who are supposed to love her unconditionally, forever, have limits where they will stop loving her. It's not rational. If she's scared that both parents might be capable of not loving/not wanting her, why would she push the limits and potentially drive them away? Because she's 13. She really, really wants to find out that no matter how rotten she is, she IS still the center of her parents' universe(s) and they STILL somehow think she's wonderful.
When she's more mature, she will probably figure out that the best way to be treated like you're wonderful is to ACT that way!
She ends up riding her bike. I get a text half an hour ago from her mom: "Did DP tell DSD to F*** off and go to hell and neonalee tell her to go away?
Of course. If she can get her Mom to sympathize with her, she can feel sorry for herself, instead of feel guilty and selfish.
FWIW, my DSS's Mom is still spin-doctoring and convincing herself that whatever story she can get someone else to believe is the truth. And she's in her 40's. I think the behavior is more typical of 13-year-old girls and there's hope your DSD will outgrow it.
That Mom was willing to give her up for a year provides all the more reason to look for any excuse to get Mom to sympathize with her.
I replied with the facts and I'm happy to say I just got a reply that that was what she figured was going on (everyone is aware that DSD seems to turn insane whenever she doesn't get what she wants).
Well, thank your lucky stars Mom is reasonable! Some people wind up in court over stuff like that. In the long run, it will be better for DSD that both (really all 3) parents are on the same page about her behavior.
I'm so fed up honestly. I'm sick of dealing with this BS from DSD. And my son is 17 months. So he's really starting to pick up on her behavior. Also, I get that her mom feels the need to check up on things every time DSD runs to her with her "made up around a grain of truth" stories, but sometimes it really makes me mad. When DSD lived with mom every weekend there was some story about what her mom did and we weren't constantly calling her up about it.
While I completely understand your frustration, I think both ways of handling things are OK. Even if my kids were colossal brats, I could not hear that someone had mistreated them and not investigate. The important thing is that when you give her a reasonable explanation, Mom believes you and lets it go.
Hang in there, Mama!