My baby shower is this weekend. Know I should be happy and excited....but I'm not. Were you?

[AmyJeanneBee]

My preemie came 14 weeks early and is still in the nicu. It just hit me today- I finally get to have my baby shower...MY baby shower after all the showers I've done. The dumb games, admiring the Mom's belly. So here I am...having a baby shower anyway. Seems so sad to sit there opening the same baby presents without my big baby bump getting in the way. Kind of likegoing to your wedding and your fiance is attening via satelite.

Did any of you preemie Moms have a shower? Was it this hard for you? Any advice?

Aside from the usual dumb stuff non-preemie parents say please - "oh isn't great you get to watch your baby develop right before your eyes?!" Or "but he's doing so well! Etc etc.

Sometimes I just can't help but think "if only I was still pregnant...we wouldn't have to experience such pain, such struggles. My baby would be comfortable and growing easy."
Nobody seems to get this or tey hear it and don't agree.

Okay, enough rambling from me. Thanks for listening guys! I feel a little better.

[Mama2ChicknLil]

I couldn't not post...hugs to you. Here's hopping your babe comes home soon.

I would be feeling the same way in your situation. Be kind to yourself, take it easy, and if it's all too much...maybe wait to do it when baby comes home?

Good luck!!

[HappyBird]

You poor thing. I can only imagine how you feel. My lo was born 6 weeks early and I refused to participate in my MIL's baby shower for us! I thanked her profusely but said I would just spend the day crying, and that anyhow I needed to spend all of my freetime with my baby in the NICU. I think what you are feeling is perfectly natural and reasonable. Perhaps they will understand if you only stay for a short time? You can be gracious and say that you look forward to them all meeting LO when s/he is 3 mos adjusted, but for now you really cant stand to be apart from him/her. I think you should be as open about your feelings as you are comfortable being. Part of this is also about mourning the "normal" pregnancy and birth you missed, and there's no good reason that cant also be recognized by your friends. If they say those annoying things, you can always just tell them those kinds of statements dont help you make sense of tthe grief and fear you feel. 

I hope your baby is doing well now. Hugs!

[Ratchet]

The friend who was planning my shower asked if I wanted to do it as scheduled (at the time my baby was still in the NICU but was stable) or do it once she came home.  I sort of wanted to keep it as scheduled but she seemed to have a strong preference for waiting.  so in fact mine is scheduled for tomorrow, and we really don't have anything else we need at this point so it is more of a chance for people to meet her.  And even that is sort of limited b/c i don't want anyone to touch her or get too close. 

When she was born we had no baby stuff in the house.  I was nice once we finally started getting stuff- there's so much of a feeling of empty arms and almost like you're 'faking' being a mother because there's no proof of it to the world outside the hospital, so having some baby stuff around helped us to look forward to her coming home instead of focusing on the fact that I wasn't pregnant and we didn't have a baby [at home or in the conventional sense]. 

The NICU experience is loss after loss.  We didn't feed her her first bottle or give her her first bath or hold her like normal or bond with her like normal etc etc etc.  This is one of those losses.  but rather than it being a whole loss (like, cancel the whole thing) you can still at least celebrate that your baby has arrived- not how, or when, or the circumstances, but your baby is here and will someday wear cute onsies and pee all over the changing table and grab at a rattle and the shower should, at it's best, remind you of that and provide you with the appropriate gear.

The NICU experience cannot be sugar-coated;  in general, while there are times in life where we learn from our tragedies, sometimes tragic things happen and they suck and we are NOT all the better for it.  It's not the kind of thing people want to face; we all want to put a positive spin on things.  I'm sorry to hear that people aren't acknowledging how straight-up crappy this is [yes, I know there are bright spots in it but the overall experience is certainly not cheerful, especially when you're in for such a long haul].  The "positive spin" I will say is- one day it will all be over, you will all be home together and it will be great.  And you will be loaded with great gear from your shower for your "newborn." 

So, consider keeping the shower as brief as you want it, takes as many breaks as you want to pump or call the NICU or just get away from everyone, and come up with some practiced phrases to questions you think might come up (how's baby doing, how long will baby be in the hospital, how are you coping).  A good conversation-stopper if someone's inappropriate optimism is grating on you is to casually start describing some technology intervention like a PICC line or what type of respiratory support baby needs.  It reminds them that preemies are not just the smaller version of the cabbage patch kid dolls.

[AmyJeanneBee]

Update- baby shower was great. We had pictures of my baby and our journey up. It made it seem olike he was with us. We played games geared toward our unique situation. We played that guess the poopy/food diaper and used samples of his actually preemie diapers he wore while growing in the nicu and a game wherewe guessed items that matched his birth weight and homecoming weight. Also, getting some of the typical baby things including a car seat and stroller really made us feel like "yes, this baby will be home soon and this too shall pass." Itwas great to be with my friends and family. :-)

[twinpossible]

Glad to hear it went well! I had the same feelings before our shower (girls were 9 weeks early). Before I saw your update I was going to tell you that I made the shower host postpone the even until after the girls were home so they could attend. I am happy that you had fun :) Maybe organizing all the fun gifts will give you that little boost and keep you in positive thoughts. I hope he comes home soon!