Always frustrated

[abetterway]

I have four kids. Ages 5,3,almost 2 and almost 1. I work part time (25 hours a week, four days a week). I'm well payed and I earn our only income. We are getting by - kind of - on what I make. When I get home I am beyond frustrated and angry. My husband watches our two youngest and the older two go to a close by Montessori. The past few nights I have been yelling at the top of my lungs. Trying to get everyone fed, bathed, jammi-ed, teeth brushed, read to and so forth is utterly overwhelming. For instance, I try to sit and read to one while the others are brushing teeth but then the baby starts to cry. And when I respond to the baby (who really needs me!) the others get jealous. I simply cannot win. I can't be 4 moms. I'm only one person. The mornings are not much better. 

When I get home, I want to unwind. My husband sees me walk through the door and hands over ALL responsibility to me instantly. It isn't fair. I stayed home for two years. I was frustrated with that situation too. My house is a complete disaster. Dishes are piled high and there are toys everywhere. My house lacks order and it makes simple things complicated to accomplish. It is not a pleasant environment to walk into. I would like to hire someone to help me clean the house. My biggest gripe is the housework. I am not liking the angry person I become at home. I'm so patient in every other arena of my life! I am exhausted. Sometimes my mom comes over on the weekend and we spend all day cleaning. When the house is clean and the floors are shiny my mood is much better. Why am I so obsessed with the clean house thing?

My kids are wonderful and dear to me. But I am starting to dread coming home. My three year old has constant tantrums. She is orderly and flips if things are not done in a certain way. My two year old gets "into" everything and needs vigilant supervision. He is a sweetheart, but has a love of mischief. The five year old is intelligent and fun and would spend all day in front of a screen if he could. We argue over that quite a bit. And my sweet little baby tends to get sick a lot and is very underweight. She needs special attention from me. I have thought about splitting up with my husband. But I do love him. I think a split would be so hard on all of us. There's a lot of love in our house too. The rote daily demands are just wearing us down. He feels it too.  I don't know where to even start. siggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......................... thank you for letting me vent.

[NellieKatz]

Oh boy, do I hear you. I only have one child but he comes with his own set of frustrations, and I just wanted to say that I totally identify with your need for an orderly house. I am a "visual" and it really, really matters to me what my environment looks like. It gives me real peace to look around and actually see the surfaces of my tables and the floor without junk on it. I am outnumbered (two making messes and one cleaning up) and it's hard to keep the resentment in check. Add to that the fact that I cannot get my child to go to bed on time, and I experience no peace time at night either.

Sometimes I feel like ripping my hair out.

Two things jumped out at me as I read your post:

1) Boundaries - that is, DH may try and hand you all the responsibility but you don't need to take it. I realize that the down side of this (I suffer this too) is that then things don't get done that YOU actually want done, so it's hard for you to not-do them.

Also, I would never blow my weekend cleaning. After working hard all week I think you need the balance of having some you-time. Is there any way you could hire a helper OR (and this is a big one) if the kids have too many toys all over creation and can't seem to put them away, put most of them in the attic for them. Seriously. It may be overwhelming. I had to do that with my son's Legos and tonight I can see that I need to do it again. There are still too many for him to manage and the floor is a sea of plastic pieces.

2) Little one's yelling, probably because she sees you yelling. Not that I blame you or anything but she needs to be shown another way. Again, I totally sympathize. I finally figured out that my kid is a little mirror. If I act like an angry raving lunatic, he gives it right back to me. So the only way to get him to not do it is for ME to model new ways. It is hard.

Lastly, your kids are still little. I have read here that you need to teach them how to pick up after themselves when they are very young. (I didn't do that. Darn it.) But I don't imagine that they're going to be really good at it till they are older. It does get better.

Just remember not to be a martyr. I fall into that trap myself all too often. A little selfishness will do you some good.

I remember when my DH was just making the basement into a horrid, cluttered man-cave, and was refusing to go through his boxes and boxes of old junk (we don't have the room for it) so there was no place to put anything away, I just came home one day and announced I was going to get a rental storage unit for all of it. Now, we don't have that kind of money, and I think that him seeing that I was willing to put even more financial pressure on us because it was THAT important to me that I don't live in a pigpen.....he started cleaning up soon after that.

Best of luck to you. You are not alone in this. I think your situation is very common, and like I said, it will not last forever.  :-)  Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.... 

[nd_deadhead]

It sounds like you and DH have a serious problem. What exactly does he do when you get home from work? Why isn't he doing dishes, laundry, etc when you are there to care for the kids - or taking care of the kids so you can do some of those things?

I understand that he has been home with the kids while you're at work, but it is completely unfair of him to absolve himself of family responsibility when you get home (if that's what he's doing).

I suggest you try to sit down with him and tell him what you told us - you're overwhelmed, you're exhausted, your brain works better when the house is cleaned up. Figure out what bothers you most (dishes, vacuuming, clutter), and ask his help in that area. You might have to lower the bar in some areas, but if you can get his help, it might be worth it.

Good luck, and let us know what happens.

[Just1More]

I'm a huge fan of crazy organizing, and minimal living.

I have 4 kids (6, 4, 2, and 1), and I'm due in May with our 5th.  It's alot to keep up, but it has been so helpful to just purge everything, and to keep our stuff to a minimum.

Just today, the kids and I decided to rotate their stuffed animals becuase they are taking over our life, lol.  We store everything extra in bins downstairs, and just rotate it as we want/need to.

Our upstairs is pretty sparse.  Furniture, dishes (but only just enough...), one toy box, etc.  Then, even when things do get out of control, our house is never more than 1-2 hours from sparkly clean.  Because that's just all the work there is to do.

It has totally saved my sanity, and dh and I have so much less stress together because pick up is easy, and everyone knows where everything goes.

[NellieKatz]

I could not agree more. I am trying this too; have been for about a year. Just trying to pare everything down to its bare minimum. It is taking forever! LOL  But seriously, I realized that the reason everything's lying around is that all our cabinets and closets are full of stuff we never use any more. If those places were empty we could put things away in them! (duh!) So it's a continual purge around here. Freecycle, Goodwill, you name it.

Originally Posted by Just1More 

I'm a huge fan of crazy organizing, and minimal living.

I have 4 kids (6, 4, 2, and 1), and I'm due in May with our 5th.  It's alot to keep up, but it has been so helpful to just purge everything, and to keep our stuff to a minimum.

Just today, the kids and I decided to rotate their stuffed animals becuase they are taking over our life, lol.  We store everything extra in bins downstairs, and just rotate it as we want/need to.

Our upstairs is pretty sparse.  Furniture, dishes (but only just enough...), one toy box, etc.  Then, even when things do get out of control, our house is never more than 1-2 hours from sparkly clean.  Because that's just all the work there is to do.

It has totally saved my sanity, and dh and I have so much less stress together because pick up is easy, and everyone knows where everything goes.