Missing Grandparents? « Back to Group Discussions

[Lenore K.]

Does your child have living grandparents? Or are your parents far enough away or unable to have a regular relationship with your child?

My parents are deceased and my daughter's father's parents live over 12 hours away. We have not seen them in a couple of years. His mother's dementia is getting worse and doesn't remember everybody. Both are up in age.

My father died when I was about 11 yrs old. My mother died a month before Anna was born.

I guess this is one thing I didn't think about ahead of time. Anna will talk a lot about grandparents after we are around kids with their grandparents. I can see the longing there and wonder if any of you are going through the same thing. She will tell me that she wishes she had a grandma, too.

It would be wonderful to have an adopted Grandma to do things with. A friend suggested visiting a nursing home, but she is very leary of older people like that and, after seeing them, there is a lot of questions about sickness and dying. I don't think she is quite up to that kind of a Grandma or Grandpa relationship.

Any thoughts?

[SuzSaver]

My parents and my inlaws just all passed away. Perhaps you might find a connection for an adopted Grand through your church or a community group, where the Grands are a bit livlier.

[gardenmommy]

My parents and DH's parents are still living.  They are all in their very late 60s or early 70s.  Do you have anyone in your community/circle of friends who can adopt your DD, sort of "surrogate grandparents"?

[Lenore K.]

The people in our circle are usually busy with their own grandchildren. I'm not sure how up to it many of them would be. I usually hear things like, "We are so exhausted after they visit. I don't know how you do it with a little one again."

She is 7 yrs old and now that she is getting older and "easier to manage" than a younger child, I am hoping a relationship just naturally happens with someone - a neighbor or someone she sees once in awhile. I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this.  

[Linda on the move]

My parents live across the country and aren't nice people. My DH's parents have both passed away.

We have had some lovely relationship with other adults, but then we end up moving for my DH's job. In the last city we lived in, my older DD had a buddy who lived down the street from us and was in her early 60s. It was GREAT.

My kids go to an alternative school with a wide age range for teachers. They have nice relaxed relationships with them, so it more like extended family than like school teachers. It's really lovely.

[dbsam]

My children miss having grandparents.  To me, it is one of the biggest negatives of being older parents.

My husband's father died in 1976 and his mother died when my children were one. My father died when my children were three and my mother lives far away. Plus she is not very 'grandmotherly'.  They see her 2-3 times a year.

My children used to watch Max and Ruby and wanted a grandma like that. They see very involved grandparents daily since there are several multi-generational families living on our street.

When my children were born we thought we might find surrogate grandparents - it's never happened.   The reality is that people are busy with their own grandchildren or their own lives.  Some of our friends are in their late 50's/60's and childless but they have neices and nephews.   Instead of adding them to our children's lives we seem to have lost them as friends - our lives are just too different now.

My husband's parents were older when they had him - he never met his grandparents.  My parents were also older but luckily my grandmother lived to be a very healthy 102 and we had a wonderful, close relationship.

[Lenore K.]

Instead of adding them to our children's lives we seem to have lost them as friends - our lives are just too different now.

This does seem to be the case for us where we used to live. Now that we have moved we are hoping...

My kids go to an alternative school with a wide age range for teachers. They have nice relaxed relationships with them, so it more like extended family than like school teachers. It's really lovely.

What a great opportunity for your kids!

We have moved from a much larger town where our daughter had fewer friends to a smaller town and has already made more friends in three months than she has her whole 7 1/2 yrs. This is a very different sort of community.

[MariaMadly]

Originally Posted by Lenore K. 

Instead of adding them to our children's lives we seem to have lost them as friends - our lives are just too different now.

This does seem to be the case for us where we used to live. Now that we have moved we are hoping...

My kids go to an alternative school with a wide age range for teachers. They have nice relaxed relationships with them, so it more like extended family than like school teachers. It's really lovely.

What a great opportunity for your kids!

We have moved from a much larger town where our daughter had fewer friends to a smaller town and has already made more friends in three months than she has her whole 7 1/2 yrs. This is a very different sort of community.

Hope your new home continues to work out well for you!

My adult sons spent a lot of time with my parents when they were younger.  My father's last few years (he died when the boys were 14 and 11) were sad and difficult, with both my folks understandably challenged to enjoy things in their life.  But they did have a nice time together in their childhood years.  My mother is a very sad widow who does make an effort to enjoy the kids now, and they really did have a sweet time together when the guys were home from school on winter break.

DH's parents were more distant, both geographically and emotionally.  They loved the kids but also needed to be the center of attention and weren't really in the business of drawing the boys out.  I remember sticking a book about rockets in DS2's hands when he was 3 or 4 and saying, "here, go take this to your grandfather."  Then they'd interact, but it had to be in terms of something interesting to *them*.  FIL died a few years before my father, and MIL is local but so overbearing that the boys have pulled back from her.

This is probably tangential to what you're facing, but what I find myself doing is not exactly revising history, but telling it in a way that makes the grandparents accessible to the kids.  All four of our parents had difficult lives and were difficult people -- DH and I are no easier, haha -- but I can still call up memories of something intelligent, funny, interesting, enriching.  I kind of try to stress characteristics or experiences that the grands had but weren't able to articulate or carry in a way to pass along easily, and in that way let the history warm our children.

[Lenore K.]

 -- but I can still call up memories of something intelligent, funny, interesting, enriching.  I kind of try to stress characteristics or experiences that the grands had but weren't able to articulate or carry in a way to pass along easily, and in that way let the history warm our children.

Nicely said!!

For awhile I would avoid such conversations because talk of grandparents would lead to such sad thoughts...for both of us. Then I realized that she needs to experience that also. I am just surprised at the depth of feelings she will show, the loss she will feel. This grief sometimes does not last as long as it used to and we move on to enjoy the memory. We recently had our dog euthanized and I believe that stirred up a lot of the dealing with grief process.

Wow, when did I become the storyteller of the family?!?

[McGucks]

Both of my parents passed away a bit prematurely...both while in their 60s.  I was unfortunately, and not by my choice, estranged from them both for well over a decade before they died.

DH's parents live locally.  Though I have some issues with my MIL, I am grateful that our toddler sees them both on a regular basis and will have relationships with them.

[MariaMadly]

My parents left Europe after they married, so I have almost no history with my own grandparents.  Met my mother's parents once, didn't get to meet my father's before they died (not sure, but I think paternal grandfather died before my mother came into the picture).  But every once in a while, a passing remark from my parents about one of their parents would make its way into things.  My mother still brings up new things about them; it's really really fun hearing her telling DS1 and DS2 about her own parents, or even things she knows and remembers of my father's -- which is actually filling in the blanks for me and touching on the absence of my own grandparents.

[Igraine]

We have a similar situation. My husband's parents died when he was very young. And my parents died early. My ds was 18 months when my dad died and my dd was not quite 3, ds 6 when my mother died.

We try to keep their grandparents "alive" in their memories or share our memories with them. For my dd, who admittedly does not remember her grandmother and never met her paternal grandparents or maternal grandfather, we share stories, pictures, the things she has in common with her grandmothers. This is important to us, so our children remember that even though their grandparents are not a part of their current lives, they are a part of their history. My dd has been asking me a lot "Did grandma..."? This has stirred much in me because while I love my mother very much, I am recognizing how different her relationship with me is from the relationship I have with my dd. It has been painful, but useful in helping me to improve the interactions I have with both my children.

We are fortunate in having many blood relatives and non-blood, chosen family who love our children and enjoy spending time with them like grandparents would. My mother's husband is still alive and very healthy. He is "grandpa" to my children and we feel so blessed to have him in our life. Some of our friends have taken our kids on overnights and always want to visit them for their birthdays and Christmas. One very dear friend, who never had a daughter or a granddaughter, has become very close with my dd. My son has some special older adults in his life as well (our neighbor, a family friend), so I believe that while these are not replacements for grandparents, they enrich my children's lives.

Thanks for all who contributed to this discussion. Some very thoughtful and thought-provoking responses.