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Mothering › Groups › September 2011 Birth Club › Discussions › Ahhhh, um, sex?

Ahhhh, um, sex?

post #1 of 10
Thread Starter 

Ok so I'm 4 months PP npw, and still not feeling 100%, feeling maybe, 75%. I'm terrified to have sex again. Luckily, my DH and I have been so busy and exhausted it hasn't really come up more than a couple of times.


The kicker? I am hornier than I have been in like, a decade. I mean, I'm soaking pantyliners during the day and definately "awake" down there. I'd really like to take advantage of this!!


Question 1: We're cosleeping, and Kai is pretty high needs. He wont sleep alone for more than maybe 45 minutes, and especially since I returned to work, has been up every 1-2 hours to nurse...around the clock. Any advice on how to manage this? I mean, logistically, what have other mamas done?


Question 2: How do I get over the fear??? I still have perineal pain from the 2nd degree tear (my RN friend who was at the birth said it could have been called a third degree tear) and tend to be very swollen and uncomfrotable, especially if I go more than a week between yoga classes, which unfortuantly happens often since I went back to work. Any advice on getting over this?



Thing is? DH was NOT into sex during the pregnancy, we did it maybe 3 times in those 9 1/2 months. Now, that means we've basically gone 13 1/2 months without sex. It's bumming me out, and I know it's bummng him out too, though he tries really hard to be supportive and patient since I am a bit stressed out these days.



Sigh, any advice would be awesome!!!

post #2 of 10

I'll start by saying that we haven't had sex for maybe 4 months? So not since late 3rd trimester of pregnancy. ;) In our case though this is mostly because I don't ever want to be pregnant again and I am waiting for him to get the vasectomy he's agreed to, and we have three kids and things are totally insane around here, always.


So anyway...I can relate to not feeling 100% physically, I don't either. My midwife said that I should use KY jelly or similar water-based lubricant at first. So just passing along that advice. As far as where, Dr. Jay Gordon has a great chapter on this in his family bed book called "Love in the Laundry Room"...although I know that after a long break from sex and having just had a baby, I would be feeling shy and self conscious about my appearance, so I really would prefer to be in bed, under the covers. ;) Guest room with baby monitor? I don't know about you but I completely despise the sound of the baby monitor and would find it difficult to get in the mood with that staticky sound and thinking the baby would wake any minute. But in the room with the baby, not an option either!!


Sorry if that is only marginally helpful!

post #3 of 10
Thread Starter 

It is at least nice to know I'm not the only one :) I've worked with so many postpartum moms who get back to DTD after they are cleared at 6 weeks...I just cant imagine. No guest room here, just a one bedroom apt! Honestly though if this baby werent such a light sleeper, and could be counted on actually go to bed ever...I wouldn't be opposed to putting him in his swing and going for it...in bed, under the covers, with the light off, after a couple glasses of wine.


The KY wouldn't even be nessesary...seriously, it's like a lake down there most of the time (sorry if TMI, I'm just surprised because EBFing a baby is supposed to make you drier!). I'm just afraid of pain. If you dont mind me asking, how was your experience after the first two kids? How painful?


Ugh. Thing is I have sex dreams a lot (and with my husband no less...wasted opportunity hahaha), so I am guessing my body must be kind of ready, it's just taken so long to heal from the birth...

post #4 of 10

I'm kind of in the same boat. We've done it twice since the baby has been born, and both times were pretty painful for me. I also had a second degree tear, and I do not feel back to normal yet. And being exhausted all the time doesn't help. 


I guess I don't really have any advice - we live in a one bedroom apartment too, so putting the baby in the swing while he sleeps while we're in the bedroom has been the option that worked for us the two times we managed. If you can get your baby to sleep for a good stretch, that's probably the best bet. 

post #5 of 10

We have done it, maybe six times, since baby's birth.  We use this natural lube... I think its called sensual pleasures.. mostly coconut oil I think.  Anyway, it seems to do the trick in the moment, although the next day my external tiny tear (or skin tag I guess)  sometimes hurts a bit and makes me think , Why did I do that? I wonder if I should just wait a long while to make sure that is as healed as its going to be before we go at it again? :) 

post #6 of 10

Oh and I was going to say, baby swinging in the room is what works for us too.  Lucky for us, she sleeps a good bit in the evening/early night.  Not sure how it will work once she gets a little older, and isn't in the swing, but full time in bed with us... anyone have experiences with the family bed and sex? 

post #7 of 10
Can you leave baby in bed and utilize the rest of the house? smile.gif that's usually easiest if you don't have older babes. A glass of wine may help relax you enough to get over the fear as well. Try to plan it, make dh aware that hey, when babe goes to sleep.... You....me and the kitchen counter. Or whatever. Don't just wait and see how it's going once babe us asleep. MAKE it happen!

As for the fear, after I had my first baby, I was kind of scared too. But we only waited about 8 weeks. I finally got over the fear when I thought about the fact that I gave birth to a BABY! A whole 'nother human came out of there! And it kind of seemed silly to be afraid of something about the size of a bratwurst sausage after that. smile.gif. Add in the glass of wine after a day preparing myself with a bubble bath, some music and primping and it was fun. smile.gif

Just do it!
post #8 of 10
Thread Starter 

Ok mamas...I hear you. JUST DO IT!!! I've now found that DH is somewhat reluctant (he'sbeen working 60hr weeks and exhausted), and I wonder if he's afraid he will hurt me or something. Gonna make it happen this week. Just gonna do it.


Thanks for the support and ideas :)

post #9 of 10
Have you tried penetrating yourself with a finger or two, just to see how it feels? When I did I found it really reassuring. It didn't hurt any even though I still have a little random pain down there, and sex has worked fine too (well, usually we sleep if we ever get time alone together, but it's worked out a few times). Also, ask him to go really slow and make sure he knows that you might need to stop--and please say something if it hurts! There may be ways for him to change what he's doing to make it better.
post #10 of 10

For some reason, intercourse is fairly painful for me while breastfeeding..In the past even lube stings and bugs me.   We usually have a lot more fun with non-intercourse sex for the first few months post partum....

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