First let me just say that after reading just a few posts, I am so glad that I have found this website. I was on another site and it just didnt' seem to help mostly because no one replied to the threads, ever! So here is my story. You might want to grab a drink and a snack because as much as I try, I won't be able to keep it too short!!
My daughter was born on February 26, 2011. She was born at exactly 39weeks, after two months of false labor and being told the day before that despite *still* being (I had been this way for almost a month)3-4cm and 60% effaced with bulging waters they weren't holding their breath anymore and they'd see me when they see me. Being that this was my third child, and the second time I had experianced 2 months of false labor, I was more or less used to it, and frustrated at the same time. Mostly I was just ready to hold my baby and finally find out if my son was right, saying she was a girl, or if the rest of us were right that he was a boy. Since we already had one of each, we had decided not to find out this time what we were having since we were prepared either way. My son and best friend were literally teh ONLY two people who guessed it was a girl. The rest of us were 150% convinced I was having a boy. So much so, that I had ALL the boy clothes ready to go, finally got my dh to agree on a name and was trying to prepare my son for disappointment. I woke up at about 4am that morning to go pee just like every other day. I of course, could not get back to sleep, so I got on the computer and chatted with a friend. I was just getting ready to log off and go to bed when BAM I had the mother of all contractions at 4:41. 15 minutes later, another. 10 minutes later another adn I knew I needed to get my dh up. They were just so insanely painful, like none i had ever felt with the other two children. Upon arriving at the hospital I was told I was ready to push, they just needed to break my water. I didn;t' even have time for the epi. Everything was happening so fast, it was the most surreal experience of my life thus far. (Longer story short, I ended up getting the epi b/c the baby was sunny side up adn I just couldn't push anymore, was actually begging for a c-section which of course i didn't want) After only about 30 min total of pushing (perhaps 7 times total from before adn after receiving epi) my baby came out at 7:45am. My labor was a total of 3 hours 4mintues, start to finish. That was the amount of time I spent pushing with the other two, and labored for several hours before that for each one. I was all amped to hear my dh say "ITS A BOY" so when he said "ITS A Girl?" I was in denial. My ppd literally started at that very moment. I was so confused they literally had to hold her up and spread her legs. From that moment on I wanted nothing to do with her. I loved her, because seh was my daughter, but I didnt' like her if that makes sense. I had a horrible time in the hospital because I didn't even want to look at her, let alone breast feed her. But I managed to do it. She did get several bottles of formula because there was a couple times dh tried to hand her to me and I just lost it. Another big problem was how insanely fast it all went. I literally felt like the stork had come and dumped someone else's kid in my lap. I had an actual LABOR with the other kids, not just a delivery! Start to finish for both of them was roughly 12 hours...not the mere 3 with this one! I left the hospital with my zoloft in hand, praying things would get better. But they didn't. They just got worse.
I want to make it crystal clear, that I never ONCE wanted to hurt myself or any of my babies. I just didn't want to be their mom anymore. And honestly it wasn't so much the toddlers as it was this new sweet beautiful baby girl. When she was 3 weeks old, my husband got deployed with less than 24hrs notice. A week later I went to stay with my parents for a while because my baby had developed colic, (at least we think it was colic) and I hadn't slept in days and was literally losing my mind. Once things calmed down a bit where dh was, he was able to come home early. And they sent him because they knew he had a new baby at home and I needed him very badly. I was very fortunate that he wasn't gone as long as some of them were, and he was only away about 45 days. It was still 45 days too long but I managed to get through with the help of my parents (who had and to this day have no idea how down and out i was/am). I thought for sure things would FINALLy get better but again, they only got worse. I suddenly turned into a screaming lunatic with my toddlers. Instead of loving their childish antics and realizing they were only 3/4 and 2, I treated them as much older, pre-teen-teenager age kids and couldn't understand "what was wrong with them" when in reality it wasn't them at all. It was ME.
It still IS me. I'm a screaming lunatic and I'm ruining my children. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I need anger management or what my deal is but its nuts. My baby and I are doing MUCh better. I love her like I never thought possible. And now I LIKE her too. In fact, I am overly paranoid with her now because I have this fear that I will be punished for how I felt/behaved when she was born and something God-awful will happen to her. Things are good with her, but not with my other two. I get so angry and frustrated when they do things that a 4 and 2y/o do. I used to have fun and laugh and that's just gone. I don't know how to get back to ME. I ended up getting a part time job to try to help, but it honestly doesn't so much. I mean yeah, I get away but as SOON as I walk back through the door, this controling monster comes back out and lashes out at EVERYONE. I've even caught myself using a raised voice when the baby is crying a lot or having an extra clingy mommy day. I cry myself to sleep every night. Dh and i fight all the time. Its gotten to the point wher I know if I don't do something to fix this all NOW I'm going to lose him AND my children.
And to top that all off, the baby's first birthday is approaching so much faster than I'd like to think. And I honestly want to just gloss right over it. It wasn't a happy day for me like it should have been. It was instead one of the worst, saddest days of my life and I really don't even want to think about her birth on that day. With the other two I always think "Oh at this time such and such years aog, I was having major ctx" or "I was pushing by now" etc. This time because it all happend so fast, I'll still be in bed and by the time I wake up her "birth day" will have come and gone and I'll only have the memories of thinking "Why isn't she a boy" in my head to relive. I don't want to relive that! Who int heir right mind would?! So I don't know how to handle her birthday. We aren't having her party til the end of March due to living in an unpredictable climate area and we wnat her to have teh same big party the other two did. SO we have that to look forward to, and I'm excited about that, just not her BIRTH day. I feel like the worst mom in teh world lately and I don't know how to fix it. I dont' know where to get help locally, and need to just dive in and ask someone. Would my WIC office know how to find me help? I go there tomorrwo (if we don't get the snow we are supposed to) and don't know if I should bring it all up to them or not. Money is a big issue as far as counseling/therapy goes because we just don't have the means to pay for it right now.
Oie, sorry I really went on, but if you actually made it this far let me say two things. One, I warned you this was goign to be long! And two, THANK YOU for listening to my story. If nothing else, writing it out is going to be teh start of my healing. From here, I need to think positive because as every one has told me, it does get better, right?
Edited by swatt - 1/12/12 at 7:26pm